Cannot. Stop. Crying. This is easier when your kids grow up, right?

[gfuertes]

For a few months, I've been on a slowly-accelerating roller coaster with my Narcissistic / Antisocial) ex. 

As short as I can make it:  His now-22-y-o son - and Golden Child - from a prior marriage ("SS2") lived with us throughout the marriage.  I was SS2's primary caregiver from the time he was 8.  SS2's mom lived far away and has some considerable issues, herself.  SS2 was challenging and acted out a lot, but is at heart a good kid.  He isn't doing terribly so far, as an adult, but he struggles on and off - dropped out of college, switches jobs a lot, manages $ poorly.  He's young.  He has time to grow. 

He's had fallings-out with both parents in the last couple years.  Four months ago, he told me he'd been in counseling, and needed space temporarily.  I haven't seen or heard from him since, but I text him periodically and they're always marked "read."  I suspect he may have been advised to go No Contact with one or both parents, and that it might be difficult if he maintains contact with the rest of us.

During those 4 months, Ex has slowly worked himself to a fever pitch, insisting SS2 is missing, and probably dead.  Mostly, I've viewed this as attention-seeking, and a way to avoid thinking about the fact that his own behavior has contributed to SS2 wanting distance.  But at one point, Ex became livid that I didn't share his fears.  He claimed to be suspicious that *I* had done something to SS2.  I feared if he'd become that irrational, he might hurt me or my older kids.  And this past week, as Ex has involved police and extended family members, who reached out to me, it became confusing, trying to understand which concerns were factual, which were guesses, and to what extent multiple people were corroborating the same info., and to what extent they were repeating info that came from Ex.  I had some real cognitive dissonance:  I continued to intellectually think SS2 was fine, and didn't want contact, and to see that there were wild inconsistencies and outright lies among what Ex had told people.  The efforts to find SS2 had become violations of his privacy.  But I also began feeling worried for his safety, and guilty because I wasn't feeling or behaving like a parent with a missing child should.  I felt hesitant to post on social media, or involve my friends, because I wasn't sure if this was real, and I didn't want to be melodramatic.  And that seemed downright heartless and narcissistic, if there were a chance SS2 were actually missing.

And then SS2 posted on social media to please stop circulating "Missing" fliers and leave him alone, that he was fine.  And he called his aunt (who'd put her # on the flier,) and that was the end of it.  And I was relieved to be sure he really was OK...but also all over the place, emotionally, about the fact that I had gotten sucked into it at the end.  That kind of drama is what I am MOST happy to be done with, but apparently I am still wide open for manipulation.  And it's exhausting.  It eats up my time.  And then I eat up more time processing it, like I am right now.

And I figured Ex would have a hard time facing the fact that SS2's OK and just doesn't want to talk to him.  I felt sad for him, that he needs the skills to be introspective about ways he's hurt SS2, and the ability to apologize; but he only has the skills to deal with a tragic emergency, so he tried to create one.  But apparently I was wrong.  Ex has been largely ignoring our S3 for months, skipping parenting time, and doing nothing with him when he has it.  But tonight S3 came home from Ex's bursting with excitement about the extra parenting time Ex told S3 I had agreed to give him (Ex hasn't even brought this up to me,) and all the fun things they're going to start doing.  Camping every weekend!  I signed S3 up for a local (midwestern) ski outing tomorrow, with his Scout troop?  Well, Ex is going to start regularly taking him skiing in Colorado!  Suddenly all the things S3 normally does at home are boring, unhealthy, and he wants to try new things.

Ex's Golden Child broke up with him, so he has just flipped the switch toward S3.  And now he wants to compete with me, to be Most Fun Parent.  And I'm still catching my breath, from the last roller coaster.  I am
Tapped
The F---
Out.

I know there are lots of rational things to say, here, but I'm just overwhelmed, hence the crying.  Why did I ever invite this into my life?  I wish Ex would go back to prison, and just disappear.  I hate him.  And I don't hate anybody.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you went through such a distressing situation, gfuertes. About one month ago, one of my adult children had a mental health crisis, and it wasn't clear at the time (and still is somewhat unclear) what had actually happened and what the cause was. Although the details were different than what you and your family experienced, I think I can relate to the feelings of not knowing what is true and what isn't and the general anxiety. I'm sorry your ex behaved erratically and is continuing to not be a good parent.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Sadly, I can totally relate gfuertes!! My PDexH and father of my children is also diagnosed ASPD and NPD.

I know it doesn't help much right now but I promise, over time and with practice, this stuff will get easier!!
The dramatic episodes involving you (and possibly children too) will decrease in regularity as you cease to be his main supply. When the drama does happen, you will be less and less reactive and less likely to get upset or caught up. Patterns will develop. Eventually, you will just say to yourself, "Yup, scenario X is happening again. Oh well." and enact the necessary procedures.

In the meantime, focus on your positives!!
-You know your (step)child well and all your instincts regarding them proved correct. It might take time to build up confidence, but this is very clear evidence that 1. you are a good mom! and 2. you can trust your intuition. (About exH and about children) Yay for you! Hopefully, this means over time, you will doubt yourself less.
-Unless you argued publicly, or melted down in front of your ex, you probably were not a gratifying source of supply at all. That makes it less likely that he will attempt to draw you into future shenanigans. Of course, he will probably use you forever as a way to ensnare others by making up any number of stories to play victim, draw sympathy or generate attention. That's just how it is. (Remember, anyone who believes him will either figure it out themselves or their opinion will never matter to you anyway.) Eventually, this too will just be more "meh" or "Oh well."  You handled things in this particular scenario (externally) like a boss and did everything right! Big YAY for you!!! 

Regarding S3... I suspect the extra attention directed to the new GC will quickly become too much effort to maintain (if it even gets past the talk stage).
It might feel like competition, but frankly, as the more sane and stable and consistent parent, you have already won. Kids see through bling and insincerity much more than is apparent in the moment. They DO know the difference!!
If exH is going to start taking his full share of parenting time, be sure to enjoy some extra self care or treat yourself a bit! Seriously! Use it as time to recharge and renew. Just let him go ahead and exhaust himself playing Dad Of The Year. In my experience it is unlikely to last long since any supply generated by it is short lived.

Have you considered whether to allow any of the "extra" parenting time he is now so keen on?
With my ex, this became a new point of manipulation (I now owed him return favors for the extra parenting he was doing. Now he should have to pay less child support, right?) and a new source of supply. (He was telling victim stories to others about why he had to take the poor kids on their mother's time. Or he was playing the SuperDad role to impress a new boss, girlfriend etc. )
It was so much harder on my kids too, when my ex flipped from "extra" time and effort, back to his usual apathy and neglect. I learned that sticking to the agreements was best. In the short term, it meant being the "mean mommy" sometimes (to both ex and to kids) but it a consistency of routine and expectations into my kids' lives that paid off in the longer term.

[gfuertes]

Thank you both for responding.  BeautifulCrazy, while I'm sorry you've had similar experiences, it was so reassuring to read what you said.  Getting sucked into this last drama, then realizing it was largely or entirely manufactured, made me question my own sanity a bit.  But you're right - I should focus on the fact that my instincts were appropriate from the beginning, and that I remained calm with everyone, throughout.  Plus, I didn't get sucked in, until it got so out of hand that a police inspector believed SS2 was missing and endangered, a family member flew in from across the country to help look for him, etc.  It would have been very difficult to remain uninvolved at that point.

I'm also sure you're right about S3.  He's 13, and we've already experienced a cycle like you describe.  My concern is less that I won't be Most Fun Parent, because I don't think that ought to be a competition.  Of course I don't want S3 to stop enjoying normal things with me because Ex follows through on his pie-in-the-sky promises for a while.  But when I'm not frazzled and crying, I have faith that won't happen. 

It's more that I remember how Ex once seemed so extraordinarily charming, fun, interesting, loving, attentive, etc., to me.  Then suddenly he'd have some drama (which, back then, I would believe was real.)  All his attention and energy abruptly shifted to that.  I'd feel abandoned, but also ashamed for feeling that way, since his drama seemed so important.  So I'd be glad to help - because I cared about him, but also in hopes of getting back to "normal" with him.  Now I marvel at what I overlooked or excused because of that roller-coaster dynamic; and how enmeshed I let myself get, in aspects of his life that, later, were so hard to extricate myself from, even when I felt desperate to do so.  And I was an adult!  I don't want S3 to get distracted from his personal development and goals, by being the next target of Ex's skill at sucking all the air out of the room, and refocusing all energy on himself.

During the "SS2 is missing" drama, SS2's mom said Ex had called her (after years of no contact following an intense, high-conflict custody battle) and that he sobbed to her on the phone (over a scenario it turned out he'd invented.)  She said while they were dating and married, he never once cried.  If he was seeking narcissistic supply from SS2's mom, then he is scraping the bottom of his barrel for a source.  That's why I'd rather him go on semi-ignoring S3, not focus on him.

As far as the parenting time, we've been splitting every weekend, partly because of Ex's work schedule, which is due to change soon.  I won't agree to increasing his total amount of time, but I actually think shifting around his existing time, so we alternate weekends, would be better for everyone.  However, Ex trying to change our schedule by telling S3 what he wants, and claiming I already agreed to it, has been an ongoing issue.  So I plan to be a "pain" and refuse to change the schedule by using S3 as a go-between.  Ex will have to bring it up to me.

I can't believe your ex manages to paint himself to others as burdened, by receiving more parenting time.  What a personality.  Sigh.

[Penny Lane]

I am so sorry to hear all this. I'm glad that your SS is OK, and that you followed your instincts. I hope that next time this is a reminder that your instincts are much more reliable than anything your ex says.

This is all very overwhelming. You deserve a good cry over it!

I think you've gotten some very wise responses. I also think it's wise to worry about all that with your son. Your ex probably will try to use him as supply.

You can't stop your ex from doing this. Don't spin your wheels trying; you'll just end up spending more energy on him which is what he wants anyway.

What you can do is work on PD-proofing your son.

This means teaching him to recognize PD traits. Teaching him how to counteract them (the tools in the toolbox). And then model those behaviors around other people.

Teenagerhood is actually a great time to do this because teens often act like PDs even if they don't have one. So you can name the behavior, whether that's manipulation or gaslighting or whatever. You can say things like "I know I don't like spending time with people who treat me that way." You can talk about it when you watch tv together or if you see a politician exhibiting PD behavior.

You can let your son see you set boundaries, against his dad and other people, and especially with the other people you can talk about WHY you acted the way you did.

This won't save your son from his dad's behavior. But it will mitigate the long term impacts, and you can rest easy knowing you did everything you could.

[athene1399]

I completely understand the trying to figure out where the truth is. Sometimes BPDBM would tell us that SD was very upset about something and she was concerned for her. But then on our day to have SD she said she was fine. It was so confusing. We didn't know if we should ask SD more questions about what BM said she was upset over. We would feel lost and unsure of ourselves.

I am not sure if anyone suggested this, but maybe when you aren't sure if you ex is exaggerating or making up a scenario, work on using grey rock or medium chill (in the tool box).

I also agree with the person who suggested sticking to your current schedule whenever possible. When we started swapping days, it never worked out for us.

And with the "fun parent" thing, we did feel that too. BM is the impulsive "let's go away and do all this stuff tomorrow even though I can't afford it." I also feel that with her springing this on SD last minute, it eventually became stressful and overwhelming for her. Often she would tell her last minute "my family is doing x tonight so you should stay here instead of seeing dad". Also, exciting and fun all the time, in my opinion, can be stressful. It's a high on the roller coaster and I think after a while, the kids start to notice it's not alway a good thing to be doing random things unexpectedly or on short notice.

Our situation with BM improved after we were able to go NC when SD turned 19. It's been great. And the drama has decreased. Actually it has disappeared