Finding Myself

[Amadahy]

Hello, everyone!

Formerly enmeshed daughter of a Nmom, who didn't really begin coming Out of the FOG until about five years ago.  I am 53 years old and always jokingly said I was a Jane of all trades because I did so many different hobbies, jobs, projects, etc but now as I heal, I find I have absolutely no idea who I am, what I like, etc and I am in limbo.  Part of it is I am super exhausted, but I am also apathetic, like nothing matters.  I think before too much longer I should like to know myself a bit and feel like my life has meaning, but I have no idea how to get going.  Can any of you share things that helped, if you've experienced this?  My excellent counselor moved, so that's been hard, too.  Thank you.  xoxo

Amadahy

[1footouttadefog]

I found myself feeling lost to myself after coming Out of the FOG.  I like you had been able to be different things and had many hobbies.  I enjoyed learning different things and obtaining skills.

I ended up however bei g very numb to all of it.  I think it was in part be aise I had stagnated in my personal maturation and development.  When I married it basically got in a roller coaster ride.  I stayed in survival mode for a long time at times and was in that mode intermittently the rest.  When I came Out of the FOG, it was as if the ride was gliding to a stop and decades had passed.

I was no much older and had not kept up with my peers in style, decorating, life events, habits etc.  Not saying I want to be a conformist, but rather that I had gotten locked in to a young lifestyle be aise the pd was so ridgid about change and was set in ways early on.  We did not grow together and make progress as a couple. I had not realized to what extent my world had been impacted by the pds in my life.   I felt overwhelmed to catch up with life.  Part of me felt like picking up where I had left off in hobbies and projects education, goals, etc etc.

I was however confused and numb and so much did not resonate any longer.  I decided I did not have to pick up anything from the past in order to move forward.  I also recognized that many goals were influenced by people I no longer gave power to influence me.  Mu h if my decor was gifts people had given decades back and I recognized that they did not get to decorate by home for life just be aise the gave a Christmas present once.

I set about finding the "now" me.

I went to small towns and drove around and looked at landscaping and went to shops and boutiques and ate in bistros and tried new things.  I took note of what drew my interest what appealed.

I went to barnes and novel and drank coffee and lokmed at magazines if all sorts to see what appealed and what did not.

I tried new quizines and exored cooking new ethnic foods and using different spices and seasonings.  I explored art galleries and museums in real life and online and in books and different music types using pandora and other websites.

Little by little I found a new now me and started new hobbies and made new goals. 

[notrightinthehead]

Sadly, I have no advice for you. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. 

[j.banquo]

Part of it is I am super exhausted, but I am also apathetic, like nothing matters.  I think before too much longer I should like to know myself a bit and feel like my life has meaning, but I have no idea how to get going.  Can any of you share things that helped, if you've experienced this?

I do have things to share about this, and I wouldn't have even a few months ago. This just happened on its own, outside of the context of past abuse or dysfunctional relationships.

All I wanted to do was be functional; I'd been trying for seven years straight, but this time the stakes were so high, I decided that even if I had to suck it up and accept that my mother thought she would bleed out on the floor if I wasn't available 24/7 on iMessage (and would think I didn't care), I would do that (I did, and more). A lot of people got mad at me for no reason at all. I found out by accident who loved me, by whether they were defensive or supportive, by their actions and not their words.

I didn't do it on purpose, and it was painful: the core of my support system was the first thing that went. My mother, sister, excellent therapist, and pretty good APRN, all at once. Whoa. My sister, "the one who would always be there and always had been," that was always who we were. Months later, retrospect showed me how one-sided it has always been.


An aside - I'm a jack of all trades; that was always discouraged, but it's who I am and I love it, and it's my biggest strength, and natural tendency, and it's how I've survived, and it's a rare and valuable thing to be, to me and everyone in my life.


The first thing I did was to continuously double down on my values, and things started going really well. That I'd recommend for sure: start with your values, not what you want to do, or finding yourself, or "who you are."

Next, I decided to never, ever attempt something I knew I couldn't do.

Then, I decided to act as if I owned my own time, and could do whatever I wanted with it within the bounds of my responsibilities and life.

Finally, I decided that I had to act as if the things I knew were true actually were true. Almost no one does this actually, which is too bad, since it's pretty simple, and clearly the only way to live in reality. You have to be able to at least try to face down any truth and accept it. So, doing that meant:

• I stopped using my smartphone much (smartphones are addictive, are destroying empathy, drive everyone up a wall with autocorrect and other nonsense, the attention economy is horrible and parasitic; science knows these things). I already hated social media; it's a plague and has been since before Facebook. Within a couple weeks, my senses were dialed up (relative to before) to 14, I could think clearly, my attention span came roaring back, and my memory just plain worked again.


• I stopped doing much interaction via text/chat. Science knows that only 20% of communication is the content of the words. It's actually almost impossible to convey urgency or how important something is, and it's hardly worth even trying when there's any emotional content at all. This meant a drastic reduction in contact with someone really important, which could even kill off that relationship completely, but so much of it was about our emotions, and that was such deteriorating chaos over text, it was bad either way.

YMMV, and all of it only happened because of random circumstances and extreme events, but that's what happened in my life between April and now.

[Jolie40]

I did so many different hobbies, jobs, projects

^ this is me, also

picked the wrong major in college so never had a career instead had many different jobs
enjoyed most jobs but not enough to make a career out of any

also, like learning so have taken many classes like writing, painting, scrapbooking, etc

all the things we do is like weaving a colorful tapestry
we're more interesting for everything we've done, wouldn't you say?

[Lauren17]

Hello, everyone!

Part of it is I am super exhausted, but I am also apathetic, like nothing matters.

Amadahy

I, too, started coming Out of the FOG about 5 years ago. I'm also a ver busy person. I always have tasks, projects, hobbies, some new skill to conquer.
I recently left my uNPDh of more than 20 years.
I'm so very exhausted. Sometimes I'm sleepy like i haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks. Sometimes I'm lethargic, just want to lay in bed all day. Sometimes I'm fatigued, like I'm catching the flu.
I think that this a pretty common response after coming out of a traumatic/abusive relationship.
I've decided to let myself be tired. I let my projects wait. I lay around and read or watch tv. I nap.
I worry that the things that once interested me don't seem to anymore. But I'm trying to be patient with me.
Sometimes, I sit and brainstorm the things I'd like to do, learn, have, be. I'll work toward them when I'm ready.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: give yourself some grace. You'll find these things again when you're ready.

[1footouttadefog]

I agree with sticking to your core values. 

And yes this can lead to loosing some relationships at times. 

But being who you truly are and pruning away those things that are not a match will ready you to grow back stronger and healthier. 

And self care is always important.  Painful at times when working on hard stuff, but important because you count and deserve to move forward in healing with strength toward your best possible life.