Holiday roll call

[moglow]

Hard wobble over here - SO ready to move on past Christmas!! Reading back over this has really helped me not feel so alone.

Peace to all!!

[Coyote23]

Whew. Solstice celebration went well with my daughter and husband. I was enjoying the time before SS came back. I love SS but he's a loud teen boy and it's a small house and his mother has been a huge thorn in our sides from day one. After the latest round I really do think she might have traits associated with antisocial personality disorder.

BM sent SS to a crowded movie theater the night before he arrived, after a Covid test that was supposed to be for our peace of mind. She has done everything she can to subtly smear us, but it seems like SS really missed us and is glad to be back.

My little FOC went to a nice restaurant with outside dining and good heat lamps last night. We have not been doing anything during the pandemic because we were waiting a long time for the under 12s to get vaccines. We just felt more comfortable waiting. It's so flipping nice to just go out to dinner as a family. 

My estranged sister (because she sat on my daughter in a menacing, mocking way, made her cry, mocked her crying, then refused to apologize) sent us Sees Candy. At least, a stranger who addressed the package to Husband and Coyote Lastname sent the same sees mini Christmas boxes she did a few years ago. No apology to my daughter. Just candy with no card. Husband says, sister is trying to create a situation where you have to contact her.

I would not call this a Hoover because it's such a weak effort (that is so my family-they do the smallest thing to try to reestablish the same old relationship  instead of making it right). I would call it a Mini Hoover. A Dirt Devil? Haha. I truly just made myself laugh there.

With my siblings, I don't think they really care when I estrange myself. Deep down I think they are relieved because they don't want a relationship with me but would never be the ones to say or initiate that. They'd rather see how shitty they can be to me before I set boundaries and declare ultimatums, which they walk away from. The whole thing is designed to make me feel lesser than-and it works more often than I would like.

Onward. Wrapping gifts. I made lasagna, seven layer magic bars (so good) Sicilian Whole Orange Cake (also delicious). We are doing crab Christmas Eve.

This thread has been really amazing. I love all of your stories. I think about you guys from time to time during my days and it's like we are all in this together from our little points on the globe.

[Poison Ivy]

I am waiting for my adult children and ex-husband to arrive later today. Last week, our older child had a scary health-related emergency. Our younger child chose to fly cross-country to be with older child. Both had been planning to come here this week, but their initial travel plans were disrupted. So ex-husband agreed to fly to the east coast, pick up both children and older child's dog, and drive them to our state. I'm very grateful to my younger child, my younger brother, my nieces, and older child's friends for helpingi older child and to my ex for stepping up, too. But I'm still kind of unsettled by older child's situation.

[Cascade]

The odd PD behaviour is starting up! Quite often when we have a special holiday meal, my husband was will say "don't wait for me to eat" and if it's a work day, he'll be late coming home. What's with that? Does he want to see if we love him enough to wait? Does he enjoy coming in late to make an entrance? Does he have social anxiety? And then he said what about next year, since he may be away.

[Amadahy]

Replying for a second time, forgive me. 

A youtuber I listen to the other day said, "My inner peace is the highest form of wealth."  That resonated.  Please, Santa, just a mega value meal of inner peace, stat.

I'm going to believe that I can one day come to a place of peace and creative resolution from having had a Nmom who was unable to love me.  I have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful FOC and I am very, very thankful for that.

In the meantime, Christmas blows and I vote for second Halloween!  LOL

[Lauren17]

I didn't start to feel the wobble until today.
I received the proposed settlement from stbxh's lawyer earlier this week. I have some difficult decisions ahead of me.
I'm trying to focus on the happy points: baking, church with DD, the peace of being in my own space, separate from the crazy making ways of uNPDh.  But the divorce and those decisions are here, too, like an unwanted houseguest.
I thought of this thread, came back to read it. It helped.
Thank you, all.

[Coyote23]

Please post as much as you want or need all through the holidays! I know someone who has a spooky black Christmas tree with all Halloween ornaments! And she keeps it up all year.

Replying for a second time, forgive me. 

A youtuber I listen to the other day said, "My inner peace is the highest form of wealth."  That resonated.  Please, Santa, just a mega value meal of inner peace, stat.

I'm going to believe that I can one day come to a place of peace and creative resolution from having had a Nmom who was unable to love me.  I have a beautiful, amazing, wonderful FOC and I am very, very thankful for that.

In the meantime, Christmas blows and I vote for second Halloween!  LOL

[Boat Babe]

Hard wobble over here - SO ready to move on past Christmas!! Reading back over this has really helped me not feel so alone.

Peace to all!!

I see your wobble and raise you quiet crying in the kitchen.

Big hugs Mo.

[1footouttadefog]

Christmas is a little hard this year but not as bad as last year and for different reasons.  I lost a friend who I met on Christmas Eve.  We exchanged a small gift and a hug each year on Christmas Eve after singing choir music together. 

I am enjoying the Holiday aspects, however the whether is super good for working outside and such and part of me wants to make progress on an over whelming backlog of projects etc

On the other hand my kids are out of college and home so I need to be patient with other stuff and spend time with them and travel to do an overnight with each of them.  I am looking forward but at the same time it seems like a delay or procrastination.

My problem I know and it's feeling this way that is hard.  Maybe it's that fact I am boxed in to needing to take advantage of them being home to travel that feels wrong. 

[moglow]

I see your wobble and raise you quiet crying in the kitchen.

Noted and understood. I was weepy driving back home from Christmas eve frivolity with my nephew and his inlaws - they're what I think a family should be and it's always fun. They do what they can to include us and make us part of theirs. It does help, and breaks the heart at the same time. I'm cooking a little something special for older brother after his very broad hint at work a few days ago, and heading to have Christmas dinner with he and sis in law in a bit.

Wishing all of you a blessed day!!

[Jolie40]

my kid had a meltdown yesterday taking it all out on me
I did get an apology & explanation....everything piling up such as loss of our dog in 2020, school stuff, pandemic, etc

however, no mention of loss of extended family

we had a quiet celebration today with just husband, kid, and I
hoping to talk them into getting another pet someday but they're not ready yet

Merry Christmas!

[JustKeepTrying]

Merry Christmas!

Wobbling right now and I imagine that kitchen crying is about an hour away.

I just returned from dinner at a friends.  We have become close - she has an ex husband who is PD and we have really bonded this past year.  Its comforting to have someone outside this forum to share with.  But right now my DS is preparing to see his NPDgrandmom who we had to spend every Christmas with for 32 years.  I don't miss the obligatory travel and grovel at her feet and I am grateful my DS does not see her NPD but just a loving grandmom.  But I know what the dinner will be like and my DD will be there with my grand daughter.  My DD does not return texts or call and we are very shaky with each other now.  She has trauma bonded with my XOCPDh and is completely on his side.

So, I am sitting here now and trying to reframe this moment.  Instead of poor poor me - perhaps its grateful for the quiet and the rum/coke?  I'm going to try and make it work.

[serenitycalm]

I'm a little wobbly, fussing too much in my mind about my uPD sister. I shifted brief NC back to LC and got hooked again on fretting. She emails waif/martyr/depressed and I tend to fall right into family line of thinking I need to help her.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. I sent her a list of resources and now am working to reclaim my day. Return to my regularly scheduled program.

I'm enjoying holiday music and tasty food. Had a nice visit with friend this morning. Also was able to get out for a walk before the next storm moves through.

My place is warm and cozy, clean and organized. I have some good books and movies available.

Reading through this thread helps as does the Toolbox. Also a sense of humor works. When my buttons get pushed I am now sometimes able to catch myself before I suit up as a rescuer. I can laugh and turn my attention back to myself and my own world.

Happy holidays everyone! I hope all of us get at least some nice moments, some enjoyment, a chance to breathe and enjoy.

[11JB68]

All in all not a bad couple of days.
I really think that Updh doesn't like Christmas and I can feel him getting anxious. Yesterday he seemed a bit off. We had fun at friends' house last night... One minor issue with Updh that deescalated quickly thankfully.
Nice day with Updh and Ds today. DS got me a thoughtful gift which is always nice. Updh was low-key negative throughout gift opening which was disappointing.

[Hepatica]

About five years ago my uNPD elderly mother nearly died of complications following surgery. During her many months in hospital I went to see her in evenings, every night. On the Christmas Eve I spent the evening with her until she fell asleep, but the following day, Christmas, a blizzard hit and I didn't go. I was tired too and just wanted Christmas with my immediate family. I took a day off of visiting. When I went back on Boxing day my uNPD father was there and he was visibly enraged. He walked out of the room and wouldn't talk to me, mad that I hadn't visited my mother on Christmas day. He held that anger over me every time I visited them there after, often pouting and sneering when I'd walk in, and leaving the room. (She actually did not remember any of that Christmas as she was so ill and drugged, so for her it wasn't a big deal, but for my father a reason to act like he hated me.)

It's Boxing Day and all of the pain is coming back from this time.

It's the punishing that really hurts right now, and one of the main issues that pushed me to no contact. I can never seem to do anything right by him or my enabling sibling.

Generally I don't let these memories and where they led, to get to me this much, but this Christmas it really is hard, probably due to the added isolation of living in a city with very high Covid numbers.

I'm grateful that I can vent here and thank you for this thread. The holidays are certainly one of my hardest times and I'm sure struggling tonight.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This is just what I need for a debrief.  Small family gathering went fine.  Then time to be alone again, since I live alone.  Wobble, wobble.  Feeling some hollowness and grief.  Just passed the 2 yr mark for NC with PDx.    Reconnecting calls to me.  I know I'd be sorry.  99.9% sure of that.  Doesn't matter.  It calls to me anyway.  I'm really not worried that I won't be able to resist.

So nice to be able to come here instead! Tell someone who understands.  Thanksgiving through Christmas is the hard time.  It should start getting better now.  I hope.  I hope so for all of you, too.  Love to you!   

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate to a pd being negative during gift opening. 

I noticed it and it took me a few years to realize my pdh was low key jealous of the kids having so many packages to unwrap.  We just exchanged a main item and each kid selected something for us. 

I had to start buying and wrapping inexpensive things for my supposedly adult pdh.

This year I bought him a case of assorted snack chips, and a 4 pack of tins of shortbread cookies, hot sauce, and a big can of peanuts so he would have as many packages as the kids.

Sigh. 

[Stillirise]

I just wanted to check in.  For me, this "dead week" between Christmas and New Year's may be the toughest.  The run-up to Christmas was so busy, in a good way, with baking, visiting family and friends, and spending time with the children.  However, this week, the kids are with their uPDf.  We won't be getting together with my FOO until next weekend. Everyone in that group tends to go to their in-laws, for the holidays, with our gathering typically being the afterthought.  I've come to accept that's just how it will always be.  I'm keeping busy with end of year tasks for my business, and getting my house in order.  I'm trying to stay focused on being mindful, and appreciate the alone time that I so rarely get throughout the year.  Plus, it could end at any moment, with DS still wanting to minimize contact with his uPdf.  I'm guessing he's still there because it's expected, and he gets a break during the day, while his f goes to work. I do hope they are enjoying themselves, and the drama has been kept to a minimum.

On the positive, I still have an ongoing relationship, and am seeing where that goes.  We had most of the past weekend to ourselves, as our respective children went with the other parent.  It was a much-needed and restful break. Between us, we have a lot of logistics in coordinating all our moving parts.  I'm not sure where the relationship will lead in the upcoming year, but I'm ok with that.  It was nice to spend some quiet time with someone who is kind, easy going, and low drama.

Best wishes to you all in the new year!! Here's to healing and peaceful 2022!

[Coyote23]

Happy happy New Year! Thank you everyone for posting. I learned so much from the thread and really benefitted from listening to people who frequent the boards I'm not usually on-like those with UPD partners. My wish for everyone is that we have a good year, a solid year, full of growth and snatchable moments of joy.

What do you call 40 plus people wobbling in unison?

Dancing. I call it dancing.

Dance on, my beautiful friends.

[wisingup]

Thank you for this beautiful sentiment Coyote - wishing you a wonderful new year as well!