ExBPD purchased device to manipulate son

[SammysMom]

Needing insight. My step-son's mother (borderline/narcissist) purchased a Gizmo watch for my step-son which allows him to text her and send audio messages all times of day. It was purchased a few days ago and the pattern is that she texts him dozens of times each day with a message that is really intended for my husband (his father) to see. "How are you, buddy? I hated that you were crying this morning because you didn't want to go to your dads". We work with a BPD expert who has helped us to draw very specific boundaries, and we have gotten very good at it! This watch has really tested our knowledge because we do NOT want to fall victim to her attempts to manipulate and control. She texts him about 75x/day (including in school! He's NINE!) with texts of pity because he's with us on those evenings "I know you don't want to be there", "Is your dad telling you not to text me back?", "Is everything going ok?". Because this has been such a pervasive pattern for the last few days and it has allowed her to control our son when he's with us, we want to not allow the watch the be brought to our house. With that, we want to cancel our account that is linked to the watch because my husband gets alerts when she texts our step-son! Does anyone have any other ideas or options? We don't need the watch to communicate with him, so it's not a need. He is too young to need a phone.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Wow. I don't have any great advice, but in my mind that is child abuse - because it is emotional manipulation.

Is there any thing in a parenting plan that specifies communication?  I had to go to parenting class for my divorce proceedings and communication between parent/child was discussed.  For example, for little kids access to call other parent at bedtime for no longer than a certain time limit.

If you take the Gizmo or disconnect it, will this cause problems for your husband?

Maybe email her and request that she limit texts?  I know, if it was that simple you would have done that already.

Your husband might have to go back to court and firm up the parenting plan.

[Penny Lane]

Hi SammysMom, welcome to this board and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I too am a stepmom dealing with a uPD biomom.

First of all, this is very tricky! This is super manipulative because your husband has to walk the line between 1. not blocking DSS from communicating with his mom while 2. trying to create an environment free of her manipulation.

My strategy here would be to stop DSS from dealing with the messages in the watch to the degree possible, keeping in mind both potential court ramifications and also the degree to which DSS will be upset that he can't have the watch. I think your attitude with DSS here should be "the watch is causing a problem because you're on it too much, how can we find a solution so you will stay engaged in the other activities."

Some options:
1. Do nothing and let it play out - I think bad, because she will only get more aggressive.

2. Let him bring the watch to your house but have designated watch times and he has to keep it off at all other times - I kind of lean toward this. It has the added bonus of teaching DSS how to handle potentially addictive electronics, and it sets the stage for healthy phone usage in the future. BM can complain, but she can't really enforce court type penalties - I don't think any reasonable judge would say that you have to have unlimited access to electronics at either house, and of course in an emergency she can always contact your DSS through your husband.

3. Ask her to stop or cut back on the messages - This would not work for us, maybe it would for you, probably not though.

4. Ban the phone from your house - This would be my #2 vote. It's certainly reasonable. Your husband doesn't have to have an electronic device that he doesn't want at his house. The reason I lean toward the other one is that this is an "all or nothing" solution, and one of the things children of PD's don't learn is compromise/problem solving. However, if BM is upsetting DSS to an extreme degree through the watch, to the point that you don't even want him having to look at it at all during the day, I think you go to this.

A lot of what you decide depends on the parenting schedule, the court order, and your relationship with DSS/ his relationship with BM.

I think ethically you're in the clear to forbid the phone. But logistically it might be difficult if he gets mad about it. You want him to know that you're on the same team, and that you are not preventing him from talking to his mom. (Privately, you are giving him tools for dealing with his mom when you're not there to be a buffer. But you don't tell him that part.)

Like I said, even though on this face this is a somewhat routine coparenting issue, this is actually very tricky and manipulative. She thinks that she's boxed you into a corner where you "have to" allow her to poison his mind at your house. That's why I like option #2; she's not expecting you to set reasonable limits without banning the watch altogether. It will probably throw her off her manipulation game, at least for awhile.

To note, she will probably get mad at you/your DH if you implement any boundaries. That is OK. You can't control what she does, and if you give in to her nastiness, you only teach her that she needs to be that nasty to get you to back down. Focus on raising your stepson so that he's equipped to set his own boundaries with his mom, especially when he's out of the house.

[gfuertes]

Depending how litigious Mom is, you may be creating more conflict than it's worth, to forbid the watch at your house altogether.  But *especially* if you have a record of how many messages Mom is sending, and that this happens during school, I can't imagine anyone faulting you for setting clear boundaries, such as not wearing it to school or to other activities where your step-son should be allowed to focus on who he's with - like church, extra-curriculars, family outings, and get-togethers with friends; as well as setting clear time limits on when he can wear it at home.  Maybe let him call Mom to say goodnight before bed, then put away the watch; and maybe not during meal times or other regular family time.

Yuck.  We had a similar situation with my step-son (who lived with us) and first a phone which his mom insisted we had no right to take from him after bedtime on school nights (then she would call him, and it was 3 hours earlier where she lived;) and then, since the rule for all kids in our house was no TVs/video games in their bedrooms, Mom bought SS a case for his PlayStation with its own screen, to make it portable.  She wasn't using that to contact him all the time, of course.  But it created a constant struggle, and sneaking and the cool parent/mean parent dynamic.