Separate Bedrooms

[SonofThunder]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, sharing your experiences and for your advice. What you have said is valuable to me.

Two days ago my H came to me with a list of-----not quite sure how to describe it------thoughts about our relationship. I gave very little verbal response to what he said. I have read that if AVPD fears they are losing their significant person, they fear abandonment and will try to get the person back. I believe that is what that list was about. I keep reminding myself of that. One of the things he said is a hook for hope for me. I need to stay away from that worm, that hook.

Worthy of Care,

So glad you understand what you are experiencing from your PD and now staying one-step ahead in your planning and having the toolbox on the ready at all times.  Congratulations to you!   

Also, Merry Christmas to you, if you are one that celebrates the season.   

SoT

[1footouttadefog]

I can appreciate his saying he does not express his feelings as much as you need.

I had a very close male friend who was like that.  But only verbally.  His actions on the other hand said what he could not verbalize. 

Holding a door open, standing in the rain holding a large umbrella over me when I was trouble shooting the phone box to restore internet when his wife had business deadlines online. Making me a just right cup of coffee when I was delayed getting down to the church coffee hour.

I guess I am saying I could give a pass on someone not being verbal, but another "love language" should be there if that is the case. 

With my pdh, over time I was parentified.  As this parentification took place his angst toward his parent or parents was also transfered.

I was left with someone who childishly feels entitled to being taken care of, entertained, etc with no responsibilities toward me. 
I think it's pretty common for it timacy to cease once oarentificatiin has taken place as it seems wrong to both parties.   

[Wish Camp]

This is an interesting topic. My unpd husband absolutely hates the separate bed stuff because he's afraid someone might find out. We usually sleep separately after a major blowout. Then, he does his poor me routine and I cave and go back. But as of yesterday, I plan to just keep sleeping separately.

He expressed his disappointment in my Xmas gift choices. Fairly certain he was looking for supply. I was stupid and feeling vulnerable because Xmas is a hard time for me. I lost it, went crazy.

I feel safer in a bed alone. And, I get better rest.

I crack up about people finding out. They already know we are hanging on by a thread.

[1footouttadefog]

One thing that is comical is that so many of men will as often reported hang out all me in a room watching porn or playing video games alone but then expect their wife to sleep in the same room.  Others sleep in the same room then get up and skulk away to an office etc to be alone. 

It's not like they actually want company or intimacy, they are keeping up a pretense for an audience that is not there.  It's a picture of how so many of people put so much energy into keeping up the staged role play.

[Wish Camp]

It's not like they actually want company or intimacy, they are keeping up a pretense for an audience that is not there.  It's a picture of how so many of people put so much energy into keeping up the staged role play.

1foot, this is exactly it!!! Staged role play. When we go out and about and especially when we are with people he deems important, the acting is turned WAY UP. I don't get it.

[Worthy of Care]

Another long conversation with my H. I feel good that I was able to (mostly) calmly and without judgement, call him out on some issues. He after some time was more honest (with himself and me). I don't know that those realizations will stick-----usually they don't, but at least the truth was said.

He brought up divorce a few times. He tried to put it on me, "Would it give you relief if we divorced?" I did not step into that.

He did agree to separate bedrooms. I will have the smaller bedroom, which makes me a bit angry since he only sleeps in the room and I spend a lot of time in the room. I bought myself a new quilt!

The change won't happened immediately, because the bedroom is full of Christmas boxes. I am slowly packing Christmas.

[1footouttadefog]

Don't underestimate what just sleeping well can do for you.  Of you have to pile the boxes high and make room in one side of the bed and sleep well. 

Having some space to sit quietly and read or pray or meditate, or to clear your head while making appointments in a calendar and making a to do list can be huge. 

Just a bit of advice don't give up the storage space you are using in the shared bedroom. 

[Worthy of Care]

Just a bit of advice don't give up the storage space you are using in the shared bedroom.

Appreciate that. I'm thinking about what I want/need in my room and what can stay in bedroom that is currently shared.

[desertpine]

  Yeah you! I'm happy for you and hope you can have fun setting up the room the way that you want it to be. That's just so cool - way to go!

[Worthy of Care]

I've been sleeping in my "new" room for a few nights now. I am slowly moving my things into the room. There are a lot of items that I will just leave in the other bedroom and bathroom.

I'm finding this transition to be highly distressful to me. Some of that is the sadness over the state of our marriage. Some distress is my own trauma and what leaving the bedroom that was my safe place to another bedroom does inside of me.

H has been reaching out to me in some ways. I am guarded.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I think your statement that you are upset about the state of your marriage, might really speak to your sadness.

When  I  made the transition to separate bedrooms, our marriage was over and I was totally Out of the FOG.  So, it was a relief and it's my safe space.  I just got rid of the king size bed and that felt wonderful.  Now, I even make the bed every morning - I never did that 

Give it some time, to me, you are grieving.   I hope in awhile this may actually give you space so you have more energy to have a balanced life and enjoy aspects of your marriage.

[Worthy of Care]

Thank you PFNW. Yes, I am grieving. I do hope that with realistic expectations and good boundaries I will, in time, be able to enjoy parts of my marriage.

[Cascade]

I hope you adjust to the separate bedrooms and that the sadness you are feeling will lessen with time. Last night my husband put on strong aftershave before coming to bed, even though he should have known it would bother me.  It took me hours to get to sleep last night because of it and he thinks it's funny. Be thankful for the option to have separate bedrooms.

[Worthy of Care]

Cascade, I'm sorry that your H did that and then thought it was funny. To know that something bothers someone and then think that it is funny is troubling.

I appreciate your reminder to be thankful for the option of separate rooms. I've been so overwhelmed by the pain and stress of it all. I can breathe enough now to be grateful that I have a room that can become my safe space.

[1footouttadefog]

For me it was part survival so the emotions were numbed by that.  There was still a bunch of mixed feelings also.

For me I think it was an aknowledgemwment of the fact I was not living as or being treated as a wife so why not at least sleep well.

[Worthy of Care]

1 footouttadefog,

Yes, me too. My therapist worded it well for me. He (H) doesn't attach, so a separate room is congruent with the truth of that.

[Lauren17]

You've done a brave thing and made a positive step toward improving your emotional heath.

Go, you!

[Worthy of Care]

Thank you, Lauren. I appreciate your encouragement.

H is "trying." I do not want to be mean or cold, but I am trying to protect myself.

[square]

I have found a level of MC that is warm but still a bit distant inside where I can receive efforts.

In my head I think things like "well this is nice that he offered" but not necessarily expect he will follow through, "this was a pleasant conversation" without expecting the next one to be so, "he seems to be in a good mood today" knowing tomorrow may be different.

[Worthy of Care]

Square, thank you for sharing that. That helps me a lot.