Becoming less social

[Ladymm]

Hello all,

lately because during the epidemics I found out the power of solitude and also because I started to feel unpleasant around certain people I used to hang out with non stop in the past, I don't like to be no more the person who is without a home and hanging around and want instead to spend time being alone or with my husband just doing whatever I want . Some people press on me though to meet more often and say maybe a bit  passive-aggressive comments like ah and why are you so busy when I don't want to meet, or they say ah now you don't work you have time we can meet. I tell them usually like write me and we will see, but really I feel some pressure which I don't like. How do I put my boundaries? I dont know if its just me being vulnerable or that really the people I used to hang out with see me a bit as someone who doesn't have a life and is obligated to meet them. I feel some people also have the children excuse like ah what you even do you don't have children..I mean also indirectly..or will you hang out and go for walks with me when I give birth.

Also I have a hard time understanding why people are like this. Me if someone doesnt want to hang out its ok for me. If they just disappear also I will accept it and if they reappear after 3 years I will ignore them because ok this is a clear sign of no interest in a friendship.

Surely boundaries is something I am struggling with, and have a hard time even grasping the concept of them.  Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Ladymm,

Im sorry you are experiencing this with friends.  Boundaries are pre-defined actions and reactions that we do to protect ourselves.  Boundaries are not the attempt to control the actions and reactions of others.  Imo, you have already defined your boundary, which you wrote: 

"....want instead to spend time being alone or with my husband just doing whatever I want". 

That is your pre-defined boundary.  In the toolbox tab (top of page), you can read about no-JADEing and also Medium-Chill.  Those two are great accessories to utilize with boundaries.  In your above situation, you may look back and see you are JADEing with your friends, when you J=justify, A=argue, D=defend and E=explain your choices for yourself to spend more time alone. 

Instead, going forward, you may desire to MC= Medium-Chill your responses to avoid JADEing, which causes continued/circular conversations which can lead your friends to make hurtful comments.  I suggest you predetermine some 'neutral' reactive comments that end the friends questions.  In your writing, you stated they react with:   ".....why are you so busy" or "now you don't work you have time we can meet" or "what do you do, you don't have children."

A neutral response to these passive-aggressive comments can be something that conveys;  "thank you for your desire to meet with me" and "im sorry you dont understand my desires for myself" and not justify, argue, defend, explain your desires. 

Lastly, i am an introvert and have recently discovered the unique differences between introversion and extroversion.  Most extroverts do not understand introvert desires and actually marginalize introverts as if they have something wrong about them.  In recent years, diving deep into introversion, i now make decisions that cater to my natural introversion and say no to many things that in the past, caused me anxiety and mental exhaustion.   If you have not taken the time to study the 16 Myers-Briggs type indicators, you may enjoy the deep dive in better understanding yourself and making choices accordingly.  There is a great website in which i recommend at truity.com where you can begin by answering a short study of questions and explore the 16 MBTI types.  I am an 'INTJ' and now cater my decisions to my type, why has been a real joy.  You may be an extrovert or introvert and both are equally excellent types, but when one type attempts to force the other type into the opposite type-traits, it usually does not work well for either person. 

I wish you the very best in your future quiet time. 

SoT

[treesgrowslowly]

Two words came to kind as I read your post.

Guilt and projection.  I would bet money that you are dealing with people who are projecting their feelings onto you and they want you to feel guilty for your new desires and your lifestyle wishes.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a quiet life with solitude and alone time. But we are not in a culture where that is the norm. People are told to want action and to be busy busy, busy. A lot of people keep busy and these people have never impressed me when I talk about outgrowing my own need to be busy -  like I was in the past.

It's none of their business if you have children or not.

Trees

[Jolie40]

I remember someone once said "no" is a complete answer

we don't have to give excuses or explanations

if you don't want to go out, that's fine
a true friend wouldn't keep pushing you

by "pushing you", it shows they have a problem, not you

[DistanceNotDefense]

I'm late to this thread I know, but was drawn to it because of its title, and how I relate to it - feeling less social lately. And feeling guilty about it. (Which is my experience right now too).

I know the pressure you're talking about Ladymm....I've been saying "no" to a lot more gatherings with certain people lately. It's often interpreted, by others, as "Oh that's a judgement on them. They're fine people, what's your deal." Or I've gotten similar passive-aggressive quips like you describe, designed to pressure me into a closer relationship because that's what people should do in response to that type of behavior for some reason.

But I retort: isn't my valuing of my time being judged by everyone else then, too? Who does it hurt? Isn't that controlling me? I also just don't see how those quips help encourage me in any way to want to continue being close with such people, or to be generous of my time with them.

There are better ways to encourage or communicate this besides being critical, like "hey, how are you? I like being in your presence." It strikes me as being entitled to my time without any effort when people go about it the way they've gone about it with you and I.

I attend a committee every few months and then stopped attending some meetings. Because the head of the board would sometimes waste the meeting with taking the podium and making the meeting into a spotlight on their personal life and crazy ideas, after requesting we do "homework" to prep for the meeting (but then the work would be sidelined in favor of the heads' navel-gazing of the hour).

I would waste time preparing for the committee. So I stopped attending a few. I noticed others did too sometimes so thought it was acceptable. One member though pointed out that it was annoying I skipped meetings. I said, why are you pointing me out specifically, and not others. Other people are skipping and probably for the same reasons, and my time gets wasted, and I have so much else to do. This got them to be quiet.

It's because this person senses my generosity and thinks a little pushing could get me to cave. Because I've caved in life many times before.

Life is short. Time is precious. I want to use it well, after the first several decades of my life were used up pleasing people who didn't want to show up for me. I no longer wish to gamble my time showing up for others who I know won't show up for me in the same way - or who don't value my time, only what I can accomplish for them.

I feel similarly drained, like you, by most of the people I know IRL. I, too, would rather spend time at home with just partner and hobbies. I increasingly ignore, delay, or give brief responses to friends/people I'm getting to know that I notice are only looking me up to get me to do something for them.

I'm still working through the guilt that this is what I want. I still would love a connection with a good friend that shows up for me, but I'm accepting those types of people are few and far between.

SonOfThunder: by the way, I found out recently I'm typed as INTJ. So I very much relate. Learning to accept this is who I'm meant to be has brought me a lot of freedom and self-acceptance: I really feel like I can best connect with others over hobbies or interests, anything surface strangely drains me. I struggle with too much social connection and busy-ness, and that is OK.