Set boundary .....now silent treatment

[Sheppane]

So it goes like this :
I set a boundary which involved not visiting FOO to celebrate New Year.  I explained to Mom in advance when she called , then followed up with text message to confirm. Series of passive agressive texts " well youve made your decision i guess ...etc ".  I did not apologise but did point out the reasons were out of our control which is the truth. And now .......silence. From all of FOO for over a week.

Before Christmas I was getting text messages , pictures,  videos. I remember at the time feeling it was too good to be true. And we had nice time together over Christmas too , for the first time since coming Out of the FOG I felt I could enjoy their company. I felt back in the fold again. I felt back as part of the family.

Now I dont know what to do. I feel Ive been pulled back into a game I did not agree to play. The silence and lack of contact is deafening and is a punishment for setting my boundary  Im sure of that.  Im sure there is a lot of unspoken content about how i ruined their new year celebration, how i dont care about them, how i am withholding the grandkids etc.

i thought this had turned a corner and yet here we are again. Spent yesterday watching youtube videos to reassure myself Ive done nothing wrong as the self doubt was creeping in, as it always does.

And as always nothing overt. No one called and said they were angry - just silence, a cut off for now. Nothing put into words so even if I said " seems youre angry " it would be denied. Whay are you talking about Sheppane ??? More gaslighting. 

So here we are stuck in the ST game. Problem is what do I do now ? When I refuse to engage - and none of them will either - then it sets me up to be doing the ST on them ! This could go on for weeks. I can decide to sit it out until someone makes contact. By that stage Ill be accused of the very same thing - me doing ST on them.  Lose/lose.

I feel sad, disappointed and foolish that I believed it had all turned a corner. The confusion in these relationships is exhausting. And it fuels fear in me about the future as my parents are ageing that sometimes I tell myself just to ignore it. I wonder am I making a huge deal out of nothing. And yet I know that in a healthy relationship setting a boundary doesnt pull the full weight of an entire FOO down on folks. In normal relationships boundaries arent " punished" , love doesnt get withdrawn.

The other thing that might happen is that I will stick through this only to suddenly get a call or a message in a week or two which is completely normal and then Im left dazzled wondering did I misread the whole thing 

Anyone get this ? And what to do - sit it out or call it out ? Am I over reading it ? Looking back over it the pre christmas phase looks like a lovebombing of sorts. How fast it changes.

I am getting so tired of this pattern. I am the family SG and GC sib very enmeshed with FOO, as I was once. So its always a case of " with us or against us". I am less fearful of their anger now I think, having done a lot of work on myself, so in one way I would rather have it all out in the open in one huge fight.

Except thats not the way it works  -   its more silence, P/A, triangulation, covert type. Having a big fight in some way feels like me stepping forward to take the bait, I think thats how the ST is used as a power /control to try to manipulate me. If I try to bring it up / take the bait it will result in me having to explain/ defend myself..

i hope this makes sense

Appreciate any feedback or advice and thsnks for reading!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ugh I'm so sorry. That feeling of carrot getting yanked away yet again...  This is the sort of pettiness that destroys relationships. It's a cowardly and childish  way of dealing with disappointment. You're probably right that taking it out like adults, not even necessarily a big fight, just honesty, would not accomplish anything but further alienating you. If you have observed that pattern over the course of your life trust your instincts here.

I think that feeling of belonging, of being back in the fold, is such a powerful desire for all of us! So much that you have done all sorts and accepted all sorts of ill treatment in the past in the hopes of getting that security.

Your enmeshed GC sibling is constantly paying a very high price for that. You have decided the cost is not worth the pain. Especially since you are seeing the big sham and bait-and-switch of the whole setup: You will not be seen and accepted and loved for yourself here. The best you can hope for is conditional approval based on the most recent of their never-ending demands. You get no credit for a lovely Christmas spent together. That is in the past and erased.

They will respond to you based on their feelings at that moment. That's it. You can call or not call, try to smooth things over, try to talk it out. But you've seen the man behind the curtain, so to speak. So really, what should you do? Whatever you want. If it feels right to let the ST ride, enjoy that silent treat. If you feel like reaching out, you know their limitations. They might think their tactic "worked," but whatever. I think the only way to win is to no longer care for validation from them. It truly is meaningless. Focus on you. Good luck, we're here for you.

[guitarman]

One way you could be in charge and take back control is to set a regular day to call them, if you want to. I wouldn't suggest that you tell them your schedule, it's yours not theirs.

You may decide say once a month, on the first day of each month and the duration of the call. Whatever happens keep to the duration you decided or less, if it becomes too much.

Someone suggested this to me when I used to visit my uBPD/NPD sister. I set a limit of two hours to be in her company. Then whatever happened I left, even if it was going well. I left earlier if I decided it was too much or there was any abuse.

It's all about taking back control, setting boundaries and being in charge. It's empowering to do.

If you don't keep to it that's OK. It's up to you.

If you don't feel like being in contact with them that's fine. Also you don't have to take their phone calls if they contact you. I had a rule that if my sister was rude when she called me and I ended the call if she then rang back I wouldn't take it. Also if she rudely ended the call and rang back I wouldn't take her call. I would leave it for another day. I let her rant to the answer phone and I wouldn't listen to her messages. She would fill the answer phone up with ranting messages but I kept calm and firm and didn't break MY boundary.

I would enjoy the peaceful time of no contact at the moment. When they do eventually contact you and ask for an explanation why you've not been in contact practice Grey Rock and Medium Chill. You don't have to JADE justify, argue, defend or explain. Keep it all calm and boring. You've been so busy.

I follow Kris Godinez on YouTube. Her channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. I've learnt a lot from her. She's covered this topic regularly.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe.

[Jolie40]

point out the reasons were out of our control which is the truth. And now .......silence. From all of FOO for over a week.

since it wasn't your fault for missing, they have NO reason to be angry
however, you know better being SG

I would just wait to let them contact you
since you have kids, eventually they'll want to see them
hopefully they'll play nice & contact you to see the kids again

I know it's difficult to wait & you're imagining what they're saying but "who cares"
you're not hearing it & all the better

just wait it out...

[bee well]

Hi Sheppane,

I don't think you are reading too much into it, and it's not foolish to feel good about the idea of being back in the fold. You are human...That's an awful feeling to think things are back to normal, and then get the silent treatment when you didn't do anything wrong, it's their game, not yours.  I definitely wouldn't call it out. That would just invite more gaslighting. They will likely call as if nothing happened...If you want to talk to them and have them in your life then do it on your terms. But as has been said here, be wary of expectations. If you decide you don't want to communicate at any given time that's your right too. Just because you enjoyed the texts, pictures, ect., that doesn't mean you owe them...Take care and go easy on yourself...

[moglow]

I would enjoy the peaceful time of no contact at the moment. When they do eventually contact you and ask for an explanation why you've not been in contact practice Grey Rock and Medium Chill. You don't have to JADE justify, argue, defend or explain. Keep it all calm and boring. You've been so busy.

This! Some of the "kids of" refer to it as "silent treat" - maybe it's intended as punishment for us, but they don't see the blessing it really is at times.

Live your life, do your thing, then when/if they reach out "oh it's been that long? I hadnt noticed. Busy busy boring dull nothing I need to share thanks ..." Detachment from the drama is what you may need, and it'll be up to you to do it. You don't have to explain anything -youre living your life!

[bloomie]

Sheppane - I am sorry this latest response to you saying a simple "can't do that" to your parents is resulting in what you are experiencing as punitive silence. The emotional and psychological pain that can come from a pattern of push-pull with what are usually considered foundation relationships cannot be underestimated.

A couple of insights and coping thoughts from my own experiences with this...

I was groomed to be hypersensitive and experience an escalation of fear and anxiety stemming from prolonged and excruciatingly cruel silences from my mother from as long as I am able to remember. So, from that trauma, as an adult, I walked around with my shoulders hunched to my ears waiting for the next round with the sweet/mean cycle.

Because I could count on there always being another round and another way I had: 'deeply hurt', 'disrespected', positioned myself as 'better than', questioned something simple and what most would view as a non issue... you know what I am talking about. Any time I behaved as a separate human being and had limits or spoke the truth or had the unmitigated gall to say 'no'. There I was, with my finger to the wind always on alert and then my imagination running amok, because how many times had I heard the disparaging words and punitive plans when my mother was displeased with me or someone else in her orbit? Enough to guess with a fair amount of accuracy what was going on behind my back.

Here's the thing I realized about all of this.. I had been so hurt for so long by this cycle that I had a very limited tolerance to being ignored or to unexplained silences and rejection from my family, especially my mother, but later in my life, in my marriage and close friendships, too. The silence of people I loved was so painful that I would rush to bridge a gap that was sometimes (not my mother and other messed up relationships I had along the way, of course) imaginary between us.

It helped me to determine to only respond to what another person actually says and does, or to what is observable, and refuse to allow my (most likely accurate in my mother's case) imagination to make any decisions for me or torment me. That is something I absolutely can control and change to bring more peace to my life during these times of silence.

I also determined to refuse to apologize or justify limiting my interactions and availability to another person. Anyone. It is one thing to politely decline and grease the wheels by giving a brief bit of context... I can't make it to NYE because: "My hamster needs a good washing!"  of course I am being silly to hopefully bring a smile to your face, but you get what I mean, I hope.

I go along with the "no" is a complete sentence crowd, but also do offer a more gracious no sometimes. Thing is... I used to say..."I'm sorry.... blah, blah, blah, blah" and guess what?

Healthy people do not enjoy that and unhealthy people are going to use it against us and keep texting our terribleness until we stop apologizing when we have done nothing wrong. We end up gaslighting ourselves and teaching others that they can manipulate us by sulking and coming at us like a heat seeking missile.

And the other thing that has been a big help to me... if I perceive that someone does not want contact with me.. for any reason and they have made it clear in the abrupt change in how often and if they reach out, I want to be a person to respect that message, even if it is tacit. This is something that is discernible and observable and that  we can have reasonable levels of confidence in as we determine our LOC.

So, when and if they reconnect, knowing I have done absolutely nothing wrong and am respecting myself and others I have no reason to be awkward and there is nothing to address on my side of the street. If the time lapse between contact comes up breeze on by it. Change the subject, talk about something cute the kiddos are doing, a new project or anything old thing but the lapse.

If you can take the emotional charge out of this on your side of it and get to a place where you not only can tolerate being ignored, but can adjust your expectations around what it actually is that your FOO have to give you, it might really help you to no longer be so discouraged by this and it might lead to a more empowered and peaceful place. I am cheering you on!

[JollyJazz]

Hello Sheppane,

Sorry to hear that you are going through this! Hugs!!!

I can definitely relate! I was very enmeshmed despite coming partially Out of the FOG, it took brain spotting / body work with my awesome therapist to help release that trauma. After learning about caregiving as well I started to step back last year. Like you, when I started standing up for myself and stepping out of the enmeshed role, I started getting silent treatment from PD M and her flying monkey assistants.

It's very hurtful. It's emotional abuse, cruel and horrible.

I have listened to the 'Stop caregiving the borderline or narcissist' audiobook over and over, and there is an actual section on exactly what you've experienced, it's about how when you step out if the caregiving role/become more healthy, set boundaries, the PD person will set up the silent treatment and that's how they roll. It's actually a good sign relating to all the growth and progress you are going through, so in a way, well done for your boundary setting.

So, how to cope in the meantime? Hope you can get in lots of nice exercise, self care, connecting with healthy people, therapy if necessary, extra sleep, movies, whatever it takes.

Big hugs! I know it hurts a lot, but you're actually doing awesomely setting boundaries and growing. Best wishes!!

[Hilltop]

Sheppane it does sound like a lot of love bombing leading up to the holidays.  It seems like this is something they felt they had to have, you know the show of the close loving family around the holidays and now the holidays are over.  PD's are superficial so now the holidays are over, you may find they are off doing other things or they may be upset you put in boundaries around the New Year.  The thing is, assuming anything isn't working for you.  If they are simply off doing their own thing, you have wasted energy worrying over nothing and if they are trying to punish you for not coming on NYE then that is also a waste of your energy as you did nothing wrong.

These games your family play, the push/pull are very painful and hurtful.  I feel you won't get anywhere if you bring the issue up.  PD's love a reaction, if they are doing this silent treatment as punishment for putting a boundary in place then you showing them you are upset will probably make them happy. The punishment worked.  So I would not acknowledge it, or mention it, if they mention it breeze past it, as others have said, you've been busy and haven't noticed.  If on the odd chance they are simply off doing their own thing, then they get to gas light you and say 'oh you are so sensitive' blah blah blah.  Either way bringing up the issue rarely has a positive outcome.

Rather than focusing on them and what they are doing, I would call them when you want to.  If you get to a week or a month and want to reach out then do so, if you don't, then don't.  If you feel like you are stuck in the game and stuck on whether to call or not then I think Guitarman's idea of a set time to call is great.  That way you aren't playing the game, you are calling once a month or whenever on the schedule you have set.

You ask are you misreading the situation.  You mention you are sick of the pattern which tells me this has happened before, so you are probably not misreading the situation.  You are seeing the pattern playing out again.  You feel the let down again and its hurtful.  I don't think you need to defend yourself or explain yourself.  This has not helped me when talking to my family it usually just leads to more gaslighting.

I think part of the game you are stuck on, which happened to me as well is that we wait for them to contact us, to be over the silent treatment. During that time we wait, we are anxious knowing that something is wrong.  We feel that if we contact them, that we let them win the game because we went running to contact them.  So the game is rigged to lose, every time.

My mother did a version of silent treatment over the holidays, she didn't contact me.  It was the first time I took myself out of the game (mostly I did have a lot of upset about it) and I looked within to what I wanted to do.  I wanted to text on the holidays so I did and I still don't regret it.  Since the holidays she still hasn't reached out in any way, however I don't feel the need to reach out to her.  I still don't regret anything.  My aim now is to contact when I want to and let her contact when she wants to.  If she has a problem then my aim now is to let that be her problem, she can talk about it if she wants but if she doesn't then I am going to assume everything is fine and try not to think about it.  I have since chosen not to discuss the problems I have with her as it hasn't gotten me anywhere so I am content with my decision to not engage.

Rather than thinking about your family, look within, when do you want to contact them.  Then do that.  If you are doing it when you feel you want to then you aren't playing their game, you are doing your own thing.  I hope you work through this and find something that works for you. I understand it's painful to feel that you are back in the fold however the fold doesn't really exist, it's all quite superficial, it's there and then it's not.  Seeing it for what it is, can be really hard.

[Sheppane]

thank you all so much for your replies. This forum is so supportive 
I will write more later when I have time, but reading through your replies just now is making me realise how  the confusion is perhaps the most difficult part of all of this for me at the moment.  Confusion and self doubt. It feels so good to be heard by people who understand and helps me see reality clearly.

[daughter]

Like others' recommendations.

It's helpful to remind yourself NOT to respond to that "silent treatment". Be obtuse; if it's not addressed directly to you, it's not "heard" by you, and if it's expressed to you, you still don't need to respond . Takes a lot of practice, but useful coping tool; got heavy use while I was still navigating my own dysfunctional npd-enmeshed parents and nsis. Ignore the "dog whistle" of their comparative silence this week.

Many folks don't communicate with their parents but once a month, or once a week at most. Many of us OOTFs were leashed to our parents expectations of daily, or even multi-daily calls, "just because" they demanded it from us. Patterned learning.  Can be unlearned. Best wishes. 

[Sheppane]

thank you so much for your replies. Call me Cordelia it's true I have seen the man behind the curtain . You said
" You will not be seen and accepted and loved for yourself here. The best you can hope for is conditional approval based on the most recent of their never-ending demands. You get no credit for a lovely Christmas spent together. That is in the past and erased.". That's it, isn't it? Like you said it's a sham.

Guitarman that sounds like a neat idea to set a time for calling. I find when I get into this headspace the longer it goes on I obsess about when I "should" call, its like a dark cloud hanging over me. And the next day comes and goes...and nothing. 

Moglow I like the " silent treat"! and thank you for the reminder to live my life in the meantime. J feel very in my head right now.

Bloomie you said " Because I could count on there always being another round and another way I had: 'deeply hurt', '" Yes !!!!! When it eventually comes out the accusations against me are always about how "hurt " FOO feel. Or a flying monkey comes In to tell me that ky behaviour ie the boundary was " hurtful". Very strong language always.

  "Here's the thing I realized about all of this.. I had been so hurt for so long by this cycle that I had a very limited tolerance to being ignored or to unexplained silences and rejection from my family, especially my mother, but later in my life, in my marriage and close friendships, too. The silence of people I loved was so painful that I would rush to bridge a gap that was sometimes (not my mother and other messed up relationships I had along the way, of course) imaginary between us.

It helped me to determine to only respond to what another person actually says and does " Yes !! Thus is so true for me. Bridging the gap but sometimes maybe imagining where maybe its not the ST? Is that what you mean ? It's at exactly that place I get stuck. I don't know whether I'm imagining it all / overthinking it / doing others thinking for them. Though I also think that can be a gaslit type of self doubt though too designed to do exactly that - make me question my reality? So I often get stuck there. The advice to just deal with what is observable is very helpful though. Thank you for your kind words 

Jolly jazz I'm sorry you've gone thru this too. I have that book but not read in a long time so I must read it again. its  always very validating when I see that this is a " thing" , that it's a clear pattern. Set boundary...silent treatment, period. I guess it stops me questioning all of it..

"It seems like this is something they felt they had to have, you know the show of the close loving family around the holidays and now the holidays are over.  PD's are superficial so now the holidays are over " . Thank you Hilltop yes the " show" - this is very helpful - the clarity it gives to see that is exactly what happens. They needed me for that experience and while it was nice it was skin deep because look how fast it changes.

"I think part of the game you are stuck on, which happened to me as well is that we wait for them to contact us, to be over the silent treatment. During that time we wait, we are anxious knowing that something is wrong.  We feel that if we contact them, that we let them win the game because we went running to contact them.  So the game is rigged to lose, every time.". This is SO true.

Daughter I like the dog whistle analogy! That really is how I experience it. And yes it has always been the case that I call them even for regular contact in more normal times , it is what the system always " demanded".

Another day to day. I will take all your advice and I will try to let it go and focus on myself. When I find myself obsessing about whether I "should" call I will remind myself there are others who , unfortunately,  get this too. That in itself feels like a lot of support. And to know this is not normal, not healthy, it is the conditional love thing.

thank you all so much