Planning to go LC or NC with father and sister

[WJC]

Hello everybody,

I have read through this forum off and on for the past few years but I finally joined. I am about to make a big change and I know I will need some support and guidance in the next few weeks and months.

I grew up in a family with a uNPD and uBPD father and enabling mother. My younger sister is the GC and I am the SG. I always sensed growing up that things were not fair in my family, but I attributed it to my sister being closer to my father (while I was closer to my mother). As I got into my mid-20s, the craziness really escalated (or became more noticable). I was asked to do all sorts of things for my sister and of course I was not allowed to say no. I even had to pack up her apartment when she moved out suddenly and relocated out of state because of "stress." She was the perfect princess who was pampered and was never expected to lift a finger or take responsibility for anything.

In my mid-30s I got sucked into taking care of my mom who had Parkinsons Disease. I enabled my Dad's unwillingness to bear full responsibility for her care. All I got in return was that I was selfish and never did anything for anyone and I never helped mom ... Oh, and by the way, monthly expenses were $2400 and so I was a deadbeat because I never paid my fair share of $800 a month.

The mistake I made was thinking that if I just explained things better, my dad would see the truth. My dad would randomly tell me different amounts I owed him for college (even though I paid my way through school and of course my dad paid for my sister's college). My sister told all her friends that I kicked her out in the street when she had walking pneumonia (a completely fabricated story). I could not comprehend people being so out of touch with reality. Looking back, if I had understood the splitting and the GC and SC, I would have run for the hills. Sadly I kept trying to get my dad's approval and love and understanding and I never realized he was incapable of being a loving father to me.

I could tell so many stories of the vindictiveness and the empty promises and the gaslighting. My dad was kind of quiet and socially awkward and didn't seem to have a mean bone in his body. I thought he was a good father and I just could not fathom his cruelty and spite (deleting my computer files on purpose, for example). I know you all understand and do not need a whole bunch of stories to get the gist.

I have still tried to support my dad and be there for him (more strategically now that I understand the dynamics) as he has increasing health problems and is considering assisted living. Earlier this year my sister wanted to go to court to force him into assisted living. True to form, I am the one trying to be supportive while my sister just wants to get rid of him so he is not her problem (not that she ever did anything or ever would do anything to help him).

None of this is ever acknowledged by my dad. The distortion is still mind-boggling. For the last couple of years he has often told me how worried he is about my sister and her husband not having enough money. My sister and her husband both have great incomes and they also received a large inheritance from the husband's grandfather. His parents have tons of money as well. My dad has always been eerily obsessed and preoccupied with my sister, but this concern about money is a new twist.

Fast forward to last weekend. I found out he traded in his big expensive camper van (which he never used) for a $75,000 car for my sister. He says my sister is hard on her cars with her fast driving and he wants her to have a good car (for the grandkids). Back in October he told me he was going to do this but I had no idea he was going to buy such an expensive car. He also had said at that time that he would send me a check in 2 or 3 weeks for "some" of the money. Last weekend he mentioned the check again but there was no date and no amount specified and I realized it was just another hook to manipulate and control. My husband got upset at his craziness and his rationalization for why he had to buy such an expensive car. (He is still worried they are having financial problems, so why did he buy them a $75K car?) My dad got upset and said he could not give us anything right now because he might buy another house. My dad is a really miserable person and he is always talking about moving to a new house. It is his sad attempt at finding peace and happiness. (This is what drove him to blow a wad of cash on a camper van he never used.)

Based on the reading and research I have done the last few years, I have already realized that I will probably not see any of my inheritance. I knew I had to prepare for a potential betrayal. Now I just have an additional betrayal! One of our cars has 280K miles on it but I guess my sister needs a designer car so she can go 80 miles an hour "safely." Her Audi was burning oil because she was hard on it so of course she needs a new flashy car. What do you do with people like this?

I decided it was time to get off the crazy train. I am going to write him a letter and I am either going to do a timeout with a gradual move into VLC, or I am just going to pull the plug and go NC. I am also planning to write a letter to my sister and I am sure he will be upset that I offended his precious little princess but what's the worst that can happen? My sister is also uBPD and uNPD but her cruelty is more blatant and obvious. I was always planning to write her a letter after my dad was dead but I think the time is now.

Anyway, that is my story about what led me to join the forums. Sorry for the long intro!

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group- i'm sorry your family history has lead you to this point but also at the same time glad you are reaching out and working on making your own peace with your history-

my family situation is complicated.  i am my parents only child but they each had other kids with other people and married other people with kids.  both my parents have addiction issues and PD runs strong in my mothers' family line.  somehow in all that chaos i was the one who was left behind, ignored and scapegoated.  i can relate so much to what you described about your sister and her getting the best whilst meanwhile you got crumbs if anything at all.

you're not alone and as we move closer to the holidays we're here for you if you need us!