They can't do anything on their own!

[Writingthepain]

my npd mom has started getting me to 'help' her in the house aged 4, ten years later and i was running the house, my life and hers. Including answering the telephone and accompanying her everywhere! I ended up doing this to avoid a screaming abusive tantrum from her. These days she unable to make herself coffee without needing 'help' to do it, can't even google (when it suits her) without help, she's good at breaking down tasks into 'just jobs': just do this, now just this for me, then just this for me, now if you can just do this...
Of course if i object i'm being unreasonable because ' i'm just asking you to do this one small thing and you won't even do that for your own mother!'
She's had several cleaners walk out and refuse to clean her house, because as well as wanting them to clean her house she also expected them to wait on her while they were there, pick up that pen i just dropped, make me coffee etc.
In her working life of course she's super efficient!
I wonder if other people find this... when forced to do things herself my mom will make as much noise as possible, complain loudly about what she's doing and then afterwards say that she's so worn out by that, that everyone else now has to wait on her to make up for it. She also can't find anything without help, even when the item is right in front of her, she needs someone to come and physically point it out!

[mary_poppins]

"I wonder if other people find this... when forced to do things herself my mom will make as much noise as possible, complain loudly about what she's doing and then afterwards say that she's so worn out by that, that everyone else now has to wait on her to make up for it."

YES. Mother is the same. She makes a lot of noise if she needs to do things by herself.
When I sprained my ankle, I couldn't take her dog out anymore. I told her I wouldn't do it. Boy did she make a lot of noise. She kept complaining that she had to do that on her own and she can't, bla bla. And why am I stubborn and don't want to help her. Horrible woman. She had zero empathy for me in that state (swollen ankle and unable to walk).

[p123]

In my experience , unfortunately as I'm a feminist I have to say ,  it's been the females .

Ha ha you should my Dad. At 58 years of age when he got divorced he refused to get a washing machine in his new place because "its womens work". Really. Hes 87 now and has NEVER done his own laundry. He got his older sister, brother wife etc.

He asked me once or twice - I mostly say no. The one time he kept saying "say thank you to x (my wife) for doing it". When I told him it was me that bunged it in the washing machine (not going to submit by wife to his laundry!) he was horrified that I had done it.

[p123]

"I wonder if other people find this... when forced to do things herself my mom will make as much noise as possible, complain loudly about what she's doing and then afterwards say that she's so worn out by that, that everyone else now has to wait on her to make up for it."

YES. Mother is the same. She makes a lot of noise if she needs to do things by herself.
When I sprained my ankle, I couldn't take her dog out anymore. I told her I wouldn't do it. Boy did she make a lot of noise. She kept complaining that she had to do that on her own and she can't, bla bla. And why am I stubborn and don't want to help her. Horrible woman. She had zero empathy for me in that state (swollen ankle and unable to walk).

Yep been there.... We went through some really bad times with our teen son who has Aspergers. It was tough on all the family - had to watch him constantly....

When I told Dad I couldnt visit once or twice he went into a massive sulk and say "What about me!!!!"

[chubes]

I resonate with this whole thread. My mom is just like this. While my father was alive he handled almost everything. She has never filed her own taxes even though the process is pretty straight forward and she could simply follow her filing from the previous year (not from the US). He always had to bring her vehicle in for servicing for her even though its just dropping the vehicle off and then picking it up later. The dealer provides transportation. This would inconvenience him as he would have to leave his vehicle home and drop her off at work and then drop off her vehicle and be without a vehicle the entire day until hers was ready. Now that he has passed she seems to have gotten worse yet she has created this narrative about herself being independent simply because she pays the bills that he used to pay and does the groceries. But there are so many things that she should be doing for herself that she now asks me to do. She has her own car but refuses to drive to any place that is new even if its easy to get to and has plenty of parking. She still won't file her own taxes. She gets flustered any time she has to make a decision that is bigger than what to cook. Tasks that she has performed countless times she will ask me every single time how to do it. And she doesn't listen when I explain because she knows she can just ask me again the next time and not have to retain the information I'm giving her.

It's tax season here in my country and we just filed today. The tax office requires a note from the home-owner explaining any repairs that were done on the home that you are claiming for. I specifically asked if she had prepared this before we went to file. She said it wasn't necessary. When we got there the agent informed her that it in fact was and handed her a blank sheet of paper to write something out. I stood there and watched as my mother's hands started shaking and it took over 5 minutes for her to finally put pen to paper just to state what repairs were done at HER home. Like you know what was done why are you so scared to write?!? And in the end I still had to feed her lines to write. I feel bad because I get annoyed with her and her lack of confidence. I feel like at her age she should be more capable and not be so scared. Like come on you're a grown woman. But then I feel resentful because it then falls on me. My siblings aren't there to help and so it's always me. I hate it.

[p123]

CHUBES - I know exactly how you feel. Its so infuriating when you've got your own stuff to do, and they refuse to do stuff that they are perfectly capable of.
I call it "Can't be arsed old age".

With Dad its even worse, he won't do anything that he considers "womens work". This includes washing your own clothes (he doesnt have a washing machine). At the moment, all his minging clothes get washed by brothers wife. Hes asked me in the past TO ASK MY WIFE TO DO IT but I've said no way Jose. Note, he asks me to ask my wife not me... The 1950s never ended in my Dads head.

Dad would never do his taxed EVER EVER EVER. Luckily in the UK, most people dont need to do it. He gets letters from the bank now with at the top "Changes to Terms and Conditions". He saves them for me to visit and says "whats this for?". I say "Changes to Terms and Conditions" and hes say "ah ok". Crazy or what?