Confused by "Kindness"

[Worthy of Care]

I am in therapy dealing with childhood trauma. Yesterday, after my session, I was lying on my bed. My husband asked if it was a hard session. I said yes. He rubbed my head and asked if it was anything we should talk about. I said no. My H is avoidant.

I woke up early this morning and was distressed about the interaction. These are the reasons why.

* On the outside, he was being kind.
* In the back of my mind are conversations that we've had in the past where he has blamed issues on me because "you don't tell me anything." (not true)
* In the history of our relationship, when I have told him about things from my trauma, these have been his responses:
   > Occasionally, a demonstration of care.
   > No response at all.
   > No expression of any feeling.
   > No words or verbal expression of care, empathy, sadness, anger, shock, etc.
   > Telling an inappropriate joke.
   > Maybe asking a question, then moving on to another topic.
* In the recent history of our relationship, on the rare occasion when he showed feelings (anger), he has said things that make me think that this is what he truly thinks.
   > "I want my wife back." (i.e. a wife who is more functional and who wasn't abused)
   > "When is this goin to end?" (me in therapy)
   > "At some point it's time to put the past behind you and move on."
   > "This is not the person I married." (broken, injured) i.e. not what he signed up for in marrying me (He did know about my abuse well before we married.)
* Other than last week, it's been months since he asked about my therapy session.
* He has not talked to me about other major issues going on.

I don't want to tell him anything. He is not emotionally trustworthy. Am I bad? Am I crazy? On the outside he seems like a nice guy and last night was "doing the right thing."

[SonofThunder]

Hello Worthy of Care,

First of all, i want to welcome you to Out of the FOG.  Second, i know that you have already been directed to the toolbox tab above, and that is again, where I will direct you as well.  Using the the toolbox understanding/education, and tools to protect oneself is a good thing 

Im sorry you experience these things from your uAPDh (undiagnosed Avoidant Personality Disordered husband) and am glad to read you are seeing a therapist. 

You wrote:

"I don't want to tell him anything. He is not emotionally trustworthy. Am I bad? Am I crazy? On the outside he seems like a nice guy and last night was "doing the right thing."

Let's break down that writing a little:

1. " I don't want to tell him anything. He is not emotionally trustworthy"-  that is actually a healthy 'Boundary' you have set for yourself, to protect yourself because of the truth of past experiences with him.
https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

2. Am I bad?  No, boundaries are good!   

3. Am I crazy?-  Imo (in my opinion) you protecting yourself by not providing information to your husband because he is emotionally untrustworthy, is the opposite of 'crazy'.  Good for you to protect yourself with boundaries!

4. "on the outside he seems like a nice guy"- this is a very common experience with PD's. 

5. "...last night was doing the right thing".  -On the outside he was doing the right thing, but on the inside, you know (through experience) he is emotionally untrustworthy, and therefore protect yourself with a boundary.  Again, that's a good thing by you! 

See you around the Out of the FOG boards and like others have suggested, spend some time in the toolbox. 

SoT

[Mary]

No need to feel guilty! Enjoy the kindness, but protect yourself. It's part of your healing.
Mary

[FayDHM]

Hi Worthy of Care,

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles about feeling emotionally safe with your H. It is t something we should have to go through- spouses are supposed to emotionally support one another.

I get this. DH has known about my trauma since before we were “dating.” One of the things that attracted me to him was his ability to listen. He had a way of comforting me during a difficult period in my life. I had never had someone who I felt gave me that level of understanding.

Over time, many things affected our dynamic: his enmeshment with his folks, my FOO trying to destroy our marriage, financial troubles, demanding job, addiction. I was off of meds for most of those years, but in therapy here & there when I could afford it. Meanwhile, life pressures kicked in- my depression got worse, chaos seemed to follow - much of it created by his own traumas, the rest by  what I was later diagnosed with, C-PTSD. It was amazing we came out of those hell years alive.

At some point along the way, his ability (and will??) to comfort me waned, as my issues often stemmed from issues he caused & exacerbated. He would do something to upset me, or just be cold toward my pain. I would try to discuss with him why I was upset with him, so we could try to work on things & communicate better. So we wouldn’t have 2 day fights that led to more depression for me.

His reactions surprised me at first. Instant anger and defense, then just a 180 from where he had been. All he had to do was listen, comfort me, own up to how he hurt my feelings, give me a hug and a “there, there” and I would have felt safe.

That is not what I got. The pattern went like this:

-he said or did something that upset me
- it triggered me into a flashback, so I became even more scared  and hurt
-he reacted to my stating my needs as an unacceptable personal attack, then proceeded to convince me of how wrong I am
- He then gave me a history lesson of what I have just lived through, a sort of setting the facts straight. He repeats the events leading to the trigger so he can appear the good guy.  To show that I was the one who attacked him (by asking for basic respect). It was  almost a dare to “prove him wrong.”

-All of this coldness, and frankly, retraumatization by not comforting me when I am bawling on the floor, begging for just a bit of understanding, sends me into despair - why would he treat me this way? Why do I stay with someone who chooses to defend himself over me?

- Then there’s the hypocrisy. His aging parents have so parentified him, since he was school-age, that if they dump their emotional problems on him, he is their greatest comfort. He even speaks to them in calmer tones. MIL has said some awful things to DH over the years - only once or twice have I heard him yell back at her. It is utterly infuriating. Apparently they’re worthy of comfort and I am not.

It can feel like an unending betrayal when those who are supposed to care for and comfort us, act in the opposite manner. If we had cold, narcissistic parents, it’s devastating. Especially if you’re sure the person you married was once the only one who made you feel safe.

Your H is also sending you mixed signals. He is kind and concerned, but because of his past history, It almost feels like bait. I’ve been through this with my H. If something is bothering me, I just don’t get pulled into it anymore. It’s always the same anyway, I open up, make myself vulnerable, and in the end I don’t get what I need. It stinks that I can’t be honest, let my guard down or rely on him for emotional support. But it is his choice, his fear, his emotional issue - he can’t comfort because he was never comforted. His parents were the children, he the adult. His feelings weren’t important. They still do this to him- and he willingly participates in the gross codependency game with them because it’s familiar. I challenge him, he feels attacked. Crazy making stuff.

I guess what helped me was just to give up on expecting something he wasn’t capable of giving back. I didn’t happen without a lot of pain & banging my head against a wall. One day I just realized I was doing more damage to myself - I would have to find emotional comfort elsewhere. Either comfort myself, get back into therapy, or come to these forums. I cobbled out a passable support system. Then I realized I never really had one in my FOO, friends came and went - I was actually kind of used to comforting myself. I will never quit longing for that in my spouse, but I have accepted that, at least while his parents are alive, it’s not always going to come from him.

Sad, but self-preserving. It’s not your fault that he (seems) is emotionally stunted & unable to separate his trauma from his reactions and defenses.

It’s not your fault that he may create elaborate ways to avoid responsibility for his actions.

It’s not your fault that he is incapable of seeing reality. Some people are so fearful of their own vulnerability being exposed that they’ll go to great lengths to keep it protected. Often it presents itself in hurting others.

If it helps, imagine all the things he is saying to you, that he is actually saying to himself. He could be projecting his insecurities onto you.

Your ultimate goal is to preserve your mental health. Yes, it is devastating when our partners make our pain about themselves, or turn on us when we need them most. But those are his choices. You can choose  emotional safety, just don’t always expect it from him. Find another way. History has a way of repeating itself. It took me a good 20 years of trying and failing  to “convince” him I needed comfort from him before I just gave up on it. I am much happier now.

[Worthy of Care]

SoT, thank you so much for your response. I haven't thought of  me deciding not to tell him things as a boundary. What is on the outside----how he appears-----doesn't match my internal feelings and that is confusing. "you know (through experience) he is emotionally untrustworthy, and therefore protect yourself with a boundary.  Again, that's a good thing by you! " It is so helpful to read this. I have a lot of experiences of him being emotionally untrustworthy. Others might think he is "safe," he might think and say he is "safe," but I have painful evidence (experience) that he is not safe in that way. It's hard to describe the crazy-making of the relationship, but your words really helped me to see more clearly. No, I'm not crazy.

Thank you, Mary. Yes, I do need to protect myself.

FayDHM, thank you for sharing some of your experience with me.

I guess what helped me was just to give up on expecting something he wasn't capable of giving back. I didn't happen without a lot of pain & banging my head against a wall. One day I just realized I was doing more damage to myself - I would have to find emotional comfort elsewhere.

That is the place I am in also. Giving up the expectation and hope of intimacy in my marriage has been (and continues to be) a painful journey. I'm making progress.

[SonofThunder]

WoC,

Yes, glad to read that you understand you are not being crazy for protecting yourself. In addition, i'm glad to read that you believe you are making progress and that also you are gaining a better understanding of your husband and therefore of yourself as well. Yes, it is a painful journey, but it is a journey worth taking. 

We on Out of the FOG are all on a similar trail journey with you here, and scattered along the trail at different stages.  All of us here deal with unique situations in our lives yet all are affected by disorder in some way.  It is wonderful to have journey-mates!  You are more than 'not alone', you have plenty of great company.   

It is an honor to have you along the trail with us and also around these campfire discussions we call the boards.  My hope for you is that you become less confused by certain actions and reactions of your husband, and instead, more educated by alignment of the actions/reactions with the traits of disorders (top tabs) and also the necessary actions/reactions you may use to protect yourself (toolbox top tab) and love yourself even more. 

SoT

[Worthy of Care]

It is an honor to have you along the trail with us and also around these campfire discussions we call the boards.  My hope for you is that you become less confused by certain actions and reactions of your husband, and instead, more educated by alignment of the actions/reactions with the traits of disorders (top tabs) and also the necessary actions/reactions you may use to protect yourself (toolbox top tab) and love yourself even more.  SoT   

SoT, It is like a breath of air to be able to communicate with others who see "behind the curtain," of a PD person. It has been a confusing and mostly lonely road. I'm so glad to have "journey-mates," and that I am not alone.

[SonofThunder]

It is an honor to have you along the trail with us and also around these campfire discussions we call the boards.  My hope for you is that you become less confused by certain actions and reactions of your husband, and instead, more educated by alignment of the actions/reactions with the traits of disorders (top tabs) and also the necessary actions/reactions you may use to protect yourself (toolbox top tab) and love yourself even more.  SoT   

SoT, It is like a breath of air to be able to communicate with others who see "behind the curtain," of a PD person. It has been a confusing and mostly lonely road. I'm so glad to have "journey-mates," and that I am not alone.

+1.  Indeed!

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

That sounds like an interaction my pdh and I would have.

He wants to know what's going on .  For so long when I thought we were a couple and that I should share everything I would have told home a big pile of the details. 

I would get answers like you gave as examples.  Little trite statements that it needed to be fixed or over with.

Now I see this as him wanting his malfunctiNing car fixed.  And perhaps wanting to enjoy the gossip aspects of things while being reassured I am not upset about him.

I have over time been oarebtified such that I no longer discuss adult topics with someone who cannot process them.