Son Moving Out, An I’m In The Dark Once Again

[Kat54]

My 26 year old son is moving out of the family home, which my ex bought me out of.
I'm very happy for him, it's time to strike out on his own and really experience the world.

I hope once being stepped away from the day to day with his father he may see things differently as far as his fathers crazy Np behavior. I think he does but it's all he grew up with so my ex's drama and carrying on is normal behavior for my son. But, once again I feel on the outside and barely considered because he can't pick up his call from me or answer a text. I've gotten upset with him in the past and have told him I'm your mother, answer your phone or tell me you will call me back and please do it. He unfortunately learned disrespectful behavior from his father and my efforts to call him out on things doesn't go far. It does for awhile, he apologizes but then back to the same old.

Last weekend I came to visit to specifically see his new apartment. We had talked briefly that week and I said I wanted to come see his place. I stayed with friends and called and texted him. He knew I was coming, answered once with a short "yes" in reference to I'm in town and can I come by and see your place... he says "yes" and then don't hear from him after asking for his address and what time is it ok to stop by.

The next day have never heard from him, stop by my ex's in hopes sonny boy is there. My ex said he was busy moving some things and not really answering his phone, and he prattles on about how nice the place looks. Yes he's been there a few times, knows everything going on. Once again I'm in the dark, know nothing about him moving and not really considered.

I was upset and telling my sister about what transpired. She lives right next door to my ex and kids. Sometimes she's a little influenced by his manipulation, but she doesn't see it.
She says to me almost annoyed, you have to ask for what you want. You know what, I've been asking til I'm blue in the face and my kids are adults. They continue to walk on eggshells around him and treat him as the poor victimized father, his wife (their mother) left him. So they feel and answer constantly to his neediness.

They both told me once that I have my family, my siblings, and he doesn't have anyone. He chooses not to speak to most of them, and they are crazy dysfunctional. So that makes it OK to ignore me.

I'm so tired of it all. One step forward most days but sometimes a couple steps back.

[WhiteWolf]

Big hugs to you. I really feel for you because, although I'm not where you are currently, what you said felt a lot like I often feel, that my life is just a big joke on me, that everyone is in on except me, orchestrated by my PD H. That I'm just tired of dealing with all of the things we deal with that no one else even notices or can understand. That "normal" relationship advice doesn't apply to. Don't give up, give yourself a lot of self care and love. Focus on you. Rest so you have the strength you need. And we're all here supporting you.

[Penny Lane]

I'm so sorry Kat. I'm not saying it WILL get better. But your son moving out is a really great step toward healing/breaking free. And these things take time, a lot of time. I know you said it's one step forward, two steps back. But from where I'm sitting it looks more like five steps forward, one step back, on a journey that will take hundreds or thousands of steps over the course of his life. I hope you can make room to feel good about the progress he's making, while still honoring your sad and hurt feelings around the fact that it's nowhere near where you want it to be.

[Kat54]

I get really down but then pull myself back up. Saw him yesterday and we talked, which really helped. It has been many steps forward and some days there will be steps back.