Thinking about blocking my mum

[Hattie]

My Nmum has a seriously vexing habit of forwarding me texts/ emails from other family members. Mainly from my Nbro, who I  am basically estranged from, but also from various other relatives. I really hate it, as it feels really intrusive and violating. I would so much rather communicate with family members myself. I also don't want to deal with updates about Nbro's life when he has zero interest in mine.

She is also fairly tactless, eg. Forwarding me baby photos from a distant family member when I have faced years of struggles with infertility.

I have asserted this boundary with my mum a gazillion times and she is still doing this! Typically after I tell her to stop, she waits a couple of weeks and then does it again. I think it makes her feel important, like she is on the centre of the family. It also feels like a putdown in that she has lots to tell me about everyone else, but has little interest in my emotional life.

Because of this, I have (unbeknownst to her) blocked her on SMS, rerouted her emails to the spam folder and left the family WhatsApp group. I'm now thinking of blocking her completely on WhatsApp, which would just leave calling my landline or writing me a letter as her options for getting in touch.

I guess I am hoping that if I make it clear to her that I won't stand for it, that she will accept that, and that then I could let her text me again on my terms. Probably that is a vain hope but there it is.

Anyone else faced this?

It isn't that I want NC as such at this stage, I just want her to respect my communication preferences!

[moglow]

Hattie, do what you need to do to. I'd almost guarantee telling/asking her would change little. She'd probably tell you why she "needs" to tell you those things or that she's not going to pick and choose what she can send you. You can assert a boundary til the cows come home [I assume you mean telling her, explaining yourself to her and asking her again to stop?] , but in the end it's still yours. Yours to choose and yours to enforce in whatever way is best for you.

I'm sure you've seen my bouts with cell phone with my mother. I blocked her years ago due to her texting drama then refusing to talk to me, against my better judgment [and after years of her bringing it up every phone call!] I unblocked it. I knew eventually she'd get too comfortable and we'd be right back where we were so I told her up front, if it becomes a problem again I'd have no problem blocking that cell phone again.

I was right unfortunately. She just couldn't help herself - she'd start drama via text, then call and leave voicemails but refuse to answer when I responded or returned her call. It's like she was throwing bombs and ducking away while they exploded. She'd show back up weeks later, might be innocuous or she might start another round, all exactly as she'd done before.

Then she found a new ploy, claimed "for some reason" she wasn't getting my responses. So then we had months of her sending nasty texts then going off when she claimed I didn't answer her questions. She was asking about conversations she imagined I'd had with others, demanding that I explain why they didn't talk to her. All same old same old b.s. with the twist that she "didn't get my responses" and still wouldn't answer her phone when I called. I had read receipts that all showed they were delivered, phone bills that showed exactly what came in and what went out, date and time stamped. But no.


Yes, I blocked her again, told her I was doing it so there was no doubt where I stood or that I'd had enough. That was in June this year and I've not spoken with her since. In September I got a brief snippy vm message that she's disconnecting her landline because of the expense and all the spam calls. I thought it was another goad, but she did it. Landline has been disconnected and I've heard nothing further. Pretty sure she expected me to immediately unblock her cell, but no.

You have to do what's best for you.

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom doesn't text, but she does use messaging apps (Facebook messenger, Google chat, etc.). And she mainly uses them to harass me into calling her. (It's a game for her to get me to call her instead of simply calling me herself when she wants to talk.) I got so fed up with it earlier this year that I blocked her. Honestly, I'm not sure I'd unblock her even if she "learned her lesson"... she really rarely has anything to say. If she actually DOES have something to say, she calls. I have no desire to let her pester me throughout the day like she was doing before.

I was also doing Skype video calls with her for a while - mostly because I moved a long distance and felt it would help her feel like we were "seeing" each other. I deleted the app after a few months because she started doing this annoying thing when we were talking, which was saying, "I'M GOING TO CALL YOUR AUNT AND WE CAN DO A GROUP CALL!" Before I even had a chance to say, "No thanks" she had me on hold and was dialing my aunt. Now, I like my aunt, but if I wanted to video chat with her, I would do it myself. So I quit doing the calls.

So yeah, I'm in the "block for your own sanity" camp. I wouldn't hold out much hope of her changing, but you could always do a trial run of blocking and unblocking to see how it goes.

[SunnyMeadow]

My mom does the same thing with forwarding conversations and photos from others. She'll include her replies to these people too. I feel like you do Hattie, it's intrusive! I came to realize my mother was doing the same thing to me and it really ticked me off. I don't want her distant acquaintances reading my replies! How rude.

I agree with moglow, telling/asking her would change little. My mother might give me a short silent treatment if I told her I don't like it but it wouldn't last long. She doesn't respect your communication preferences. Sadly, it's all about what makes them feel good.

As Cat wrote "block for your own sanity", I'm all for it. You do what you need to do. 

[Hattie]

Thanks guys. I haven't blocked her... yet, lol. I did turn on "disappearing messages" and plan to send her "one- time view photos" in future, to minimise the chances of her forwarding my stuff least.

Sorry to hear you all have similar tales... seems to be a common theme.

I have had some success enforcing phone rules with her in the past.. eg. When I was with my ex, I told her that she needed to stop incessantly criticising him or I would stop calling her. Seemed to work... so we shall see.

Exhausting