Deep hatred borderline and narcissistic

[Justwannalove]

My wife of 25+ years has been diagnosed with BPD, and I'm pretty sure she also has NPD.   She's in denial, and thinks I'm the one who's very troubled. 

I've noticed that hatred is the underlying message of a lot of things she says to me. Things are said to tear me down, and make me feel inferior to her. She will make totally baseless claims, and there is no way to get her to see the actual me.

I've taken to forcefully rejecting these attempts to make me hate myself.  I can't change her deep inner wounds, heck I can't even get her to acknowledge them, but I can scare her into leaving me alone.

Realizing the depth of her sickness certainly makes me wonder about continuing. Especially as she's totally in denial. Getting her to see the actual me is like asking her to fly. I just stare into dead eyes.

Just wondering if this experience resonates with others, and what you think of my crazy approach.

[Poison Ivy]

What do you mean by "forceful" and "scare"? I'm wondering if you're making physical threats toward your wife.

[Justwannalove]

No, never. But louder than normal and calling her clearly on the cruelty.

[bat123]

Hi, Justwannalove.  It sounds like you are finding your own voice and beginning to state your truth.  That's a step in the right direction.  But any attempts to change your spouse, make her see the real you, or treat you better are bound to fail.  I try to state my truth once and move on.  It's very difficult to do, but it's my goal.  You can only manage your own reactions—you'll never make a PD person see things differently.  For those of us in these relationships, we usually have our own self-esteem and codependency issues.  We will only heal if we work on that stuff.  We need to do the inner work on ourselves, and learn to love ourselves.  If you can do that,  you'll realize you really don't need to plead your case to anyone else.  You are enough.

[Justwannalove]

Yes, I am finally dealing with my issues after decades of hers sucking all the oxygen.  I recognize that I am codependent due to essentially mommy issues.  I'm intellectually aware that she' unable to change, but emotionally still very invested in getting her to see and own her darkness. Maybe it's a final attempt to reconnect, time will tell. I'm way less afraid of ending this adventure, but still not there yet.

Thanks for the response ♥️

[Boat Babe]

Hi justwannalove. We hear you. Coming Out of the FOG is a wonderful thing, I truly believe this. It's also a lonely, scary and naked place, for the first part anyway. It is a form of rebirth for many people. Like all of is, your intellectual grasp of your situation is way ahead of your emotional state. Fix in your mind to focus on your emotional health, to learn the simple techniques, habits and practices of a peaceful heart. It's on the work of a lifetime but it's all the only game in town.  See you on the boards.

[GentleSoul]

My wife of 25+ years has been diagnosed with BPD, and I'm pretty sure she also has NPD.   She's in denial, and thinks I'm the one who's very troubled. 

I've noticed that hatred is the underlying message of a lot of things she says to me. Things are said to tear me down, and make me feel inferior to her. She will make totally baseless claims, and there is no way to get her to see the actual me.

I've taken to forcefully rejecting these attempts to make me hate myself.  I can't change her deep inner wounds, heck I can't even get her to acknowledge them, but I can scare her into leaving me alone.

Realizing the depth of her sickness certainly makes me wonder about continuing. Especially as she's totally in denial. Getting her to see the actual me is like asking her to fly. I just stare into dead eyes.

Just wondering if this experience resonates with others, and what you think of my crazy approach.

I very much relate to this.  I think when we first find our voice it is initially hard to know where to pitch it.

What level.  I am going through this.  It starts are too loud but is finding the healthy middle ground.

It is a new skill to use so will take practice to get it at right place for us as an individual.

[downwiththefog]

I also find this topic and the OP resonating with my experience.

I tried to end my relationship of 30 years by presenting her with divorce papers but she convinced me to to try again and accepted to goto couple therapy.
Therapy ended in she quitting because she couldn't take it anymore.
Nowadays she is always resentful and withdraws affection. Every opportunity is good for reminding me of what a 'bastard' I am for having attempted to divorce.

[Mary]

I'm intellectually aware that she' unable to change, but emotionally still very invested in getting her to see and own her darkness.

Yep, heart knowledge takes longer than head knowledge. Others on these boards have taught me not to waste that emotional energy--invest it in other healthier things.

Mary

[Wardog]

I can highly relate to what you're going through.  I don't think being verbally aggressive with her is gong to help at all, and could possibly just feed into an  "everybody is persecuting me" narrative for her. My uNPD wife is very much the same. From talks with my counselor, and my own readings, I've learned that the hate you see and feel, is her own self-hatred being projected onto you.  By making you miserable, she can feel a little better about herself, at least for a little while. If you are planning on "hanging in there," like me, you must realize that the hurtful things she says, and her attempts to make you hate yourself are not based in reality, but are a product of her inner pain, her self-delusion, and her self-loathing. You can no longer trust her for support and validation. She is not capable of these things. 

There are a lot of good resources for dealing with this problem, starting with the "Toolbox" here at Out of the FOG. "Medium Chill" is the most effective technique I've found so far.  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" is one of the most popular guidebooks, and is focused on BPD. I'm hoping you have a trusted friend or relative for a support person.  It can help a lot.  Maybe you could also find a counselor to help you work out how to deal with her, and work out your own issues also. 

[sunshine702]

Yes this resonates.  My partner has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Recently we are dealing with a very stressful for me move.  To be honest I don't understand a lot about the disorder.   My mom's Narcisim and triangulation I understand very well.  Yes I think they feel very unhappy with themselves like an imposter in their skin and lash out at you with deep anger over very small things.  It's projection.  My partner is medicated and that helped with the depression a bit but he is ultra moody lately.  Lashing out at me over small moving details.  He starts fights by small looks on my face when he will abruptly ask WHY.  Lots of ways to take that and with my mom I take everything as negative then he lashes out that he was just asking a question.

I am honestly thinking of trying one of those communication app like Lovingly.  Our communication is a 2. 

[Mary]

So sorry you are experiencing this projection. It can be very confusing! 
Mary

[tommom]

Just another book suggestion I found most helpful (I have been with my PD for 51 years in May). It has helped me get through and taught me how to defend and protect myself. It is called "How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist". It is incredibly helpful, or has been for me. Wish you the best

[sunshine702]

Yes this resonates.  My partner has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Recently we are dealing with a very stressful for me move.  To be honest I don't understand a lot about the disorder.  My mom's Narcisim and triangulation I understand very well.  Yes I think they feel very unhappy with themselves like an imposter in their skin and lash out at you with deep anger over very small things.  It's projection.  My partner is medicated and that helped with the depression a bit but he is ultra moody lately.  Lashing out at me over small moving details.  He starts fights by small looks on my face when he will abruptly ask WHY.  Lots of ways to take that and with my mom I take everything as negative then he lashes out that he was just asking a question.

I am honestly thinking of trying one of those communication app like Lovingly.  Our communication is a 2. 

I forgot I wrote this in 2022.
2024 moved out wow