When I told my narcisstic mom i was pregnant

[Tinkerbell]

I was so excited (and ignorant) to tell my parents i was pregnant.
I gave them a present which immediately rang a bell.
My mom just looked at the present and looked around (the whole fam was there incl. aunts and uncles etc). My dad grabbed his phone and took photos of my mom.
I just stood there, full of shame and hoping my mom would stand up and hug me. Then suddenly she started to cry when she saw me crying. I hugged her while she was still sitting and then finally she stood up. She barely hugged me because she never does.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Im still figuring some things out.....

[Leonor]

 

Tinkerbell, I'm so sorry your parents reacted to the beautiful, joyful and precious news of your pregnancy in such a small and self-centered way.

It says nothing about you or your baby.

You deserve to have your mother's face light up, and her arms reach to embrace you, telling you what a beautiful daughter you are and how certain she is the you'll be the loveliest, dearest mother and insist that everyone in the room agree. Then she'll shoo everyone away after all the congratulations so you can rest your feet, because the first trimester is so exhausting, and listen to every last detail you want to talk about.

[Adria]

I'm sorry Tinkerbell,

It doesn't seem they can be happy for us even for a pregnancy. 

When I told my mom and dad I was pregnant with their first grandchild, my narc dad looked at me and said, "You would!" 
They went on a weeks vacation two days before my due date, so I couldn't even call them and tell them the baby was a girl.

[Andeza]

First words out of my uPBDm's mouth? "I knew it!" Said triumphantly, not because she was happy I was pregnant but because she HAD to be right darn it! Well, I guess when you think your daughter is going to say she's pregnant on every single phone call for seven flippin' years, you're bound to be right eventually. Broken clock is still right twice a day after all. Broken clock indeed, hmph. As I've said before, she spent my entire pregnancy disappointed I wasn't having any complications.

Congratulations, Tinkerbell! Leonor has hit it absolutely perfect. You deserve so much more. I'm sorry you didn't get that, but we're all quite happy for you!

[Sneezy]

Tinkerbell - Congratulations on your pregnancy!  What wonderful, happy news! 

Unfortunately, pregnancy can be a tricky time when dealing with a parent with a PD.  My uHMIL knew I was pregnant, and she assumed I would be having a boy, because she had several boys.  She had always wanted a girl, but that didn't happen for her.  After having an ultrasound, I called to tell her that we were having a girl.  She was angry!  She just said "What???" very loudly and then went silent.  I had to put DH on the line with her.  I don't know if she ever forgave me for having a girl.  Our relationship hadn't been great before this, but having DD was the start of a very rough period between us.  On the bright side, it was the start of a very, very happy time for me that only gets better as I see my children (now adults) grow and flourish.  So again, congratulations to you and if your mom isn't happy, well, that is her loss.  YOU enjoy every minute (and get some sleep while you can, those 2 a.m. feedings are going to keep you hopping for a while  ).

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hey Tinkerbell, congratulations on your little one!

Lots of us have experienced similar things with announcing pregnancies. I have a number of stories, but the one most like yours is when we dressed our toddler in a shirt that said, "Big Sister," as a fun way to announce baby #2 and my IL's pretended not to notice. It was obvious they were choosing to ignore it. When we finally made the announcement at the family party, it was supremely awkward. They were thinking that couldn't possibly be what that meant! They can't believe it's true. But it is? Oh. Well, um, congratulations. How rude! (For the record, these babies were two years apart. The right way is at LEAST three.  )

Honestly their crappy attitude toward our babies has been a major cause of my not caring about my relationship with them anymore. Becoming a mother is a major deal in your life, and if your mother cannot show support and caring in this major joyous yet life-changing thing, which you actually now share, well that doesn't look too hopeful. 

You said you felt full of shame when your mother failed to react to your gift. I'm so so sorry. I understand that feeling well. The one who deserves to feel ashamed here is certainly not you. Leonor hit it right on, and I wish you that kind and loving care from your other family members and good people in your life. You do indeed deserve it. That your mother doesn't have it in her to be a mother to you at this time is a loss to grieve, but you can still have lots of room for joy in your life.

[JollyJazz]

So sorry to hear that Tinkerbell! Awful to hear that your PDM (and F) somehow made it all about her 

[Tinkerbell]

Tinkerbell, I'm so sorry your parents reacted to the beautiful, joyful and precious news of your pregnancy in such a small and self-centered way.

It says nothing about you or your baby.

You deserve to have your mother's face light up, and her arms reach to embrace you, telling you what a beautiful daughter you are and how certain she is the you'll be the loveliest, dearest mother and insist that everyone in the room agree. Then she'll shoo everyone away after all the congratulations so you can rest your feet, because the first trimester is so exhausting, and listen to every last detail you want to talk about.

Dear dear Leonor, thank you for your kind words when I read your message tears were flowing.. It was confronting to realize what the announcement should´ve been like. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post and hopefully we can talk again!

[Tinkerbell]

I'm sorry Tinkerbell,

It doesn't seem they can be happy for us even for a pregnancy. 

When I told my mom and dad I was pregnant with their first grandchild, my narc dad looked at me and said, "You would!" 
They went on a weeks vacation two days before my due date, so I couldn't even call them and tell them the baby was a girl.

Thank you Adria!  Your story is insane . I hope you found your peace in this situation and I wish you and your family all the best for the future!

[Tinkerbell]

First words out of my uPBDm's mouth? "I knew it!" Said triumphantly, not because she was happy I was pregnant but because she HAD to be right darn it! Well, I guess when you think your daughter is going to say she's pregnant on every single phone call for seven flippin' years, you're bound to be right eventually. Broken clock is still right twice a day after all. Broken clock indeed, hmph. As I've said before, she spent my entire pregnancy disappointed I wasn't having any complications.

Congratulations, Tinkerbell! Leonor has hit it absolutely perfect. You deserve so much more. I'm sorry you didn't get that, but we're all quite happy for you!

Andeza, thank you! Your story is quite weird too. Unbelievable a mom can have so much jealousy / envyness towards her own child and wants the attention above anything. So perfect you had no complications at all!

[Tinkerbell]

Tinkerbell - Congratulations on your pregnancy!  What wonderful, happy news! 

Unfortunately, pregnancy can be a tricky time when dealing with a parent with a PD.  My uHMIL knew I was pregnant, and she assumed I would be having a boy, because she had several boys.  She had always wanted a girl, but that didn't happen for her.  After having an ultrasound, I called to tell her that we were having a girl.  She was angry!  She just said "What???" very loudly and then went silent.  I had to put DH on the line with her.  I don't know if she ever forgave me for having a girl.  Our relationship hadn't been great before this, but having DD was the start of a very rough period between us.  On the bright side, it was the start of a very, very happy time for me that only gets better as I see my children (now adults) grow and flourish.  So again, congratulations to you and if your mom isn't happy, well, that is her loss.  YOU enjoy every minute (and get some sleep while you can, those 2 a.m. feedings are going to keep you hopping for a while  ).

Hi Sneezy, thank you for your reply! I found your reply so interesting. My mom told me during my pregnancy that she always wanted to have only boys (well, thanks mom). For you it was the other way around but the same I guess (you are a man I assumed from your story). Its crazy that she responded the way she did. DId you go NC with her? Im still figuring out some abbreviations (also, I am from Europe so English isnt my first language ) Im not sure what you ment with DH and DD 
In the meantime my son is 2 years old already I realize now I didnt mention it, so no more tough nights 

[p123]

I remember when we told my Dad. We were both "older" parents. (Im 53 and our daughter is 8 now).

First thing he said "What are you both playing at? Your too old".
Followed up with "You must be mad, babies cost money!"
Then to top it all off "So was it an accident?" (It was all planned BTW).

My wife has never spoken to him from that day onwards. And I can't say I blame her. Even in the weeks afterwards, he quizzed me as to why we'd done it.

Only a while later did  I realise that one more child was another barrier between him and my undivided attention. He rarely even noticed my daughter, once or twice he even moaned when I brought her to visit. (I dont anymore - hes not seen her for years and doesnt seem to care).

[Sneezy]

Hi Sneezy, thank you for your reply! I found your reply so interesting. My mom told me during my pregnancy that she always wanted to have only boys (well, thanks mom). For you it was the other way around but the same I guess (you are a man I assumed from your story). Its crazy that she responded the way she did. DId you go NC with her? Im still figuring out some abbreviations (also, I am from Europe so English isnt my first language ) Im not sure what you ment with DH and DD 
In the meantime my son is 2 years old already I realize now I didnt mention it, so no more tough nights 

Hi Tinkerbell - DH stands for "Darling Husband" and DD stands for "Darling Daughter."  Sorry for any confusion.  So I am actually the Mom in the story.  My MIL (Mother in Law) is very dramatic and in her mind the universe robbed her of the opportunity of giving birth to a daughter.  And so she was extremely jealous when I had a daughter.  And then she got extremely angry when my daughter didn't turn out to be the adoring grand-daughter that she wanted her to be.  The problem with HPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder) is that the person, in this case my MIL, thinks that life should always be exciting and dramatic and all about her.  And of course everyone must adore her, just like we would adore a beloved movie start.  It is exhausting!  And real life simply isn't like that.

Good luck with everything!  And keep asking questions - there are a lot of people out here who can help!

[Boat Babe]

Oh yeah. So when I told my mother she said "You're a bit old aren't you?" .

Then when my baby was born she turned up at the hospital and proceeded to tell everyone how her figure bounced right back after childbirth and that she left the hospital with an hourglass figure. Two of my girlfriends were there and you should have seen their faces! I was used to it by then ☹️

[ShyTurtle]

Years ago when I still was in contact with my ubpd adoptive mother, I can remember she had a strange reaction to my announcing that I was pregnant too. It felt like disgust and jealousy at the same time. I was an adult at 26, but she acted as though I was disgusting and immoral. Maybe never having been able to give birth herself, she was jealous. She'll likely never tell me now. 

[Tinkerbell]

Oh yeah. So when I told my mother she said "You're a bit old aren't you?" .

Then when my baby was born she turned up at the hospital and proceeded to tell everyone how her figure bounced right back after childbirth and that she left the hospital with an hourglass figure. Two of my girlfriends were there and you should have seen their faces! I was used to it by then ☹️

´You´re a bit old??´ Pffff Im so sorry to hear this. What a ridiculous answer to your amazing announcement. Oh and her figure bounced right back... well good for you mom, now move over and let me be the mom you never were. Bye! :p
I hope you have a wonderful family  ShyTurtle!

[Tinkerbell]

I remember when we told my Dad. We were both "older" parents. (Im 53 and our daughter is 8 now).

First thing he said "What are you both playing at? Your too old".
Followed up with "You must be mad, babies cost money!"
Then to top it all off "So was it an accident?" (It was all planned BTW).

My wife has never spoken to him from that day onwards. And I can't say I blame her. Even in the weeks afterwards, he quizzed me as to why we'd done it.

Only a while later did  I realise that one more child was another barrier between him and my undivided attention. He rarely even noticed my daughter, once or twice he even moaned when I brought her to visit. (I dont anymore - hes not seen her for years and doesnt seem to care).

Oh wow Shyturtle thats terrible, just terrible. I totally get your wife. This must be very hard for you. So your dad was jealous ?  to me this is a very clear example of parentification. Im sure you made the right decision to protect your child from any harm. Good for you!!

[Tinkerbell]

Years ago when I still was in contact with my ubpd adoptive mother, I can remember she had a strange reaction to my announcing that I was pregnant too. It felt like disgust and jealousy at the same time. I was an adult at 26, but she acted as though I was disgusting and immoral. Maybe never having been able to give birth herself, she was jealous. She'll likely never tell me now.

Awful! Indeed she might have been jealous. Im glad you see her true colors! Take care !

[traumakorma]

Oh yeah, it's the withholding urge they have, it physically pains them to even pretend to be happy for you because their whole being wants to take away the joy in your life.  It is what it is.  Knowing what I do know I would have spent my life creating these moments just to see them unmask their black soul over and over until it really sank in.