Dealing with narcissistic parent as a child

[Barelyexistinglol]

So this is my first ever post on here, or any forum for that matter so here goes. Approximately twice a month I'll get flashbacks of random parts my childhood and it sends me spiralling. Tonight I came across TikTok video of a woman talking about her narcissistic mother on Christmas and the story was almost identical to mine. It kinda hit me with reality of the situation I was in at the time.
When I was 17 it was the last Christmas I had ever spent with my father and stepmother. After years and years of being subjected to witnessing domestic violence and experiencing gaslighting, narcissistic abuse and well straight up emotional and mental neglect, I finally got to the age (round about 15) where I started to speak up for myself, I (Kinda) expressed my feelings but as you can imagine that didn't go down well and course everything was flipped back on me. Anyway, as I got older the less and less I wanted to visit my father, my anxiety would be so bad I'm dread days ahead of visiting. although I saw my father nearly every week or 2, it still wasn't good enough and I was made to feel like I simply did not love or care for him/family. So Christmas comes along and he picks me and my sister up from our mothers house to "celebrate" half of Christmas Day at his like we usually would. I'm the car he turned around and said "just so you know, you don't have any presents, don't want you to be disappointed" I knew he was deadly serious and I could already feel an awful pit in my stomach because I already had an idea of how this Christmas was going to go... so we get to the house and all my stepmothers family where there waiting for us. On the floor was quite a over the top pile of presents for my younger sister, meanwhile there was one on the floor next to my seat. The only present I was allowed, which happened to be a set of body wash. I wasn't allowed any of my cards or gifts from family members who were there and you could just tell they just sat that weirdly as they saw my sister up their stuff they got her. They where too scared of my stepmother (and if you knew her you'd understand why, just as bad/if not worse than my father). I just remember being sat there fighting back the tears, pretending to be ok (I shouldn't have been surprised because even birthdays I had everything they got taken from me nearly every year). They humiliated me in front of friends and family on Christmas and they didn't care, it wasn't even about gifts to me it was the belittlement on Christmas of all days. So referring back to the TikTok I mentioned her story was pretty much the same except she was younger than me but it really knocked me back to the point of a breakdown.

But yeah that just a snippet of the stuff that occurred in my life which has lead me to be riddled with anxiety and depression. I have such low self esteem I can't even look myself in the mirror most days, it's been years since I've been in contact, I just wanna know does it get easier?

[j.banquo]

Hey, thanks or sharing your story. Whenever I hear about something like that, it bowls me over, it really does. The absolute cruelty of it. I'm so sorry. I hope you're finding it helpful to write about it and share it.

About your question: in my personal experience, and observation of others, yeah it absolutely does get easier. For me it looked impossible, oh my God... it didn't get easier, and kept on not getting easier no matter what I tried, in fact it got increasingly worse... but I have good luck, and patience. When I really started trying to figure it out, it was 2001; it took 20 years. It felt like it happened all at once, but it didn't really. I just finally had all the pieces.

When it started to get easier, it was when I connected my current experiences with the concept of CPTSd flashbacks.

Then it was sudden, and it was overwhelming - not in a bad way (sometimes really unpleasant though). Like - I know it doesn't sound real, but muscle tension and pain going away, it turns out my senses were dialed down to 30% capacity and they came back and everything felt dialed up to 140%. my normal level of cognitive abilities returned. my memory turns out to be really great, and it is really fun to have a memory like that. sometimes i'm able to relax in ways i don't remember being possible since I was 10, only once or twice so far, but whoa...

The emotional experience has been unreal; for a week I was experiencing emotions that I've never felt before, so I bet those came from some pre-verbal place... They weren't nice ones. I had crazy physical symptoms. None of it was stuff that hadn't already been happening symptom-wise, just some of the emotions were new. I had migraines so bad I knew it wasn't safe to drive, just a massive list of stuff like that. I had the time to just sit around and let whatever was happening play out, and knowing it was a flashback allowed me to figure out how to get through it.

It has all been an experience I would never have thought was possible if I weren't directly experiencing it. It turns out that all that matters is find out what things might help you, and then try them one by one, go back and research more, repeat.

[Barelyexistinglol]

Hey, thanks or sharing your story. Whenever I hear about something like that, it bowls me over, it really does. The absolute cruelty of it. I'm so sorry. I hope you're finding it helpful to write about it and share it.

About your question: in my personal experience, and observation of others, yeah it absolutely does get easier. For me it looked impossible, oh my God... it didn't get easier, and kept on not getting easier no matter what I tried, in fact it got increasingly worse... but I have good luck, and patience. When I really started trying to figure it out, it was 2001; it took 20 years. It felt like it happened all at once, but it didn't really. I just finally had all the pieces.

When it started to get easier, it was when I connected my current experiences with the concept of CPTSd flashbacks.

Then it was sudden, and it was overwhelming - not in a bad way (sometimes really unpleasant though). Like - I know it doesn't sound real, but muscle tension and pain going away, it turns out my senses were dialed down to 30% capacity and they came back and everything felt dialed up to 140%. my normal level of cognitive abilities returned. my memory turns out to be really great, and it is really fun to have a memory like that. sometimes i'm able to relax in ways i don't remember being possible since I was 10, only once or twice so far, but whoa...

The emotional experience has been unreal; for a week I was experiencing emotions that I've never felt before, so I bet those came from some pre-verbal place... They weren't nice ones. I had crazy physical symptoms. None of it was stuff that hadn't already been happening symptom-wise, just some of the emotions were new. I had migraines so bad I knew it wasn't safe to drive, just a massive list of stuff like that. I had the time to just sit around and let whatever was happening play out, and knowing it was a flashback allowed me to figure out how to get through it.

It has all been an experience I would never have thought was possible if I weren't directly experiencing it. It turns out that all that matters is find out what things might help you, and then try them one by one, go back and research more, repeat.

Thank you for replying, I just had to share even apart of my story one way or another. I bottle things up and then when my breakdown episode is over I try not to think about it, until something triggers me into another breakdown. I always get a feeling of overwhelming embarrassment and/or regret and shame out of speaking my truth, but I'm tired of going in circles.

I didn't even know memory loss it was some sort of side effect but it resonates with me so much. My memory is shockingly bad, but it's weird because all the abuse that happened at my fathers, I remember it all. My mother thinks I'm careless sometimes because of how often I forget things, which it would look like because it's a very common thing I do. I didn't even know it happened people who had been through similar traumas.

[notrightinthehead]

Gosh that is so sadistic, I don't even know what to say. I am so glad you are no contact. Have you considered that you might be suffering with C-PTSD? Do you have real life support?

[Barelyexistinglol]

Gosh that is so sadistic, I don't even know what to say. I am so glad you are no contact. Have you considered that you might be suffering with C-PTSD? Do you have real life support?

I looked in to it and I thought that's what I could be suffering from but I always thought because it only happens like twice a month that it wasn't a big deal? But as I've read and seen people's stories the more and more I feel like I could have c ptsd. I do try and open up to my mother but I don't think she fully understands, she tells me to always look forward but it's so hard when I can get so caught up in the past, I know she's trying to help shes just never experienced anything I went through, she grew up with my grandparents who are still together and honestly amazing people.
But yes I do not have any contact with my dad anymore, even his own family don't associate themselves with him or his partner, my mother is actually best friends with his auntie and her children as am I. They despise him like the rest.

[j.banquo]

I didn't even know memory loss it was some sort of side effect but it resonates with me so much. My memory is shockingly bad, but it's weird because all the abuse that happened at my fathers, I remember it all. My mother thinks I'm careless sometimes because of how often I forget things, which it would look like because it's a very common thing I do. I didn't even know it happened people who had been through similar traumas.

I have to stress this: my memory was so bad, my short-term memory was sometimes about half a second. I'd walk over to the kitchen, stand there, give up and leave, and repeat, for ten minutes, before successfully getting a glass of water. I'd forget my wallet, even after I made a checklist of things to bring when I left the house. My wallet, even though I would go over the list, looking at it, twenty times probably before leaving.

My memory came absolutely roaring back, right when I started to change key perspectives and behaviors... even things like noticing I remember random characters' names from books or movies I haven't seen in twenty years. How to navigate to a particular place or the names of streets. Every kind of memory, roaring back.

I never need a checklist or whatever, I just know what I need, and I leave...

Unless I've recently had to deal with abusive behavior, and the memory problems come right back. No question.



I had to learn about CPTSD, emotional flashbacks, and the effects of trauma, ongoing abuse, and past abuse. I single those out, since knowing all of those things turned out to be absolutely necessary.

I came across the concept of CPTSD about 2-4 years ago, and recognized it immediately as something I must be suffering from, but I thought the trauma had been from something else.
I didn't really learn anything new over those 2-4 years, but my perspective on a few things changed slightly, and bam.

I got lucky in a sense; I got so scared about something, I went into long-term fight mode, and stopped being able to doubt, censor myself, or worry too much about what anyone else thought about me. I liked that, so I kept figuring out how to get back to it, since this time I absolutely had to.

I read everything I could find, yes.

I also experienced it firsthand, though, and it has been unreal. I had no idea the extent to which a person could be physically and cognitively affected. It was learning about emotional flashbacks that helped me the most. Understanding "oh okay, it isn't anxiety or distorted thoughts, it's a fragment of emotion from a real experience that was horrible." Or "I'm not actually feeling despair right now, this is coming from something in the past, and may even have been triggered by seeing those french fries over there, the curly ones... huh."

I usually sit with the emotion, and kind of poke around, and see if I can figure out what it has to do with. When it finally passes (could take five minutes or hours), I notice right away that I'm waking back up to reality from some kind of horrible time travel.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome to this site.

Yes, I also dealt with memory issues as part of having C-PTSD and also, as part of getting help for it.

There are lots of different symptoms of complex PTSD. Being here on the site you can keep asking questions and see how many of us have learned how to manage some of these symptoms. Some of them go together - the sleep disturbances and memory issues can be frustrating as one makes the other, it can feel like a vicious cycle some days.

Talking to your family members might be helpful, at times, but it is quite different from talking to a therapist or counsellor, who is trained to walk through a process of exploring your PTSD symptoms with you, one by one. Most of us don't have family (or friends) who have that skill set - or time. So if you can, is it possible to look at talking to someone in a counselling position about the symptoms you have? If you don't, then this site will be helpful with some of that too. We have all been through a lot and it does get easier when you can sort out some of the symptoms and identify what helps you manage them from day to day, which is a process of two steps forward 1 step back. The improvements feel very small at times. But small does not mean insignificant.

Good luck to you right now,

Trees

[j.banquo]

Talking to your family members might be helpful, at times, but it is quite different from talking to a therapist or counsellor, who is trained to walk through a process of exploring your PTSD symptoms with you, one by one.

I want to chime in here: sometimes therapy can make you  worse, or at best be a waste of time. I mean worse, not just feel worse. I did CBT very successfully for PTSD when I needed it, but having it forced on me as a treatment for depression was a disaster, and undermined my self-esteem even more.

It's one thing if you actually are "maximizing," or if you're having distorted thoughts, or all-or-nothing thinking. When the thought you're seeing as all-or-nothing is "things always fall apart just when I start to feel good about my life," and things actually do always do that, then you're in fact trying to gaslight yourself.

When I went looking for a therapist (I have two at the moment, haha), I specifically asked "when you say you're trauma informed, what does that mean to you," and "how many patients have you had with CPTSD?" If they think and take a while to answer, that's a good sign. If they look taken aback, I personally stop considering them as an option.

Good luck, and listen to your intuition about when to push yourself, and when to take space or give yourself a break from all of this.

[Barelyexistinglol]

Hello and welcome to this site.

Yes, I also dealt with memory issues as part of having C-PTSD and also, as part of getting help for it.

There are lots of different symptoms of complex PTSD. Being here on the site you can keep asking questions and see how many of us have learned how to manage some of these symptoms. Some of them go together - the sleep disturbances and memory issues can be frustrating as one makes the other, it can feel like a vicious cycle some days.

Talking to your family members might be helpful, at times, but it is quite different from talking to a therapist or counsellor, who is trained to walk through a process of exploring your PTSD symptoms with you, one by one. Most of us don't have family (or friends) who have that skill set - or time. So if you can, is it possible to look at talking to someone in a counselling position about the symptoms you have? If you don't, then this site will be helpful with some of that too. We have all been through a lot and it does get easier when you can sort out some of the symptoms and identify what helps you manage them from day to day, which is a process of two steps forward 1 step back. The improvements feel very small at times. But small does not mean insignificant.

Good luck to you right now,

Trees

I think I'm going to look in to therapy, I was all set to go early this year but I backed out because of my anxiety. I often feel shame and guilt thinking that maybe what happened to me wasn't that bad and that I'm overreacting. But this has been going on for over 6 years. Also I don't know if you or anyone experienced feeling like your in a dream almost, I don't often feel grounded. It's hard to describe. I'm like this all the time and my anxiety has increased because of this. I can't drink alcohol no more as I feel like it makes this worse the next day, it's like torture. Im constantly drained even when I get enough sleep and barely making it through the day, daily tasks are so hard to do and I become so easily irritated  but I know that can be a symptom of depression too.
Thank you everyone for their advice so far, means the world to me to have some sort of clarity

[Boat Babe]

Hi there Barelyexistinglol and first of all 

I would be surprised if you didn't have C-PTSD after experiences like these. My God, well done on remaining sane, insightful and compassionate.

Can I recommend a couple of things that are evidence based and that greatly contribute to emotional AND physical healing. Both of these allow you to tackle the processing and integration of your experiences that are also part of the healing process.

The first is to do a practice such as yoga or Tai chi.  You immediately feel better after one session. It's cumulative and you start to notice shifts in your body, the way you hold yourself, how you breathe, where the centre of balance is in your body etc etc. This gets you out of your head, the rumination, the worry etc and into your body. It's a lovely relief.

The second practice is that of Mindful Self Compassion.  It sounds woo but it really isn't. When we have been treated like shit, that's what our self image becomes. The abusers are no longer in the room but their work continues. You can break this circuit (over time) by meeting your resulting painful and limiting feelings with compassion. As you would to a good friend. Please check out Dr Kristin Neff and the Mindful Self Compassion website.

I look forward to reading about your story.

[Barelyexistinglol]

Hi there Barelyexistinglol and first of all 

I would be surprised if you didn't have C-PTSD after experiences like these. My God, well done on remaining sane, insightful and compassionate.

Can I recommend a couple of things that are evidence based and that greatly contribute to emotional AND physical healing. Both of these allow you to tackle the processing and integration of your experiences that are also part of the healing process.

The first is to do a practice such as yoga or Tai chi.  You immediately feel better after one session. It's cumulative and you start to notice shifts in your body, the way you hold yourself, how you breathe, where the centre of balance is in your body etc etc. This gets you out of your head, the rumination, the worry etc and into your body. It's a lovely relief.

The second practice is that of Mindful Self Compassion.  It sounds woo but it really isn't. When we have been treated like shit, that's what our self image becomes. The abusers are no longer in the room but their work continues. You can break this circuit (over time) by meeting your resulting painful and limiting feelings with compassion. As you would to a good friend. Please check out Dr Kristin Neff and the Mindful Self Compassion website.

I look forward to reading about your story.

Thank you for your kind words! Honestly when you've been through years and years of gaslighting you almost lose sight of what's real so to be seen as sane is one of the best compliments lol
I'll definitely consider checking out what you've told me, I know I need to do something at least, my struggle has gone on too long.

[Barelyexistinglol]

I didn't even know memory loss it was some sort of side effect but it resonates with me so much. My memory is shockingly bad, but it's weird because all the abuse that happened at my fathers, I remember it all. My mother thinks I'm careless sometimes because of how often I forget things, which it would look like because it's a very common thing I do. I didn't even know it happened people who had been through similar traumas.

I have to stress this: my memory was so bad, my short-term memory was sometimes about half a second. I'd walk over to the kitchen, stand there, give up and leave, and repeat, for ten minutes, before successfully getting a glass of water. I'd forget my wallet, even after I made a checklist of things to bring when I left the house. My wallet, even though I would go over the list, looking at it, twenty times probably before leaving.

My memory came absolutely roaring back, right when I started to change key perspectives and behaviors... even things like noticing I remember random characters' names from books or movies I haven't seen in twenty years. How to navigate to a particular place or the names of streets. Every kind of memory, roaring back.

I never need a checklist or whatever, I just know what I need, and I leave...

Unless I've recently had to deal with abusive behavior, and the memory problems come right back. No question.



I had to learn about CPTSD, emotional flashbacks, and the effects of trauma, ongoing abuse, and past abuse. I single those out, since knowing all of those things turned out to be absolutely necessary.

I came across the concept of CPTSD about 2-4 years ago, and recognized it immediately as something I must be suffering from, but I thought the trauma had been from something else.
I didn't really learn anything new over those 2-4 years, but my perspective on a few things changed slightly, and bam.

I got lucky in a sense; I got so scared about something, I went into long-term fight mode, and stopped being able to doubt, censor myself, or worry too much about what anyone else thought about me. I liked that, so I kept figuring out how to get back to it, since this time I absolutely had to.

I read everything I could find, yes.

I also experienced it firsthand, though, and it has been unreal. I had no idea the extent to which a person could be physically and cognitively affected. It was learning about emotional flashbacks that helped me the most. Understanding "oh okay, it isn't anxiety or distorted thoughts, it's a fragment of emotion from a real experience that was horrible." Or "I'm not actually feeling despair right now, this is coming from something in the past, and may even have been triggered by seeing those french fries over there, the curly ones... huh."

I usually sit with the emotion, and kind of poke around, and see if I can figure out what it has to do with. When it finally passes (could take five minutes or hours), I notice right away that I'm waking back up to reality from some kind of horrible time travel.

Yes! I can't relate to the memory thing more, I'm constantly repeating things to myself because if I don't I will forget almost right away. I remember the time it really hit home I had a memory problem was with a friend, she was saying all these stories of times we have over the years, months and weeks and I'd sit there dumbfounded, like I didn't even live the life she was talking about. So scary.

I'm definitely looking more in to CPTSD and considering some form of therapy after reading what other peoples pov.

[j.banquo]

I'm definitely looking more in to CPTSD and considering some form of therapy after reading what other peoples pov.

If someone didn't say this already, look into EMDR too. I've only heard good things about it. One thing I've read the most, also, is that you really need to involve your whole body in the process of dealing with it all. And, that some people work through it just fine without talking about the events themselves.

If you want to try something at home, check out the Emwave 2. You can get one used for a reasonable price.