Upcoming Visit from Parents in Law

[EternalHippo]

I have not been to this forum in a while.  I needed a lot of time to address my needs and have been so grateful to find the Out of the Storm forum for that. 

Yet, my uNPD in-laws are coming for a visit next week and I am filled with dread.  I also feel anger, disgust, sadness, and confusion.  I am trying to understand why exactly the mere thought of these folks continue to get under my skin in a way that disrupts my peace and strains my relationship to my DH. 

Next week will be the second anniversary of my BIL's death.  Given that my in-laws are enmeshed and are especially supported by my DH, I can't but think that they timed this trip on purpose.  I completely understand needing support around difficult anniversaries...but a healthier option would be to seek support from contemporaries and friends not their children. 

My DH and I are also planning a move.  This move will take us even further away from them geographically and I think that they will be making a scene about that when they come too. 

Leading up to this week also, my FIL claimed to have skin cancer.  I don't have all of the details, but based on what I know of dermatology visits, it sounds like he had some skin biopsies (which he called surgery) that have all come back negative for cancer.  Perhaps there is something going on, but I can't help but feel he is just trying to get attention.

My DH is especially triggered right now and I don't think he realizes it.  Every time he hears the phrase "mental health" he is sent into an EF.  I don't know the whole story, but I believe his parents have blamed mental health professionals for the death of his brother.  Facing that perhaps their own behavior contributed to his lack of wellbeing is not an option. 

I am mostly worried about how my DH is going to be next week.  His family's visits usually involve fights, nastiness, and overwhelm.  His parents chose to not rent a car and he will be picking them up from the airport.  I don't agree with him doing this and I don't appreciate that he accommodates their whims of taking a trip to visit whenever it suits them. 

But, based on where we were two years ago as a couple and where we are now...I am trying to find ways to care for myself so that I can be a support to him.  Slowly he is beginning to acknowledge to me he doesn't want to be around them much.  He keeps getting pulled into old dynamics but I know he is trying. 

My reaction to all of this is also my own and based on my own stuff.  My FOO isn't really PD, so I can't understand what my in-laws are flashing me back to. 

[square]

I'm sorry. I hear and feel your pain. I feel sick when there is an upcoming IL visit as well.

One thing H and I have done the last two visits is to have frequent walks to get away. If walks weren't feasible I'd be thinking coffee runs, pick up something at the store, drop off the kids at a friend's (and have time to talk on the way back), anything.

We were able to check in with each other, vent, share red flags, and plan for a united front as things unfolded.

[Worthy of Care]

I hear the stress that this upcoming visit is creating.

Along with Square's suggestion for ways for you and your H to take "breaks" during the visit, I'm wondering if there are ways that you can walk away from the situation, especially if they will end up fighting. Would it work to schedule times for you to get away, visit a friend or go to a coffee shop and read? You could say that your appointments were already scheduled. They don't need to know the details of when and what.

There are a lot of complex dynamics going on with your ILs and H and you. It makes sense that you feel anger, sadness, and confusion.

[EternalHippo]

square & Worthy of Care - thank you for your support and validation and suggestions. 

I am in a more regulated state - I imagine I will continue to feel up and down until they arrive. 

What pains me is that my H is in "please" mode - he will do what he can to please them.  It hurts me to watch because what he hasn't acknowledged yet is that they will never be pleased. 

I think that because we don't see them very often and live so far away, it is harder for him to blame me for how they act like he did in the past when I would express concern.  He now gives me more space to not join things with them which I appreciate. 

What I have learned to do is to give him space to have his own experience of his parents.  For a long time I was upset because I wanted him to see what I see...and that just gave him space to blame me and say I am wrong. 

Even though I want to tell him I am mad that he is picking them up at the airport and essentially agreeing to be their chauffeur and entertainer, I am not going to.  I know that his parents will upset him all on their own and I just need to stand out of the way. 

It is hard because I am impacted by all of this and often feel out of control.  I have made a lot of growth in establishing boundaries and not taking on his stuff.  But it is very difficult each time our growth is put to the test. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

What I have learned to do is to give him space to have his own experience of his parents.  For a long time I was upset because I wanted him to see what I see...and that just gave him space to blame me and say I am wrong. 

Ho boy, does this resonate with me! You are wise. This is where I am now with my DH. I'm disengaged, he can have his own experience and draw his own conclusions now. I've been very clear on my thoughts and there is nothing more to be said. If I'm honest though I'm still very upset every time he shows Fogginess... but those times are now very few and far between. Number 1 because I have bowed out entirely. There will be no visits to our home. Number 2, his parents are extremely ignoring silent treatment types. DH is being punished for not getting me back in line. Which works just fine for me! 

[bloomie]

Hi Eternal Hippo! Welcome back. I am really glad you shared about your concerns with this upcoming visit.

Yet, my uNPD in-laws are coming for a visit next week and I am filled with dread.  I also feel anger, disgust, sadness, and confusion.  I am trying to understand why exactly the mere thought of these folks continue to get under my skin in a way that disrupts my peace and strains my relationship to my DH.

Because they can and will most likely manipulate and hurt the person you love the most in the whole wide world and you and your DH will be left to sort through the ashes. That is a huge, visceral threat to be triggered by.

This is a complicated circumstance for you to work through with the loss of a brother and child that everyone is legitimately grieving. I get how FOG producing this could be.

What I have learned to do is to give him space to have his own experience of his parents.  For a long time I was upset because I wanted him to see what I see...and that just gave him space to blame me and say I am wrong. 

Even though I want to tell him I am mad that he is picking them up at the airport and essentially agreeing to be their chauffeur and entertainer, I am not going to.  I know that his parents will upset him all on their own and I just need to stand out of the way.

This is healthy respect and wisdom! The most important thing I believe I have ever done in all of the tumultuous years was to learn to zip it (as others have said my DH knows what I think and has heard my 'insights' ), put on beige (my term for Medium Chill) and put on a imaginary kevlar vest that protects my heart when my life package includes extended time with my DH's family.

I make myself scarce. I don't get into all of the drama and on and on and on convos about all of the things. I am cool, polite, non committal, and busy doing something or going somewhere always.

And afterwards.. when my DH is processing the harm and hurt that has once again been brought into the middle of our happy lives I am empathetic and supportive, but leave space for him to feel his feelings and figure out this stuff.

I do my level best to choose connection with him and emotional disconnection from the toxic stuff of his family. Consciously. Every time something arises.

This is hard and in the midst of it all you have made such progress and have such important limits in place. That is inspiring! 

Let us know how it goes and how you both are doing as you are able.