Update

[WhiteWolf]

An update I suppose, since I haven't posted in awhile. Last time I think it was the "plate throwing incident". Well he's been dredging up my past mistakes again recently and claiming he is so angered by them still (almost 10 years ago, a mistake of a cheating incident on my part). Part of the issue is that most of what he is saying he's most angered by isn't true but won't believe me when I tell the truth again. And then there was Oct. 13 when he was enraged by me not "helping" him find a TV channel and threw several objects at the faux fireplace (there is a huge missing dent now) and then threw a huge heavy plastic tote at me several times and the followed me into the hallway as I was backing away and grabbed me by the face and started shoving me around. My neck hurt the next day. My daughter actually saved me, all this was right in front of her room after bedtime and she ran out of it screaming and threw her arms around my waist. She's always saved me, I realized that night. What a horrible position for a young child. It's my fault she and my son are in this position. I don't see a way out though. Leaving would mean they are forced to spend time with him without my protection. And that I would probably have to work so much to just support us I wouldn't see my children anyway. Staying means choosing to be abused, which has been my course so far. I'm just feeling tired of the rules and eggshells and not being able to express true feelings or what's going on to other people, feeling like I'm in the mafia and the constant horrible anxiety and alert level and tension I feel around him. Of him probably reading this because he seems to ready everything on my phone and not being able to keep a journal because he reads it right away. Ugh. How did I get here?

[bloomie]

Hi there Whitewolf - The pain in your post is almost palpable and I am so sorry for it and the difficulties you and your precious children are living in. I am glad you reached out and trusted us.

I hope things have settled down a bit from this latest abuse and toxic scene. I want to make something crystal clear in case there is any question in your mind... people make mistakes in their marriages. They falter and they mess up and when they do their partner has a choice to forgive and move forward or to not forgive and leave the relationship.

What is not a legitimate choice is for your partner to use your mistake as an excuse to abuse and terrorize you and your children! This. Is. Not. Your. Fault!!!!!

I would like to offer you a few suggestions and resources because I believe there is help and hope for you when you are ready to reach out to trained professionals and organizations who can assist you.

It might be a good first step to begin to make an emergency exit plan in case you need to grab the kids and go. I will include some helpful info that might help empower you to begin addressing the very real threat you all are living with.

https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/

https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/
⇪This is a link that takes you to a resource where you can chat online right now with a trained DV counselor and begin to get some help for yourself and your kiddos.

This is a link to emergency resources that are international: https://outofthefog.website/emergency/

This is a link that is possibly one of the most important steps you take as you can do a threat assessment to determine the level of threat you and your children are living with: https://www.mosaicmethod.com

Look into your local domestic violence resources and talk with someone face to face.

Document everything! Document the verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglect, tirades, the throwing things and damaging things...all of it!  And please for your sake and the sake of your children do not hesitate to call emergency services if your H lays his hands on you again.

It is very wise to cover your tracks when you share here and when you visit. You can browse in incognito mode and always change up the details and logistics as you share and never give identifying details to protect your anonymity. Clear your browser and have your devices scanned for tracking apps.

On a very personal note... I grew up with parent on parent and parent on kid (myself and my sibs) violence. Only it was usually my mother who was violent. When you described your H's most recent behaviors, it was almost as if I could feel your daughter's despair and even her young arms around you in an attempt to protect you.

This is where you will have to find the strength to begin to be the protector and to surround yourself with help as you gain strength and the determination you need.

Please let us know how you are doing as you are able. Sending you strength and hope and trusting you and your kids will stay safe.

[Sneezy]

WhiteWolf - In addition to all of Bloomie's excellent advice, I would like to add that when your husband physically assaults you, he is committing a crime.  He is in the wrong here, not you.  This is not your fault.  Document everything, in a safe and secure place where he can't find it.  Please have an exit plan.  Remember, you need to protect your children and yourself first. 

[bat123]

Hi, WhiteWolf.  I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I've been there.  There are two really important pieces to deal with here— your physical safety, and your emotional safety.  Unfortunately many of us find ourselves in physically unsafe situations with our significant others and yet deep down we know we probably still aren't ready to leave.  I urge you to be prepared, though, to leave the house or call someone for help when things are at a point of feeling unsafe.  As for the emotional piece, you CAN get to a place where you see the light and realize that none of this drama is about you.  You are living with someone who is dis-regulated.  Freedom comes when you realize that their accusations and insults are inaccurate and unfair, but there's nothing you can do about their perceptions.  Sure, there is probably a grain of truth in what he says because like all of us you are an imperfect human.  But healthy partners can accept us for who we are.  You don't have to fight back or defend yourself anymore, because it misses the point.  You can't make a dis-regulated person healthy by explaining yourself to them.  It's fear that causes us to get triggered by their words.  Fear that they're right, and that we are the terrible person that they say we are.  Once we shine a light into that darkness, and we can look them in the eye and say, "I'm sorry you see me this way, but I can't control how you see me.  In the meantime, I will choose to love myself," their power over us melts away.  I promise.  You may or may not need to say these words out loud to him.  In fact, if he's violent you'd probably be better off not to.  But the more you can think these words in your head, the better.  You may not be ready to leave now, or even ever.  That's a personal decision.  But the healing needs to start with you.  You'll never change him.  Give up on that fantasy.   But his power and control will dissolve away the minute you stop caring about his approval.  Again, physical abuse is unacceptable and you should have a healthy fear of that, and get yourself to safety if needed.  But verbal stuff— accusations, character assassination, angry words, silent treatment?  Let it roll off your back.  Acknowledge it if you want—"I can see you're  upset," or "I can tell you're really emotional about this."  And then move on with your day.  Once you realize that you can do this, it's very liberating.  When you walk on eggshells it's because you're afraid of something, and you're trying to prevent feeling that pain.  But what if you calmly stopped trying to control his reactions and just acted like yourself?  No fighting back, just let it play out?  Again, keeping your personal safety at the forefront.
A great resource is Les Carter, Surviving Narcissism, on YouTube.  Even if you're not dealing with a diagnosed narcissist it doesn't matter.  His advice for dealing with controlling people is spot on.