I have filed

[guitarman]

You are doing so well to have got so far. You deserve to live a life without trauma and pain. We all do. Abuse is never acceptable.

Remind yourself frequently why you need to separate. You need to keep working on building your self esteem.

I have gone no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for two years and I never want to see her ever again. What helped me was to redefine her behaviour as abuse. She is my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

I have educated myself about BPD and NPD. I watch YouTube videos about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome regularly as maintenance for myself to remind me what I have been experiencing for decades. I need to look after me as no one else is going to.

I watch the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt so much from her.

You know exactly what is going on with your wife's behaviour and how she is trying to hoover you back in.

If it hurts it isn't love.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

You may like to watch and listen to a song on YouTube by Brent Morgan called "Stop Calling Me" about an abusive relationship.

https://youtu.be/gyZc4UFifQo

He sums up what many people experience in toxic abusive relationships.

[guitarman]

It seems you need more support, apart from posting here.

You may like to join a mental health carers support group. I have joined several and been attending them for many years. We all share similar but different experiences.

You may find out about one from your local carers centre or mental health charity. I know support groups haven't been meeting in person during the pandemic but many have met online regularly instead.

You are not alone.

[escapingman]

Thanks Guitarman, it really helps to get replies like yours. Loved the song you sent, sad but true.

I have been thinking a lot about my next steps, first I need out quick, at least for a few days. Again, I just went to the fridge for something to snack on and she had left a message about her love for me inside the fridge. This cannot be normal. I find it abusive that she is not respecting my choice of ending our marriage. I understand people can be upset when their partner asks for a divorce, but how many times can you try to change someone's mind? I gave her the last chance 3 months ago, I told her I go along with couples counselling and that if she ever have one episode of abuse I will file. She had not one episode, but many, so I filed. Simple. She hasn't even admitted she abused me, she tells me I got her wrong. Not sure how I can get something wrong when someone is standing and swearing at me calling me names in front of the kids. Maybe it's just me?

Anyway, I need the strength now to get out pf the house. NOW.

[IsleOfSong]

I would think that going to the supermarket by yourself, as you recently mentioned, and enjoying the simple pleasure of not getting screamed at would be enough motivation to keep moving. Sometimes the smallest events reveal the most truth...

I agree with the suggestion that you get additional support. Strengthen yourself as much as possible. If not now, then when?

[guitarman]

You are welcome.

I can relate to your post as it reminds me so much about what my uBPD/NPD sister's ex-husband endured for many years before they divorced.

You are stronger than you think. You've probably found calm resources of strength that you never realised that you had. I know I have.

My rule is to stay calm no matter what happens. Staying calm is my super power. I don't do idiot compassion any more where I am the idiot. It's a Buddhist term I learnt online from Pema Chodron.

Be kind to yourself. Have self compassion for yourself.

Don't doubt what you've experienced. Don't minimise what you've been through. I know I've done that. Become aware of gaslighting behaviour.

I realised that I can't change anyone else's behaviour. Only they can do that. I can only change and control my own behaviour. It took me a long time to realise that.

I practice Mindfulness guided meditations regularly that have helped me to live in the moment and remain calm. It's something I do for myself. It's my self care routine.

You've calmly set firm boundaries for yourself in order to not be abused. Well done. I know it's not easy.

Imagine your future life free from any more abuse, living a peaceful and fulfilling life, free from any more trauma. It is possible.

Stay strong and resolute.

[losingmyself]

My worry is if she will break me if I stay home any longer. I am strong, I am Out of the FOG, but I am no superhuman.

EM, she has broken everything.
I think you should sit with this new information about her seeing a lawyer. I feel like it was just another turn in the rollercoaster that she has you on, and it came as a surprise.
There's the nice, love-bombing, mean screamy, sad victim, mean mom, nice mom, and a few I've missed I'm sure, and now for the new one, woman with a lawyer. It's just another thing that's going to happen. There will probably be more to come as she tries to get you back in control. Be ready for them. They don't change anything. Go back and read these posts. They are the truth.
And I might have mentioned it before, read the book Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger.
As guitarman said, listen to and read Kris Godinez. Work on your self esteem, you will learn that you deserve to be treated better.
Stay strong, we're all here cheering you on

[square]

If you are legally in the clear (in terms of not endangering your claim to custody) then I think you should go to a hotel.

I have not seen reason to believe that you are endangering your children any worse for leaving. It seems the abuse happens whether you are there or not.

She seems to always require a clear scapegoat. With you gone, you can be the scapegoat and she can treat the kids like GCs for a while. It's not actually great but will be a relief to them.

With you there, she seems to try to rope you in, and one of the kids is forced to play SG while she's waifing or love bombing you.

Can you stay reasonably close? If a kid texts you to say mom is losing it can you just go pick up any kids who would like to go? I don't know what your covid restrictions are but can you stay where there's an indoor pool or something? Could be fun. Get curry or Chinese for the room.

It just seems unnecessary to me to remain in that hell.

[hhaw]

I agree with square.  Maybe just go to a hotel.  Soon.  Or maybe now.

As the stbx fails to gain your compliance she's going to escalate.  That's a fact.

Expect her to accuse you of doing what she's doing and worse.

[Hilltop]

I also agree with the others that perhaps it would be better to go to a hotel.  I would check with your lawyer to see if there are any ramifications regarding custody or financially before doing so and if there aren't any, then I would go.  It seems that whilst you are living there your STBX is simply not accepting it.  It seems she is thinking it's like previous times and you will come around with some love bombing.  I really do believe that this will continue whilst you are living there.

It sounds like it will be extremely hard on the kids as well.  Your STBX is actively blaming them for this situation and for the break up.  Telling them to behave better to fix the situation may leave them with a belief that they caused this.  After everything is settled I would look at getting them therapy so that they can process their feelings. 

I am sure you are a roller coaster of emotions at the moment.  You wrote about not finding a carspace the other day and you started to get anxiety about it until you realised that you could simply go elsewhere, get your carspace and everything was ok and there wasn't someone yelling at you.  If you have moments of doubt or feeling unsure, think about this act of possibly being 5 mins late somewhere and you are physically reacting to it, getting anxiety.  Think towards the future as you begin to live in a way where you don't have to worry about being 5 mins late because no one is there yelling at you.  How peaceful is that?  How peaceful will it be to live your live without that constant stress?  Think about how whether there are carspaces or not is completely out of your control and yet you started having anxiety over it because you are use to someone being beside you blaming you and yelling at you even for things completely out of your control.  Already you are calming yourself down and just getting on with it.  Going somewhere else, getting a spot and getting on with your day.  So in your hard moments try to focus on this peaceful part of your future.  You deserve that life without the abuse.

Remember the saying 'This too shall pass'.  It may be really crappy now but it will move on, there will be a point where the divorce is settled and its done and you are free. 

[escapingman]

Thanks all for your support, it's worth everything for me. Being at home with her and noone else except the kids is difficult, it's so easy to switch off and almost follow her down that rabbit hole. However,I bought myself some time and left for an extended weekend to go and see friends. As she is love bombing me at the moment she didn't try to stop me. This will give me a break and a rest from her and maybe some useful conversations with other non pds (although they don't understand the PD bits).

I have already laid the ground down for the trip might be extended a couple of days going to an event so might get a week in the end. A week might be enough to really get a clear head fir what to do next. I actually asked her in a message so I have proof she agreed to the trip so she doesn't come later saying I abandoned her.

Thanks again for all support. I could not do this without you.

[guitarman]

Thank you for the update. I'm glad to know that you are able to get away for a few days.

This forum has been so supportive to me through some very difficult times.

You aren't alone.

Keep posting.

[Hilltop]

Hey EM, enjoy your time away, at least you will have some space to breathe.  I hope you have a great time.

[Starboard Song]

***  This thread has been locked.  ***

By policy we lock threads after they hit 5 pages.

This has been an extraordinarily productive and wonderful thread, and I hope escapingman will start new ones after his weekend away, and as his story develops. This exchange has been some of the best that Out of the FOG has to offer, with everyone both sharing and learning.

I am in awe -- again -- of this wonderful community.

Thanks you all of you!

Starboard