No contact - spouse trying to get invited into house - divorce not final

[j_curren]

uNPDh and I now have separate places.  Since I am unemployed, his name is on my lease.  I have been no contact except emails regarding divorce for the past 6 weeks.  We have two teens (16,17), one who is also no contact.  I do not have a restraining order.

On top of accusing me of alienation via several emails, he has accused me of forbidding him from entering my house.  I did a huge housing move without him.  He offered to help fix this, put up that, etc.  I just keep saying 'I got it'.. He has no documentation of me saying he can't enter the house.  The children do not want him here either. 

This is not about awkwardness or punishment for me.  It is about creating a safe mental space and boundaries.  He doesn't understand any of our psychological needs.

Been there?  Advice, tips?    I don't want to say if the children invite you over, because that puts more pressure on the one child who still communicates with him.  I can't afford to consult a lawyer right now.  I am not sure how they would help anyway.
thank you for your time!

[Simon]

Hi j.
Sorry you're going through this right now.
I'm sure others will be along with more specific advice shortly, but I just wanted to say something quickly.

Is there no-one that you can turn to, like family or close friends that could help you out with some of the costs?
I only ask this because if he's already not respecting you needing your own space, then a restraining order may well be the best thing.
Or at least the warning that a restraining order will be issued if he doesn't back up (that's where a lawyer's letter to him can help a lot).

I'd also look into getting a place that only has you on the lease.
You may not be able to do that right now, but start looking into it and planning for it.

It doesn't sound like he's going to be reasonable, and you need to cut any ties with him that allows him to coerce or control you.
At least then you can co-parent on an even keel.

Like you say, the sooner you can create a safe mental space for you and the kids, and put your boundaries firmly in place, the better.
Sounds like he resents the fact that he can't control you anymore.

Good luck.

[hhaw]

Don't allow the PD to get inside your head.

Trust yourself.
Keep your boundaries sturdy and in place.

The courts don't care about "alienation" esp with teen children, so stop letting the PD frighten and drive you off your center.

Limit contact ....maybe set up a new e mail to communicate with the PD only....so you can protect your Nervous System.  You choose when you have contact.  Limit that contact.  KNOW you have a right to set boundaries and enforce them......to mitigate the stress on your children, etc.

Just being OUT if shred PD space should feel amazing!  Revel in it.  Wiggle your toes in the leaves and feel the free wind on your skin.  Dream about where you'll be this time next year.

[j_curren]

thank you both for the encouragement.

I set up an email account just for him.  Great idea, and something I can do right away.  For now, my friend is going to check it and only give me the info I need from the emails. (if she can decipher them   some relief!

I agree that I'm vulnerable with the lease situation.  I held off leaving for years due to his financial turmoil and my fears of bankruptcy.   Keep your fingers crossed I can find a job quickly.  I will not be free of him until I can be financially independent from him.

Funny you mention wiggling your toes.  It's part of my stress management.  look at something different, wiggle your toes, breath, reset.  It works!!  Wiggled my toes all afternoon after your posts.