Another Christmas that will surely be ruined by my BPDm

[Maxtrem]

It's been a long time since I posted here, I thought it was getting relatively better, but another Christmas that will surely be ruined by my BPDm.

She does not accept that I do not see her on the 24th and the 25th for Christmas she does not accept another date. I was invited to my girlfriend's family on the 24th and on the 25th it's on my father's side. I proposed her the 26th in the evening, but no she claims that it is not the same and refuses the 24th or the 25th during the day!

Of course, she tried to make me feel guilty, told me that I don't care about her, that I'm mean, asked me what she did to me to make me hate her so much... Honestly, the list could be quite long! 

She also says she's going to stop taking her heart pills to get it over with, which is profoundly stupid since if she doesn't take her meds she'd have 3 to 5 years left on average. This is not suicide, but a bad life choice! She also says that if she commits suicide it will be my fault and that she will write me a long letter that she will leave with her will at the notary's office that will explain everything.

What's boring with all these bad experiences during the holidays is that I really don't like Christmas! It's even the first time this year that I took a vacation for Christmas, usually I prefer to work. My girlfriend loves Christmas and is excited about the arrival of December, I'm just apprehensive...

I realize more and more that I don't like this woman who is my mother. I only try to have courteous relationships out of obligation I guess. It got to the point where when she talked about killing herself (she mentionne it every time she doesn't get what she wants, so I don't take it seriously) I told myself that I would be better off without the weight that she represents.   

In short, these are pretty depressing facts! Plus I know I'm going to apprehend the holiday season as always and not enjoy it like my girlfriend would like me to.

[Cat of the Canals]

She also says she's going to stop taking her heart pills to get it over with, which is profoundly stupid since if she doesn't take her meds she'd have 3 to 5 years left on average. This is not suicide, but a bad life choice! She also says that if she commits suicide it will be my fault and that she will write me a long letter that she will leave with her will at the notary's office that will explain everything.

This is by far one of the most manipulative things I've ever heard on this site, and that is saying a lot. I'm sorry you're being subjected to this, Maxtrem.

Manipulation aside, it sounds to me like your mother has given you her answer. You are busy the 24th and 25th, have asked what other dates might work for her, and her answer is "none." Your next line is: OK then, I'll see you some other time. Hope you have a merry Christmas, mom!

Is she going to pout and guilt and call you mean? Of course! But she's going to do that anyway!

The only thing that will satisfy her is you changing your plans to suit her. That's the entire game for her. No amount of discussing it further is going to make her see reason. You could discuss it until you're blue and the face, and she'll still paint you as the "bad guy." So I'd give her one last, "If you want to see me for Christmas, tell me what date OTHER THAN THE 24th or 25th." and then drop the rope.

[SunnyMeadow]

Manipulation aside, it sounds to me like your mother has given you her answer. You are busy the 24th and 25th, have asked what other dates might work for her, and her answer is "none." Your next line is: OK then, I'll see you some other time. Hope you have a merry Christmas, mom!

This is a perfect reply. No other date will work for her so "ok, bye mom". She doesn't get to call the shots with a fully grown child. Just doesn't work that way.

As a person who had a personal experience with a very close family member committing suicide, I'm shocked and offended by your mother saying you'd be to blame for her suicide. This is absolutely heartless and would be cause for me to immediately cut her out of my life. I'm so sorry Maxtrem, this is quite appalling. That isn't something to be taken lightly in my opinion. I think my blood pressure just shot up. 

I don't like my mother either, don't want to talk to her, don't want to see her emails and texts pop up. I am courteous out of obligation as well. It's a tough position to be in. No matter what, put your relationship with your girlfriend first. Mom can stew in the background. She doesn't sound worth your time.

[WinterStar]

Maxtrem,

Yes, your mom is trying to ruin your Christmas. She's done it before, and she'd like to do it again. I assume her abuse is why you're apprehensive about the holiday season. That sucks. I agree with other posters who suggest giving her your availability, and if she doesn't like the options, then let her know you'll see her some other time. You're not under any obligation to tell her what your other plans are. I've started just inviting my mom to a neutral location on a specific day at a specific time. If she can't make it, no worries; we'll get together some other time. I got tired of the back and forth planning. It was exhausting, and it was never done. As soon as we'd make a plan, there'd be another proposal, and it would just spiral until all of my time, energy and attention went to that. No more.

Not taking her heart pills would be suicide. She's threatening suicide, and that's abusive. Easier said than done, but I would shut that down. "Mom, I know you're upset, but if you're going to threaten to kill yourself, I'm going to need to leave/get off the phone." Also, "Mom, I don't hate you, and I'm not going to listen to you say that I do." You don't have to entertain her verbal abuse.

[Cat of the Canals]

I should have said this before, but I agree with WinterStar that threats of suicide should be taken seriously no matter how sincere you think they are. If it were me, I'd tell the person, "If you are having suicidal thoughts, then I'm going to hang up and call the police." Any threat after that, and I'm actually calling the police. If they're merely "crying wolf," perhaps explaining themselves to the police will be embarrassing enough to stop them from playing this particular game in the future. If they're being genuine, you might save their life.

[bee well]

Sorry your Mom is doing these cruel manipulations and guilting you at Christmas (or any other time).

It is a distressing position to be in, thinking about this when you have every right  to be planning a happy, festive occasion.

Those terrible feelings and thoughts you have are just products of this situation. When you say "why would she hate me so much?" I don't know all of what you have been told, but The two words that stand out are "why and me." You don't have anything to do with the why of the things that have been said to you. Often, even when we know it's not us, the false guilt causes our brain come up with statements like that, and even goes so far as to make us feel like it is our fault  But It's not you--please keep telling yourself so!

I'm in agreement with other posters here- those threats should be taken seriously no matter what, please have all the appropriate numbers/resources on hand...Calling for a welfare check isn't a position any of us want to be in but one cannot afford to assume the threats are not real.

She may get very angry at you if you are put in the position to call but that's A LOT better than the alternative (understatement here). If the threats are false, and if she has then had welfare check (s), the thought of another one may stop her before she uses this tactic again.

I don't know much else your Mom's situation but I don't think there's much any of us can do to solve a problem in another person's head, especially if that person does not realize there is something that needs attention. Your saying yes or no in this case would probably have not much bearing on the larger picture. You only have the power to choose and decide what's best for you (and it looks like you have decided).

It's likely that even if you were to do as she likes, another reason would be found to justify similar behaviour, either with this or another matter. Certainly you cannot control her feelings and actions. I hope she is able to get some outside help at some point, if she hasn't already.

You wrote: "She doesn't get to call the shots with a fully grown child. Just doesn't work that way." That's absolutely right. You are an adult who is free to choose to do as he likes.

Please take care of yourself and your health.  You need it more than ever with this going on around you.