My social existence is in absolute shambles

[Petite_Potatoe]

I posted in the common behavior section at my worst with this situation. I'm having a tough time this morning and need space to work it out a bit more.

I read PDs doing smear campaigns onto their victims, so I can see how more context would be helpful than what I offered in my last post (by far too lol). I was friends with this dude for 7 years- very complex emotional friendship, he had a big crush on me but I was not interested. He was one of the most damaging friends I have ever had.

He treats his partners like a demon and will encourage them to act on self harm, throw shit at them, and generally be one of the most verbally abusive men I have ever seen screenshots of. He was also horrendous to me, blamed me for getting into an abusive relationship and generally lathered on a thick logic of "You deserve it". He has $$ and buys property to use as leverage for women he wants to see romantically to put him in a position of power in their life. He also is a racist, many of the women who got away from him have also experienced this despite his "liberal progressive" front. For the sake of politics, this man straight up uses the N word, this isn't like some nuanced social power construct where education could fix him. It also should be noted this guy STARES ME DOWN whenever we share space, and has for 5 years. I started speaking out cause he would stare at me.

So i called him out for the staring and then the behavior he had done onto me, his use of the N word. In return, He is manipulating people left and right, many of these people I had some form of attachment to. He is spreading full blown lies about me, saying I manipulate rape victims for my narrative (((which, isnt he doing by bringing that up?))) and all these other horrible things.

I know deep in my bones that my speaking out was incredibly needed, validating to his victims, and will serve me well in the future. I get that if you poke someone with a PD this way that they will retaliate like this-- to be clear i had blocked him from seeing anything- I wasnt taking it to him. I get I threw myself in the social blender- but brass tax keeping his secrets wasn't worth the shortened life that via toxic stress for me. Also the people he hurt deserves it. I AM IN THE BLENDER!

But also OH GOD- I got a sick man trying to destroy my social reputation. And you know what? I cannot stop him, just as he cannot stop me. All those people he has convinced weren't really my friends and never truly cared about me. I know those who do really care about me are at their most confused state-- but they're ability to care deeply has been a very shallow love. I would give more to these people than they would return, I have done more for those people than what has been returned.

Today I am bothered because many of my "friends" are throwing a fundraiser party to help him pay for a house, a house that will be used to house many of his exes and girls he prays upon. Last time he threw a party like that when we were friends, it cost more to clean up after them than $$ made- so I know it's like a "Hey look at me, I'm a landlord!" kind of party

Until Feb of this year, I had lived in severe isolation as my best friend was my brother, who i can say prolly has a PD. I broke up with my brother in Feb. All the friends I had previously held in esteemed positions in my mind were honestly all reflection of my brother's and parents values. None of the folks I had attracted actually wanted me-- as I have been abused in a shadow all my life.

Since February i have developed a friendship with a neighbor who has a lovely family, who actually does show up and support me in many ways in my life. We were friends through a group and she has wanted us to be closer for years i was just super silly for not seeing it sooner. But I finally feel like "Wow this is what having a friend is like, I cant believe she will just keep helping me, i feel like i owe her my life for such basic assistance!" I also met a wonderful man and he's like the best boyfriend i could have ever imagined, he's taking me to one of my favorite places this weekend so i dont even have time to think about this whole landlord party thing.

Thank you for reading all this- Now I think i can articulate my real big emotional burden here:

Did you build a social situation that re-enforced PD-flavored abuse?
What can be done when you forcibly destroy that life cause that was the healthiest decision for you and everyone in it?

I dont imagine anyone will reply with a fix the social situation, I just want copeium, co-miseration, to be seen, understood, witnessed and maybe a story about how you built a world that didn't care about you and how you changed it

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry that you're having to endure bad treatment and misunderstanding.

I'm divorced. My spouse and I didn't have a big social circle when we were married, and I continue to not have a big social circle. That's basically fine with me. But there are a few things from my situation that might be relevant to yours.

(1) There are people who are on my ex's "side." At first, that bothered me. Now, I mostly accept it.
(2) For the most part, I can keep a distance from people who are on my ex's side.
(3) Not everyone is in the "must take a side" category. I have neighbors who I talk to regularly. They're not my BFFs. If put to the choice (e.g., by me or my ex telling them everything), they might come down on my ex's side. But they don't need to be told everything, nor do I or my ex want to tell them everything.
(4) There are people who I want to have take my side. I've found this out gradually, and I've also been slow in sharing with them. I think it's good to not rush into sharing information, because rushing can lead to oversharing.

[Petite_Potatoe]

You are right, it is almost like a divorce!

I low-key accept none of these people are my friends. I mean they never showed up for me, it's not like my friend now who wanted us to get closer.

Its easier to write-off the fence sitters cause they are basically like lurking trolls.

I sort of see something i didnt before in talking to you- when there is a split and there's one person who's narrative dominates the land--- I dont trust it. Like the women I know who were abused are too busy trying to survive than worry about their social lives. Healthy break-ups are composed of two people who are just like "oh they're cool but we just werent working!" and no narrative is present.

I kind of just smell that whole narrative now and see how in my life it's been used to manipulate me.

I HATE NARRATIVES. I dont have narratives about people who dont abuse me, and it's taken me along time to feel like i have a right to a narrative about my abusers cause so much has been consumed in punishing myself.

I'm just the angriest little scapegoat this morning now lol!!

[Poison Ivy]

Among the people with whom I think I should be able to share my narrative and have them be on my side are my immediate relatives: siblings and mom. My sibs are mostly on my side; my mom, despite having increasingly severe cognitive problems, is often on my ex's side. I HATE THIS. My silent retort to my mom goes something like this: "Mom, you have terrible short-term memory, it seems to get worse almost every day, but nevertheless you remember enough to make comments expressing your sympathy with my ex and suggesting that my ex is the victim."

[moglow]

Growing up and into college years I was on the fringe of a particular group - not one of the ringleaders but included in parties and outings, and we were all pretty friendly. Still are even if we don't see each other often anymore. I had another friend who they didn't DISlike, they just didn't include her. They didn't *see* her. Truth be told they were caught up in their own stuff and didn't really see outside that. I had my own and frankly wasn't too concerned one way or the other if I were "included." But my friend, it ate at her. She wanted so badly to be part of "them" that she pushed for years. She went overboard at times and it just pushed them further away and into being the butt of jokes.

Years later she connected with them and went on some trips etc. She was finally where she'd wanted so badly to be! Except ...  now She saw and heard the bullying and backstabbing, the gossip and negativity up close. She saw what it was like when one wasn't there, how they were talked about or put down. It wasn't all bad of course, but there was enough that she talked to me about her concerns, would tell me what they said about those who weren't there. Well, there were reasons I'd stepped away from that. I didn't want it. I can be friendly without being close friends. I can meet them for the occasional dinner or visit and I'm good, I don't need to be right there all the time. I can see and appreciate it in the moment and it's not part of me.

I'm just saying that what people say about you doesn't change who you are. Everybody gets to form their opinion regardless, or choose to not have an opinion one way or the other. If this one person can ruin your "social reputation" maybe it's not all that stable in the first place, ya know? There may be a whole lot of superficial nonsense going on all around that circle that's just toxic. That's fine, they can be who they are while you find new places to be, new people to find common ground with.

You don't have to have "a narrative" in that kind of situation. You can chose whatever brings you peace and step outside their self-imposed circles.

[Petite_Potatoe]

my mom, despite having increasingly severe cognitive problems, is often on my ex's side. I HATE THIS.

I would too, omg, you handle this like such a champ!! Granted I awoke to the fact my family of origin has been abusing me in Feb of this year for MY ENTIRE LIFE and I am eager to get away from them so I'd probably do something pretty extreme like "OK, ENJOY YOUR NEW SON, MOM!" With the whole cognitive decline wow, i have so much respect for you!

I'm so sorry

[Petite_Potatoe]

If this one person can ruin your "social reputation" maybe it's not all that stable in the first place, ya know? There may be a whole lot of superficial nonsense going on all around that circle that's just toxic. That's fine, they can be who they are while you find new places to be, new people to find common ground with.

You can chose whatever brings you peace and step outside their self-imposed circles.

I used to be so closely tied to this group, and a lot of people in that group still cling to me and like me a lot. But it is a C-PTSD hellscape. There has already been 4 major dramas that are far more juicy and dramatic than mine. I'm already old news despite still emotionally reeling from it.

Many, many parts of me cling to that circle-- even though so many parts of me want to burn that circle to the ground and experience actual support for the first time in my life-- to break free of the shackles of the hell of repeating my childhood abuse in some kind of epic effort toward redemption or healing fantasy.

It's not like bullies being toxic- it's like someone with NPD collected a tribe of BPD-like folks to emotionally vampire off of. Trying to describe it is doing good things for me. It's like that group has a system, a hive mind-- much like my family of origin has a system or a hive mind.

Remembering in therapy, clearly there is a transference going on from my mom to this dude. Not that this dude isn't guilty-- but the emotional undoing is ascribed to my mom.

OOOO I MIGHT BE GETTING IT. I wish i had the words. I'm starting to see it. Like my boyfriend's best friend from childhood is kind of caught in the middle cause he only sees the best in this dude-- and HE IS REACTING EXACTLY LIKE MY DAD!! To the point my BF and I have talked about enabler abuse, the forgotten child.. etc.

I think a part of me found redemption from my childhood abuse in this group by being accepted and having a good reputation there. By undoing it and throwing my repututation in the fire, it'd be mad triggering which is why im just in an emotional throw and hard to follow.

The part of me that wants freedom, wants real support, wants to LET MYSELF LIVE GOOD-- is fanning the flames and creating an end to this life.

The part of me that wants to share jokes with my abusive parents, that wants to message my previous best friend and my fucking brother things we think he might like. That part of me is hurting. I am crying. Yes. That part of me hurts a lot. It was so hard to accept that i cant have my healing fanatasy, but i accepted it and that isnt apart of the pain- it's the pain of losing that relational interaction. It's so painful.

Stepping out of this circle of friends is triggering the part of me that is still hurting cause we cant send my brother a fun article. We cant joke the same with my enabler dad now that we see how he enabled it. We still have so much enormous grief and the one grieving hasnt really been allowed to be sad cause so much anger and trying to protect myself once we realize how bad this all really is.

Fuck. I'm bawling my face off and using plural pronouns. I have a dissociative disorder and i dont like to be spread out infront of non-therapists. It is safer for me to end this and take this up with my therapist.

Thank you, so much, for asking such great questions. Lotta unraveling

[moglow]

I'd venture a guess that plenty of people with NPD or other PDs are bullies and vice versa - and just as many aren't. They're not mutually exclusive, but still, none of that has to be your stuff unless you choose it.

Again, I'd highly recommend reading "the Four Agreements" and working on separating yourself from things that just aren't yours to carry. Sounds like you have more than enough of your own without taking on theirs or trying to figure them out.

[Petite_Potatoe]

Again, I'd highly recommend reading "the Four Agreements" and working on separating yourself from things that just aren't yours to carry. Sounds like you have more than enough of your own without taking on theirs or trying to figure them out.

I did read it many years ago- that part did not stick. I know it didnt stick due to a lack of a level of safety feeling in my own internal worlds. It's unsafe to even have my own stuff, let alone owning that stuff. My level of tolerance and capacities are growing. I get intellectually that i DESPARATELY need that, but I struggle enormously. My partner has been a safe place for me to start this process in how i relate to people and actually stating my needs. He has been open about when he's reacting to his past traumas and has communicated enough that I've learned his change in mood is his shit.

But yes, maybe I should try to find a resource for the four-agreements for someone on my spectrum. If anyone here has any suggestions I'm super open ears!
 
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

[Leonor]

Hi Petite,

Your social existence is not in shambles; you're just realizing that the people you used to hang around with aren't very good friends to you.

The good news is that there are literally billions of people in the world who do not know this guy, and billions among those billions wouldn't care much about what he said about you, even if they did meet him.

Sometimes we are so immersed in our own particular "friend group" that we forget that there are so many more people in the world to meet and talk to and enjoy - people who would be delighted to meet and talk to you!

It's even harder to see, ironically, when the group gets toxic. Everything triggers up old trauma stuff. The group gets smaller, and the people in it get meaner, and it's no fun anymore.

So you break up with them. Dump 'em. Ghost 'em. Whatever; you don't need to figure them out or beat them at their own game or make them see the light. It's like the old song: "just hop on the bus, Gus, you don't need to discuss much!"

It's like you grew out of a sweater. It was maybe too big at first; you felt a little lost in it. And then over time you grew into it, it was comfortable, it became your favorite article of clothing, and you couldn't bring yourself to get rid of it even as it got little holes, you just mended them as best you could, even though you knew it wasn't the same, but it had been your favorite for so long you couldn't imagine not wearing it, and then eventually it just got so itchy and uncomfortable you were ready to let it go.

It doesn't matter if this guy has money or slams you or everyone thinks you're the problem, whatever. You've outgrown them. "Just drop.off the key, Lee, and get yourself free!"

[moglow]

Petite Potatoe, you don't have to fight all the dragons and certainly not all at the same time. Maybe try and focus on the things you can change within yourself and let others do the same. Trying to figure others out when you're struggling already is going to create and perpetuate chaos you don't need. 

I guarantee that "social existence" will change again as soon as they find a new source. If these people create such angst and heartache for you, maybe they're not really your people.