I have filed

[escapingman]

She has been notified about the divorce and that I have filed, so far she is walking around pretending to be happy. She took a call so I assume she has got in contact with a solicitor. I really hope she has and it is a decent one, if so they hopefully keep her in check and suggest her to not contest it. All I can do for now is hope, it's not something I can control (the 3 c's), but as long as she stays calm I am happy. But we all know how quick a PD can change the game.

[IsleOfSong]

This is huge. It's really happening for you!

Stay the course and be ready for anything. The less you engage, the better. The minimalistic BIFF communication style, advocated by Bill Eddy, will serve you well. Keep us posted....

[Boat Babe]

Deep breaths my friend.

[escapingman]

She came in to me and started some small talk and then suddenly sarcastically thanked me for the letter she received. I took a deep breath, decided to not defend myself or blame her so just said "that's ok". I have spent all afternoon breathing and calming myself down and realised, I don't need to explain myself to her. It's all in the divorce petition, her abuse, it's there in writing, nothing else matters.

And, yes I am breathing and doing no JADE.   

[escapingman]

She's gone Waif...... this is killing me.

[escapingman]

I have been crying, a lot..... I love her, I love her so much. She is the love of my life, or at least the imagination I have. But, it doesn't matter as I can't be hurt anymore. I am Out of the FOG and with the knowledge of what happened, she cannot help herself. She told me I deserve to be happy and this is not what she wants, it's not what I want either but I have no choice. I can't take any more of her abuse and I can't risk any more damage to my children. I need to just grind this out, however hard it will be.

[Poison Ivy]

I think it's okay to acknowledge your feelings: love for your wife, hurt from her behavior, and anything else.

[square]

We know you love her. Of course you do.

The situation was completely untenable. Is completely untenable.

[JustKeepTrying]

Love doesn't stop with divorce.  I've been divorced from my x and I still love him. Through all the abuse, I still loved him.  Of course you do.

And the emotions will swing.  Be ready for that.  One moment it's a deep cutting grief and another it's a high of freedeom and then on to something else.

All the advice is so valuable.  The advice about engagement was crucial for me.  It kept from being swept back in and I could see clearly what he was doing.  Pulling for you!

[pushit]

I have been crying, a lot..... I love her, I love her so much. She is the love of my life, or at least the imagination I have.

What you're feeling is totally normal.  I can tell you I went through a period of trying to wish back that person that I loved, and (I thought) loved me, but eventually I faced the reality that my exPDw is who she is.  And she isn't the person I thought she was when I married her.  Always remember that actions speak louder than words.  The reality is in your daily life with that person, not in your imagination. 

I can also tell you that your love for her doesn't necessarily end after you divorce.  You might go through periods of anger towards her about what happened, disappointment in yourself for getting sucked into a relationship with a PD, and periods of time where you're just sort of lost in it all and don't know what the next step is.  It's a whirlwind to go through, especially with kids involved.  But I can tell you from my experience that eventually you'll come out the other side and find that you can care about your exPDw, truly hope the best for her, but still know deep down that it's not your place in life to be her caretaker anymore. 

[escapingman]

Thanks all, I really appreciate all your support.

Before she went to bed yesterday she told me that she had been having such a good time being married to me. Words of course, but this one was not going in her favour with me. I have not had a great time, and if she base her great time on being able to have me as her punch bag she is spot on. That is what it has been, as soon as she has needed to vent her frustration for anything, I have been there being her personal punch bag, the one to load all shit on so she then can move on. She has been incredible nasty to me the last 2 weeks, turned the kids against me and laughed at me. But the same second she gets the notification of the divorce she first plays the victim and then is nice to me pretending we are a happy family. Predictable and sickening, makes me angry as all I wanted was for her to treat me with respect. But, I know whatever she says, it's only words. I know, if I ditch the divorce and tell her lets give it another chance, it will take a couple of weeks, maybe a month max, before the abuse starts again. I WILL NEVER GO THERE AGAIN!

[feralcat]

Sounds like you're really feeling  (justifiable and appropriate ) anger , EM. Use it, welcome it. It's energy.

I've just responded to a thread about repressed anger, in the Working On Us section. It's hard to even think clearly when you've been bought up to be 'nice'/caretake/ fix. To put yourself first - in order to be strong enough to be there for others. Especially when caught up in the madness of a Drama Triangle.

It's just a shame that some of us have to end up being pushed to the brink to see things as they really are.
Good luck

How are the kids ?

[SonofThunder]

Love doesn't stop with divorce.  I've been divorced from my x and I still love him. Through all the abuse, I still loved him.  Of course you do.

And the emotions will swing.  Be ready for that.  One moment it's a deep cutting grief and another it's a high of freedeom and then on to something else.

All the advice is so valuable.  The advice about engagement was crucial for me.  It kept from being swept back in and I could see clearly what he was doing.  Pulling for you!

Thoughts and prayers for steadfastness for you.     I believe this, and folks here who have the experience, validate it for me.   

SoT

[hhaw]

EM:


It might be time to tell the children you and mum are ending the marriage.....bc.....hmmm....what will you say?  If anything?

Because all the hostility between you and mum isn't healthy and it's in everyone's best interests to create peaceful environments without the conflict....maybe?

You'll tell them things will be different but fine.  Everyone will be ok.  You'll live them always and forever, no matter what.  All will be well then give them the speech about children not belonging in adult stuff bc they have their own stuff ...school, chores and discovery of their passions.  It's wrong for adults to include children in adult stuff and adults can find themselves in trouble for it when they're told it's wrong but keep doing it.

Maybe something short and inclusive....your mum and I will try not to make sad choices.  We'll try not to talk about adult stuff in your presence.  If we fail, you have permission to ignore what's said..... everyone is going to be ok.  I don't want you to worry about that.  I promise.

Maybe record it.  Maybe have the chat with stbx present too?

Maybe say something different, but I wouldn't allow stbx to control the narrative without doing some damage control and reassuring both girls.

Maybe it would be helpful to come up with a mantra to u say to yourself when stbx us sobbing? 

Not sure what.......
1. Hopefully you'll get the help you need.
2.  I tried and failed.  I can't fix you
Or 3.  One person can't make 4 people happy but 1 person can make 4 people miserable.

Be ready to call services if stbx threatens suicide. 

You might get the evidence you need to steer this divorce to it's best possible outcome with economy if motion so stay frosty, EM.

This too shall pass.

 

[escapingman]

Ok, the clock is now ticking so every day nothing is done I am one day closer to freedom. STBX has decided to be on her best behaviour, pretending all is fine. This has so far given me some breathing space, I know it won't last, but a few days is worth a lot for me. She has tried to defend some of the accusations I put in the petition, I have managed to stay calm and realised it would only end up in another JADE to tell her the real truth. It would be easy to fall for her words, but I know the big picture and I would never give her one more chance. If we can split as friends and then be OK with each others for the kids sake, I would be over the moon. But, I know that will be a dream never coming true. The charade she is playing right now is just that, a charade. She needs me, that's all it is, who else will take care of her? I am sure she will con someone else to be her next man, but will he accept to caretake her from the off? I don't know, and I don't care. My only concern with her after the split is if she picks a bad apple to be there with my kids. I want her to be happy, I want her to get well, I want her problems to disappear, but I can't help her and cure her. I have tried for 15 years with zero success. I want to look after myself and my kids from now on, treat them and me without drama ruining it all.

I am in a really difficult situation right now about where to draw the line. If I go down to the shops and she asks me to buy a bottle of milk, and I buy it for her, she thinks that's me wanting to get back together. I honestly could pick up a bottle of milk for anyone, even someone I hate as it is just a practical thing to do and I put zero emotions onto the bottle of milk. But, she wouldn't. Same if I ask her the same if she goes to the shop. If I ask her to pick up anything she would make me know she picked it up.

But I am riding the initial storm, right now she is peddling water, but I know this will change at any time. I will use this time to rest and rebuild.

[square]

Don't forget, you can't control her. Pick up the milk. It's fine. You're fine. If she makes it into something it's not - well, honestly, she will leverage anything you do anyway. If you don't pick up the milk, it will be a huge big weird thing too. Just look at it like you're obaerving some Martian that moved in. Martians are weird.

It's sad how she is playing the ostrich. She really has so few ways of managing the world. Basically the two types of control - rage and hoover. Everything gets those two reactions, and when A doesn't work she switches to B, and when B doesn't work she's back to A because there is no C, or D, or even just natural things that AREN'T STRATEGIES but authentic responses. So weird.

I know a couple of BPD type women and believe me they have a new man by breakfast when the previous one doesn't work out. And yes, they have them taking care of them straightaway. All it takes is a waterfall of livebombing.

Prepare your heart.

[hhaw]

EM:

I know you feel great discomfort when something you do is regarded as getting back together and making everything fine in the PD's head.

Just realize that takes up a good deal of real estate in your head.  It worries you, but I think the stbx WANTS you to worry.

I guess I'll bring up SOOOPHing.... Stay Out Of Other People's Heads as a good rule of thumb.  You can't control what she says, does or thinks, so why bother worrying about it? 

No one will care about who picks up a bottle of milk and the PD will find something to twist and try to manipulate with.  It might as well be the milk, for now, IMO.

Keep breathing, EM.  Know you're girls aren't vulnerable toddlers or non verbal babies..... they have you to protect them..... youi're doing your best, no matter what comes. 

If you can't stop thinking about the stbx dating bad men........spend some time researching the ways you can mitigate that harm and cut off problems before they start.  What DO you plan to write into any parenting agreement?  What would your very best visitation schedule look like?  What do you see your stbx' involvement in the children's lives looking like..... IF you get everything you want and they're in the children's best interests?

I hope your Judge understands parental alienation and interpersonal terrorism using the children as weapons against the other parent. I hope that Judge is willing to limit contact with stbx and children until the stbx manages to get herself under some kind of control...... she's on her best behavior right now, so you KNOW she's capable.

I'd write out everything and research the laws, the standards and the likely out come IF you prove everything your stbx does to the children so you can discuss it without being triggered with anyone who brings it up.

You're going to win some battles and lose some battles..... there will be good days and bad days..... it's just how these things work till enough evidence comes out to show who's lying and who's truthing. 

Remember, Judges tend to split the babies so ask for more than you need...... referencing protections for the girls. 

In the US the Judges make a habit of telling litigants not to discuss the adult conflict with the children.  They expect to be obeyed and some Judges really take it personally when they're ignored, IME.  Some lash out and punish litigants who thwart their directives. Keep thinking about how you'll show a Judge what your children are living with, taking into account GC's likely responses.  GC's words and actions might be the very thing SHOWING the court what your stbx has done.

If the SG feels safe enough to tell the truth, she likely will. 

A good crisis intervention T sounds necessary.  Remember, having an organized notebook or digital files to quickly show the most important evidence that informs whomever you're trying to educate... without expectation, fo course, can help keep the stbx from getting in there and whipping that person into a froth with explosive allegations against you creating knee jerk reactivity..... you want everyone to understand the facts, the sooner the better, IME.

Being the nice guy...... allowing the T or whomever to come to their own conclusions (without providing facts to counter the lies I know will be told) is a mistake nice people make.

Don't get stuck playing the nice guy in this.  Be the protective dad with evidence.  Feel entitled and obligated to show the stbx's terrible truths, but do it so you aren't punished for saying those things..... and laying documents out, one after another, is better than speaking the terrible truth, IME. 

You don't have to explain WHY stbx would DO the terrib;e, self destructive things to herself, her children and you.  You just have to prove she's done them then avoid drawing negatie attention to yourself.

People might not understand why PDs DO irrational things that will never make sense.

People do understand staying in a touch marriage for the children's sake and leaving when things are no longer bearable.
This is another good spot to think about what you'll allege..... what you can prove..... and what you'll leave out, bc it just makes no sense.

How are you planning to explain your wife's behaviors? 

What do you want the Judge to believe caused her behaviors? 

Whatever it is you're explaining, people need it to square up and make sense. 

From where I sit, you have a domestic violence situation where the stbx has engaged the children in her cruelty towards you and also aimed the abuse at your SG and sometimes the GC, which you can no longer allow..... nothing you've tied over the last 12 or so years has made things better. Things are escalating and you feel you have no alternative after therapy with your stbx failed. 

You tried.  Your stbx continued the abuse and defense of same.  There's no choice but to separate so peace and safety can be restored for your family.

Always speak about the stbx with compassion, level tones, zero judgment.....always give facts you can prove without any expectation and only the burger, never the bun, veggies or condiments. 

You're surfing real good, EM.  Don't let the stbx yank you far off course, bc she likely will.  Just remember.....breathing and doing NOTHING gives you the chance to think and choose whatever gets you through this quicker and with the best possible outcome so always think before you speak or act.  Always refer back to your game plan and choose one of the best options you've thought through when you were calm and strategizing.

[escapingman]

She really has so few ways of managing the world. Basically the two types of control - rage and hoover. Everything gets those two reactions, and when A doesn't work she switches to B, and when B doesn't work she's back to A because there is no C, or D, or even just natural things that AREN'T STRATEGIES but authentic responses. So weird.

Yes, these 2 are used frequently. But her biggest one is being the victim, nothing beats her crawling around on the floor crying. Threatening suicide, crying uncontrollable. But I can see through this, but I still suffer when she does it. She always, and I mean always alternate between these 3 stages, Rage, Victimhood and love bombing. Some days she can do all 3 several times, even cycling through all 3 in an hour.

In certain ways I hope she get a new care taker quick, but at the same time I dread it as that would mean her supply would go up and she would get more energy to fight me. I just have to see how this turns out, I am done with her, but need to survive.

[square]

Ah, ok, there is a C. And it sounds like a real doozy. smdh

It's possible she won't direct new supply onto ruining you. She might just use it to fill herself up again and create a new perfect fantasy life and pretend she forgot all about you. I'm not placing bets or anything, but it can play out in different ways.

[hhaw]

EM:

If stbx is writhing on the floor talking about killing herself.....have you considered calling emergency services so she can be evaluated for her safety?

I'd record the incident so she can't accuse you of lying about it.

You can find notes on the book
The Parallel Process.

They're on the
My daughter said shut up to her dad
thread on the
Parents' Discussion board.