Supporting SO

[wanderer]

Hi everyone,
It is so wonderful to see such a supportive community here. I've very much appreciated being able to read so many of your stories and the advice being offered. I even read some of the stories to my SO, who is 3 years out of an 18-year marriage to a uNPD. His ex was all over the map: temper tantrums, alienation, bullying, chastising, manipulation of all kinds, love-bombing, sabotage, you all know the drill. My SO is going through a rough patch. Christmas is tough, and his son (14) is not spending any extra time with him (us), though it's clear he's very happy here. His mother has threatened suicide in the past, and it's quite possible that's still the underlying threat (how does a child ever get over that?). SO is not taking it personally, but he's broken-hearted, and is under the impression he should be "over it" by now. I of course tell him this is NOT something that you just "get over", that he should allow himself space and time to heal, and that the process is different for everyone, and there's no "should".  He has a T, but there's something to be said for hearing encouragement from those who have been through the wars. If you have any words of advice or encouragement, I'm sure he'd appreciate them.
Thank you for your support

[Penny Lane]

Hi wanderer and welcome!

You are a very good partner and you are asking the right questions!

It's very hard to heal when you're in the thick of coparenting. It's very hard to heal from this anyway! And having to subject yourself to the abuse over and over again makes it that much harder and longer.

It might help him to peruse the toolbox at the top of the page. That has some good tips for moving forward.

I promise, things do get better and better!

[wanderer]

Thanks Penny! 
There are some great resources there for sure. SO and his ex are NC, which is fantastic, and I think part of the reason he feels he should be over it.
Any and all other words of wisdom appreciated!

[athene1399]

It is difficult when it is an ongoing thing. I would move back and forth between acceptance, like recognizing that "it is what it is", and being upset over the situation. It is very natural to go from one extreme to the other and does not mean that you are doing acceptance "wrong". And acceptance does not mean that you are okay with the situation; it just means that your are choosing to not fight against a reality that you cannot change. That being said, this is a difficult time of year. Sometimes just validating that can be helpful.

[wanderer]

Thanks, Athene.
Yep, it'd be one thing if there was really no contact, not even through kids, but knowing always that the alienation is happening I guess kind of keeps reopening the wounds.
I like what you say about "acceptance" - choosing not to fight against a thing you can't change. Reminds me of a quote from Tuvok (errr, a Vulcan on Star Trek, for those of you who aren't nerds ) "Do not mistake composure for ease".