Is this abuse?

[Amanita]

I have had a problematic relationship with my husband for our whole relationship. He's extremely controlling though not always in a direct way. Rather the explanation has always been that it is in regards to his anxiety. This makes it so that he has a tendency to make decisions mostly unilaterally or at least in a sort of coerced unilateral way and often without any input at all from me. For example, he would come home whenever and pretty much do whatever. It comes out in small things too like if we are fixing something together he won't listen to me when I recognize what is wrong and I have to wait until he gives up. Or when we clean the house, he'll get trapped in one room deciding to reorganize the cupboards instead of noticing that I am doing everything else. He does all this because it is what he deems is important and for some reason, he struggles to emphasize with everyone else.

It turns out that he has been serially unfaithful during our entire marriage. A year after that discovery he refused to talk about it at all and even claims he did nothing wrong because he thought we had an agreement (news to me). He will not let me talk about anything in regards to my needs or our relationship and rejects any suggestion I have to fix things preferring to do whatever he deems is the answer. In this case it would be not talk about it and let him be nice. However if I step out of line, he stonewalls, reflects blame or just avoids the situation with no hope of ever getting back to the conversation. There is never resolution. And if I seem too insistent (even in a kind way) then he just tells me to take it or leave it. No compromise.

It feels like we are in this cycle where I try to assert myself and then he does anything in his power including triggering my insecurities to shut me down. Then I go silent to keep them peace. Then he's nice for awhile before becoming increasingly agitated, sometimes acting depressed or dismissive until I get upset and try to assert myself again. Repeat cycle. This doesn't seem like a 'typical' abuse cycle so I'd like your opinion.

Also he has a tendency to ignore things. Ignore my direct requests (please call by 10), ignore my texts (are you coming home for dinner), and so forth. That said he is heaps nicer than he used to be where I could do literally nothing right ever.

I could really use some advice.

Thank you,
Amanita

[Poison Ivy]

Hi, Amanita. What would you like advice about?

[escapingman]

It sounds like abuse to me. Read up on everything in the toolbox and the resource section.

[1footouttadefog]

We cannot tell you what to do or diagnose. We can tell what we think based on your post

To that end he sounds very narcissistic and it seems you are being abused. 

You have. Come to the right place to begin sorting this out.  Stay here and read the stories and you will feel less alone.  Post and ask questions and know you are understood and not imagining things.

After many years here I will offer that it's unlikely he will change.  I will advise you that you cannot change him.  You can only work on you and how you conduct yourself and react to him. 

There is a toolbox section of this website.  Read there, it's so helpful.  I found it enlightinging to print out the 100traits list and mark those things I was experiencing.  It was an eye opener.  It also gave me language for what I was living with that seemed not right but hard to describe.  I then looked up the terms and learned more.

Many come here and open up an Pandora's box.  It's both helpful and painful to come out if the fog.  You may learn some difficult things about yourself and those around you.

Please practice holistic self care you need to be strong and healthy and chances are you have been sacrificing yourself to this relationship before you got here.

Take careof you, be healthy, be strong, you deserve it.

[Worthy of Care]

My husband has Avoidant Personality. I see things through those eyes, so I'm hyper-sensitive to those traits. Many of the things you describe about your H sound like they fall into that category.

Glad you are here and getting support. I echo what others have said, read in toolbox and resources. You are worthy of care and kindness. Give those to yourself.

[JustKeepTrying]

   To all of the above helpful posts.  You could have been describing my xOCPDh when you talk about those subtle ways he uses to destabilize you.  To keep you always on edge and questioning yourself.  Not to mention the infidelity.

It sounds like abuse to me - emotional abuse.  This is hard.  My husband was unfaithful and I forgave him.  More than twenty years ago.  I stayed in the marriage thinking the infidelity was my fault because we weren't having sex daily.  I was so completely in the FOG that I stayed in the marriage for 32 years. 

Read the toolbox through again and again.  The concepts were for me very hard to comprehend until I was able to take a step back and objectively look at the marriage.  Then using the tools like grey rock and medium chill I began to really develop stronger boundaries. 

Also, consider therapy.  It may take several tries until you find someone you like but a therapist can help you sort it out.  Help you work with the tools.  I did and it was the best decision - although I went through a few before I found someone I clicked with.

We are here for you.   

[Amanita]

Thank you for the replies. I have been reading the toolbox and negotiating a way to have space away from the relationship so I can think more clearly. The signs of problems have been many throughout the years but I just didn't know they were really problems and excused them as idiosyncratic behaviour.