Disinheritence - Flip the Script

[I_Said_No]

Hi all,

I am new here. I have a NM. I went NC approx two years ago. This is my first NC with her. My sister is also NC but this is her third time.

I stumbled across the post about "What to Expect From Your NC Parent." Most of the posts were about inheritance and how it makes people feel.

My view on inheritance is this:

1. We inherited a NP. We have lived our inheritance our whole lives. What I will not do is pass along this inheritance to my daughter and husband.

2. After my NM passes, I expect a final peace. No amount of financial inheritance (granted or not) should interfere with this peace.

Knowing my NM as I do - I needed to assert my wishes in my will & HCPOA  in case I pass before my NM. I extended the NC into my legal will. FWIW - my father has already passed. They were already divorced. She abandoned him after he developed a brain tumor that erased his memory.

In my state the law says that parents are first in line after your stated decision-making designees should any of your designees be unable to fulfill their duties. In every instance in my will & HCPOA, I have three named designees to represent me (in a certain order). I also specifically state that in the event of my passing that my named biological mother SHALL have NO legal right to decision-making related to me or my affairs. That she SHALL have no access or role in my affairs after my passing. She SHALL not sit beside my bed in her fake grief. I deserve to die in peace as I deserve peace while living.

This is especially important in the guardianship of my daughter if the worst case scenario occurs and my husband and I both pass at the same time. I added specific language stating that under no circumstances SHALL my named biological mother be a candidate for guardianship or be consulted in this scenario.

I also specified that if my loved ones elect to memorialize me that my named biological mother may NOT attend. IMO a memorial is an event for the people who love you - not for the ones that do not love you. My loved ones deserve to grieve and/or memorialize me in peace. It is about them. The moment should not be the grand theatrical moment that my NM would make it.

This may all sound harsh to some. None of my actions are intended to inflict pain on my NM. It is important to me that I stand firm with NC even in death - because I intend to protect my loved ones from a toxic environment so that they can do whatever they need to do to "move on" with life without my NM in the mix. My loved ones deserve that.

I have forgiven my NM and have empathy for her. She is in a h*ll of her own making. She is beyond the point of seeking help which is her own decision.  My decision is that I will maintain a firm NC in life and death.

This approach may not be for everyone. It gives me comfort while I am living.  I thought I would offer my personal decisions in case someone may benefit from these ideas.

I_Said_No

[bloomie]

I_Said_No - Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG.

Such powerful and clear actions you have taken to protect yourself and your family or choice (FOC) from toxic interference and behaviors you can assuredly anticipate.

I especially appreciate this:

1. We inherited a NP. We have lived our inheritance our whole lives. What I will not do is pass along this inheritance to my daughter and husband.

2. After my NM passes, I expect a final peace. No amount of financial inheritance (granted or not) should interfere with this peace.

Your commitment to not pass the 'inheritance' of a disordered parent along to your FOC and your determination to continue to live your life in peace is beautiful and speaks of a great deal of healing and hard work in your life. Bravo!

Your post is so helpful to those who may still be emotionally and even financially tethered to a disordered parent. No good, no peace, stunted empowerment will come from that in my view, and I appreciate you sharing your process and the steps you have taken to essentially end the relationship with your mother and lock the gates to her entry in the event she outlives you.

I can imagine the road getting to this point. I am glad you have joined us and hope you find your time here of great support! Again, welcome.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi and welcome!

I've taken similar actions to yours. My own NC with my FOO became permanent when it was clear that my uNF had no qualms in putting my children at risk for a chance to hurt me, and nobody else in the family was going to protect them. So yes, they will not even get my children over my dead body.

As to inheritance... Hah! There would never have been any, financially. But yes, you are so right. I've been given the inheritance already. I've been to therapy for it.