New year new me 2

[hhaw]

Congrats on finding an attorney who cares about your children, G.

IME, that's an imortant piece in the legal battle. 

If he's worth his salt, he'll phrase the importance of the situation to the school so they feel compelled to rat out the ex and her husband as the CAUSE of the confusion over custody and your rights. 

I don't understand what you told the school or what they told you.  I hope you documented the communication so it's easy to sort out and SHOW the Court how wires got crossed.

You want the school to advocate for your children and do the right thing,which the attorney will explain, IME.

If you provoke and threaten them they'll batten down the hatches and have their own attorney run interference for them.  That may be how they handle it anyway.

Did you document communcation with the school? Send e mails with contact information and a copy of the custody order? Fill out paperwork stating who was allowed to pick the children up in carpool and who wasn't?

Well done, G. 

Sounds like progress.

How did you find this attorney and why did he say he was handling your case>?

[square]

The attorney sounds great, really happy.

I agree you should just stay on a suuuuuper friendly noncombative basis with the school, school board, and social services. But I understand the feeling of frustration.

[Gettintired76]

Unfortunately as of right now nothing is documented I have only spoken to my daughter's school twice and they asked for my contact info and some medical info my ex left out as well as a possible explanation for both of my daughters disaster of an academic history. I don't have as much of a problem with the school as I do one particular caseworker at CPS who can't seem to put her bias feelings behind her.

[hhaw]

G:

Is the attorney representing you in an actual Court Action? 

Is there a case you plan to file or one that's already begun and you're joining as a party?

Do you understand what the attorney is going to do for you? 

What did he say he'd do?

How did you find him?

Why did he say he'd take your case?

If your ex is failing to comply with an enforcable Court Order..... the court will force compliance.

I have the feeling you believed lies the ex told you and felt powerless..... you stepped back for a while?  Is that what happened and now you're stepping back in to sort the truth and protect your children from their mom and her husband?

[Gettintired76]

I never believed her and I never stepped back I have been fighting since January just to get answers but she somehow gave him (her husband) custodial rights so I have now been left effectively out of the loop. Lol your rapid firing questions at me I don't quite know how to answer.

[hhaw]

G:

I don't understand what case, if any, this attorney is representing you in.  I'm not sure you understand what this attorney will be doing for you?  Is he filing a new case on your behalf?  Are you filing a contempt charge against the PD for her failure to comply with the 50/50 custody Order?  Are you entering into an existing case involving the PD and DCFS? 

The questions about the attorney have to do with WHY this attorney took an interest in your case ..... sometimes the PDs overplay their hand and bring fiery anger down on their heads from attorneys who might otherwise not care at all if the PD had been a little more subtle, IME.

Your ex doesn't seem like the subtle type to me.  My real interest is whether or not the PD DID something TO YOU that seemed really bad, but turned out to be a blessing in disguise bc this attorney was moved to advocate for you bc of the PD's bad act.  It's best not to assume anything is good or bad until everything is over, IME.  I wish I'd known that 15 years ago.

About the rapid fire questions..... expect many from your attorney and a Judge if you get that far. 

Practice giving just the hamburger, without the bun..... and do so without evading questions.  It's very easy to ramble around, in and out of rabbit holes when we've been through abuse.  It can drive attorneys and Judges and expert witnesses nuts when they're used to YES and NO answers.   It takes mindfulness an practice to figure out how to stay focused on hamburger answers to edcuate your audience without creating more problems than you already had, IME.  I'm pretty sure I never mastered the YES or NO...... but I did manage to give hamburgers and resist getting defensive.  Super important, IME.

You find a way to give as much information with as few words as possible.  Always treat my questions as rhetorical..... answer them if you feel like it or don't.  As a parent.... everything is connected and every threat is overwhelming..... it's difficult to keep coming back to the hamburger and appearing level.  You can do it.

When we remain calm.... we're more responsive and have more choice about what we share and when..... attorneys and Judges expect a VERY SHORT answer....and you better give it when they ask for it, IME.  You'll have a chance to explain it, but give the short answer, even if it sounds bad at the time.  Don't get defensive.  Treat every question, even the upsetting ones as an opportunity to educate your audience.  There's a time and place to ramble...... you can ramble all you want on the board. That's what it's for, iME. 

[Gettintired76]

My ex lost custody of my daughter due to neglect (failure to meet educational and medical requirements) the attorney is taking the case to try to help me get custody of her and her siblings. This attorney will be helping me file the paperwork needed to seek custody as well as speak for me in court. And no I don't think my ex could be any less subtle subtlety was never her strong suit.

[square]

I'm thrilled to hear you confirm it's about getting custody!!

[hhaw]

G:

I know I've pushed you on this board and want you to gain some perspective around it, if you can, bc it's helpful. 

In my last family court action,which was a custody and visitation suit, my attorney behaved very abruptly, very snarky, very doubting Tom-ish and only later did I realize there were benefits to this, as follow:

1. My attorney was facing off with me in a rougher manner than any opposing counsel was going to question or pressure me, not only firing questions at me BUT BANGING ON A glass table top so it flipped into the air OR throwing papers into my face dangerously OR yelling at me she was ditching my case and I would have NO attorney for the trial coming up....... this meant she, my very competent and cut throat attorney:

a) could see how I handle pressure under fire and...(she wanted to know if I was going to blubber or get defensive)
b) she could see if I had the evidence to back up my case bc she had zero interest in trying a case where she looked like a fool AND LOST.

Looking back, I see it was clear TO HER that wasn't going to happen and we're not dissecting her very PD behavior here, bc I disagree with tormenting a struggling parent who's children are being harmd.

What you and I are doing here....
We're looking at shifting your perspective so you can SEE what opposing counsel, a Judge and any experts WILL SEE when you speak, present evidence to back up EVERYTHING you allege and IME you should allege only those things you can prove, bc it clarifies EVERYTHING.  IF we present truths we can't back up with evidence, it's just more crazy PD noise and it makes us appear as unhinged as the PD, IME.

My hope is for you to avoid the mistakes, as you can, and put forther the most compelling case possible to advocate for your children.

IF someone fires questions at you.... esp if they're really hurtful questions that make you see RED...... I hope you figure out how to handle them BEFORE you're in front of the important people making decisions about your case.

Once you're in the Courtroom your attorney will be in acceptance mode.....
if you AND your ex lose custody of all the children.... your attorney will accept that outcome, bc he can only do what he can do.

It's really up to you and you have limited time and opportunity to convince a Judge who habitually reads the first 2 lines of any paragraph in a legal document before losing interest and moving on, bc that Judge is overwhelmed and jaded and perhaps bitter about the system and the people pleading cases before them.  Not your fault, but something you NEED to be aware of and prepared for.

THIS is what you're up against. 

So.... that said, get all you can out of your attorney.  Since you have your paperwork organized, maybe ask your attorney to play devil's advocate to help you prepare the best case possible.  Not all attorneys will sharpen their nails and dig into you to make sure they don't fall on their face. 

My attorney began caring about my case AFTER the PDs DID THINGS TO HER..... up to that point, she really didn't care about me or my children.  You have your attorney's care, not sure how much, but you seem to and that's HUGE. 

You have a small taste of someone firing questions at you with expectation. 

Envision a snarky Judge or GAL pelting you with snarky questions about the PD's accusations about the bracelet scratching your arm........ picture people assuming you abandoned your kids and ex when you left and alleging you're an unfit parent to take custody of any sort of these children NOW.... picture people alleging you have an unfit home to house your children and

1) Pull all the evidence you have to SHOW the court you're fit.

2)  Pull all the evidence you have to SHOW the court how your home will adequately house your children.... I'm talking sleeping arrangements and food plans and fire extinquisher placement in the home..... what school and morning and eveing routines and bedtimes will look like AND where the children will play and do their homework.  Photograph it and make copies an put it in your binder under housing. You'll have photos under school too...... homework station, plan to get them to school, home from school....bus stop or carpool.  Who will drive them?  Where is the bus stop?

3) Whatever you foresee being a problem, think about it ahead IF YOUR ATTORNEY ISN'T the sort to play devil's advocate, YOU picture what the ex will allege and be ready to do your best to educate your audience.

Never ever ever ever get defensive.
Always pretend you're speaking to a young child and address your listeners with a calm voice, simple words and keep everything very SHORT.  Remember KISS........ KEEP IT SIMPLE SILLY.

That's the mission and deviating from it makes it more difficult to get the jobs done, IME.

STRESS can help you pull your case together.  PANIC can destroy your ability to reason and problem solve.  Remember you're going to freak out and that's OK.  It's tunnel vision and your biochemistry will be hijacked....just accept it and KNOW you'll calm down, esp if you breathe, and the time AFTER the freak out can be very productive as far as preparing your case goes.  Adrenaline and fear are powerful motivators.

I would also add pictures of the children with you and your family to your binder.  Photos of the kids doing things they like. 

Have answers prepared regarding what you love most about each child. What you miss and what you feel you have to give to each child.  Think about each child's deepest deficit and write it out, address it and how you'll go about helping the child overcome and persevere through it.  For instance, if a child is behind in school, who will your child's teachers BE at the school in your district? What programs are available?  GO and speak to the teaches and faculty at that new school, if it's a new school and put together a plan WITH that teacher.  It it's the current school, speak to the current teachers and faculty. 

Can you get the kids into therapy?  THAT would be great.  If so, with who?  Get them on waiting lists now if there's a wait and always remember to speak in terms of KISS.  Don't get defensive.  BE the calm in the eye of the storm that's coming and KNOW you're modeling this for your children when you get them back.

Good luck, G.

[Gettintired76]

And I love you for it hhaw lol you keep me thinking and moving!

[xredshoesx]

folks we had to lock this for length- it's gone well past the standard 5 pages

gettingtired if you want to paste this link into a new thread to continue here's the address https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=90404.120