Dealiing with enabler family members

[Markclo1]

Hey friends, would appreciate some advice. The narcassistic parent in my family is my father. Not to make excuses for him but he grew up with a very abisive alcoholic father himself. I have been no contact with him for 7 years now, and it has helped my emotional wellbeing so much, its been very hard but i have never regretted it. I am married and have a family of my own now. One of the most painful things continues to be how the rest of my family responds to this situation. We were supposedly a close family growing up, but when i was around 13/14 my fathers behaviour began to change and has got worse over the years. I am particularly troubled about my relationship with my sister, we have tried to maintain contact over the years but it has been very challenging.
Years ago, i tried to ask her to address my fathers behaviour but she refused, i have since realised she is the compliant type, not exactly the golden child but somebody who never rocks the boat. I really feel like she has enabled his abusive (verbally abusive and bullying) behavious towards me to to continue.
How would you go about addressing this, or is it just not worth it? I have tried different things over the years in the interest of having some kind of relationship with her, do i just need to let this go? Its very paiinful having aready gone no contact with my father to think about doing the same with other close family members, but each time i talk to her, i just hit a brick wall and i feel small. She would like a relationship with me but does not want to discuss or pay any attention to the wider family situation. Its been very stressful over the years, when i do bring it up, i get told by her that my need to keep talking about this is harming our relationship, in fact i feel criticised for whatever i do in response to the mess with my father. It seems like my sister woulld rather live in denial than even remotely try to address the reality.
Im confused about what to do next, adivce appreciated? Many thanks

[serenitycalm]

Welcome Markclo1! I'm sorry you are going through this, I can relate to much of what you've written.

I suggest not talking with your sister about your father. She doesn't want to. You may want to find some sense of peace and closure through talking with your sister, but this likely is not going to happen. We cannot change other people. You won't be able to change her stance and behavior about this.

Attempting to get your sister to discuss your father in a particular way keeps you in contact. It keeps you in the drama and trauma around your father.

So maybe you can drop that. And focus fully on your own current well being.

Is your sister abusing you directly? Is she gaslighting, is she making you feel badly? Is she taking information about you to your father and making sure that you know this? If she is in any fashion abusing you, it is time to set firm boundaries, which might include a time out.

If you are triggered, that is a message to take good care of yourself, no matter what.

Are you in therapy? Do you have any help available for yourself in sorting this through?

For me personally, letting go of my dream that my siblings might agree with me and become healthy triggered some grief and pain for me. My dream was difficult to let go of but I had to let go. They are different people than I, they see things differently, and they are not the source of my healing.

The Toolbox section here has lots of good discussions and ideas.

[Markclo1]

Yes gaslighting for sure, she doesnt think there is an issue to deal with as regards my father. 7 years ago i decided to stand up to my father and ultimately went no contact. For around 5 years he has given me the slient treatment. Up until a couple of years ago i would try occasionally to talk with my father, but a couple of years ago decided to stop to focus completely on myself. I have been to counseeling several times over the years, and have developed a good support system around me. Now it feels like im going through it all again with my sister. In recent years i have been told this is my fault because im too angry, im the only one with a problem with my dad, time to get over it and move on, it feels like you are trying to cause trouble in the family, why are you bringing these issues up again? all of these things. Its hard to let go, my desire is for a good relationship with my sisterm for our families to get along but i know i am not being respected or heard. I dont feel valued at all. Maybe its time to get back into counselling, as i do need some help with this relationship. The most painful thing is the hope that surely one day things will change, and then realising it probably never will. i'm nervous of entering into another season of grief after going through this with my father, but it seems like this is where we're at once again.

[serenitycalm]

Another round of counseling sounds like a very good idea. You can ask for help and support. You can learn again how to locate your sense of self worth and value in yourself. 

I myself was doing pretty well in NC with my father, until I returned to contact with my sister. Then it felt like I was back at square one. But I wasn't at square one, I just needed to brush off all my tools again and apply them. If my experience is too uncomfortable I'll get back into counseling and maybe even try medication if need be.

Best wishes to you for your journey.

[Markclo1]

Thanks, i guess one more complication is my mother and how to repsond to her. My father and mother have long since been divorced, my father had an affair and relationship with another woman we all know, actually she was the mother of some schoolfriends of mine. It ended the marriage. We were all supposed to accept the situation like it was normal, sadly many of my family members went along with it, maybe to make the best of a bad situation, it didnt work. My mother is a deeply insecure woman who has never remarried. I've always got a lot of guilt from her about the situation in the family. In some ways she has enabled my dads behaviour too. When we were younger she would even invite my dad and his girlfriend over for dinner, its so crazy when i look back. I know she is not my repsonsibility, but i still feel repsonsibility for her if you know what I mean, especially since she is alone. Its all such a mess really, and my father just doesnt care about the mess hes left behind him. My mother had gone through a phase years ago when she would heavily criticize me for all sorts of things from my appearance to decisions i would not make, but that doesnt happen anymore. Maybe she used to blame me for the dysfunctional state of the family, she has gone through some healing but just gets very upset about everything. What can you do, its difficult because she is looking to me for emotional support that i dont feel i can give her anymore

[BerneseMtnMom]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but from the history you cite, the family troubles started long ago, and no one is really willing or able to call out unacceptable behavior.  I have found that people will not accept reality if that reality requires changes on their part.  It really hurts to have your family forsake you.  I am in this situation and it really hurts, especially around the holidays. 

[Markclo1]

Yes there are several generations of dysfunction in my family going back to my grandfather. Even in recent years, i have been finding things out about him i didnt know. I discovered recently that before i was born he disappeared for 2.5 years and apparently nobody knew where he was. Seems unlikely to me, they must have some idea where he was but he did show up again at the front door one day and my grandmother took him back. These things have been covered up for years. About 10 years ago my fathers youngest brother did commit suicide, and even that didnt force them to address their issues. At this point it does seem very unlikely that they ever will. Fortunately my wifes family are more stable, they have their issues like all families do but they are not crazy dysfunctional. Growing up, my grandfather was presented as a cuddly warm hearted kind of guy, it seems obvious now thats not who he was. Instead he was an alcholic, verbally abusive and a bully, and potentially a serial adulterer.

[Markclo1]

One additional question i had is are there any books you can recommend on healing from growing in a family like this? I have defineltly been made the scapegoat for being the one who called out all of the dyfunction described above

[Markclo1]

One of the things I have been dealing with this past few weeks is the painful reality that a reconciliation with my sister and others in my family is looking very unlikely. I had accepted that regarding my father but am now having to accept it about the rest of my family with maybe the exception of my mum. I am doing ok, my wifes family are great and i have lots of supportive friends around. This acceptance process is very difficult though, 20 years ago its not how i would have envisaged my life working out. My sister and the rest of the family dont seem to want any kind of relationship with me  if i keep brining these issues up with my father. They'd rather just brush everything under the carpet and pretend there are no problems, i just dont think i can do that. Does that make sense? My sister told me a few days ago that was no point in us talking regularly if i couldnt just accept that we see things differently. It just seems hopeless to me at this point. I have registered for counselling again in the New Year

[BerneseMtnMom]

I am sorry you had to come to this realization.  I had to come to this realization.  My family members have shown me they are willing to do my NPD sister's bidding.  All information will go back to my sister. She will use the information to hurt me.  I have concluded this situation is PERMANENT. I believe they do not want to talk about it and sweep it under the rug because they have been a part of enabling the bad behavior. 

You are not alone.  There are many others out here hurt by family members.

[bloomie]

Markclo1 - Something that was really helpful to me in my own healing and recovery journey was to recognize I had come from a disordered, or in my case, a narcissistic family system. There had been patterns of deep dysfunction in my own parent's relationship and those patterns went back generations.

The dysfunctional thinking, behaviors, paradigms for living had impacted every single member of our family. All of my siblings and myself in differing ways.

There came a point when, like you, I was pursuing a whole and healthy way of life that recognizes the atmosphere of abuse and risk we all grew up in. I was determined to end the patterns of toxic behaviors with my generation. Maybe I was always the odd one out, because as far back as I can remember having the ability to, I knew there was something really wrong with the way my parents behaved and treated us and I never wanted to be like them. I determined I would do whatever I could to live differently and raise my children in a astable, loving, reliable home where they were heard, loved, and respected.

As I processed and looked at the layers of our family system and the character issues of my own parents the first thing I had to overcome was an incredible wave of disloyalty and a belief that I had no right to speak the truth of what I had experienced and observed in my own life. The dominance and control and the punishment that I feared for no longer keeping their secrets and in any way tarnishing their image or having a different narrative were powerful. Even though I was only sharing in a therapist's office or with a close trusted mentor - very careful and discreetly - it was so hard to name my own reality.

With my sibs... one acknowledges the abuses and difficulties, but the trust between us will never be what siblings who have been raised in safety might have. One is so uncomfortable with even a mention of the abuses we all suffered I simply do not go there. And one sib I have no contact with as she has many of the abusive, narcissistic, raging characteristics of my parents.

We were all pitted against one another in such a way that we did not form a foundation of trust or cling together in the storm very often. It was more of everyone for themselves and get out of that home as soon as you can.

I say all of that to say that you may not be able to have the relationship and processing you want with your sister, but if there is something there to salvage and if respecting her stated wishes that she does not want to talk about it allows some kind of contact that is valuable to you, it may be possible as long as you do not see her as a place to find validation and healing.

You get to decide and so does she. The 'don't speak' or rug sweeping may be too hard or it all may be more than she can handle right now.

In terms of your mom... you are not responsible for a grown woman who has made their choices. She has had decades to heal and figure the betrayal she experienced at the hands of your father out for herself.

You can show her a reasonable level of support and your can suggest she spend time, like you are, talking with a trained professional, but as my favorite mantra here at Out of the FOG says...
"you didn't cause this, you can't cure this, you can't control this"

The only thing you can change and control and cure is simply and always yourself.

A book that was very helpful for me is: The Narcissistic Family by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Donald M. Pressman

It is not written for a layperson, pre se, but I was able to understand it and found it so helpful as they look at the very real similarities between a home ruled by alcoholism or addiction and a home ruled by Narcissism.

Another book that has been helpful to me is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson.

Keep doing the good work of healing you are doing. Keep coming back and sharing... it helps to lighten a heavy heart!

[Markclo1]

Thanks Bloomie, that is an incredibily helpful post. its only since i reached my early 40's that i have come to realise a lot of this about my family, is that a common experience for others. I would like a relationship with my sister but i think over the years a distance has grown between us so i doubt it will ever be the close relationship i would have liked, and as you say there are good reasons for that. I am able to see the big picture much more these days and im grateful for that, i am accepting that the dysfunctional ways of family go back a long long way and have caused a lot of strain on all of our family relationships. At the very least, i am determied to break the cycle so my own children do not have to suffer through any of this. Thanks for the book recommendations too

[Markclo1]

The latest on my situation is that my sister would now like to do family counselling. I am very unsure about this, and if its good idea or not. My father who has been the source of all the problems in the family will not take part, and from my sisters point of view, the counselling will not address his behaviour, but rather discuss the problems between me and her, My sister is the golden child of sorts, she  has been compliant with my fathers behaviour for many years and instead often placed the blame on me for standing up to him. There are other dynamics that make me nervous about this, like what happens if the counsellor doesnt understand well the dynamic in the family. Has anybody done this before and what did you think about it? Is there a  family counsellor that anybody would recommend? Thanks