Leaving the guilt behind and moving on

[hhaw]

We see you, EM.

Feel free to borrow our lenses when necessary.  Feel  free to view your children and sbtx through them when you can't get you nose off the pebble.

And breathe, EM.  Breathe deep and slow.... fill your lungs like a vase, from bottom to top and think about the oxygen entering and exiting..... really focus on breathing, maybe start a routine, bc the benefits begin popping up in your life when you least expect it. Cross your arms over your chest and pat your shoulders gently, like you're patting an infants back..... left right left right...... slow and comforting.  You have more control over your Nervous System than you think and your stbx doesn't have a right to own and use it against you much longer.

Think of it as building a secret weapon.... this time you invest in calming yourself and nervous system.  It will pay off during tough skirmishes ahead.  You won't know how useful it is till you're in the thick of it, but you'll know it when it happens.

Your children will see you breathing deeply and calming yourself when you don't realize you're doing it...... it becomes second nature as you practice, IME. 

Understanding the dark makes it easier to find and shine light on it.  I think you're doing very well.  Focus on what you CAN do.  Bounce over the things you can't fix now....... this too shall pass.

[escapingman]

Ok, not surprisingly she tripped up on her own desire to be nasty. SG have some really exciting things going on this week, things that excites me more than stbx. So how could she maximise this? She decided to tell the kids I have covid and to stay away from me. I even did a test but she claims it's not reliable. SG is now scared shitless from going near me and screams to me to stay away. This must surely count as abuse and really bad abuse. I do want to thank stbx however as made my mind extremely clear of how sick she is.

[hhaw]

EM:

You continue to be surprised by your stbx's toxic choices and behaviors.

I hope you can wrap your mind around the fact she's going to continue to escalate and your ability to document impeccably is a priority.

How are you documenting this current interpersonal terrorist tactic?  Terrifying a special needs sg child, for any reason is abusive, imo. 


Doing it to punish, distance and ruin the joy for you and sg is an act of terrorism only a Judge can begin to mitigate, ime.

My heart is breaking for sg.

Again.....how can you document this to your best ability?

[escapingman]

Hhaw, no I am not at all surprised as the has behaved like this for as long as I can remember. But what is surprising is how anyone can be so twisted that they despite living under a threat of divorce, have been told one more of those and you are out, and she still does it  It would be fine if she didn't beg me to keep her at the same time as that would make the process much more straight forward. I still actually have my police report open and got contact from the police asking if I want to proceed with it or not, honestly I might as well as this will be all out war. I have nothing to lose now as she has shown her true colours that she will turn the kids against me, even if I stay. I went to bed at 6pm yesterday as I could not bare the abuse anymore, stayed in to 10am this morning, had to cancel work as I am just worn out. I wanted to go an talk to SG and with her good luck for her things for today, but just couldn't face being shouted at for this made up Covid story, could hear GC shouting from outside my bedroom to stay in the with my Covid. I am hurt, really hurt. Maybe this hurt is what I need to finally escape. What also makes me so sad, whilst turned on me like she did yesterday she also turned on all charm for the girls and was the perfect mum to them (with her condition to them that they needed to be nasty to me).

I am documenting all what's going on, everything is on voice recordings. I haven't written down as much lately in my journal, but it's all there in my head and on the recordings.

And right now she is stomping around in the house feeling sorry for herself, so tired of living with a mentally ill person.

[hhaw]

If stbx tossed the tv button at you hard.....report it.  Everything.  Report it and press it as hard and far as you possibly can from the start.

The stbx will switch up and change tactics like a rolling gator, but you stick to the plan, press maximum pressure and end the divorce more quickly.

Get protections for your children and stbx by NEVER giving in to stbx.  Press your strongest case to it's max while always remembering to speak to and about your stbx with COMPASSION.

You need help, stbx needs help, the children need help and you're asking the courts and law enforcement for that help.  Do not veer off that path, bc you'll be sabotaging your case if sending mixed messages about divorce and priorities...the kids, the kids, the kids.

Press the charges while including everything aggressive or physical the stbx has done.  Everything. 

I hope you've prepared the evidence you'll use, wrapped your mind around alleging ONLY those things you can prove AND left out the very confusing PD things that make no sense.  You need your case to make sense and be easily proved, EM.

Breathe......once you begin, you're heading to better things. 

[Joga]

EM, that's awful what's she did with the fake covid allegation. That is definitely abusive to SG. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to document everything. Like hhaw said, look at your situation through the lens of an outsider when you need clarity. That's excellent advice that I need to take myself!

[escapingman]

I am broken, I lost.

Third day running she has got the kids against me on this Covid lie. Went in to the kitchen, SG ran out lied to STBX that I had coughed over her food (I was in the other side of the kitchen making a coffee). Then GC hurled abuse at me, how do you stop a child if they keep being backed by the other parent? In the end after 10 minutes of abuse from all 3 of them I just lost it. I feel so bad. STBX used it of course, to reinforce to them I am the unstable one and need to be locked up. I probably should just leave. What is the point of anything when all she needs to do is tell them a lie and then the lie becomes their truth? She has always done this, made up a line and then made it my job to prove her wrong. Like now with this Covid, I took the test and it was negative, they don't believe the test and say I need another on and another one. Sure I can take more, but what is the point when it wont be enough anyway? I can still go, just leave it all. But the kids, their life's are about to be ruined. I can see it and I can't do anything about it. No point in going to the police either as she will turn it around on me and me being the bad one.

Maybe I should just pack a bag, go and never go back.

[guitarman]

What a terrible time you are having. This is all abuse.

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. I know it's not easy when you are being provoked into anger. You are getting all your buttons pushed.

That's exactly what your wife wants. She wants you to feed her narcissistic supply.

It's called the narcissistic cycle of abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim by provoking you into anger and shouting back. Then they have the proof they need. It's a very twisted game they can play.

Use Grey Rock and Medium Chill techniques to remain calm. Be aware of not getting on anyone else's emotional rollercoaster with them.

People can twist the truth and twist history, tell lies, make false allegations and start smear campaigns to try and provoke you. Actors need audiences. Try not to take the bait and remain calm.

I hope that you can get support by seeing a therapist on your own who specialises in trauma. They would be able to help you more.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thank you Guitarman, I do MC and GR and I am successful most of the time. But after ten minutes of having lies and swearing from her Golden Child I couldn't take it anymore. I know, it makes me weak. But how much can to take from a child when you keep telling them to stop, you try everything in the book to make them stop and every time you get a bit closer the narc monster from upstairs feeds another little lie to get her going again. I can manage STBX, but I can't manage the kids when they are turned against me. It is killing me.

[escapingman]

Did some rereading on parental alienation for refreshing me. With the level she has taken it to I don't think I will be able to cope in a calm way being here, to be absolutely honest I rather have no contact with my own children than having them standing and swearing to my face screaming they hate me. I am sick and tired of being accused for any made up thing and then having it thrown in my face by the kids, things they don't even know what it mean. I am tired of having no privacy as a twisted truth is told to the kids by her. How am I supposed to defend my toilet habits when they are just made up? Her twisted mind told the kids this morning I had been up all night having diarrhoea, I went for a p*ss at 5am. The projections, the lies, the manipulation. I am sick of it. SG went to a new friends yesterday, I wasn't really allowed to talk to her about how it went as I "have covid", but the first question STBX asked, the first f*cking question, "Was the house posh". What question is that for a child trying to make a new friend?

I will now contact my solicitor and start the divorce.

I.HAVE.HAD.ENOUGH!

[square]

I understand. That's a lot to take.

[escapingman]

As I recorded the entire episode this morning I just listened to it all. Although I did lose and raised my voice, after that kind of abuse on second listening I don't even blame myself. STBX told me repeatedly I was coughing my head off, but on the 20 minute long recording I did not cough one single time. But even though it is a recording showing what happened, I am not sure it can be used as I raised my voice and anyone could take that as me being the problem. But the entire time, when mainly GC was making fun of me and swearing at me, STBX was there in the background feeding her to continue.

Sorry for the ranting, I am just beside myself at the moment. I need to calm down before I contact my solicitor, I can't be in a state talking to her.

[square]

What happened was legitimately crazy making. Pretty sure I'd lose it as well.

[hhaw]

EM:

I think it will be necessary to have your negative Covid tests and a fresh one taken at a Drug Store for evidence.

What your wife is doing is terrorizing you and the children using the very real threat of Covid and perhaps illness and death.  It's obviously meant to distress them and you. 

Ask your attorney what evidence you need to prove what she's doing.  Get it.

Obviously, if your wife pretends to actually believe you have Covid she'll appear quite mad OR just stressed from the ongoing Pandemic?  Make sure you've recorded yourself showing your stbx your N Covid results and do stay calm.

I'm shocked you've stayed as level as you have.  It's not your fault you're losing your mind.  I don't know anyone who can remain level under this much stress and harm to one's children. 

I do think it's time to file, EM.  It's time to state and prove your case with evidence and that's the mission.

You'll be working toward protecting your children and limiting harm, but right now....... state and prove your case with evidence.  Ask the domestic violence people for advice and what your rights are.  Ask your attorney to help you protect your children through the courts.

[escapingman]

Hhaw, there are a few issues with taking another test. The first one, she did exact this accusation drama with SG a few weeks ago forcing her to take a test every day for a week getting extremely distressed. Even though every test was negative, she kept saying SG had Covid and the tests were incorrect. The second, with the possibility of the test actually being positive as you could catch it any time, the fallout from a positive test would be massive. There is one rule in this house, no one is allowed to be ill, that is a crime and you will be punished, unless of course you are STBX as she is allowed to be ill whenever she wants to and everybody needs to feel sorry for her.

STBX has been away so I picked the girls up from school, they were amazing. No arguments, went to the shops for them to pick treat meals, which is normally banned by STBX. Had a great time at home with laughing and talking, some edgy moments with sibling squabbles but with no PD to get involved screaming they died out almost immediately. Makes it even clearer where the problem in the family is, I bet that within minutes she is back home there will be a fallout between at least 2 people.

Thanks for all your support.

[escapingman]

I need to get all emotions to one side and concentrate now. The drama she has created this week has been relentless, and I have fallen in the trap. The quick moving around in the triangle where she is the perpetrator one second and then the victim the next is making me crazy. I am going to, as much as it is possible, to stay away from her all weekend, try to recharge, get focus and then go for it next week, when the emotions are a bit more stable. I can't talk to the solicitor and go on about her behaviour, I need a focused plan. I need to step out of my body and push on. The couple therapist, just put that to one side, she was never going to be there for me, not as I need her to, at least not as fast as I need it. I think I will start a new thread for the actual divorce, leave the drama out of it and create separate threads in other sections of this forum, cause I will need it, but I don't want to muddle it up. I don't know, I have had so much good advice in here, but I am still struggling. I am worried about the parental alienation she will do, but it was very positive yesterday with the kids on my own as they were completely different without her. I have to take the good with the bad and stay optimistic.

Sorry again for all my ranting.

[Boat Babe]

The sooner you get put, the easier it will be. It will still be hard but not as hard as this. Same for the girls.

Wishing you clarity and courage em.

[escapingman]

Started to feel all the symptoms of Covid, I wonder how much is just created by all anxiety surrounding all accusations about having it the last week. However, I took another test which was negative. I am sure I will be even more accused of having it now after taking another test. Anyway, she came into me pretending all was fine earlier today, talking about how silly it is to not just get on with things. Told her that's not possible as she hurt me and I am not accepting how she treated me, she denied it, of course, and suggested we should start doing coffee dates so we get back together. I must really question is she really is suffering of abuse amnesia, or is she so cold and self absorbed she can just put it to one side and expect everything to be fine. Told her to forget it, but she pretended she didn't hear it.

[hhaw]

Oh, EM,....

I undertand the human NEED to make sense of things....... of your stbx's process and probable mental illness.

I do.

The thing is, your stbx's behaviors and thought process is non sensical. 

It will never make any sense so you won't be able to make any sense of it no matter how much struggle, thinking, suffering and  agonizing over it.  Every moment you spend thinking about it is wasted and keeps you weighted down, occupied, unable to ACT, problem solve, plan and execute strategies to bring about the best possible outcome for everyone involved.

What will help your childre is the same thing you need..... a good therapist, safe emotional and physical spaces and to have their lives NOT turned upside down any more than necessary.

THat's going to require you continuing to keep the business on track, their mother safely housed and fed and offered reasonable chances to settle a divorce while you press every issue to it's fullest so her ability to manufacture chaos is limited and the divorce ends more quickly for her, you and the girls. 

Once you're OUT of the same household as the StBX..... once you're IN therapy with a good therapist....... once you have important details of the divorce and separation and visitation schedule and perhaps custody figured out..... you can spend as much time as you want trying to figure out your stbx's mental processes.

Until then....... get your head in the game and keep getting it back in as you get jerked off course, bc that's how it goes, IME.

You manage to focus..... the PD DOES something you don't expect, you react, feel anxious and perhaps hopeless for a bit, recover then get your head back in the game out of self preservation and necessity...... you do it to protect your children and move the into safer space.

That's your next year, IME.  You have choices every minute of every day and those choices move you closer or farther away from getting yourself and kids into safer space. 

The girls need their mother to be OK.  They need you to be OK. They need to be shielded from their mother's crushing them and sacrificing them to the Gods of Hate and Vengeance, bc the stbx can't do any better.

YOU can react to her or you can counter her in the best possible ways to come out of this with everyone in tact.  If the PD threatens suicide, I suggest you have her taken in for evaluation.... for her own good.... she honestly needs help.  It would also SHOW the court and everyone interested in the facts WHAT your children deal with, you deal with, your stbx deals with. 

Press every chance you get to remove wiggle room for your stbx...... and stop letting her jerk you off track,make you feel guilty, etc BECAUSE your choices are all going to be less than optimal for a while and you won't get to feel like the good guy for a while.  Accept it and KNOW you're the only adult capable of steering your family into healthier waters and your stbx likely won't be dragged..... which means she'll do everything she can to KEEP you and esp the kids IN THAT DEEP WATER where all of you are now and it's dangerous water, IME. 

So focus. 

Minimizing trauma, time, wasted resources and your stbx's ability to BLOCK therapy for your shared children. IF the stbx was in her right mind she'd protect the girls and shield them from trauma. Instead

I suggest you go back and read all the threads as needed, bc there's a lot of good information there. 

Put on an imaginary helmet when you're near your stbx and don't let her crazy INTO your head.  Instead.... shift into observer mode and get curious about your reactions TO her crazy..... and breathe, EM.  Breathe yourself into calmer space, make a good plan and STICK to it...... then get back to calmer space as you can....... breathe, cold water showers, pushing on door jambs very very hard and patting your shoulders like you would a baby.......whatever works for you.  Go out into nature and touch trees, look at leaves...... but control yourself and get back to center, over and over again.

You're heading to the exit......... trust yourself and never ever ever trust the stbx or a word she says.... NEVER trust any promise she makes. Take her threats seriouse and don't let her get away with threatening suicide without consequences.....she's going to be bringing consequences on herself and protecting her is a mistake.

You've protected and enabled her for years..... stopping won't be easy, but you should know....... it's time to let her deal with every consuequence of her actions now, bc it helps all of you..... every one and that's enough to stick to that good plan, IME.

Remember, the kind cut is the stinkiest cut.  Any kindness you extend the stbx, outside keeping the family business on track, only harms her and extends the trauma.

Use our filters  to SEE what's important in the moment.  Try not to fret about the future and do what you can in the moment..... that's where sanity and better outcomes live, IME.

You sound better in this last post than you have, IMO.

Keep your eye on the ball.

[escapingman]

Thanks again hhaw.

They are very predictable, even when they are unpredictable. Earlier this week when I was accused for having Covid, I was suffering from one of my ongoing health issues that comes and goes and I am very aware of, she should be to. But as I was a bit in a weakened state she used that to her max to push on. Then yesterday afternoon I got a cold and got very worn down, just wanted to rest, but this is what is an open goal for her. Me being a bit under the weather, she strikes, abuse turned up, kids turned against me and the rest. I have noticed with myself that when I am weak, my MC and GR aint working very well, I just needed and wanted to be left in peace and she kept going at me, together with GC. In the end I lost it again, had to retreat to my room and hide the rest of the evening and night to avoid furher abuse. But could hear how she was back chatting me to the kids and how they validated her. Now this morning I feel back to normal, but as soon as they saw me to rollercoaster was on. I find it so sad that GC can treat me so horrible when STBX is in the house, but as soon as STBX is gone she is the most adorable girl.

Monday is the day I set for filing. Hope I can get my solicitor to do it. Then house/flat hunting it is.