things I need to say

[tragedy or hope]

 
Yes GS!

I see that too already. Those things really were something to distract myself from the insanity.

I went to church for the first time in 2 1/2 years today. Peacefully. Complete peace. No criticism on the way home about the preacher missing the mark. Or that it was a waste of time, or he was not impressed... whatever. No anxiety about dodging his pressuring me to invite the pastor or anyone else to lunch so he could make an impression.

I met people, I did not think about anything but the moment. It was a divine blessing to go and come back home in serenity. What a relief.

I took my wedding rings off today. I didn't know when or how I would do it. During my time with the Lord this morning He reminded me... of the abusive moments starting year ONE.

Unpdh does not deserve one more day of my commitment. It is over. I dedicated more of  my self than any human being should ever give.

I don't feel hateful. Just free. I can still feel sadness. I wept at the cemetery today. However, my life has been given back to me, and the less time I spend thinking on him the more time I have to heal and take care of me... which is long overdue.

When I think on the number of abusive moments that just pop into my head, the big ones not the everyday torment... I think I have paid more than my dues to crazy. When I start to feel some kind of longing for something in that psuedo-relationship, I try to turn it into a longing for my own well-being.

It's time to heal.

[GentleSoul]

A beautiful share. 

It is time to heal indeed.  Our physical bodies, mind and soul. xx

[Worthy of Care]

 

[tragedy or hope]

Tough day. Received the death certificate. I am having a hard time with feeling that I could have done more or made things different for him in the end. it was a terrible way to leave.
I would not wish it on anyone.

One thing is clear to me now.

Forgiveness makes all the difference. I said goodbye with clarity and in good conscience.

I see others here  on this forum longing to get away from their situation, and I did too. Someone once said to me, "I wanted him dead until he was, now i miss him everyday. Be grateful for what you have."

She remembered thinking "if only he would drive off a cliff... "

People are only what they are, and our wishes for what we think is better for us and them are often not met. There might be a good reason for that. Looking back, I would change nothing. It was all meant to be. I know that now.

[JustKeepTrying]

tragedy or hope,

I am wrapping you in peace and serenity as you move through the next most difficult of days.  Your grace through this horror is inspirational.

There were days where I wondered what life would be like if he died.  Not wished; just wondered.  I miss him even with the divorce.  I know I had to for I am certain would not have survived.  But I still love him and care for him.  It is a hard line to walk.

Forgiveness is powerful.  My priest once told me that forgiveness is not for them but for yourself.  It truly takes 70 x 7 to forgive.

[tragedy or hope]

I had some new thoughts this morning.

I am mourning the bits and pieces of a person tortured internally his entire life. I am no saint. I am not above his suffering. He could do nothing but overflow it on me. I am not excusing it, I suffered over it myself. I am not a victim, I was a target. Victims have no choices, targets can be moved.

He was not always bitter, hateful, abusive, disinterested, unkind. Sometimes he was a pleasant human being and would forget he was not supposed to be vulnerable. In the hospital bed I found him to be very loveable... he could not escape the vulnerability. This was the person/aspect of his being he fought to hide.

I had glimpses of it during our life together. He would even say to me, "You know everything about me," and what he meant is, "you are not wrong in what you see." We both knew it. At times it would be glaringly real, in our few normal conversations, and then as if it were a family heirloom... it would go back into that secure place and we would go on as if normal. The insanity could not be stopped.

I could have lived in a different environment, but as many have said here, you really can't get rid of them, they continue to permeate your life in some way. Even now, after I grieved so much over the years for what i would not have from him, he continues to be on my mind.

[SonofThunder]

Tragedy or hope,

Thank you for posting about your ongoing processing and specific thoughts.  Imo, a large part of the difficulty in my being a PD target is the fact that experiencing PD behaviors is like living by the ocean.  Sometimes the seas are scary large, crashing, destructive waves and I feel as if im going to drown in the strong and frequent emotional pounding, not being able to find time to breathe. 

At other times, especially in times of vulnerability for my uPDw, her abusive seas are very briefly tranquil and it can seem once again calm, giving me that slight restful emotional reprise. This repetitive cycle is for some, like myself, how i end up 30 years in a marriage to a uPDw.   

If the ocean was a tempest all the time, the beachfront would not have takers who risk setting up permanent residence.  Imo, this is why relationships with a PD are so difficult in many ways.

In a very difficult time a few years back, when I separated from my wife for a brief period of self-healing and testing my uPDw's waters for the reality of 'fear of abandonment', she accused me of being "willing to throw away our history".  My reply is that i believe we are unable to throw away history.  We can learn from history, we can choose to repeat or not-repeat history, we can remember history, but we cannot discard, nor erase it.  There are some who attempt to do so, by removing symbols of history, but they are truly unable to erase it. 

Therefore, reading your posts is another reminder for me that life is a collective history of experiences, and that even if I was physically separated from my uPDw, our long history is not something i would desire or attempt to forget, but rather use it positively, as you (and others here at Out of the FOG) are doing, as an educational and encouraging history-catalyst for the next chapter of my life experiences and hope, in love, both for myself, but also for my uPDw wherever she would reside at the time. 

I wish you steady healing, comfort and increasing peace and joy as you are now experiencing prolonged calm seas. 

SoT

[square]

Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
Every shipwrecked soul knows what it is
To live without intimacy

I thought I heard the Captain's voice
It's hard to listen while you preach
Like every broken wave on the shore
This is as far as I could reach

If you go your way and I'll go mine
Are we so helpless against the tide?
Baby, every dog on the street
Knows we're in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing every breaking wave?

The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
Same place yours has been
And we know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin
Before we begin


That's the song for my marriage, makes me cry every time.
https://youtu.be/cszigsFaChc

[tragedy or hope]

SoT,
So well put. So true. Descriptive language so appropriate.
Square, love the lyrics.
I think I may have emotionally checked out a lot sooner if I had known what I was facing. I  could not know, i was not
That too cannot be changed.
The tapestry of my life is woven. Breaking the threads would be destructive.

[tragedy or hope]

I am sharing to reveal to others what the aftermath can look like, and to be a part of the human race no longer secreting his outrageous behaviors toward me.  We must tell others, trusted ones who will see us through such heinous behaviors.
This website helped me to begin to grieve what I never had. it helped me "grow up" to some very hard truths and it encouraged me to survival behaviors and tools I could use.
I no longer felt completely alone, and my grieving started before he left this earth. But it was grief for what I never had and it helped me to stop using my energy for no reward.

[SonofThunder]

I am sharing to reveal to others what the aftermath can look like, and to be a part of the human race no longer secreting his outrageous behaviors toward me.  We must tell others, trusted ones who will see us through such heinous behaviors.
This website helped me to begin to grieve what I never had. it helped me "grow up" to some very hard truths and it encouraged me to survival behaviors and tools I could use.
I no longer felt completely alone, and my grieving started before he left this earth. But it was grief for what I never had and it helped me to stop using my energy for no reward.

Thank you for sharing from these very difficult experiences in your life. 

SoT

[Mary]

We must tell others, trusted ones who will see us through such heinous behaviors.
This website helped me to begin to grieve what I never had. it helped me "grow up" to some very hard truths and it encouraged me to survival behaviors and tools I could use.
I no longer felt completely alone, and my grieving started before he left this earth. But it was grief for what I never had and it helped me to stop using my energy for no reward.

It seems that one of the hallmarks of a good spouse is that they don't share the dirty laundry of the marriage. But I do share. Maybe too much, maybe too often, I don't know. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. I try to be discreet. What is the line between gossip and emotional need? Leslie Vernick's writing encourages more openness so that people can see the truth and be better supporters. The Bible says to think about things that are true and honest (Phil 4:8), and coming to terms with the truth takes some processing. Others can help mirror reality for us when abuse has distorted our reality. It appears that your grief involved coming to terms with the hard truth. And this helped you shift your focus to more productive living. You moved away from wasting emotional energy. I like it.

Mary

[tragedy or hope]

As I am on my journey of grief, so far I have not found one piece of any kind of personal expression from my now deceased unpdh. i have rummaged through papers, email, messages etc.

When he was in the hospital I know he scrubbed some of his messages. He made a point of getting rid of all messages after he read them. He would then challenge me to look at his phone to see there was "nothing" on there to give me concern. He was very secretive.
Maybe that is common, but I would think there would be some form of communication between him and others somewhere in documented form, but I have yet to find any. oh he did keep one or two that express others praise of him. I guess to confirm how great he was to himself.

THIS is narcissism. No one is home there. The shell of a person had no real intimacy with anyone. Who else lives like that?

I feel like he purposed to leave little or nothing personal about himself. I have no proof of this of course, but it truly is like what i saw was what I got. There was nothing more.
When I was young, I thought he was mysterious. As I aged, I realized he was void of self.

When I picked my screen name on this site, I had no clue of how well it would describe my life a year later.

Moving on...

[losingmyself]

That's kind of sad, TOH. I bet you were hoping for a little peek into what was going on in his brain, any sentimental thoughts he might have had, about you, his life, family, friends.
I think that my H would be the opposite, as in his FB posts.. "look at how sensitive and caring I was!!" (Make sure everyone sees this if I pass)  When in reality there's no 'there' there.
I wish you had found something that showed you that your marriage meant something to him, something to warm your heart a little. I bet it did, but he just didn't know how to show it.
Warm, healing thoughts to you

[SonofThunder]

tragedyorhope,

Although sad to know your husband was an empty shell, im so very glad to read your analysis was correct, and that you are living your last two words "Moving on..."

As always, thanks for sharing from your experiences as you continue to share from your journey through grief.  Thoughts and prayers for comfort and steady healing.

SoT

[Mary]

Perhaps it's better he scrubbed his messages. You never know what turmoil he was involved in that might distress you now. You can be at peace knowing that the constant stress looming under the surface is over.
Mary