Next of Kin?

[jennfr]

My mom was just on the phone with me.  Expressed concern that she does not have backup contact info for me.  (My landlord etc.)  WHat IF something happened to me etc... 

Well this seems reasonable. Luckily for me, thanks to her ADD she was unwilling to take the info I offered to her right then.  Instead she continued explaining that she needs my info Because IF i were hospitalized (-by the way I am Fine, I am NOT currently having any health issues-) IF i were hospitalized of course they would want to give me Remdisivir which is terrible and-----

---and at that point I managed to cut her off, and I told her that I absolutely 100% do NOT ever want her making Any health decisions on my behalf.  (Of course she then tried to have an anti-vaxx and anti-whoknowswhatelse argument with me... i managed to redirect, but that's not the reason for this post.)

So now I am quite troubled, and wondering.  Seems I might find the answer here if anywhere.

I am single.  My dad passed a few years ago, so my Only close relatives are my BPD Mom, and my non-Brother.  Brother lives about 5 hours away.  (Brother is  highly intelligent, responsible & has a wonderful family.  We've never been "close" but we do keep contact.)  BPD Mom lives about 12 hours away. 

Much of Mom's lunacy does, and always has, centered on healthcare.  Health and food.  She's an alternative medicine practitioner and always gonna be on the further fringe of anything new.  The fact that some craziness eventually turns out to be true, of course, validates her Completely.  I do not, 100% do Not Ever, want Mom ever involved in making any health decisions for me.   

Does anyone know, is there any sort of legal form I can fill out, basically the OPPOSITE of a Healthcare Power of Attorney?  In case I were ever unable to express my own opinions regarding my healthcare?  Something that says, "Do not Ever consult this person regarding my healthcare?"

I mean, it's fine if my Brother would need to make such decisions.  He's knowledgeable enough that, were decisions needed on my behalf, he would agree with reasonable medical requests but also would recognize and question or veto foolish ones.  And other than my Mom, Brother is my next-of-kin.   

But I don't think just a Medical POA specifying my brother would be sufficient.  I need to De-authorize my mom from ever acting on my behalf.  Does anyone know how this can be done?   

[Fiasco]

I know a few things about this, assuming you're in the US. You don't need to specifically exclude her if you have specified one (or two, a backup is nice) healthcare proxy, medical power of attorney, whatever you want to call it. They (hospital, doctor, nurse) will not (or shouldn't, ugh) give anyone but that specified person any information at all. And they certainly won't be asking random people to make your healthcare decisions, whether you have the misfortune to be related to that person or not.

If you have a regular doctor and a regular hospital you want to ask them for the relevant paperwork. The hospital where you end up is the one who needs to know whom to call. There's no magical power of attorney fairy that will float down and tell them. So don't just go to the trouble to have the paperwork done and then put it in your desk and forget about it. My backup healthcare POA is in another state entirely and I made sure to mail her a copy of the POA to keep on hand so she can make immediate decisions, God forbid.

I went through a similar worry, of wanting to exclude my BPDm from ever getting my kids should something happen to both of us. Same answer, didn't need to exclude here we just designated a primary and a backup family to have them.

Taking care of all this paperwork, wills, powers of attorney (medical and financial are separate, you need both) while you're young and sane is exactly the right time. You'll feel sooooo much better!

[Cat of the Canals]

There's no magical power of attorney fairy that will float down and tell them. So don't just go to the trouble to have the paperwork done and then put it in your desk and forget about it. My backup healthcare POA is in another state entirely and I made sure to mail her a copy of the POA to keep on hand so she can make immediate decisions, God forbid.

This! Make sure the person in question has their own copy. Maybe even make sure they have it in more than one format, like a physical paper copy, and also email them a digital copy.

Also, this thread on reddit had some good tips, re: choose someone who will withstand any pressure from your mother (and warn them that she might try). Just because she can't make choices for you directly doesn't mean she won't try to influence whoever can.

https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultChild/comments/hauazl/im_thinking_about_drafting_a_living_will_so_my/

[jennfr]

Thank you both, this is helpful.

[looloo]

I appreciate this thread, it's useful info for me as well.   Possibly you could instruct your brother that when/if he needs to act on your behalf, he should NOT involve your mother in any way.