Impact on children of joint custody with an NPD spouse

[JeannieM]

I often read on other relationship forums that when there is any kind of abuse (which is what I think the behaviours of someone with NPD is), that it is best for the children if the parent leaves. That even if custody is 50/50, that for half of the time the children will be in a safe and loving environment with the non abusive parent. But what I don't see discussed is the 50% of the time the children are with the abusive parent? What about when the children are being subjected to their abuse and the other parent isn't there to at least attempt to protect them (which I know often isn't possible anyway)? If a spouse can't even handle the abuse, how on earth can children? Or is this kind of advice from people who don't truly understand the impact and ramifications of leaving children in the sole company of an abusive PD parent for half of their lives?

[Boat Babe]

This is so difficult to answer.  I think in most cases, leaving is the lesser of two evils. If the non parent stays with the abusive PD partner the children can be shielded from much direct abuse. They will however witness you being abused, which is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience. (Check out the Adverse Childhood Experience studies online. It's very useful information that is directly relevant to your question.) They will also witness a very dysfunctional relationship between their parents, which will impact their own romantic relationships in adult life. And, if the abuse of the victim escalates, she or he may no longer be able to protect the children.

Having a 50/50 deal means the kids have half their lives OK. Possibly more because PDs aren't very good at parenting, especially on their own. Chances are the kids spend a lot more time with the healthy parent.

Speaking from personal experience, I am deeply grateful to my uBPD mum for leaving my very violent father when she did. But I never saw him again as she got full custody because he was so violent.

[moglow]

There's no easy answer and every situation truly is different.

More personal experience here - I don't see any advantage to having both parents in the home when their relationship is so toxic. I wish my nonPD parent had left far sooner than he did and my brothers are in agreement. Mother wasn't stable whether he was there or not, but the more overt abuse simply didn't happen when he [or later, my stepfather] was at home anyway. Her meltdowns were when it was just her and us, could just as well have been in response to the failure of their relationship and we were a convenient target, or maybe she was better able to contain herself when they were around. Honestly I get the feeling looking back that she cycled pretty hard and lost it when she knew she wouldn't get caught or called on it. Anyone who said or did anything or defended us in any way was shut out of our lives.

Once they divorced we had that outlet with Daddy and time away from her. If he'd stayed we wouldn't have had that and would, as Boat Babe mentioned, have been subjected to more of her/their dysfunctional garbage.

[Lauren17]

I am struggling with this very question right now.
I decided about 5 years ago to stay in order to minimize his uNPD impact on my kids. Oldest DD is now a young adult and is exhibiting behaviors that tie directly to her fathers behaviors and my responses to him.
I would like to see a study on what impacts MC and GR have on our children. I think that DD learned that I wouldn't stand up for her against father.  That has had negative consequences on her life choices.
I'm now in the middle of divorce. Of course, he is pushing for 50/50 custody of younger DD.
Here's what I'm learning.
-My kids father is their father. I cannot change that by staying or by leaving.
-When I stayed, kids were exposed to PD behavior 100% of the time. 50% is an improvement.

Everyone says that leaving demonstrates to the kids that you won't be treated poorly. Right now, I'm not sure they see that. And I can't ask them.
I can tell you that we've only been on separate homes for a few weeks and my kids are showing a marked preference for being at my house. That's very telling.

I hope my experiences help you to make the best decisions for your family.

I'm going to look up the ACE criteria now.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for sharing. 
I stayed much longer for my son, but, I think I actually used that as an excuse to stay in the fog.  I mean, you get so used to it, to walk out seemed so difficult and almost impossible.
I can not wait for separate homes - I hope by the summer.  It's been difficult and covid has slowed down the courts.