Worn out but standing firm

[escapingman]

I am worn out, I am exhausted, but I am standing firm. STBX (uNPDw/uBPDw) has been love bombing me for a month now, mixing this in with random outbursts and complaints. I find it extremely hard when she is pushing and pushing for us to go back to how things were, she is violating my boundaries constantly and then gets angry when I enforce them. The cognitive dissonance is still there trying to tell me to drop all of this and just go back to an easy life with her, but it's getting weaker as I now there is no easy life with her as I would just jump straight back in the cycle and before I know it the next phase would start (again). I have had many talks with one of my daughters, the scape goated one, and she is struggling. She told me she can't concentrate at all, not in school, not at sport, not at home as all she is thinking of is the stress caused by STBX. She says she want to speak to her teacher about it, the one that spoke to her when social was involved, but she is to scared as she thinks her sister (the golden child) will find out and tell STBX. This was the problem when she spoke to the teacher last time, teacher said to come back to her whenever if she wanted to talk and she would speak to both of them.

I am not sure what to do really, it's only a week and a bit to Christmas and if I leave/file now STBX will use that against me in a smear campaign. If I leave it until after I will probably experience a full IDD cycle which could end in any way (Christmas day always end in a full blown rage from her). Her constant love bombing, then telling me I am mean when not accepting the love, followed by another love bomb, followed by another complaint and so on is really wearing me down. It's starting to get so bad I am close to just walk out the house and not come back, but I need a better plan than that. I wish I had a therapist right now, but I am on the waitlist, and if lucky I will get one in a couple of months. In certain ways I need one less and less as I am self healing and am slowly getting further and further Out of the FOG, I just need to be enough out of it to not bother about STBX anymore. I am close, but not close enough. But I feel that any day, any minute that last little FOG could clear.

[Simon]

I feel for you man.

Cluster B's are very good at getting what they want, and depending on their age and experience, usually have all the tools in their toolbox to make it happen.
It's going to take a lot of resolve on your part to see this through.

Although you may feel like she's wearing you down, think of it this way; Many people would have folded by now. I'd guess that in the past, you would have already folded by now.
Take that as a sign of new strength on your part.
You're stronger than you were.

And Cluster B's are never going to respond well to boundaries or us saying no.
If we set up healthy boundaries in the beginning, they would have either run for the hills, or given us enough red flags for us to do so.
But setting boundaries deep into a relationship or marriage is always going to be met with maximum resistance and ultimately rage.
If someone's been getting their way all this time, there's no way they're letting you say NO now.

I think you know the scale of the rage that's coming when you file.
You just need to be ready and prepared for it, and no-one blames you for biding your time, and choosing the right moment.

As for a therapist or counsellor, have you tried an online one, while you're waiting for the appointment you've made?
I don't know how busy they are right now, but maybe worth looking at either A J Mahari (find her on YouTube for contact details), or Dr. T (from Shrink4men.com).
They both specialise in Co-dependency and healing from Narcissistic Abuse.
Maybe an appointment or two to get you through to your scheduled one.

Good luck.

[escapingman]

I found a new channel on youtube, it is very refreshing and has some different views. The channel is called "The Four Things That Heal BPD and NPD Abuse" and is hosted by an ex BPD abuse sufferer. Some of the thingsI have struggled to get grasp of has been explained very well, especially his explanations about the relationship between empaths and BPD/NPD. He also mentioned a very interesting observation, all BPD's are also NPD, but not all NPD are BPD's and BPD's are generally what also is a cover NPD. To me this makes so much sense as I always struggled to put a finger of if my STBX is BPD or a covert NPD. He also explained the thing about empaths and super empaths in such a good way, at least it made me fit in. I have always thought of myself as an empath/super empath but not felt comfortable with every explanation of empaths as very caring and empathic. His explanation is that us empaths are actually quite narcissistic but not NPD, as we (certainly I do) behave very empathic but for selfish reasons to get love and approval. This really was light being hit by lightening, I am selfish because I want to be validated and loved. So true. I have always wanted to be loved and validated, that's why I got caught so badly by my STBX.

This is a bit philosophical, sorry if nothing makes sense, but it helps me further on my journey and I am starting to focusing more on me and less on her. I suppose the ultimate goal is to focus only on me as that is when an escape is going to happen without any remorse of guilt.

[escapingman]

The last our she has been back to form, shouting and swearing and then 2 seconds later behaving like all is fine. I am seriously considering just going and start the process from a hotel. Can I leave one week before Christmas? Will she be able to hold that against me? I am so tired, so so so tired. I am only staying for the children right now. I feel disgusted when STBX is near me, I don't think I will even feel bad anymore when I actually tell her that's it. I rather live in a hotel room for Christmas than pretending to be happy family with her, I don't think I can even do it for the kids.

[escapingman]

What is making this harder (or easier) whatever way you see it is, when she is love bombing me she has devalued the Golden Child as my replacement. They are at odds now and STBX is extremely abusive to her, makes me wanna vomit. But I suppose whatever happens short term is not going to affect long term to much, but I really feel sick. My only questions is, can I manage to after Christmas, or can't I. I don't know.

[Poison Ivy]

Things that happen in the short term definitely could affect your children, even if they don't influence the outcome of the divorce.

[escapingman]

Things that happen in the short term definitely could affect your children, even if they don't influence the outcome of the divorce.

What I mean is, whatever affects the kids short time must be much better than continue getting the long term abuse.

[Poison Ivy]

I misunderstood. I agree with you, escapingman.

[hhaw]

EM:

I hope you're documenting the abusive treatment to the children too.

[escapingman]

Hhaw, I have hours and hours of recordings. I hope I won't need them, but I have them.

I got to a point yesterday when I could not take it anymore, she was shouting at the girls and I told her off. She stormed to bed crying and of course the kids blamed me. But, I know the truth and the only one that decided it was worth crying was STBX. It is not my fault she could not handle a telling off. It's so hard to keep MC and GR, but the tension and the emotions are building up and I think I just needed a release. Now she is pretending nothing happened and tries to get me on her side again, it's so tiring. It must surely be a boundary she is violating by not getting the point and keep coming back after she pretend to be a victim. This reminds me a bit of the movie where the girl wakes up every morning with no memory of the last day and her husband has to seduce her and win her love again every day, but this the opposite I have to tell STBX it is over every day just for her to pretend all is fine again the next day.

I.AM.TIRED.

[hhaw]

EM:

At the point you reported your situation you seemed to have enough evidence and cause for filing divorce, possibly charges and restraining order as I understood it.

You stayed.

Things got worse.  You asked about restraining order, but the PD has been countering with behaviors she can't be charged with.  I was told the same thing, btw, bc I waited after the initial assault.

You don't know if leaving at Christmas will harm your case, bc you aren't hooked into a really competent attorney who sees the entire picture, understands all possible likely outcomes and shares that info with you after researching the exact case law involved so you BOTH understand the situation AND use it to make a good plan, put it in action and follow it without veering off course.

As a fellow empathy, I get it.  Been there.  Did it.  The question is, at what point do you make your stand, hold the PD accountable to the extent you can and stop allowing the PD and yourself to continue muddying the waters with odd dysfunctional choices NO ONE understands, bc PDs tearing themselves, their lives, spouses and children apart is disordered, doesn't make sense and WILL NEVER make sense.

So now you're patching together a short version of your truth, based solely on the evidence you have AND perhaps statements your children will make (think of the girls in your PD's control when they do that, btw) and YHAT will be the theory of the case you present to a Judge while asking for whatever protections, treatment and custody or visitation for yourself.

And.....
btW,
I would point you in the direction of Codependent relationship information, which could be very helpful to understanding what you're dealing with also, ime.

Needing to be needed is human.  We all need love and empathy.

Needing everyone to be ok, before you feel ok, limits your ability to be responsive, to think many choices through and select the best choice to bring about optimaal outcomes for yourself and your children, ime.

Your living in a reactive mode, traveling old brain pathways before you can consider, for one second, you HAVE choice, imo. 

This is the ladscape and ime trauma bonding is a part of the equation also, even though you're at the point where you fully understand you have no control over your wife's disordered conduct, you used to believe and try to control it.  Maybe you still do..... waiting for her to understand you and the divorce sounds like you still have hope.

My point is.....
Àssuming you're perhaps as broken as your wife is a weak position to be in.  Not that you are, but..... I'm concerned and pecking this response out with one finger on my phone.

You have issues.....we all do.  You put up with assault and abusive treatment of your children.  You're in over your head and reacting to the PD, assuming "telling her off" ( paraphrasing here) is raising your aggressively and speaking the truth,which unhinges the PDs AND gives them something to point to as ABUSE against them.....with the kids dragged in for terrifying measure as witnesses. 

When you're plotting the shortest least destructive route through divorcing a PD with kids crushed in the middle ...... You aim for mitigating harm and accept ongoing trauma is  part of all your lives.

That's almost impossible to square for empaths, ime, which brings us to finding a way to learn how.

I found a competent Trauma Informed Therapist with Buddhist leanings and it changed my life after 20 years of suffering and blaming myself, bc that's what empaths tend to do, ime.

It's the same with Cluster B PDs....they do what they're always done and will do.

Accepting that.....
Dropping judgements around it so you can see what's truly there without panic and chemical dumps that rib you of reason and choice.
Be super kind to yourself, always....like caring for a child.
You can hold your stbx in your mind with compassion, as she suffered as a child and us suffering, bc if that WHILE doing what you can to limit your children's suffering/your own in order to create less suffering for the majority....
In order to model healthier family dynamics while a window if opportunity still exists, ime.

It won't be easy.

There will be moments where pain and panic could send you spinning down old reactive paths you're mindfully stepping away from. 

You'll create plans  during calm moments where you're accessing logic, creative problem solving and good advice from attorneys, therapists and supporters who GET your situation.

You'll learn how to stop the panic and reactivity to restore your ability to respond....be responsive in the best possible way for your children and self.

++++Melody Beatty wrote a book+++++
Codependent No More.  It's a quick study you might find enlightening.

Thich Nhat Hahn's book
PEACE IS EVERY STEP you might find helpful, or at least diverting from the worry worry worry coping strategy that's not serving you well right now, imo.

Learning to do ONLY what one can, then put the stress on a shelf, is a coping strategy allowing the brain and body to rest, heal and engage in more frontal cortex thinking to identify and select the best choices available.

You're stuck in a biochemical hijack and it's impossible to think oneself out of that, ime.

The key is in the breath.  To slow it down, focus on it or the discomfort in the body means a tiger can't be chasing us.  If we don't slow and focus our breathing, fight or flight chemicals continue flooding the brain and body.  Survival brain wants to fee, fight, freeze it fawn. 

Breathing slow and focused reaches up under the amygdala and unhooks the wires to survival brain to restore higher brain function......logic, creative problem solving and choice.

This process is how one gets through the PD divorce with less suffering.  I only wish I knew about them 20 years ago.

In the meantime,
Acceptance
Non Judgmental focus
Tsunamis of self compassion
Keep researching
Learn to focus on breathing


You seem to have found your curiosity.  That's a good thing and shifts focus off the situation, which everyone needs.

I wish you and your family the best possible outcome.  Talk to your attorney and domestic violence advocates.  Make a plan.  Follow it.

This too shall pass.

[Boat Babe]

 

[hhaw]

One more thing...my post has an overwhelming amount of information no one can take on board quickly or easily.

It's a  post pointing to paths..... new, unfamiliar and sometimes frightening IF we lean in with fear and doubt.

If we drop the fear and doubt, just for a little while, to lean in with curiosity..... we can begin to practice.  To fail or figure out small things leading to larger lessons...... it's a 2 steps forward, one step back requring a return to noticing whats there without judgment, to being overtly kind without fail to self and breath work...... walking meditation, pushinga against walls as hard as we can.... whatever works for you and something will work, IME, IF you stop judging and focus.  Keep going back and noticing what shifts, what frustrates, what bring relief and a smile to your lips, even when things are chaotic and toxic.... you can find ways to shift perspective and gain emotional distance.

My T explained it like this.....
It's the difference between having your nose pressed against the pebble (problem) OR seeing the pebble from a great distance, in the field along with the other pebbles, trees, flowers, lakes and streams.

If we can gain some emotional distance, if we can manage to expand our POV..... we manage to see the pebble, the problems creating it AND many solutions and choices to shift us away from the problem and toward better things, IME.

As long as we're living in fight or flight.... in your case I think it's freeze and fawn, EM...... as long as we're trapped in that chemical hijack, we deny ourselves our finest resources......ourselves.

You're living in fear of the what ifs......
what if things GET WORSE!?!
What if they get worse at Christmas!!?!?
What if I file and sabotage my ability to get a fair outcome in court, bc I DID that?!?!

That's all worry worry worry and no DOING what you can then putting the story on the shelf to be present, rest mindfully in awareness for yourself and with your children in order to be more competent, rational and creative while you navigate what will come to an end...... the divorce.

There's no way OUT of this, except through it, once you decide to go.  This means you will have good and bad days. Accepting it.  Not fearing terribly when the bad lands on your head is a small step to shifting your coping strategies to something better,IME.

And things WILL shift if you begin practicing, suspending judgment and embracing curiosity...... being kind so very very kind to yourself and holding the PD with compassion in your mind......
there's nothing else possible excpet change, even if you DO NOTHING NEW......
change is still unfolding, always.

Having some say, some measure of shifting trajectory and turning toward the positives while putting the negatives in some kind of perspective your brain can handle (not be shut down by) is possible and available to you.

I'm shocked you're doing as well as  you are, EM.

I can imagine how your life will shift if you nurture yourself while enlisting better coping strategies and brain calming skills.

THIS too shall pass.  Believe that and don't be afraid to PUSH on a doorjamb so you're calm enough to FOCUS on your breathing for 10 breaths, then 20 then 10 minutes.  Go out into nature and look at the trees and bark and roots and animals.... shift your focus so you can expand the space between you and your problems in order to SEE them with spaciousness affording you more choice.

You aren't doing brain surgery here.

You're goal is to create 1 or 2 seconds BEFORE reactivity patterns grab and take your focus off being present.

You're creating and opening a window of resilience to HELP you cope, strategize and problem solve better.

Not rocket science. Not alchemy.  Just biochemistry you can understand, tend to and expand your tolerance to stress so you have
more
choice
and
ability
to
respond.

Small steps, EM.

Small choices leading to profound unexpected relief and changes you can't see coming till they arrive.... and if you practice....you'll have your own.

Remember.....90 yo monks practice their entire lives..... always practicing.  No one perfects meditation.  They all practice and you can practice too.

Good luck

[escapingman]

WOW, I am touchen that someone cares so much about me and write so long comprehensive replies.

I am getting my plan together, at the moment I am trying to rebuild myself as much as I can by limiting my time with her. This weekend I am away, booked 3 nights in a hotel and told her I am going for an event. She moaned but I did not care. I am right now sitting down, drinking a coffee, looking at people and just breathing. This is so wo derful. No pressure, just breathing. My plan for the day, I can change it if I want to, because it us just me, is to walk in a park. Nothing more. Everything else will be decided after I done my walk. No one else to think of. Just me.

I might be selfish doing this, but so be it. I need my own space. At home I am suffocated.  I don't make any progress and I am constantly on edge. I close my office door and she just barge through. I jump. She leaves. I close the door. She barge through again. I jump. I can't continue like that.

Thanks again for all kind words.

[escapingman]

I just booked a table for one at of the best restaurants in the Town I am in. I am so looking forward to enjoy the food with no risk of drama. It's a cuisine my uNPDw doesn't like so haven't eaten much of it the last 15 years. I am starting to carve out my new life and soon she will be cut out completely.

[hhaw]

It's not selfish to save yourself.

You're the one good-enough parent.

It's an obligation.  No t selfishness.

You can't save your wife from herself....no denying that at this point and accepting that's ok.  It is what it is.  Let it be without trying to change her.

You CAN save yourself and your daughters.  Give your attention to what you can do.

It's simpler when the PD isn't chattering and nattering and raging in your headspace, taking up all your energy to get through another day without folding, ime.

You can't know this now, but it's possible to limit and end the stbx's control over your Nervous System and emotions.  It comes and goes when children are involved, of course, but you're, right now on this break experiencing relief/resilience you can cultivate and build from this moment forward.  Even when the PD rages, you can control your emotions ... it's coming, em.

I check myself.....and think about my choices.  I try to make new and different ones all day, everyday to break down brain pathways made thick and  lightening fast by habitual use.  White matter in the brain is fat deposited around pathways we use all the time....myelin.

IF we make different choices, which takes a second to catch before we're thrown down reactive pathways if habit, we can build new pathways thick and lightening fast.   

The body is miserly with this fatty myelin coating.  It doesn't manufacture more.  It takes from thick pathways and builds around the new pathways IF we're working hard, so very very hard to change them, ime.

This is part of the biochemical hijack you're up against.  You aren't weak. 

Frontal cortex/higher brain function requires much more energy to operate.  Survival brain/ reactivity requires much less energy to function.

It's really difficult to do and exhausting, but worth the effort.  60 days of making new choices is enough to build new pathways.....think about that.  Our brains are amazing!

First, one must notice one's choices.  You have the chance to do that during this break on your own.

Once you're aware, gently rest in this state of noticing (without judgment....holding curiosity helps) and SEE more choice become available.  You WILL begin to feel like your old self again.

I can say do this, do that, but you're the one fighting this good fight.....not me.  I lost my fight spectacularly years ago.  You're already doing better than me, bc you're on this board, trying to see down the lanes lit by those who've traveled them before you.  We hold up lanterns for you to SEE and learn from you ur lessons.  So much amazing wisdom shared by posters on this forum.

All your brain needs is a split second, em, before reactivity ribs you of reason and logic..... You're creating spaciousness around the pebble.....to get your nose OFF it .....so you see everything and everyone and more choice around the pebble.

Your stbx relentlessly takes your attention and focus..... she's your pebble right now.  You have more control over your focus than you realize, em.  This might not make sense now, but it likely will soon.

It's not easy.  Onebbegins with going back to the basics,again and again.....
Drop all judgments. 

Get very curious so you SEE what's really there ... what's behind it.

Accept what's there.  Just try it....it is what it is, em. It is what it is. Accept and breathe.  Let it be what it is.

Be super kind to yourself....tend to your feelings and self like you would a small child.

And keep breathing.

You'll be modeling these improved coping strategies for your children very soon, likely.  How to hold space around their mother's disordered behaviors without getting sucked into her emotional vortex..... it's a skill to resist reacting to the stbx.  How to observe without reactivity.

To KNOW and trust things get better..to restore access to choice. 

To forgive yourself when you miss and react, choosing curiosity instead of judgment.

I repeat the things I had to hear over and over to understand more fully and begin understanding and effecting beneficial change.

I want details of the beautiful meals you enjoy, em! 

[escapingman]

Thank you hhaw. I hope you are right about the 60 days as that is about how long it is since I told her we are getting a divorce and actively turned her down. I have noticed O am giving her less and less thoughts. I have been doing MC and GR, mostly successfully but I have had a few slip ups, I suppose that is to be expected when the pressure is relentless.  I do notice I am feeling much better when away from her side not responding to her messages.

I have realised, since I stopped engaging, her mood is still shifting and it has nothing to do with me. I always wondered what did I do this time, but it's all internal in her. Sure I can probably set her off, but she was always gonna set herself off anyway.

I am still tired, but not as flat out tired as I was before leaving home. I am not looking forward to go back and to celebrate Christmas.  I have to do it for the children as I cannot afford her to play the "daddy ruined Christmas" card. I rather her ruins it and then go full steam ahead with my plans in the new year. My biggest question right now is what to do about presents, do I give her a few to keep the peace, or don't I and risk her crying all day? Suppose I have to give her something, but she will take it as all is good and throw her at me. This is killing me.

[JustKeepTrying]

escapingman,

hhaw has posted such incredible descriptive reasons/means to leave.  I just copied it and will print it off for continued and further reflection.  I recommend you do the same.

As for returning for Christmas and presents, since you appear to plan to stay for the holiday, get her a present.  But move through the next few days in complete detachment.  I stayed a week after I made a decision to leave - I had to copy papers and documents for the attorney that I did in the middle of the night - I felt like a robot.  It was almost an out-of-body experience where I completely detached from myself and just woodenly went through all my interactions with my xOCPDh.  I could first time really see him for the undeveloped emotionally stunted control fanatic he is.  It only hardened my resolve.

Here is a thought - get an Airbnb for the week or so after Christmas (a base for the future where you can plan out the next moves).  A home not a hotel room and after the holiday move in with or without the kids.  If you have a home to go to it will be an easier transition for them.  And look good in the courts. 

I don't know if you have said this - but have you consulted an attorney?  Do you know your rights?  I know you said you have recordings but here in my state/country I was told it really didn't matter.  The laws were clear and it was all a 50/50 split.  No emotion no arguing.  Anything brought in during the marriage was split 50/50.  Since I married at 21, I had nothing.  Now, I could have argued harder for certain things and I do suspect he hid money from me - but at some point, I had to stop fighting for my mental health.  I suspect you will need to do that as well. 

As for empaths and being selfish - I use this analogy.  On the airplane when the oxygen masks drop, you put them on yourself before you put them on your kids.  That's the same here - you need to help yourself/protect yourself/nourish yourself before you can help your kids.  Like hhaw said, your brain has been hijacked and it will take a long time before you normalize - like a long time - so be kind to yourself and just get out so you can start to heal.

Finally, I thought about you yesterday and all your posts.  I was driving a long stretch of lonely highway in the dark and rain.  The music was on and my thoughts started to ramble as I passed an exit that provoked a positive memory of a vacation with my x.  Then I started to miss him and miss all the positives that we did have over the past 30+ years.  And we did have some good times.  I had this brief fantasy float in that I would reconcile with him and see his family over the holidays and all would go back to normal.  I had to wrench myself out of that dream - and that is all it was - to the reality of the cycle and what really happens with him over the holidays and the physical, emotional and financial abuse.  I thought if I can have this drifty dream after being away for more than two years - and loving most of every minute of my new life - then that is how difficult it is and was to leave.    The lesson here - I need to be kinder to myself.  Like hhaw says, we empaths have been hijacked and it takes time, patience, and practice in self-compassion to heal.

Peace and hope to you and your family escapingman. 

[escapingman]

JustKeepTrying, thank you for you reply.

I have a solicitor, she is trying to push me to file. I know I need to. Only issue is she think I should stay in the house for legal reasons, I don't think I can do that. I am going to have another chat about my position if I leave. My plan, in my head, is to in some way manage Christmas, then file and move out in January. I won't go for an airbnb, but thanks for the suggestion. I think I can get a rental flat reasonable fast, if I have to stay in a hotel for a short term so be it. Could even sort it all out and then go away to visit family before going back straight into the new home.  But, if things go ugly over Christmas, I suppose I must be prepared to call the police and run it from there.

Right now I am feeling quite good, I have been away for a few days and just been on my own. Watched sport, had meals and a few beers. A life miles from what it is with stbx. I have noticed how I can do the exact same trip with stbx as without and it all feels different. It feels like a different world when she is with me. Scary.

[escapingman]

Splitting.

The freakiest behaviour.

She treated me like I was a nothing for years, no issue with degrading me and to get the kids in on the act. She told me she could not wait to see me dead, everything I did was wrong and ridiculed. I tell her I want a divorce, and BAAAM, I can't do anything wrong. I ignore her, she tell me how much she loves me. I go away for a few days, she tells me how much she has missed me. I but a new pair of shoes and it's the best pair of shoes she has ever seen. If it wasn't for this forum, all books, you tubes and everything else I might have fallen for it. But I keep pushing back, MC and GR with the occasional slip up (I am only human and sometime I do want to talk to someone), and the more I ignore her the more she pushes. Is it any chance she could have changed? I doubt it, I really doubt it. But the kids are really happy now with all fighting stopped, I can see SG really smile and open up, GC is talking to me and interact, no one is gas lighting her against me (at the moment). How long can she keep this going? Long enough for me to heal and be able to walk with no remorse, or only another couple of hours? My mind is clear, unless something miraculous happens, and with that I am talking about a brain surgeons turning up and say they found the missing wire, I am off. But for the kids sake, the longer I can manage this and for us all to get along without tearing each other apart, the better. It's only 3 months left until the no fault divorce is supposed to be implemented, can I manage until then? Then it doesn't matter if she agrees or not, and with no blame in the divorce maybe it will be a bit easier.  BUT, I don't think for a minute she can stay like this for 3 months, if I could bet money on I would bet she will loose the plot on Christmas day or before.

Thank you all for you support, JustKeepTrying, I am touched you say you were thinking of me. Thanks.