Radical acceptance - of me.

[Associate of Daniel]

Radical acceptance is such a gift.  The kind of gift you don't want but really need.

I've been able to apply it to the pds in my life :  They won't change, or do the right things  or ever care.

I think I still need to work on radically accepting myself as I am when dealing with them.

I don't like who I am when dealing with them.  I come across as rude (I don't respond to a lot of their emails.  I don't talk to them or look at them when in their presence. I often don't talk to other people when the pds are around.)  I come across as ridiculous. (I hide behind poles and corners or other people when in their presence.)

I behave those ways as a means of protecting myself.  It's not to hurt them.

I understand that.  I just need to accept that about myself a little more radically.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

I'm not sure if it was you but I am reading a book recommended here on radical acceptance.

It's hard to accept.  Part of the difficulty for me is I feel by accepting I am removing my hopes and dreams.  I don't like being a person who no longer dreams, wishes, or hopes.  I don't like that hard edge you need to deal with PDs - feels so foreign to me. 

I like being kind and open and direct and honest.  Going MC or grey rock is necessary when dealing with PD but it took every ounce of my energy.

I suppose that is why I was married to one.  My empathy was his energy source.

Perhaps it's about framing or spinning the reason.  I am putting that hard edge or boundary with PDs so that i can continue to be open, direct, kind and honest with others and myself. 

This is a hard road to walk.  Glad you and all here are there to walk it with me. 

You are really challenging me lately AOD.  Thank you

[LemonLime]

Oh this is a great thread!  Thanks for starting it AOD.  Can't wait to write a bit more when I'm off work.

[Associate of Daniel]

I thought I'd resurrect this thread as I've had a few more thoughts.

I have been thinking lately about how I've "changed" since before my uPDs entered my life.  I'm sad at the changes but realise that the ways I have changed reflect, amongst other things, what my current needs are.

The biggest thing I've been thinking of is that I no longer listen to music to any great extent.  I have a cupboard full of cds and records.  My car radio is tuned to my favourite stations.  I don't tend to turn any of these things on any more.

I'm always humming to myself but I used to sing along to the musicals or Tchaikowsky themes that played on the CD player or radio.  I don't any more.  I find it to be almost "noise".  And I need silence (apart from my incessant humming that drives even me crazy sometimes!)

I hope it's a long phase that I'm going through.  I hope I get back to being that person that I was before.  But right now I have to accept that this is who I am and this is what I need.

I just thought I'd put this out there.

AOD

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for resurrecting this thread, because I was not aware of radical acceptance, and I think it is something I need to check out.

My main uPD is my mother, so has always been in my life, and any changes I identify in myself started from the dawning realisation that she is a uPD. The music issue is something I can relate to. I used to listen to music a lot. I rarely listen now unless I am at the gym (in which case it has to be my music through headphones) and I have developed an utter hatred of canned music in restaurants. Especially jolly pop tunes at breakfast in a hotel.

[square]

AOD, is it possible your musical needs have changed?

When I was younger, I turned to music that was soothing and compassionate, thoughtful and deep.

I'm now nearly allergic to it. My coping has changed. I overthink things by nature but now I just chuck a lot down the well and turn to more invigorating music to help energize me.

Also, some of my old favorites are... just old. I've been enjoying new and new-to-me stuff.

For those allergic to new music, as always, the top of the charts is only a sliver of what's out there. But again, I'm also enjoying new-to-me music, one I added to the playlist this year was from 1968.

I treasure my old favorites but feel invigorated mentally and emotionally by finding new tunes that speak to the person I am and place I'm in today.

[1footouttadefog]

At some point I started to come Out of the FOG after two decades and felt like I had been in a time warp.

Had to discover who I was and how I would fit into the world as a 25years older teen.  Everyone had aged and matured. 

Alot had changed.  Music was part of it. 

[JustKeepTrying]

At some point I started to come Out of the FOG after two decades and felt like I had been in a time warp.

Had to discover who I was and how I would fit into the world as a 25years older teen.  Everyone had aged and matured. 

Alot had changed.  Music was part of it.

I would also add that listening to music allows  the mind to drift.  I find myself falling down that rabbit hole of memories and triggering myself.  Or becoming depressed.  So I have become careful about my music.  I no longer listen to music on the radio - only NPR - and anytime I want music I use my playlist of carefully curated content.

Back to radical acceptance, I have been working on this with my physical appearance.  A kind of I am who I am.  My xOCPDh would make snide remarks and as I am packing my stuff and recovering my surgery - I look back at photos and realize how beautiful I was - even though I didn't feel it because of his snark.  I was a damn good looking back then after three children.  And now I am working on using radical acceptance of my current self.  It's hard.