I have filed

[escapingman]

 

Thanks to this community including all you wonderful people I finally found the strength to file! Now the real battle will start.

Thank you all!

[Starboard Song]

It doesn't ever feel quite correct to celebrate this moment. But dammit, you have found the strength and the courage to do something important for you and for your children. It is a path towards a better life for -- perhaps -- many people. So congratulations to you.

And yes: keep your wits about you. This really will be hard. But now you are doing and going to get done with a hard thing. And that is a worthy goal, and better than fretting over a hard thing never ventured at.

Well done, you.

[losingmyself]

Good for you!
Stay here, all the great people here have your back!
I recommend the book Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger. It should help you know what to expect and how to cope.
Keep your chin up and stay strong. So proud of you

[Boat Babe]

Wow. Well done

I think your biggest battle, the one against the FOG, is actually behind you now.  You have endured such emotional turmoil these last few months as you grappled with guilt, shame, confusion and fear. Now you know what you are doing, that it is THE RIGHT THING for you and your girls and that it is going in one direction only.

My feeling about your stbx is that the may rage but she is much more likely to go down the victim/waif road, specially where the children are concerned. So have yourself a list of her most excessive and toxic behaviours to hand, at all times, to remind you not to cave in to the inevitable pity party that will ensue.

One foot in front of the other EM.

[Poison Ivy]

This is good news.

[square]

Congratulations on such a brave move, I am in awe.

[escapingman]

In the end I decided to just go for it without even telling her, it won't make any difference anyway. Let's see how she reacts when she gets the paperwork, but it's not my problem and nothing I can do anything about so I just leave that. From now on she can talk to my solicitor, any practial things with the kids can be sorted by email or messages. It hasn't really sunk in yet, but I am already starting to feel liberated.

[square]

I'm sure she will demand you to explain whyyyyyyy.

The catch is that she will not accept any explanation. It's a JADE trap. Don't bother.

[pushit]

I agree with Starboard Song that it doesn't feel quite right to celebrate someone filing for divorce, but sometimes when you're faced with two bad options you have to choose the least bad option.  So, kudos to you for being bold and making this move.  And in all reality, filing to end an abusive situation is not a bad option, it's the first step to creating a better life for you and your kids and that should be celebrated.

Yes, keep things in writing, and keep communication between the attorneys.  That buffer will help you greatly in keeping your head on straight during the storm.

I've said this before but I'll say it again.  Be prepared for anything, the PD will not go quietly.  When I filed - the amount of her attacks through her attorney and the kids, juxtaposed by her hoovering was unreal and it was very stressful never knowing what to expect.  But looking back now there was absolutely nothing to it, just noise.  Not a single thing that my exPDw did in the early days of our divorce had a lasting effect on the outcome. 

Keep your eye on the prize and don't let anything make you doubt yourself or change course.  Be the strong and stable one for your kids, and don't be hard on yourself if you aren't the greatest parent at times.  I certainly had my bad moments, it's very hard to always remain calm during the turmoil.  The kids will figure things out and become happier quicker than you think, so just be there for them.  The rough times will pass and eventually you'll all be happier than you could have imagined.

[JustKeepTrying]

I agree with all of the above.

What a brave move and it stinks it has to happen.  Be prepared for the martyr/waif/poor poor me routine.  My ex did that and many many people bought it.

Here is to peaceful days in your future!

[escapingman]

STBX  is now into day 3 if the silent treatment of me and SG. Sad thing is how she involves GC on her side. Reality will hit her hard soon.

[Joga]

Good for you EM! Do you know when she will be served with the papers? Do you plan to stay in the home or get a place of your own? No matter what happens and how hard it is, let the knowledge that you are doing right by your children be your strength.

[escapingman]

Good for you EM! Do you know when she will be served with the papers? Do you plan to stay in the home or get a place of your own? No matter what happens and how hard it is, let the knowledge that you are doing right by your children be your strength.

Solicitor says about a week, but she suggests that she should send an email beforehand telling STBX what's going on and suggest her to be part of the process. The good thing with this is I can say exact when this would be done, probably tomorrow or Friday, and be out of the house when it happens. I will wait and see the reaction from her if she leaves or not, I would prefer if she left, but if she doesn't I will have to leave. My scapegoated girl keeps asking me if we can move (unaware if the filing) as she can't stand being in the house with two bullies, at the moment I am fighting a lost battle with the golden child. I have found a couple of suitable places in the right area if we need to go, but to be honest I rather live in a shed than like this.

[hhaw]

EM:
You'll feel better, stronger and more like yourself sooner by limiting and hopefully ending contact with the stbx.

You shouldn't have to hear her voice.  All contact needs to be text or OFW so it's documented and non intrusive to your Nervous System.

You'll be modeling self care and healthy boundaries for your children with these decisions.  Remember, enforcing boundaries is just as important as stating boundaries.  Don't allow stbx to inch over the first boundary, bc ....you send the message it's a matter of when, not if, you'll give in.

Expect her to escalate and don't hesitate to enforce every boundary and consequence stbx brings on herself.

You can't save the stbx, but you can save yourself and your children..... you're obligated to, so no hesitation.

And keep breathing.  I'm so relieved for ((SG.))

[escapingman]

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot for me!

Next step is to physically separate from STBX, it is unbearable to be in the same house as her. I will give her the opportunity to leave first, but if she doesn't I will have to leave, SG has already begged me to leave not knowing what I am up to. The house is a war zone at the moment, this even before STBX knowing I have filed, she is into day 4 of silent treatment of SG and me, she only speak to either when she feel the urge to complain about something. What saddens me is that she is constantly complaining to GC about both of us having her joining in on STBX's side. I keep asking GC if she wants to be part of things I and SG do but she just screams in my face to F*** O**. I try to stay positive with her an joke, but I can't do more than wait for her to hopefully come round. SG is so wise for her age, she knows what her mum is doing and she told me into details about what is happening, she told me her mum won't speak to her until she apologise, and when she apologise her mum will feel validated that she was right and therefor see no fault in her behaviour, and then do the same again next time she make something up. I just love that girl.

I am so glad I filed, I can't believe I did it in the end.

[SonofThunder]

Congrats to you Escapingman!  🙌🏼

I look forward to reading on this thread, about your continued forward movement.  Thoughts and prayers for your determination of steady unfolding, forward-movement plans, while you utilize the Out of the FOG toolbox and the law to its fullest extent.

SoT

[escapingman]

It's frustrating to watch, but being Out of the FOG is bliss. Exactly as per the script, the started speaking to SG again, and whilst GC desperately tried to to pick more fights to get STBX on her side she was painted black and now the roles are temporary switched and GC is SG and SG is GC. Me and SG could see this coming and we talked about it, she is aware. But poor GC has no clue, she is completely in the FOG and I just don't know how to save her. She is behaving in the way she got positive attention yesterday, but today it doesn't work as STBX has changed the rules.

I have had a lot of feelings today following the filing, I am sad, upset and feel bad about the coming divorce. But, I just have to remind myself that whilst I have all those feelings, there is nothing I can do to change STBX or the situation and it is 100% down to her that I have filed. It is not possible to live in the complete chaos that she has created, all I can do is sit and watch, as soon as I try to interfere GC screams at me. I can't tell her off as STBX stands behind me smirking and laughs. When SG misbehaves, I can't tell her off either as she gets a panic attack that STBX would overhear me telling her off and come and tell her off as well.

I am so glad I found this community, I would never have been where I am without you all.

[losingmyself]

We all take great joy in seeing one of our online friends finally get their lives back, whether it's through leaving, or finding a better way to stay. We are truly pulling for you, and wish the best for you and your girls. And I think we all also hope that your STBX will find a way to get herself the help she needs, but that, as always, has to be on her.
I wonder if there's a book that you can get for your girls that would help them understand what is going on with their Mom. That way, it doesn't come from you, and they can't say they were influenced by you. They can read it privately, or maybe just parts of it. All on their own time. Unfortunately, I don't know if one exists, but I'm going to guess there's one out there. They must be so confused. 
Maybe one of your Out of the FOG friends has a recommendation.
As always, stay strong and follow your path

[hhaw]

We all take great joy in seeing one of our online friends finally get their lives back, whether it's through leaving, or finding a better way to stay. We are truly pulling for you, and wish the best for you and your girls. And I think we all also hope that your STBX will find a way to get herself the help she needs, but that, as always, has to be on her.
I wonder if there's a book that you can get for your girls that would help them understand what is going on with their Mom. That way, it doesn't come from you, and they can't say they were influenced by you. They can read it privately, or maybe just parts of it. All on their own time. Unfortunately, I don't know if one exists, but I'm going to guess there's one out there. They must be so confused. 
Maybe one of your Out of the FOG friends has a recommendation.
As always, stay strong and follow your path

EM:

I'll remind you of the book suggestion The Parallel Process....... it's a really helpful book when dealing with struggling kids, IME. Lots of good information to keep educating yourself for the times to come, which is an empowering act..... it's EVERYTHING, IME.

I have Cliff Notes from another poster on this board.....if I can find the thread, I'll post it here.  Anyone know how to find those notes on the Parenting Board?

About feeling bad or guilty....... just notice it as it goes by and try not to grab hold of it.  Those feelings belong, are a part of you, but they aren't YOU.  They aren't helpful at this point either.  They're counterproductive and you're growing past the reactivity and denial that brought you to this place.

You're hear bc the stbx is broken, can't do any better and you're the only parent capable of protecting the children. Your stbx WOULD DO IT, if she could.  She can't and that's why you're doing it.  Acceptance and forgiveness are friends...... but you can't forget.  backsliding into denial might relieve discomfort for a moment or a day, but it'll set you back and hinder your ability to help the kids, IME. I'll keep repeating the things I think we all struggle with..... as long as I think you need to hea it, be supported by it..... until you internalize it and make friends with it.  I will.

Never forget......the PD's action brought your family to this place of intervention.   You're intervening in the harm and trauma and trauma bonding..... the manipulations and alienation.....the bullying..... the cruelty and the abuse cycle.

You're the only one who can stop it, bring attention to it and inject help and healing into it...... to change it and install softer, healthier softwear in your childrnen's Nervous Systems and chests....... show them something other than the dysfunction they now think of as "normal" interpersonal relations.

That's you, Mate.  You're up and you have the power to change things.  Even when you lose a battle, remember....... the truth, evidence and perseverence....... keeping your goals in mind...... depending on your support system to get you back on track when you veer off....... it's a long war and small skirmishes will feel like they're life or death, but they aren't.  There will be good days and bad days.... an attorney said that to me, once.  He didn't know me.  He was sitting in on one of my trial days..... he knew someone who knew me..... I'd worked in an attorney office once....... I knew many attorneys....... and he just wanted to give me something helpful and I wish I could have understood and internalized that ONE thing, when he said it.

There will be good and bad days...... the PD will say things, allege things, write things, send things and file things designed to send you off the deep end...... what is it you say?  She'll want you to tell her off, tell her attorney off, yell, write things, say things she's recording and you're going to remember hhaw and the anonymous attorney who TOLD her how it is........
there will be bad days you feel you're losing, bc the PDs always manage to convince some dumb bunny by spouting off triggering stories (that make sense) but aren't true.

Remember...... it takes evidence and consistent truth telling to win the war, IME.  You'll do that and you'll have the chance to explain any yelling you've done or telling off of anyone, bc anyone would lose it under your circumtances.

That you've been more patient, more committed to restoring peace and placating your stbx is a strength.  Stoicism doesn't serve us when we allow abuse to escalate and claim our children too, but I understand it and give your permission to lay down the stoicism...... now. 

It's OK to tell.  It's good and right and leading to joy.... leading to happiness to feel the sun on your face again.... soon.

You'll be mired in legals and trial prep and organizing evidence as you continue to collect it, sure, but there will also be moments of researching and planning new holiday rituals with your children. There will be outings and opportunities to model patience with GC...... and I hope you can gain enough spaciousness to notice it without reacting to it with anger or sadness or pain, bc you have the choice to simply SEE it and sit with it, sans judgment so you can be more responsive for both your children and yourself.

If you can avoid being swept up in fear and sadness and pain..... you have more choice and are more available to respond. 

Something to think about....... accepting there will be bad days...... knowing you'll have plenty of chances to disprove the negatives and you WILL do so.  Don't let yourself get dragged off course without remembering that's the way of these things.  You'll recover from the adrenaline dump and fear and do what you can do to respond to the allegations.  It's how these things work.  Nothing new and I hope it doesn't blind side you as often as it could....when it does, forgive yourself and be so very gentle...... administer self compassion until it becomes your new default.  Esp when you feel you've failed to remember something. 

Forgetting is how these things go and we learn through it...... pain is a quick teacher.

In the meantime.... remember, you need all your energy for yourself and your girls.  You don't have it to give to the PD, esp when she's demanding it and lashing as a ploy to get you to forget your mission....... she'll likely manipulate one or 2 people in this, but it's good to remember.... she can't fool everyone all the time.  Esp since you're been documenting as you have. 

So come back to the board when things go off the rails.  Going off the rails is going to be normal for a bit, I'm afraid.  Maybe come up with a mantra for the scariest shocks........ something to do instead of going so far off the rails........ eventually it gets easier to pull things back on track, so trust that. 

Just trust things will get less scary.  The unknown is always scary to all humans.  Mitigate the shocks and fear with deep breathing... and when you can't push on door jambs till you can.  End showers with cold water every morning and keep breathing...keep breathing, always, EM.

[square]

I wouldn't give your kids any labels for mom - not PD or anything else.

Just strategies, and I wouldn't label them either. Like teach MC without using that word, noJADE without using the acronym, etc.

Imho