Speaking to police on exNPDs prolific fraud

[stcroix1979]

Hello friends.

Let me start by saying I'm not looking for any formal legal advice here; just any experience you may want to share that is relevant:

My NPD ex has been accused of significant embezzlement and fraud. There is an active investigation as a result.

After several years, I escaped this relationship recently, with whatever I could fit into a car, and drove away. While I do not have a complete perspective on the allegations, I know very well the financial abuse I have personally endured resulting from his gaslighting, and believe I could be helpful. My attorney is encouraging me to do so, and I agree with him.

I'm thankful that at the time of the allegations, he did not have access to my own finances (I finally cut him off), but naturally I am fearful — of speaking to authorities/testifying about someone who threatened me in every way possible to ensure my compliance with how he chose to conduct himself in the world. He is a proud criminal who can rationalize any strain of deceit. Would appreciate hearing from anyone who has experienced anything similar. Thank you so much.

[gfuertes]

I went through something pretty similar about 3 years ago, and am happy to answer any specific questions you can formulate.  I'm not sure I have great general advice to offer, because it sounds like you started seeing what was going on - and protecting yourself - earlier in the process than I did.  Good for you!  Really, from the bottom of my heart:  Good for you.

Prior to my soon-to-be-ex-husband going to prison, I was dealing with what I now recognize was profound cognitive dissonance.  It wasn't until he was gone that I realized clearly he was guilty, and that I had let myself be emotionally manipulated into believing and defending him.  Once my faith in him was lost, (and I became temporarily obsessed with going through every last thing in our home, where he had maintained an office,) I realized his fraud had gone far beyond that for which he was convicted.

He and I still have a child at home, who has been through quite enough trauma.  And it's important to me to maintain my relationships with my step-sons, who also think their dad was guilty, but who do not (to my knowledge) guess the full extent of how devious he's been.  Mainly for those reasons, I'm not interested in helping anyone prosecute him further.  I am asking for the unusual divorce stipulation that he be barred from having our youngest child work for him, or even go to work with him, and from using our son's identity in any way, for business ventures.  That's a hill I'm willing to die on, so if my ex proves silly enough to make me testify as to why I want those stipulations, then I will explain on the stand.  But I'm hoping he'll just agree to it, and comfort himself in painting me as a villain, and himself as the poor victim, to his next girlfriend, or his mother, or whoever.

While I hope unfolding events end up being mild enough that, looking back, I'll seem paranoid for saying this, I do have a real concern about him seeking retribution if I were to try to get him in more legal trouble than he's already gotten himself in.  I do not think he's ever killed anyone.  But at this point, I have no doubt he's capable of it.  And he threatened to kill me, once, because he blamed me for a critical business deal not working out - which is less serious than if I were to actively help him get sent to prison. 

If you have similar concerns about your ex - and if you have children depending on you as the stable parent - then I would think deeply about whether your lawyer is considering risks to your safety, in advising you to help the prosecution.  If you're not concerned for your safety...if your concern lies more in your ex lying and making false accusations in an attempt to punish you...then one nice thing about an abusive NPD person being prosecuted for fraud is that it will become increasingly clear to others that you have more credibility than he does.

[JustKeepTrying]

If I understand you clearly, you are concerned you may be asked to testify/give evidence etc and you are afraid he will retaliate?

I have not personally been in this position but I could easily see it happening.  My ex is guilty of financial abuse and our finances were discombobulated at best.  I could easily see a situation in the future where he is accused of fraud.  I did not see it personally in our finances but I could see him doing it.  There is a real disconnect with him.  He was also physically abusive and I was very afraid of him - still am.

All I can offer is this - answer only what you are asked and only in the presence of an attorney and only with your attorney's advice.  If you are questioned, the possibility of yourself being charged because you are afraid of your ex could happen.  Be clear with your attorney that you fear for your own safety if you are questioned - that may change how, when and if you are questioned.  Be sure your attorney has the right background to handle this.

As for yourself, until it happens read through the toolbox here over and over so those tools become rote and routine.  Pamper yourself and treat yourself kindly.  Be proud of yourself for taking a huge risk and walking away.  That takes courage - real guts and smarts.  You are an incredibly strong person to have gotten to this point.

gfuertes - I remember reading some of your other experiences and I am in awe of your strength, courage and smarts.

[stcroix1979]

Thank you. This is extremely helpful info. I am grateful for your kindness and advice.

[Poison Ivy]

My then husband (now ex-h) and his late father possibly engaged in illegal activity (for example, tax fraud). I sometimes had the desire that they "get in trouble" for this. But because we were married for much of the time that the activity was occurring, it seemed most important that I protect myself from any liability or responsibility I might have, solely because of being married to a person possibly engaged in illegal activity. So I focused on separating our finances to the extent possible, documenting my transactions, following the law precisely, and eventually getting a divorce.

I agree with this comment: "All I can offer is this - answer only what you are asked and only in the presence of an attorney and only with your attorney's advice.  If you are questioned, the possibility of yourself being charged because you are afraid of your ex could happen.  Be clear with your attorney that you fear for your own safety if you are questioned - that may change how, when and if you are questioned.  Be sure your attorney has the right background to handle this."