things I need to say

[Worthy of Care]

Tragedy or hope, I am so sorry for your loss. I will continue to pray for you.

[SeaBreeze]

Sending thoughts of peace and healing your way. 

[tragedy or hope]

I can't believe it.

How could this have happened? I never wished evil of any kind on him, only that he would get exposed for  who he was toward me But people are expressing to me how he lifted me up to others. other people knew him differently.

A few days before he got sick he said some crushingly crue things to me. Those things I remember said with intense anger on his face.

But, in his helpless state, all I could do was comfort him an try to be there for him. I already knew his emotional capacity. Even in his death I question my experience with him. One son told me his dad recently told him if anything ever happened to him tor take care of his mother.

Seems others in our faith adored him with genuine love. I have received many messages to prove that sentiment. His family members considered him a hero.

I am deciding to keep what I have gone through all of my life with him my secret from those who saw him other wise. Our sons have tender love toward him and we all know he was "different."

This is still the romanticized stage. Even now i feel  a sense of freedom from his terse ways. My family is normal.We are having normal conversations  and  tension in room is not there for me anymore.

I am no ones target anymore. I am sad but my nervous system is getting a break. I will be grateful today. It doesnt mean I am mot sad without him.

I have a lot of healing to do

[escapingman]

My thoughts are with you Tragedy. I understand how you feel, although I am trying to get away from my uPDw I would be devastated if she was gone. The bond between us and the PD is strong and special, most probably much because of the trauma bonding.

[square]

If my H passed away I don't know how I'd reconcile him in my heart. I'd have wonderful memories and also the worst, and the same man just could not be behind both. Who is the real one? What did he really feel about me deep down inside? I've had to try to accept both sides are real, and both extremes of his feeling are too.

[Boat Babe]

Sincere condolences T or H. ❤️

[losingmyself]

Thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this tough time. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[tragedy or hope]

Because it is a military service, it will be over a week until I can lay him to rest.
One thing God has given me already in all this tragedy... me. There is no tension in our family conversations, no debating, we are all pretty much in agreement about plans.

For me, I am clearly experiencing immediate daily a kind of peace. Yes, I know people are praying for me, but the peace is in him not trying to get into my head by doing or saying weird things. We are older and sometimes I felt it was an age thing, but it was not.

The positive statements of people around him would make one think he walked on water. Even his sister called him her hero. The confusion on my side is deafening. He said some weird things to people who were not in his circle. I am seeing he was truly someone different to others. I felt punished my whole life with him, he saved all his pretend emotions to give to others. Many of them were imitations of me.

He said horrible things to me, two days before he got sick, and of course apologized, but it was unnerving. I have much to process.

I asked God, am I the one who is being disciplined because I am still here? I recently prayed that I might know real love from someone(my husband of course 1st.) before I leave this earth just so I can see what it is like to be acknowledged that I exist without some symbiotic sick attachment

I am just not sure who he was. The one I knew was a unpdh.

[tragedy or hope]

What is going on is surreal. My children are reminiscing in a strange way. Other people outside our family are saying such positive things about their deceased father, one of my sons has taken their comments to define who his father was. He told me he just did not know how much others loved him.

While his father was in those relationships, he was extremely cruel to me emotionally over and over. After treating me as disrespectfully as imagingeable, he would go to bible studies and have "fellowship" with these men. NEVER making things right with me. Sometimes he would come home from his gathering, and turn back into that abusive person. Though he laughed and prayed and talked with others.

This is a fascinating situation to me. I am not quite sure who they are remembering. Yes, there was much good in him. But the relationship I had with him is not congruent with what others are saying about him. We are all flawed. No one is perfect. But this was a person who stole my thoughts, my feelings, my convictions, etc. He used them to his advantage in places with people to make an impression.

Now I am hearing one of our sons, a middle aged adult. reflect on what a man he was through the eyes of others. Not that my son does not have some positive memories. It was impression management then and now. If the people who thought he was great, knew how he treated me from one extreme to the other, I  always wondered what they would say.

i am reflecting on these things because I find it incredulous that I am hearing what others thought and how they loved him when I knew where it all came from. Was he sincere, yes in the only way he knew how. i did not really know that man.

He was caretaking to a fault and most often to my disturbance.

This situation is so very weird. It does make me wonder how much was me. He was unable and unwilling to reason with me on any issue. Nor was he willing to live a life we shared. He could not come to that level. He had to do FOR me. What I wanted most he guarded and that was sharing. In anything. He just could not share feelings with me. this is why after my unpdh passing I am still in some kind of virtual haze, mystified.

what did I experience. Am I the crazy one. I know what happened to me and the sea of tears I cried.

Nacissism, PD, leave imprints that do not go away when the person does.

[Mary]

You have my sincere sympathy and prayers Tragedy. There are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings, and I'm glad you are processing them through writing to us. I would expect that your children are remembering the bad as well as the good but focusing on the good that they and others experienced. In time perhaps you will also look back mostly on the good. It's just so raw right now. I'm sorry you have to wait a week for closure.

If you're like me, after the passing of my daughter, I replayed the tapes of the bad last weeks over and over in my mind. It took a good while to get past it. Grief is hard. God will help you.

50 years. Wow. You really went the distance! You have squared your shoulders and put one foot ahead of the other. And you are leaning on God to sustain you in the next chapter.
Peace, my friend.
Mary

[SonofThunder]

tragedy or hope,,

Thinking about and praying for you to find comfort in what was, what is and what is to come.  As Mary said, glad you are making yourself available to lay it all out on the table here.  We are reading.  We understand.  You are not alone in your experiences with him.

SoT

[square]

You've been left with a tangled mess. Instead of having memories of one normally complicated man, you have memories of cruelty that can't really be reconciled with the good memories that you also have, all against the disorienting memories other people have of a mask.

And that mask was constructed in large part or near totally out of your sacrifice.

Your feelings, positive and negative and really negative, are all valid.

[tragedy or hope]

Square, you are so right. Its sadness mixed with relief. I am hearing things from others he never told me about. Nothing secretive, just normal conversation between husband and wife, only we had little or none.

I feel maybe I am to blame for that because his conversation topics and the things he said were so out of our daily life, and what was important to us,, me... I really did not pay much attention. I kept trying to real him in to OUR life. He had little or nothing to say about it.

He was a love-bomber. It is very hard to know that and still have so many horrible hurtful memories I am glad for your comments.

It is crazy-making even in his death to deal with his world. He took the time while in the hospital to take just about everything off his phone that was in any way personal with anyone. 'All his messages, even  logged out of email. The phone was new and I recently helped him set it op. It looked nothing like it when I brought it home. It was almost like he erased himself, that too feels terrible.He never wanted me to know who he really was.

People are coming out of the woodwork to tell me what a great friend he was, and I have so many memories of his mistreatment toward me before or after he spent time with them.
About the last 6-7 years I pretty much refused to have mutual friends because of the hurt in it for me. So the people who thought differently of him I do not have to see or communicate with regularly.

One of my sons has taken on the impressions of these people, and is amazed at how many people "loved" him. He had not expressed much of anything until he was incited by these people who really did not know his father at home. Because even with our children his range of connection was limited and they know it.
Thank you Square, SoT, Mary, losingSmyself,
boat babe, escapingman, Sea Breeze and Worth of Care

Your support is coveted and I find balance and validation in your comments and comforting words Thank you for the prayer.

A military honors service will be held this week. Then a new chapter will begin whether i like it or not. Life goes on
The thing that surprises me is the absence of the constant low grade anxiety I have been living with. I am not waiting to placate, escape a tense exchange, cringe at some off the wall remark, try to make peace or feel I have to escape his presence to feel sane. Everything is bittersweet right now. But I see already how i gave up normal decades ago.

I am more expressive with others already and feel free to say what I want rather than feel censored. and the whole room is not revolving on him obfuscating the conversation. Not uncommon to have people get up and walk out because the whole thing got so twisted, no one could follow.

I hope and pray I am not disrespecting my life partners memory by sharing these things. I will greatly miss many of his positive traits. the older I got the more I could accept what he was unable to give.

Bad man, no.
Broken, just very broken.

[Poison Ivy]

Sending you condolences during this very difficult time, tragedy or hope.

[SonofThunder]

tragedy or hope,

Im certain both the camaraderie here among people who understand your words and experiences with a PD, and also your ability to use this place as a journal space to share your pain, your feelings and the confusion and hurt of having spent a good portion of your life with broken person, brings some comfort to you and for that also, i am grateful to be here with you. 

In my own experiences and opinion, it is also good for us Out of the FOG comrades to again read the experiences of those who become removed from the entanglement with a PD, whether through the difficulty of a divorce or in your case (and a few others here) through loss of PD spouses, parents and siblings.  It is so educational for me to be able to learn from those on that other side, and in a way, it helps me mentally prep and plan now, while im still living in the web of intertwined lives with my broken uPDw and uPDf.  Thank you for taking the time, during this difficult period, to journal here, and I hope you also know that you are providing both wisdom and insight for our gleaning. 

In addition, as your outer relationship circles 3-5 reveal their totally different memories of a man you did not know; a facade erected in order to bring a PD internal comfort, and to hide the truth of the raw reality that occurred daily with circles 1 (you)and 2 (your children), it also may bring you some comfort to know that your analysis of your husband was accurate.  Therefore also, your strong move to understand and steadily soak up and apply the education here and in other sources, regarding your experiences,  and use your knowledge to protect yourself, was a wise and insightful choice.  These experiences now, validate you in these ways.  So, as a fellow comrade on the trail with you, i tip my hat to you in your advance preparations to self educate and self protect. 

In continued thought and prayer for comfort. 

SoT

[Worthy of Care]

I hope and pray I am not disrespecting my life partners memory by sharing these things. I will greatly miss many of his positive traits. the older I got the more I could accept what he was unable to give.

Bad man, no.
Broken, just very broken.

I don't think you are being disrespectful. I think you are just trying to process a complex, difficult relationship.

You are not crazy. Your H showed up very differently to others than he did for you. Your growing peace and openness is testimony to how stressful the relationship was.


https://www.christian-marriage-counselling.com/avoidant-personality-and-marriage.html

Are people with avoidant personality disorder misunderstood socially and professionally, and how does this manifest?

Well, yes the avoidant Personality disorder is misunderstood a lot. Their friends and social contacts will not realize they their friend is avoiding sharing anything personal. If a friend is concerned with them, they will invest a lot of effort in correcting and persuading their friend that there is no problem. They are good at staying undercover.

The same applies to professional contacts. They are very good at hiding, following the rules and mechanically meeting expectations.

Only in marriage do you get partners who realize something is wrong; this isn't a real marriage. This may take a lot of time. The marital partner feels vague dissatisfaction but can't put a finger on it. The avoidant personality is again very good at hiding while complying outwardly.[/b]

[Mary]

I feel like the military service that is planned is for the benefit of others who knew him at a different level than you did.

I want to give a tribute to you, from those of us here who are walking alongside and offering a different kind of support. You have not had to hide the truth from us. So here is a big big hug. You have said God has been preparing you for this and that He sees. To me, the song, Be True,  seems to embody the faith that you have displayed in the long years leading up to today.

Be true Be True
The Lord is by thee standing.
Joyful with Him at last will be the ending.
Though hard the strife and long the conflict be,
Through faithfulness the Lord will honored be.
Source: Zion's Harp (author unknown)

Sincerely,
Mary

[Cascade]

Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with us. I hope and pray that things will get easier for you.   Sometimes I wonder what it will be like if my pdh passes away before me and you've given me a glimpse of what it may be like, since our husbands have many similarities.

[tragedy or hope]

I realized something this morning, I am broken too. I cannot bring unpdh back, and I am free from the angst of moment by moment changes in the atmosphere in my home. But I am broken too and very sad.

As a dutiful spouse of a unpdh, I am focusing on what other people have to say about him, because that is what happens usually when someone passes but maybe avoiding my own sadness and loss. I don't want to be brainwashed just by the sweet and meaningful positive things people say. I have my story with him and it is different. That is something I am beginning to see. Of course other people would say good things. What else would I expect. I am grieving the bits of softness, thoughtfulness, romanticism, care... at the level he gave them

It does me no good to wonder if I was too intense or contributed to what he thought was his misery. He tried to make me believe I was the reason we could not have friends. I did that for years and hurt only came from trying to share relationships,. He would share the food on his plate with me, but not himself or any other relationship of meaning. He could not. He needed too much, and no one person or group could give it. There was always a need for more.

I used to think he hated me. In fact in the the last year, he wished I were dead to my face more than once. It made me very sad.  It's the irony of the illness. Something was totally awry.

I did my best each day.

I will finish out the necessary details of this terrible circumstance tomorrow. But I need to also begin to heal. I may look for professional help, as much as I am opposed to man's wisdom. I will find a wise and gentle person who loves the word of God and can extract me from the mire of hurt and abuse. I want to live a full life.

As they say in the twelve step programs; "God is doing for me what I could not do for myself." I will trust He is. I know it is His faithfulness and the prayers of people who submit themselves to Him that have made a difference in this experience for me. He is my El Roi, "the God who sees me."

I spent time in the Word finally this morning. I have missed it and could not focus. God did see me, my El Roi. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.

What a powerful difference being in the Word makes to my soul.

I am looking forward to seeing some of you in glory . You all deserve hugs too for taking such good care of me on this forum. Here is where my truth is told.

Until next time.

Thank you SO much for your condolences. It marvels me that you even care. Really.

[bloomie]

I did my best each day.

When faced with the years of an atmosphere of deep and most private pain there is nothing more that could be asked of you. I am so grateful that you know this about yourself.

You are walking by faith and I believe that soon the seeds you have planted deep in the soil of your life will spring forth and produce beautiful fruit of healing in due season.

Thank you for trusting us with your journey.