About To Go NC With Mother and Sister

[j.banquo]

Hello. I'm brand new to the forum. I'll try to keep this brief and on the rails.

While I've known how self-absorbed and at times emotionally abusive my mother is for decades (and how to handle her and keep myself safe), it has been escalating this year, and my sister (ten years older) has joined in. It suddenly escalated even more, rapidly, over the past few weeks. My mother is in her late seventies, I in my late thirties, my sister in her late forties.

I live in an apartment below my mother's house.

The happier I am and more successful I seem, the more they gaslight me, promise crucial things and pretend they didn't (or make excuses once it's too late), and reject the entire concept of helping me even a little (like making one phone call to a realtor).

Part of the flood of realizations is that they've been fighting over me or collaborating against me for narcissistic supply for my entire life.

The consequences have been almost completely disastrous, including a seven year episode of severe depression from 2014 to 2020.

It is this bad: when I was 4, hot water spilled on me (an accident) at a friend's house. I had burns. Weeks later, the burns got infected, and I had to be hospitalized; clearly my life must've been in danger. How did that happen? The story is "you refused to let us look at the burns." The story is a family joke about how I've always been "a private person," and "too independent."  I have no idea why they weren't reported for not taking me to a doctor.

I can tell my mother has been smearing me to at least a couple of her friends, and doing a triangulation thing with my sister.

I feel like I need to get out now, right now. I've been bouncing around AirBnBs,  and nothing could get me to go to Thanksgiving. Within the next two months, I want it to be settled that I am done with them entirely, if only for the sake of my ability to function.

I'm looking at houses to buy, but haven't found a short-term rental.

I'm supposed to have dinner with my mother tomorrow, already postponed from tonight. Supposedly to celebrate my birthday that was last week. I don't feel like doing anything I'm being forced into, but skipping it would likely create immediate and serious problems I have no time to deal with.

I need to figure out a way to get out ahead of this with others in my life. There are many, many family friends who have known me my whole life, many well-connected, and the damage she and they could do to every aspect of my life is terrifying. More importantly, many of those relationships mean a lot to me, and I love these people.

I could write letters to them explaining that I want to keep in touch and that I'm ceasing contact with my family for private reasons. I could make the story public, although that would be rushed. I could write an essay detailing everything.

If I could, I'd get out yesterday, I just want to protect these other relationships; I know I can, but can't figure out how.

If anyone has insight or thoughts, I will be  very grateful.

[moglow]

Hey jj -

Welcome to Out of the FOG - I hate seeing anyone in this position but this is definitely the place to be while you work through it all. We get it, been there and done that many times over. There's not a quick fix and none of it is easy. All the platitudes and excuses and justifications for abysmal behavior and treatment of others mean nothing, just show us all who we're truly working with and what they stand for. When you run off the rails - and odds are you will - we'll help you get back up!

I need to figure out a way to get out ahead of this with others in my life. There are many, many family friends who have known me my whole life, many well-connected, and the damage she and they could do to every aspect of my life is terrifying. More importantly, many of those relationships mean a lot to me, and I love these people.

Times like these will show you who your friends truly are and what *they* stand for. People will feel the need to pick sides, however unnecessary that is. Some will try to appease your mother and sis, others will let you know what's being said/done behind your back. Pay attention to that. I'd watch what I share and with whom. Everyone doesn't need to know the details or your reasoning behind your decision, that's not their stuff. I wouldn't explain any of it to them, but rather continue on as you have in the past - your relationships, your choices. Just as you don't want to choose their friends, they don't get to choose yours.

Some can and will ride that middle ground and separate the relationships. Me, I don't share. I don't reveal sources or tell this one what that one said unless it's on a need to know basis. I will tell you if someone is doing one thing and saying another, by way of protecting you. Some butt in where they're assuredly neither wanted nor needed, asking intrusive questions and telling me what I should do. They quickly get shunted to the side and removed from my circle. Overly judgemental or shaming my choices? Same. I don't need that chaos, had plenty with mother.

Anyhoo, we're here with you. Guarantee you'll share similar stories pretty quick and wonder how you did it alone all this time. Welcome!

[mary_poppins]

Hi and welcome. This forum is a life-saving jacket at least for me. So you're in good company here.

No, I don't think you can get out and maintain relationships with family members and family friends. If that was possible, everyone would go NC with their abusers. PD parents will turn everyone against you. It happened to me and I saw how my mother smeared me to relatives and to even people I knew once (old neighbours who were moved out of the country, relatives I barely knew). Anyone who I was ever in touch with and she knew would get the smear campaign treatment. This is like textbook PD behavior. They need to do this to protect their image, to actually defend their fragile ego.

So, smearing you will be done for them, to defend their own selves from a possible hate and abandonment coming from relatives who might find out how cruel and abusive they are (anyone who's healthy would wonder WHY would an adult child cut all ties with their family if they were loved and happy with them-people are not that stupid and narcissists know this!)

Have someone you can trust support you emotionally when you go NC (a friend, therapist, support group, etc) because, from experience, the first few weeks and months of NC are brutal.

You can do this! You deserve a life free of any kind of abuse. This a right given to all of us. Including to us, adult children of PD families.

[Hepatica]

I'm sorry you are in this position, but good for you for waking up to it.

One thing that I can suggest is that everything you are about to do, try to keep to yourself. When you are interacting with your mother and sister, keep to maximum chill. Don't tell them anything personal. Everything must be very light and business like (and on the sly) as you make this move for yourself. You don't need to explain anything to them. Look up the tools in the toolbox here and read about JADE. You don't need to explain why you're leaving, or try to change them by telling them this isn't working for you. Just do what you know is right for you. Respect yourself by doing what you know you need to do but knowing you cannot change who they are. Don't tell anyone who is in the web of family and friends either. All of this will be shared if you do. You must keep to yourself with a clear plan.

You have to trust your instinct if you feel you need to get out now. If you have dinner with your mom to celebrate your birthday, don't share anything about this. Something isn't feeling right for you. So keep yourself safe by accepting this. And I know this is sad. It's hard. If we have disordered family members we experience great loss. One of the things that I've done over the years is expect my disordered FOO to behave as a healthy family would. It's just wishing and when they don't behave that way, it is painful.

The bottom line is you do have the right to be at peace, happy and thriving. Believe this, while playing the defensive move of not sharing any emotions or plans with your mother and sister, or anyone in the extended circle.

Begin to build up people in your life who are healthy, supportive and not in the family web.

All the best to you.

[M0009803]

I was stuck in your exact same position for many years with my own family, which was also dominated by a controlling/abusive mother plus older sister.

One thing that I eventually realised is that they will both continually "keep you down" by minimising and invalidating your accomplishments (this allows them to feel better about their own lives). They will usually do this via emotional abuse (remember that they know your weak points and history so they know exactly how to hurt you for maximum effect unlike a stranger or friend).

In the long run, this means you are stuck in a loop of "intermittent reinforcement", which is what makes the whole thing so emotionally confusing.

I helps to try to assign weightings to these interactions:

1. They can be loving and cheerful (say 90% of the time)
2. But then put you down when you are feeling happy and advancing in life (say 10% of the time).

That 10% might not sound like much, but it can the difference between having an emotionally healthy family and not having one.  It also keeps you trapped in their cycle of dysfunction, which then limits your own personal growth (for their own benefit).

Its also the interplay between (1) and (2) above over many years that makes it difficult to pin point exactly "what" is going on. 

As stated by previous posters, if you want to reduce the emotional damage, you need to put mom & sister on a strict information diet and reduce contact.  Only you will be able determine if this is good enough for you or if you need even less contact (NC) to properly heal.

[Starboard Song]

I could write letters to them explaining that I want to keep in touch and that I'm ceasing contact with my family for private reasons. I could make the story public, although that would be rushed. I could write an essay detailing everything.

I encourage you to contact those that you love and explain you are a making a very hard decision, but that you care about them and hope they will remain in your life. It usually seems to go better when people don't explain with details: that can seem like mudslinging, and everyone just ends up muddy.

Good luck to you, and welcome to the forum. I know others will be along who've been in a similar place.

When we went NC with my in-laws, we notified my own parents and many family members first. We only told them the steps we were taking, and assured them we continued to love them all.

Be strong!

[JustKat]

No, I don't think you can get out and maintain relationships with family members and family friends. If that was possible, everyone would go NC with their abusers. PD parents will turn everyone against you.

So, smearing you will be done for them, to defend their own selves from a possible hate and abandonment coming from relatives who might find out how cruel and abusive they are (anyone who's healthy would wonder WHY would an adult child cut all ties with their family if they were loved and happy with them-people are not that stupid and narcissists know this!)

Hi jjffhh, and welcome to the forum.

You've already received some great advice here. Going NC may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life, but posting here will help you feel less alone.

I posted the two quotes from MaryPoppins because I found her words to be 100% true. Once you go NC the narc parent will start a smear campaign and you will likely lose everyone. My Nmother managed to turn everyone in my family and extended family against me, even ones who clearly knew there was something wrong with her. When faced with a choice, people will often side with the narcissist rather than incur their wrath. Starboard Song had a good suggestion about notifying anyone you hope will remain in your life, but not to share any details of the narcissistic abuse. This is incredibly difficult to do because we want others to know the truth, but Nparents are very skilled at manipulating people into becoming flying monkeys, and if word gets back to them that you spilled their secrets things will get even worse.

Like you, my sister teamed up with my mother and it was very painful. One of my therapists once told me that when an adult child walks away from their parents there is always a good reason, and a normal functioning adult should see that. My sister was NOT a normal functioning adult and never will be. But I had aunts and uncles who had grown up with my mother and knew she wasn't right in the head. When they were forced to make a choice, well, they didn't want to rock the boat and did the "safe" thing.

Having said that, everyone's situation is different, and I do hope that you're able to keep some of the people you love in your life. Whatever happens, we're here for you.

Wishing you all the best in your journey toward a peaceful life.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Trusting your gut feeling about going NC with family I believe is a great basis for this decision. You don't do it to teach anyone a lesson, or because you are sulking. You do it because you know there is a better way to live. You know in your heart your life will be healthier and fuller without the dynamics others create. Been there and am still there. 

Your consideration and concerns about maintaining relationships with others I think is common. I tend to think when you go NC, it is best to prepare to lose some relationships, or at least have them greatly reduced. From what I experienced, I lost all relationships with extended family and friends. I think it was easier for them to go with the "squeaky wheels" instead of me as a solo player. I read that was common, and it happened and it makes me sad. However, I chose keeping my own sanity over those other relationships.  If it was the cost of my 'freedom', it was worth the price because no price is too high for my well being.

If you go NC with your mother and sister, as other stated, I recommend keeping your reasons to yourself. Read the Toolbox section in this site. No JADE no DARVO. Use medium chill and grey rock. I am not sure you can get out in front of it or control the narrative. By the time it gets to this point, it seems the narrative is already written. You do not need to answer to anyone or explain one thing. You can disengage and focus your energies on the making the best life with supportive people. Wishing you clarity on the best path for you. 
     
 

[j.banquo]

Thank you to everyone who bas responded so far, it's comforting to be communicating with others about this.

-----

No one except a few close friends have any knowledge of what's going on, or what I have to do. They don't live nearby, but they are as solid as a person can be.

I have a trauma-informed therapist, and am finding an attorney. I'll probably have a place to live soon that isn't 100 feet from my mother's.

By the way - one reason I'm afraid of her is that I think she might've tried to get me involuntarily committed in April. I'm asking my current therapist to dig into it. I do not want to know the answer to that question right now.

-----

My plan is to just do what I am always doing. Keep engaging normally with the mom and sister, while reaching out to family friends about things we're mutually interested in.

The difference is that now I know my sister is 100% not to be trusted. And I've started recording every single interaction with anyone in my family, including phone calls.

Then, right as I go, I will tell those who should know that I'm withdrawing from those family members. That's it. I'll let the friends and other family members know I'm not disappearing on them. They will all be personal letters, not a blast of the same one.

I have a lifelong policy of not interfering in others' relationships, including when someone turns on me and causes ten others to as well. That's their business. If the people who dropped me come back, and they can talk about it, we move on and have fun together again.

I don't think anyone who is a real grown-up could find fault with that approach.

----

I expect to "lose" 80-90% of them; that just means I never "had" them, so good riddance, with compassion and love. I've been furious at all of them since April anyway, for not once even talking to me about one of the several horrible things I was clearly going through as a child.

It's also necessary for me to know which of these people care about me in a meaningful way.

----

So it's just what I'm like, but I think there are good reasons to do this reaching out thing for anyone who chooses to; it of course depends on who the people in one's life are.

Such a big part of emotional abuse, from what I've seen and heard from far too many friends, are all the types of silencing. Many have lived in a world where one of the the worst things you could do was to tell the truth, or try to engage emotionally even in a positive way. Or to express your thoughts and feelings, or to stand up for yourself.

It isn't always safe of course to contact people in that way in this kind of situation, but for me it is, so:

I will not allow my mother to manipulate me into staying silent; that is what I would be doing by not reaching out. "You are bringing shame on the family" was always a favorite, and she still goes there sometimes.

And I will not ghost these people who deserve the chance to be on my side, I owe them that if I can do it.

There's nothing to lose for me anyway, and I'm an honorable and good man. Everyone knows that, and it will haunt them if they choose to act like they don't know me. I won't become bitter, I will feel for them, and what they are missing out on, and my heart will break for what their internal lives must be like.

I also won't cede the "high ground," or especially my right to hand the consequences of my family's actions back to them, I don't want them.

And thank God for me, strategically, all this happens to be the best way to protect myself. I've always found, too, that it's often very easy to "win against" an "adversary" that doesn't make decisions based on reality.

I have no qualms about telling my story in a big way within the next 10 years, either. No one can love you if they don't know your story, especially the worst things you've been through. The things people don't know about my life, phew...

A friend was telling me he thought I should practice forgiveness (as if I hadn't years ago - what is happening here is an escalation), that I should have compassion, that it isn't a good idea to tell all sorts of people these things. What a joke.

I want no revenge. I would like justice for the severe depressions I've experienced since practically birth. For the massive financial consequences of having been in a severe depression for over six years.

I want the right to a chance at justice, the outcome does not matter.

What matters is the act of unsilencing myself.

-----

The pain I'm about to experience is nothing compared to the experiences of a six plus year depression, having to spend 1982-2006 pretending to be female, trying to explain to my mother for two hours that it shouldn't be legal to murder me or anyone via medical neglect and having her smile and "not understand," or of having my sister turn on me and realizing she had never really been there.

I'm about as prepared for emotional pain as a person can be, and I have many many friends who love me and are real adults. I have been extremely lucky with friends.

That's my essay for the day apparently, haha.

[Adria]

Gosh jjffhh,

I am so sorry for what you are going through and for what you have gone through.  This forum is a lifesaver. Going NC is very difficult, but when you finally get to that point, you know it is the right thing to do with every cell in your body.  You are a very strong person to make it this far, and it will take more of that strength as you separate from family and friends.  As the others have said, it is very difficult to fight the smear campaigns without looking even worse.  I would advise, as well, not to JADE. I even wrote a book to try and vindicate myself, and nobody cared. However, it did help to get it out of my head and on paper.  Expect people to walk away.  I didn't, and it was so painful when they walked. I didn't have this forum, so it was uncharted territory. 

Conspiring to put you in a mental hospital is unconcionable. My family tried to do that to me, but didn't succed.  However, my sis was a mental health care nurse, so she knew how to do things, and she and my father committed my son when he went to visit them and never told me.  It was a nightmare.  They drove him over the edge and threw him away in an effort to hurt me even more.  I've heard that story a couple times from other people I've known in these dire situations, so it must be a thing.  Very sick!

For now, keep your plans to yourself.  There is strength in knowing you have a secret to make your life better.  You can do this! We understand, here at this forum, and will help you through.  Hang on. Trust your gut. I wish you the best. Hugs, Adria.

[daughter]

You can "lovingly disconnect", meaning quietly reducing communication and contact that level that feels right for YOU, absent the fear, obligation, and guilt factors, by shedding the "dutiful" role, and tending to your own needs. Me, I was in my mid 50s before I had the good sense and personal fortitude to disconnect completely. It was actually far easier to do, despite their close proximity. Only real action I took was to block phone numbers and emails; never was on Facebook myself.  Stopped tending to their needs and overshared "feelings", started to tend to my own unaddressed needs and undervalued feelings.

Some extended family members reached out, commiserated.  Others did not.  Everyone had already experienced similar issues w/my parents and already estranged from them.

[j.banquo]

This just has my head spinning logistically, still...

Seven months ago, I was planning on not being around for either Thanksgiving or Christmas/New Years this year, in a way and for reasons that I was sure would be totally understandable, non-threatening, and therefore non-controversial and respected.

I had no clue then that doing these things would bring rejection, attempts at sabotage, and hostility raining down on me:

• Telling certain people they were geniuses and truly were my best friends
• Making fresh attempts with them at emotional intimacy and positive connection
• Appearing more happy, successful, friendly, competent, and caring than I had for years and years

I kept needling them by accident with things like asking if their friends would be interested in what I was doing, God help me. I do have empathy for people who feel threats and danger in the face of genuine interest, love, and intimacy; I wouldn't have done it if I had known.

----

There's the pain of noticing that no one has any interest at all in what I'm doing (I wish that were an exaggeration but they're only interested when I force them to be or not at all), in the fact that I'm doing so much better than I have for so long, even if I dance up in down in front of them pointing out how it's all because of the values they taught me, and wouldn't have been possible if not for them, doesn't it look like fun... active discouragement is the best I am getting. That's a whole other thing.

----

I've set and kept many firm boundaries; important ones and symbolic ones. This is necessary with my mother particularly; she will always violate them, but I always stand firm, and have always in the past known which she would violate when, and how to respond.

Unfortunately, it's the keeping or sometimes even having of boundaries that is now causing her to lash out. The only de-escalation technique that works now is to accept her 100% violation of the boundary and to apologize for having the boundary, and for having allowed it to be violated and reacting appropriately.

I've said to these people "need means need," "can't means can't," and other things like that without even thinking about boundaries; I was just trying desperately to communicate clearly.

Guess what keeps happening now when I use the words "need" and "can't?" And when I hear them used with me, they're being used as weapons against me, like: "I can't talk to you on your birthday except for at 3:37pm, so sorry" along with resentment towards me for ignoring them on my birthday.

I can't really ignore the significance and horribleness of that, that would be ridiculous.

----

So instead of "hey guys - won't be around this year," it's going to have to be:

"I need total solitude for at least the next three months" (that'll be true, but also a stalling technique to protect myself)

or

"We are done"

It'll come as a shock, since I've been backpedalling from my initial assumption this whole time while also realizing I was soon going to be left with no option than to cut off contact, just by the law of setting and keeping boundaries.

I still have to handle all the other relationships affected by my not being around during holidays, but I can do that the same either way, I suppose.

----

If I choose "solitude, please," I will say "I need solitude right now in order to do what I need to do, thank you." It's kicking the can down the road, which isn't usually the best option, but sometimes is.

If I choose "as I have mentioned over and over, this isn't okay, so here are the consequences you knew were coming - we are done," then I will tell them individually what is going on and why, and under what circumstances they can contact me.

----

One buys me some time and flexibility, and one gives me a better head-start towards emotional stability.

I don't think there's an answer, and anything like this has to planned and executed according to the individuals.

Any thoughts or experience still welcome, even of course if you just want to share.

[moglow]

I think you already know the answer here - you can explain your reasoning or not. And they'll choose whether to listen, or not. Whether to respect your choices, or not. Your boundaries are yours to enforce, always. Even if you simply say to yourself "I can't do or explain this anymore. I've reached a limit that may or may not change in future." Sit down and think out how you want to be treated *by anyone* what's acceptable or not, how you respond when the "nots" occur. Go from there. We all use boundaries every day, we just don't spell it out as such. We DO our boundaries without thinking, treat others as we'd like to be treated, adjust when we become aware our behavior doesn't sit well with others.

The last time I spoke to my mother [just months ago, not years] she indicated when she was finished with that particular diatribe "we'll talk later." to the bottom of my bones I felt and said, No we won't. She popped back with another snarky comment, so I told her to take care of herself and hung up the phone. We'd had so many of those phone calls, where she just wanted to spew all over me. I was supposed to sit there and soak it all in, explain situations I knew nothing about, see her as perpetual victim. Until finally, I just couldn't.

I don't remember the last time we'd had a civil, much less decent, conversation. Accusations and complaints and rages and more accusations had become her norm until I just couldn't anymore. I realized I flat out didn't want to do it anymore and there was no reason to. To her credit, she's obviously in the same place. She's let me be, up to and including disconnecting her phone so now no phone calls either. So be it.

Those epiphanies aren't comfortable or fun, but when they hit they do have a solid base. A ring of truth we can no longer ignore. And we all get there when we get there, probably with plenty of back and side steps along the way.

[mary_poppins]

M0009803 : 'I helps to try to assign weightings to these interactions:

1. They can be loving and cheerful (say 90% of the time)
2. But then put you down when you are feeling happy and advancing in life (say 10% of the time).

That 10% might not sound like much, but it can the difference between having an emotionally healthy family and not having one.  It also keeps you trapped in their cycle of dysfunction, which then limits your own personal growth (for their own benefit).'

What you've said here hit a huge nail in the head. (it now needs an Aspirin, poor nail)

I think the reason we are feeling traumatized by these individuals is for that 10%. Imagine you found the love of your life and everything is perfect. You're spending the honeymoon together, he's your best friend, best companion, best person ever. OK, 2 years later, he starts hitting you and throwing you against a wall.  That's what's like with these parents. I had no idea mine were abusive not even when I was in therapy in my 20's. I only discovered their abuse by searching for articles online. Therapists couldn't tell me they're abusive but writers online managed to diagnosed them.

So, that 10% when they become super abusive messes up our brains. Because I think our brains can't compute the fact that some people can be 100% evil. People have good and bad qualities and we all like to think that. But, trust me, narcissists are almost 100% disordered with little to no good traits (affection, care, sense of humor, politeness-these don't exist in them-at least not in my parents).

So, thanks for pointing this out. It makes a lot of sense.

[KeepingMyBlue]

I could write letters to them explaining that I want to keep in touch and that I'm ceasing contact with my family for private reasons. I could make the story public, although that would be rushed. I could write an essay detailing everything.

I encourage you to contact those that you love and explain you are a making a very hard decision, but that you care about them and hope they will remain in your life. It usually seems to go better when people don't explain with details: that can seem like mudslinging, and everyone just ends up muddy.

Good luck to you, and welcome to the forum. I know others will be along who've been in a similar place.

When we went NC with my in-laws, we notified my own parents and many family members first. We only told them the steps we were taking, and assured them we continued to love them all.

Be strong!

Second this! Most of these people have known you all for enough years that explaining is unnecessary. I got a lot of, "Yeah, I know how she can be." And a lot of BUT (guilt guilt guilt) Blood ties don't excuse abuse.

Come back here for hugs and shoulders when you need to. We get it if they never do. They've had all these years. A letter won't do much.

Blue

[Olive]

Hi jjffhh and wlecome,

I'm horrified you were blamed as a small child for a burn infection.  It says so much. 

Going NC suggests there is a lot of pain to process and Narcs don't want you to do that.  If they sense the tiniest loss of control they will most likely devote themselves to an exhausting campaign to stop you from trying.  I don't think you can be secretive enough to conceal your goal.  Most likely anyone in their network will not want to get involved in a family squabble and it becomes an uglier battle if you try to explain.  The best you can do with an extended network is to keep your head up and acknowledge your mother is not happy with your decision and see who respects you.  My experience is narcs will lie, invent wild stories, they know your buttons and your vulnerability. The extended network has been groomed far longer than you have been alive and so have you.  It's a war best fought by conserving your energy and devoting yourself to 'your' healing.  You come first! 

I had to move many miles away for many years before I gained perspective.   What do you need to focus on is healing and self-discovery?  Choose your battles carefully and only fight the ones you can win and serve your best outcome.

[j.banquo]

I don't have time to read responses since I've last logged in, but I'm sure I will eventually. This is long, it's very long, because what I'm writing about is that weird and that complicated. I promise it's worth reading, even just as entertainment, I swear it.



I put tens of hours of thought into how to not provoke or upset anyone by accident before I was safe. I also had to at least stop having panic attack symptoms; I could've killed a guy by dropping a desk from the top of a flight of stairs: the increase in heart and breathing rate caused it, my legs suddenly lost all strength, and I could barely breathe. If not for that, I might've "toughed it out" living in the apartment for the 2-4 weeks I needed. I didn't abandon it of course, I just started sleeping other places, which isn't even a weird thing for me to do. I did it back in April, specifically for a project that everyone knows all about.

I did tell them that I wanted "solitude" for 3 months, and to contact me if there was an emergency. I said someone was coming to check on the cats, and not to worry about them.

Within a week, my sister wrote a message, saying "I've been here a week and haven't seen anyone come to check on the cats. Do you want me to?" I sent her a picture of the report from their automatic feeder, which demonstrated that they are being fed by it in small amounts 20 times a day, and that it wasn't empty, and just wrote "they are well provisioned." She put a thumbs-up emoji on the message.

I'd actually already written somewhere on this forum that I was going there in the dead of night, and obviously there's documentation that I was hiring someone to go there, since it affected me so much even physically to be there, even in the dead of night.



Still, on November 30th:

MOM

When your sister and niece and I went into your apartment to check on the cats, we found the apartment to be a health hazard to the cats and property. I'm changing the locks, boarding and vaccinating the cats and putting them up for adoption. I'll be throwing away trash, but present to make sure nothing of value is thrown away. You may remove your things 10 days from now, between 9am-4pm, please let me know when you will be there.

ME (in a message to his sister, who'd been gone by November 30th)

Um - what is going on here.
(screenshot of message from MOM is attached)

SISTER

I was in the apartment, and I agree with her decision.

ME (writing to his mother on December 1st)

You may not vaccinate or put my cats up for adoption. You may not throw things away. You may not prevent the person I've hired to take care of the cats from accessing the cats.

MOM

I have already done all of it. The cats were severely neglected. Tell the person you hired not to come. You may not be on the property except for 12/9 between 9am-4pm.

From that day until December 7th or 8th, I spoke to 10-20 lawyers and law firms, DV hotlines, state agencies, the housing court clerk, friends in the legal community, and a state trooper, but I still don't know if I have no rights or full rights as a tenant. At the last moment, I discovered that there is such a thing as criminal lockout in this state after all, but only the clerk knew that. The state trooper told me it was a civil matter.

But anyway, I spent that time thinking about how to simultaneously find the cats, prevent anything from being thrown away, and protect my right to at least having to go through the eviction process (knowing that she'd surely already thrown things away), while also not provoking further hostility and what's essentially violence.

I knew I couldn't confront her, or file any charges, or for a civil hearing before finding the cats; I didn't want to risk her moving them. So, I talked to lawyers and lawyers and lawyers, explaining that the entire thing probably encompassed tenant rights, civil litigation, and family law practice areas, but we needed to focus on the tenant thing. I did this for days.

The exact day that I was going to hire a PI to find the cats, she told me where the cats were, without being asked. She'd put them in a place two towns away, where at least I have never been, not to the place she knows they go for veterinary care, which is a five minute drive from her house. I had suspected she'd be smart enough to do something like that, which is why I never wasted any time calling places to locate them. If anyone put pressure on her to release the hostages, it would've come from inside the family or one of her friends. I think, though, that she did it since I haven't responded to her personally since December first, so she altered her plan.

The fact that she doesn't realize it's now obvious that she never thought a cat was being severely neglected means that she is very dangerous right now.



So by then, it was too late to do anything about my possessions, so I scrambled frantically to find movers to come on the 9th, and found some. I hired someone to be present in my stead and to buffer me, who then backed out at the last moment, and it was clear she backed out because I'd made my mother sound too difficult and scary, which she is, but not to strangers, so...

On the 9th, there was snow on the ground. She didn't clear the driveway, and while the movers' truck was parked, it slid down onto the lawn (which is steeper). Later one of the guys slipped and fell. Then, the truck slipped down further, and they had to have it towed up to the road. They almost didn't do the move at all, but then stuck it out, carrying everything not only up the sloped lawn, but then all the way up the sloped 30 foot driveway with black ice on it, to the road.

Since she'd (I'm sure not personally, though she probably did oversee at least some of it) thrown whatever away, nothing was where it had been; I'd made the entire list of things to bring, and where they were, from memory, with pictures, with a map of the apartment indicating where everything was, organized by letter and number and color. That was rendered almost useless; it had taken me 20-30 hours.

When the guys got to the storage unit, 9 hours after they arrived at the house, I found out that she had been talking to one of them when the truck first slid down the driveway. Meaning that she saw that happen, and didn't do anything to make it safer for them. That's nothing like her, she is very dangerous right now.

She tried to make them take all three bicycles in the garage, not just the one that belongs to me. One guy said (in a friendly way) "wish you'd been able to be there, it would've been faster," and I said "no, it would've taken much, much longer." He told me then that everything they didn't take, she said "wait he's not taking that," which is exactly what I'd expected.


Before they left, they called to make sure they'd gotten everything, and I said "all that matters now is the small fireproof safe, my journals, and any and all papers, mail, unopened packages, and files." I half expect to find that she threw away all of the journals, which go back to 1992 or so.

That day I'd begun the process of filing for the civil lockout hearing, but I was going to have to face her in a hearing (video, but that would still be horrible), she'd know my address (if I had one), and any phone number I put down. She has been part of the legal community there for about 50 years; having a marshal arrive and serve her papers would provoke I don't want to think what. The whole thing was already over, anyway. I realized it was way, way, way better both short and long-term not to go through with the civil lockout thing, so that was a waste of $175.

I also secured the cats on the 9th, finally - I asked the place she had taken them to to refund her, charge my credit card, and promise to only release them to me personally, or to my explicitly identified representative.



On December 10th:

MOM

Here are photos of items of possible value to you left behind... identify what you do want by the 12th and I will store them for you... if not I will keep what can be used by... and dispose of the remainder... I appreciate your paying for the cats' boarding.
(19 photos are attached)

I haven't looked at the photos really, too painful. They're also irrelevant now, since the only thing that matters now is not ceding an inch. I either own all of it and the cats, or she does.

I came very close, many times, to leaving absolutely everything there.

I knew then that she has no idea that you can't do this to someone, in this way, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and expect them to ever speak to you again. I know this because she thanked me for paying for the boarding of the cats she abducted and tried to put up for adoption. Which means she has either completely misinterpreted my reason for doing that, or is being respectful and polite, since those are traits she knows she possesses, and she knows she would never violate her core values, or be disrespectful to anyone.

Very dangerous right now.

I started to think maybe a criminal lockout is a good idea after all. I have to do something to document this, after all, and I've thought it might come to this for over a week. It will enrage her far less than being served with papers even though it is far, far more serious.



This morning, on December 11th:

MOM

This came in today's mail. I will only use the address you give me to forward important mail.
(the piece of mail is from the state and addressed to the LLC the son owns)

I'm not going to do that, of course, since I really shouldn't cede my right to my address, and if she throws it away, God help her anyway.

Besides which, the virtual address service I paid for way back in early-mid November, already being so scared, has been returning about half my mail to sender, and though I contacted everyone I could about it, they haven't fixed it, and I have no time anymore to deal with anything that is a part of my actual life; I only have time for this, since I am actively writing to someone, writing in general, speaking on the phone, driving, or speaking to someone in person, 12-18 hours a day. Or, I'm spending hours figuring out which emotions are about the past, which are about this, and which ones have to do with which people in my life (family, friends, colleagues, romantic interests, strangers, the guy who owns this AirBnB, could be anyone). I can do it; it takes a lot of time.

Back to the message - read that carefully - it doesn't say she'll wait to hear from me what my address is; I read it that way at first. What it says is that she's going to throw out anything that she thinks isn't important mail.



I'm pretty sure she committed class B felony larceny on the 30th or the 1st. That's larceny in the first degree. A core part of her identity is respecting the rule of law, and it really is something that she cares about.

Throwing out someone's mail, though? That is a felony at the federal level. She's surely already done it; she just announced her intent to do it too.



Very dangerous right now. Much more dangerous than the worst nightmare scenarios that plagued me after the bizarre police thing. So much worse.

I'll just update this again whenever I have a moment to relax, enjoy entertainment, and breathe.

[moglow]

Jjffhh -out of concern for the privacy of everyone involved, please back off posting the specifics [dates, places, etc]. This is the internet and visible to any/everyone who visits - just because you've not used names doesn't mean that someone close to the situation might not recognize your postings here.

Try and not wind yourself up over what she may or may not do. That'll run you ragged, use up way more of your energy than necessary, and any or none of it may happen. She sounds unpredictable and controlling, you've changed that dynamic now and you know she's not likely to respond well.

If your plan is to get out, do that. Do whatever it takes to make that happen and be done as quickly and thoroughly as possible. Work towards getting a place for yourself and your pets and remember that for the most part, stuff can be replaced. Make sure to get yourself in a position where you don't have to go back and aren't under her control, not physically, financially or in any way. Free yourself!!