Communication

[WhiteWolf]

My undiagnosed NPD/BPD H has been solely focused on my lack of communication lately and that it's a dealbreaker for him and that it makes him not enjoy life with me. Before he had foot surgery it was past mistakes on my part he was focused on. Of course I don't communicate a lot because it's twisted/used against me/used to hurt me and or his reaction to it is really painful to me. As you all know, it's not possible to fully open up to someone like this and everything I say I run through a filter of what might make him angry and walk on eggshells basically. But now of course he's honed in on my not communicating and really ramping up the chaos/arguments. Perspectives? How to navigate? Lost in another swirl of heartache. All this while I'm dealing with everything in our daily lives since he can't walk currently, I don't feel well and just got through the holidays which is, as other parents know, exhausting. It's also so stressful for me because he says all these really shocking hurtful things around the kids which I really don't like.

[square]

Are you in a Gray Rock mode, or Medium Chill? What restrictions have you been applying to your communication?

[WhiteWolf]

@square - both but obviously I sometimes get drawn into his arguments unfortunately. Last night was a failure in my part. Thinking back I think I was doing a better job at medium chill than I thought-not sharing really any relevant info about me anymore. I think I made a mistake though and did share once-which is what caused this maelstrom because he realized how much I haven't been sharing and I think he feels a lack of control over me because of it. Hence the chaos. I can't believe that I forgot that I'm not in a normal relationship and can't share, just can't. And shouldn't. Ugh. Might have saved myself a lot of pain. After I originally posted last night he literally kept me awake all night with his ranting and shouting and all kinds of cursing -I'm used to his sleep deprivation tactics but he also kept up the kids-my 4yo son didn't go back to sleep until 7am.  I feel so burnt today and like I'm just wandering aimlessly around the house not doing anything. He says he's done but I'm terrified what that might look like for my relationship with my kids. They are all I have and care about.

[square]

He says he's done with what - the meltdown or the relationship?

What are you terrified it might look like to your kids?

I'm sorry you are in this situation, you are clearly in a lot of pain and also exhausted.

[WhiteWolf]

@square supposedly he is done with the relationship. Things have gotten much much worse since I posted. He has been really ramping up the pressure and tactics on me. I am so angry at everything and just can't take the slightest stressor.

He was ramping it up with our 8 yo DD and made her cry from his psychological mind games tonight. This is why I feel I'm so screwed and that I totally screwed my kids. If I leave it means he gets them half the time without me to protect them and can do much worse than he's already doing. I'm starting therapy on Monday and I hope it gives me some calm.

@user I DO appreciate your encouragement. Thank you!

[notrightinthehead]

Oh how I remember the sleep deprivation! That is serious abuse and I remember the feeling of helpless despair and finally numbness. How I wish I had recorded the rants then and gotten witnesses to the abuse. I could have taken my kids and fled to a womens' shelter, I could have spoken about it then, instead I felt ashamed and numb. My kids are grown up now and damaged by what they witnessed in their childhood.
You are doing the right thing by using the strategies from the toolbox and going to therapy. Please make a back-up plan and prepare for an emergency escape with kids. 

[Joga]

Hi WhiteWolf

I feel your heartache. I'm so sorry sister. My uPDh and I are in the process of separating and I feel so scared about the custody situation. He has a history of being emotionally abusive to the kids, especially to my oldest. He can get 50/50 where we live but I'm hoping he won't take it since he can't handle them for more than a few hours at a time.

Does your H do much childcare or leave it all to you? Do you think he will follow through on 50/50?

I've heard several stories on here of PD fathers fighting for 50/50 but then not taking their full time or returning kids early.

We can hope!

Also, I understand the feeling of having screwed things up for your children. I love mine dearly but I sometimes wish I could go back in time and make different choices so they wouldn't exist in this situation.