My in-laws are here

[Sneezy]

As I posted in another thread, my uHMIL and enabling-FIL arrived on Christmas Eve.  The plan is to have them stay with us until we find a suitable assisted living facility.  MIL has rapidly progressing dementia, and was delusional for much of today.  FIL has Parkinson's and some cognitive decline.

I thought my DH's two brothers were on board with helping us.  BIL-1 lives out of town, but is currently staying with us.  He has been more help than I expected, although he is a rabid anti-vaxxer and has already told me that I will never be a grandmother because my children are vaccinated and the vaccine has made them infertile.  Seriously??? 

BIL-2 lives about 45 minutes away from us.  He has done nothing but criticize everything we try to do.  DH and I found a nice facility that has openings, but it is closer to us than to BIL-2.  BIL-2 wants his parents closer to him and has found another facility.  Ok, great, we are on board with that.  But BIL-2 just delegates to us.  He is not helping at all.  My DH has handled everything so far - paperwork, doctors, prescriptions, assessments, etc.  It's all falling on him and it's not fair. 

We asked BIL-2 and his wife if MIL and FIL could stay with them for two days later this month (assuming we haven't gotten them moved into a facility by then) because I have rented a cabin for DH's birthday and it's too late to cancel (obviously, I did this before I knew my in-laws were moving here). Their answer - "no, just leave mom and dad alone at your house, they'll be fine."  Are you kidding me?  MIL and FIL can't cook, do laundry, or even make a sandwich.  As I noted, MIL has days where she is completely delusional, such as today, when she insisted that we were taking her to be cremated and wanted to know what she should wear to her cremation.  We can't leave them alone!  I have to make several sweeps every day through my house to pick up used kleenex, used dental floss, other garbage, bloody bandaids, and who knows what else.  Both MIL and FIL are struggling with incontinence.  It is not pretty. We're willing to do it for a few weeks.  We need help though.  The latest response from BIL-2 was "stop texting." 

I am so angry I could scream.  But . . . I can't let my anger consume me.  I don't want MIL and FIL to feel bad.  They can't help what is happening to them now.  They could have made better decisions along the way, but here we are.  I need to maintain my grace and their dignity.  And yet I just want to scream and cry and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I am so, so disappointed in BIL-2 and his wife.  I know this will smooth over eventually, but our relationship with them will never be the same. 

[Sneezy]

One more rant and then I'm taking a glass of wine out to the porch.  DH is also handling the long-distance sale of his parents' house.  He is scheduling viewings, taking calls from realtors, and everything else that needs to be done.  BIL-2's wife is a realtor.  She made sure to tell us that we can't talk to any realtors without giving them her name, so she can get a referral fee.  But she has done absolutely nothing else to help.  Just wants her referral fee, but my DH can actually do all the work.  The sense of entitlement is enraging!

[Hilltop]

Sneezy you are an absolute saint.  I hope you enjoy your much deserved glass of wine.  I can't get over your BIL 2.  I would have laughed at BIL 1's comment about infertility with the vaccine, I mean it's so absurd it's just funny and at least he was a help but your BIL 2 sounds like a total a hole.

I would not be referring his wife as a realtor, if she has not done any work, too bad.  As for the cabin I would insist and tell them that they have to take the parents just for a weekend.  I would be tempted to pack a bag and just drop them off on the doorstep as you are leaving.  Is it possible to hire someone for the weekend, although this may be very expensive but could you take the finance for it out of the sale of the house.

Of course BIL 2 found a place closer to him.  The place wasn't better it was just more convenient for him to get to if he needed to.  I would get them into whichever place is available first so the burden is lifted off of you.

I can't believe how selfish your BIL 2 is. 

[Amadahy]

Sneezy,
I'm so sorry!  That sounds really stressful.  Is your DH the POA for his parents?  If so, scr*w what his brothers say.  Find the best alternative asap and move them in.  Sounds like you'll be criticized no matter what, so do what is best for you all. Best wishes getting BIL 1 out soonest and just don't even contact BIL 2 or his realtor wife.  I hope you will go on your scheduled trip, even if you have to hire help.  (((hugs)))
Love, Amadahy

[Sneezy]

Thanks Amadahy and Hilltop - My DH does have POA for his parents.  However, FIL prefers the facility that is closer to BIL-2.  It has memory care, which is where he thinks MIL may end up.  The facility we found near us only has assisted living.  So I completely understand why FIL wants to go there instead.  The downside is that they can't move into the facility close to BIL-2 for another few weeks.  So DH has suggested that BIL-2 take his turn having his parents at his house until then.  Supposedly, DH is driving his parents to BIL-2's house today - we'll see how that goes.  I don't want to get petty about it, but BIL-2 needs to take his turn.  If he had told us from day one that he wouldn't help, that would be one thing.  But he kept saying he would do anything he could to help.  Well, time to put his money where his mouth is.

[Cat of the Canals]

Yeah, it would be one thing if he said, "I can't handle this, sorry." To offer help and then try to back out is pretty crappy, as is seeming to want no responsibility in the planning but offering non-stop complaints about your efforts.

In the future, anytime BIL2 steps in and insists something must be done his way, tell him, "Of course, if that's what you'd prefer. Let me know when you've taken care of it." 

[daughter]

Sometimes you need to outsource to find solution, then send bill, or simply force issue, to say "by xyz date they're either in facility A or facility B, and we've initiated paperwork for A.  If not workable, perhaps retain a in-home respite LPN to stay at your home for your personal days, if BIL refuses, and send invoice to him for reimbursement, or if someone already controls in laws finances, pay it from those funds.  But don't be surprised if BIL's initial solution becomes "keep them at your house" absence from resolving matter.

[Sneezy]

In the future, anytime BIL2 steps in and insists something must be done his way, tell him, "Of course, if that's what you'd prefer. Let me know when you've taken care of it." 

Cat - I think I will use this on more people than just BIL-2 

BIL-1 took MIL and FIL to BIL-2's house yesterday.  We still have their dog, so I'm guessing they will be back here at some point.  We are getting complete and total radio silence from BIL-2 and his wife and that is just fine with me.  As far as I'm concerned, they picked out the facility they wanted, and so now it's up to them to make it happen.

And when I look at this objectively, I'm really, really glad we found out their true colors now.  Because we had planned on moving FIL's boat to our town and sharing it with BIL-2 and his wife.  But that would obviously be a mistake.  They would delegate all the work and upkeep to us and they would almost certainly use it more than we would.  We were also thinking about working together on a couple other projects, and have decided that we're not going to do it.  BIL-2 and his wife are like the students on the group project who get an "A" even though they don't lift a finger, and DH and I are the two dupes who do all the work.  It stops now!

[Sneezy]

Well, Mom and Dad spent the weekend at BIL-2's house.  Mom had a bout of terrible delusions, 911 had to be called, it was awful.  I would never wish this on anyone, but if it had to happen, I'm glad it happened when and where it did.  Everyone is back on the same page, apologies and hugs all around.  And we are working together to find a safe memory care facility for mom as quickly as possible.  It sucks that we lost a week with all the disagreements.  Covid has picked up here and many places that we wanted to tour are closed (we can't tour, but we can still do the initial assessments and keep the ball rolling).

Thank you all for listening to my rants - I could feel your support as I navigated this week 

[Andeza]

I guess BIL-2 needed to see just how bad things were to light a fire under his butt? I'm sorry you all are dealing with this Sneezy. It's a horrible thing, no matter who it happens to. Sending

[1footouttadefog]

Sell the boat of buy their share from them.  The warm and fuzzy let's all share very seldom works.

I am sorry the elder had a bad week and 911 had to be called but it sounds like it worked for the best.

Too ad BIL2 wins on the facility location, however it's best that they bee somewhere thst has the memory care.  Things can move fast in that regard and these days as you know it can be hard to place someone.

I was needing to ace my pdh temporarily until they got his meds sorted this past summer and there was no place to place him with all the covid related complications, staff shortages and such.

Fortunately for us they were able to keep him at the VA hospital until things were managed.

Now he is living here in his own space. I feel blessed every month we don't have to pay a facility 5-6k

[Sneezy]

I feel blessed every month we don't have to pay a facility 5-6k

I am in sticker shock seeing how much it costs for mediocre care, not even top of the line.  My in-laws are blessed as they will be able to sell their house and this, along with social security, will be enough for a reasonable facility.  I can't imagine being in a position where there is not enough money and so all the care falls on the adult children. 

I've always said I want to live to be 100, but I'm not so sure any more.  Old age is not for the faint of heart!

[1footouttadefog]

I figure any healthy years past cmseeing my kids up and out will be a bonus. 

I have watched many awesome nonagenarians and octagenarians age and stay fit and busy until the end but don't believe that will be me.