Leaving the guilt behind and moving on

[SonofThunder]

EM, wishing you all the best my friend.  Will be sending thoughts and prayers your way for determination and a focus on steady forward motion to completion of your goals of freedom of abuse for you and your children. 

SoT

[losingmyself]

EM, adding my voice to the hopes and prayers for your continued forward movement!!
Good luck
You got this!!

[escapingman]

Thank you all for your support, just so you know I am scared shitless to pull the trigger on this.

[JustKeepTrying]

Your fear is legitimate.  All of the emotion is.  I was a complete mess when I did it.  And it took a long time to come to terms with it.  Still am.

You got this.  We got you.

[hhaw]

EM:

Once the divorce starts rolling.....
remember you're not responsible for protecting the stbx any more.

Protecting her is enabling her, ime. Protecting her is self sabotaging yourself, your kiddos and your legal case, so resist SAYING things like:

I just want stbx to X, Y or Z.

It's time to ask for every firm of relief available to you and the children while remaining focused on limiting the harm the stbx.

You're done hoping stbx will be appropriate, consistent, reasonable or kind to you and the children.

You're seeking relief and protections and controls.  Period.  Treatment, perhaps, but resist using medical or psych language.  Give details you can prove.  Give them without expectation or judgment. The stbx's words and actions then the affects on your children ....what happens?  How distressed are they?  How much turmoil is in the home.  How do the children cope with it and what does that look like? 

You look over your evidence, draw strongest details and events and consequences from it and stick to those with evidence at hand.

I made mistake if saying things like....."I want my girls to have a relationship with the PDs if the PDs can be appropriate.". Fir whatever reason, maybe bc I had hope, was too earnest and naiive....I wish I would have prioritized the children's safety WHILE claiming I'd support the PDs to be the best PDs they could be.  There's a difference, imo.  A steadfast refusal to muddy dangerous waters with wishy washy language and desire to be viewed as nice and MORE than reasonable.

That time passed while you were focused on other things, EM. 

Time to dial in priorities and stick to them in thought, word and deed.  Sending mixed messages will harm your ability to produce the best possible outcome, ime.

Expect discomfort at holding the stbx's feet to the fire without hesitation, bc you're going to be staring it down every day till it becomes your new default setting.

NOW is the time you go for the change your children need bc going back to court is too hard, too expensive and too little for the energy it costs.

Push for everything you can to protect the children while caring less about the stuff. 

The courts are used to litigants fighting over forks and dishes......stupid things.

You'll always be focused on your children, getting them into therapy with a trauma informed T and mitigating the harm their mother does.....always stuck to your guns in safety and supporting healing.  It's difficult for the PD and opposing counsel to verbally jujitsu that into their narrative of lies, ime.

YOU become the master of verbal jujitsu when you
Speak as though addressing a child

Give only the burger without the bun

Allege only what you can prove


Always refer to stbx with compassion

Stick to discussing the children, the children, the children.

Tell your story sans expectation

Tell your story sans judgment

THIS moment in time is your opportunity to educate court officers, school faculty and those around you about the facts involved around filing divorce and seeking protections for your family, stbx included as she's been practicing self sabotaging behaviors for years and is escalating.....you don't know why.....you keep referring back to your evidence and forming a narrative people can make sense of.

What is your narrative?

What are you asking the court to do for you?

Why?

Good luck, you're doing great, EM.

[hhaw]

EM:

The following quote from Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. reminds me of the struggle you're taking on....

"We who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension.
We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive.
We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with."

The stbx will bleat and pose as victim, pointing to your filing the divorce, to your speaking truth about her and likening them to an attack, which, coupled with her writhing and nashing of teeth CAN appear like she's being victimized and attacked.  That's why it's imortant to speak about her ALWAYS with compassion as the mother of your children who you care about.  You just can't go on hoping her disordered behaviors will improve without interventions..... and you're asking for interentions to protect your children.  You aren;t asking for the PD to be punished...... only held accountable for her actions. 

Allege only those things you can prove with solid evidence. 

The PD will do everything she can to trigger you into reactivity.  Accept there will be great discomfort in sitting with the reactivity and wait to speak or act until you've checked you plan of action, considered your choices and respond in the best possible way to achieve your goals in every moment.

And keep breathing.  THATs what yu do when the discomfort has you crawling out of your skin...... breathe, call your attorney, check your notes, mindfully PUT ON Out of the FOG board member's filters and find the choice in every moment.

Remember to keep going back to breathing when you feel overwhelmed and terrified and out of control..... it leads to regaining clarity and choice.  Make good choices in each moment and don't let others drag you into worry about tomorrow.  Keep returning to this moment, to yourself..... you are home, you have arrived inside yourself.  It's gong to be OK.

Breathe.

This is a marathon and there's patterns to these things.  You're in a good place to get through this.  Trust.  Breathe.  Know you're moving towards the exit. 

[escapingman]

What is your narrative?

What are you asking the court to do for you?

Why?

I just want to get free, set the girls free, end this terror, end this nightmare. That is all I ask for, nothing more.

[hhaw]

You don't have to answer here, but you should have the answers to those questions IN your mind, perhaps practiced a bit in tone and tempo...... ready and internalized so you can speak about them without getting triggered or sidetracked, not matter what's said or alleged.

Be prepared for stupid questions like..... "WHAT DID YOU DO to the PD to MAKE her act that way?"
Remember to treat it as an opportunity to educare the person asking the question.  How would you explain it to a child? 

With simple words, short answers and only the necessary bits spoken in level tones...... zero snark.