when do I just disengage

[wesorya]

My older 2 kids, 12 & 14, haven't seen their uPDF for nearly a year.
The last arranged access visit he didn't see them because he was running over half an hour late, for no reason, and wanted me to wait for him with 3 kids in car at dinner time. I said he could pick them up from my home (an extra 10 mins drive). He refused.
We attempted mediation, mediator pulled the pin on it (I don't know for sure, but I believe she could see how demanding, arrogant, and self-centred the ex was being, and was aware that the kids both have additional needs which ex had been unwilling to discuss).

He's threatened court at least 3 times over past year, I've said ok, sure. Then there's been nothing. Then I get a last minute(less than 12 hours notice) demand that he take the kids out for a birthday dinner, or most recently, for pre=Christmas dinner - so that he can give them their birthday presents from 4 months ago.
This is the same person who was meant to have the kids last Christmas, but early December informed me via text that he would be interstate with his girlfriend and her kids, and so wouldn't be able to see them. I ended up having to tell the kids myself as it was right after a visit and they were asking me about arrangements for Christmas.
He's been sending the kids an email every month or two saying hi, and also recently to tell them that he really wanted to see them and give them their presents but that I won't let him.

I offered to meet him at the park for a short visit to drop the presents etc before Christmas, he refused, because he wanted a longer period of time alone with them.

I've talked to the kids about it an they are seriously disappointed, confused and upset, but understand that their Dad did have the opportunity to see them, and give them their presents, and didn't take it, and they know that we also have a postal service.

Now the uPDex has sent me an email with a parenting agreement that there is no way I will agree to, and I don't want to negotiate with him as he gaslights, manipulates, and is basically impossible as I'm sure you all understand. 

I'm thinking I just reply to the email that I will negotiate it with his lawyer (who he has said is going to contact me in the new year....I have serious doubts about whether that will actually happen though.....I'm concerned he feels he got very close to getting his own way, and so will just continue to push buttons with me and the kids).

I just need to keep talking to the kids right? At what point would you consider blocking off contact from him to both me and the kids altogether?
There are no court orders in place. He is so utterly unreliable and the kids have been let down so many times already, I just wish he would get his lawyer to draft up some proper parenting orders.

[Latchkey]

Hi wesorya,
I'm sorry to hear about this. I read in a previous post of yours that you have had a Restraining Order on your Ex for you and your children. Is that still in force?

I'm definitely urging caution and following your gut in giving in to any of his last minute demands to see the kids, especially alone. Have you read "Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker?

Someone once said that the divorced PD Parents that cause a lot of anguish for their families tend to fall into two categories the snake or the bulldog. The bulldogs are the ones that fight fight fight all the time. The snakes are the ones that slither away.

My ex BPD/ASPDH 1 who is Dad to my daughers now in their early twenties was basically became the snake type once I was able to get a GAL and DCFS involved when he physically abused my younger daughter during visitation. Before that happened they had had a very chaotic Christmas holiday visit with their Dad and this incident took place around mid January MLK day. It's been 12-13 years since they've seen him and now they have VLC through FB messenger but they don't know where he lives and they keep him updated but don't want to see him. I won't say it wouldn't have happened without an attorney and a lot of luck and preparation.
I too struggled with Christmas. I remember getting a PO box and he not sending anything. He "tried" to see the kids and would make burst attempts  (texts here and there, showed up one time at the door)  but I just said No or didn't let him in and he pretty much was too scared and didn't want to deal with it.

All this to say, you may not be able to legally disengage but having a good attorney and a plan in place if needed is the best thing you can do when you need to call his bluff.

It sounds like you are doing the right things and keep us posted on how things go.

Latchkey

[wesorya]

Hi Latchkey
Thanks for your reply and happy holidays 
I'm so sorry to hear you and your kids have had those experiences. I really feel for your kids having such a disengaged father in addition to abuse 

I started reading the Gift of Fear and got about two chapters in but felt like it was talking about big T trauma rather than little t, and that it perhaps wasn't relevant to me. It seemed to be focused on the risk of physical violence in what I read - does it go more into little t trauma further in?

My NPDex-husband there is still a restraining order against - lets call him uPDex2. He's the father of my youngest child and there are family court orders for him to have agency supervised with him once a fortnight. Mostly snake there though. 
uPDex1 described in original post) is the father of my older 2 kids and we split up over 10 years ago, and there's no restraining order or family court orders. He would certainly have fit into the snake category except that his new partner has kept pushing him to get the access that he has the right to have - even though it's very clearly not something he wants or enjoys. It seems that it's just about reducing child support payments, as when visits were occurring, he would complain to me about the burden of caring for our kids, and the kids barely wanted to go there at all as they were left watching tv and supervising his partners kids while he went out, or taken to the shops to buy groceries while their dad waited in the car.

He would repeatedly turn up late to pick up or drop off, and when I upheld the boundary according to our parenting agreement and refused to wait, I got text messages claiming that I was just upset that he wasn't paying child support. Well, I was upset about that, but that's not the reason I was refusing to let the kids be treated as if they didn't matter! That was in February, I've waited since then for him to take any action to show that he wants to see them. He's been trying to emotionally blackmail the kids with their birthday presents for 4 months now. Telling them about the presents and how he wants to give them to them, but I won't let him.

The "burst" attempts sounds familiar. I have a lawyer who I can speak to if I really need to. I just have to work out how to manage the ongoing contact from him and engage as little as possible so that I'm not "feeding" him. I've only realised very recently that his behaviour fits into and ticks many of the boxes of PD. Thinking of him that way means I can start to think about how to MC him. Seeing some of the messages he's sent the kids over the past 6 months and how utterly self-centred they are has really cemented it.

I've told him what I'm willing to offer in terms of him seeing the kids at this point, and I think I maybe need to just accept my discomfort with not responding and attempting to clarify things when he sends further messages ignoring what I've said.

[Latchkey]

The "burst" attempts sounds familiar. I have a lawyer who I can speak to if I really need to. I just have to work out how to manage the ongoing contact from him and engage as little as possible so that I'm not "feeding" him. I've only realised very recently that his behaviour fits into and ticks many of the boxes of PD. Thinking of him that way means I can start to think about how to MC him. Seeing some of the messages he's sent the kids over the past 6 months and how utterly self-centred they are has really cemented it.

I've told him what I'm willing to offer in terms of him seeing the kids at this point, and I think I maybe need to just accept my discomfort with not responding and attempting to clarify things when he sends further messages ignoring what I've said.

I think you say it all in the last paragraph here. It's tough to hold your ground but it gets easier when you realize how good they can be at ignoring you. I had to learn how to wait, not respond, not try to clarify why I was doing things. I had to repeat things and rephrase but basically I just held my ground.

And it looks like I confused your PDH2 with PDH1 so glad you are not also dealing with fear of violence. Gift of Fear is more about trusting yourself and your fear than trauma. There is a ton of work on trauma that has been done in the years since Gift of Fear was written and today and the effect of trauma on your kids is something to factor in. When seeing/not seeing/waiting to find out what mood he is in etc with their Dad is causing little t trauma over and over that has an effect. Definitely continue to monitor emails and keep talking with your kids about things. Open ended questions help.
My daughters have not seen their Dad since 2009 and they were like 10 and 12 I think and they will still spill out stories here and there of things that happened while they were with him that I had no idea were going on. Sometimes it is a funny story but for years it was mostly me trying not to freak out that it had happened and just being so thankful that there were not seeing him.
I didn't want them to hate their Dad, just see him for what he was and understand him as best they can and I imagine one of these days they will see him on their terms in a safe way.

And YES, the new partner is likely driving all this. There could be child support/money issues and she thinks this will help her family with him will have more money this way. It could be she believes all the victim stories he has likely told her. Maybe they are looking to take things to another level and have more kids or get married or both and she wants to make sure he's as good a Dad as he says he is.....

My DD got a facebook call from her 8 yo half brother this year but his mother was the one pushing for the call. I have no idea what he has told his new family about why he doesn't see them. They live another country so it is all the more confusing. She didn't even know she had siblings until her Dad mentioned it in a message and sent her pics.

Anyway, I've rambled enough.. You seem to have a good direction and I think I'd say stay the course and try not to get too caught up in the chaos.