so predictable, yet still so disappointing

[eyesopen]

I knew this was coming. I told myself over and over, "whenever she's nice, it's only because she needs something." I know this to be a fact.

My exw (whom I share a daughter with 50/50) was breaking up with her toxic boyfriend/fiance. Not my problem. But then as an act of revenge against her, he reported her to Child Protective Services saying she provided his teenage daughters with drugs/alcohol. (He's their custodial parent, so I'm not sure what reporting that his own kids were abused/neglected was going to do.) Anyway, as a result, CPS had to come interview me and my daughter. That's what made it my problem, bringing my daughter into their mess. BTW, the CPS caseworker commented that she has no concerns with my parenting and that my home life is something she never sees, a huge contrast from her typical work.

Exw needed somewhere to put her stuff for a week or two until she could get a place of her own. She was being extra nice, reflecting on past mistakes and behaviors, was apologizing for things. I have a huge garage that's mostly empty, so I let her use it as a short-term storage space. It's what I would have done for a friend. Had DD not been dragged into the CPS mess, I may have declined, but I knew it was best for DD to get out of that household as quickly as possible.

On the day my garage was being emptied, exw continued to be civil with me. In a conversation I called her out for getting mean and having a condescending tone. She didn't explode and start attacking me, which was a huge surprise. That's never happened in the 20+ years I've know her. Even more surprising, she texted later that day to apologize and took responsibility for her attitude as having everything to do with being mad at her exbf and nothing to do with me. Wow, I've never experienced that from her before. Could this be the beginning of a new normal with her?

Nah. The next day she texted me saying she had been crying because DD wants to watch TV but can't because exw doesn't know how to mount her TV on the wall. I was encouraging, telling her it would all be okay and this is a great opportunity to learn something new. Between YouTube and Home Depot she could have it mounted and feel great that she'll never need a man for that again. That wasn't what she was looking for. Though not admitting it, she clearly wanted me to come do it for her and since I didn't fall for her manipulation, she turned on me and started saying nasty stuff. She even bragged that she already has two other guys that volunteered to do it for her because guys like her so much.

I knew this was coming. I knew she wouldn't learn or grow and would choose what she's always done, to manipulate men into doing what she wants. Instead of getting internal validation and satisfaction from acquiring and achieving something new, she'll continue to require external validation so she can avoid acknowledging how empty she feels inside.

Until DD is grown and exw is out of my life, I'm sure this cycle will repeat. Maybe next time I'll be wise enough to keep myself from getting wrapped up in it. Or maybe I'll continue to do the kind thing (while protecting myself from abuse or harm) and choose to live in love, joy, and peace regardless of the chaos others try to bring into my life. If one thing changes about me whenever this happens again, I hope it's that I stop hoping for people to change and just accept them as they are.

[square]

Well handled. All of it.

[hhaw]

It's funny you posted this today eo.  I've been grappling with past unrealistic expectations of the PDs in my life and how I failed to honor myself and my instincts over other people's opinions. 

Acceptance leads to more choice.

Choices can lead to creating a life filled with peace, joy and gratitude, despite the crisis of the week (COWs) and there will always be COWs.

If we learn to go back to the joy, after doing what we can about the COW then put it on the shelf.....instead of worrying, worrying, worrying about the COW....we cultivate a beautiful reality, ime.

Your dd8 is lucky you're mindful of these choices while she's still so young.

[eyesopen]

Acceptance leads to more choice.

This line stood out to me. It stood out because it's true even though it doesn't initially appear to be true.

It is easy to get caught up in our plans, desires, goals, and hopes. It's what we've all been told to do so many times in so many ways. We're told or it's implied that we're supposed to have plans and goals for ourselves. We're supposed to desire a particular outcome. When we make something a goal, we can take steps toward achieving it. We're led to believe that we're in control of our own future and that we can be or do whatever we want.

I'm not going to dispute the truth of that --that we're in control of our own future-- but I know I'm guilty of taking that concept too far. I'm responsible for my own thoughts and actions, but that's the extent of my control. When achieving a goal of mine requires someone else's action, I need to accept whatever happens. It's easy to lose sight of that and in the interest of achieving my desired outcome, think that my sphere of influence extends beyond myself.

If I expect something of someone else, it's possible they won't meet those expectations and then I'll be disappointed or my goal won't be achieved. If I dwell on that, I will be without choice. I'll be stuck with a goal that's not achievable and then blame myself or the other person.

But if I accept everything that's not under my control and accept the limits of my control, then I avoid disappointment (or I'll at least be less disappointed) if my goal isn't achieved. I won't be stuck because instead of looking at expectations that weren't met, I'll look at what I can do. I will have choices. Sometimes that choice will be abandoning or changing my initial goal. Without acceptance, that would be very difficult to do. But with acceptance, the entire universe of possibilities and choices still exist.

All of this is far easier to type here than it is to implement in life. Understanding it is different than doing it. I'm doing what I can.

[hhaw]

Acceptance leads to more choice.

This line stood out to me. It stood out because it's true even though it doesn't initially appear to be true.

All of this is far easier to type here than it is to implement in life. Understanding it is different than doing it. I'm doing what I can.

EWO:

I notice anxiety in my life is usually created by resistance I have around accepting something I can't change.

It gets easier. 

Sometimes practice leads to amazing epiphanies I found while feeling lost, but still practicing.... with no idea how things might and can shift....will shift again.

I believe.