New year new me 2

[Gettintired76]

She more or less disregarded the DV issue I know that. But yeah that's what I was thinking She told me I needed to step up before I start trying to get my kids, he'll I should be in heaven by now for all the "stepping up" I've done. When is my ex gonna be told to "step up"?

[square]

No kidding. No kidding.

Are you stuck with her?

If so, you're going to make the very best of it.

When you speak to her next time, summon your inner strength and calm. Talk slowly. Talk calmly. Look her in the eye. Address her politely by her professional name when you need to make a strong point: "Ms. Smith, I have been told full custody is possible. My children are being abused daily and are begging for help in the most heartbreaking ways."

When you feel rushed and pushed, slow down.

You're doing great. I forgot, did the job start this week or is it Monday? So you have the CDL all set? You've got a lawyer and despite everything, she's talking about some real stuff. It's starting to happen. Keep going.

[Gettintired76]

I start Monday, I haven't got the CDL's yet I have to get my class E's back first, will probably get my D'S (what I had before aka "boxtruck" license). Soon as I get those back I go back to the trucking company and get started. I'm going to use my refund to get a house and a car. Hopefully everything is falling into place. It bothered me tho that when I mentioned the CPS investigations she kept evading what CPS said about my ex she just wanted to know what they said about me and wouldn't except that all I knew was what my ex said. But CPS told me themselves what Autumn said about her step dad nothing was said to me about anything be said about me and my family. The only person to say she said anything about me was my ex. It was like the lawyer got impatient with me and looked at my sister and said answer for him.

[square]

Sounds like she has a problem with men. I hope very much when she gets more info she understands the real picture and does her damn job.

[hhaw]

Getting:

Your attorney wants every speck of truth so she can counter anything negative AND so she's not ambushed in court by opposing counsel....attorneys hate looking like fools, ime.

Also, it's likely she feels you're stuck going down rabbit holes in discussions, which is common for clients dealing with trauma, esp when children are at risk, ime.

When I say rabbit holes.....
I used to jump from one thing to another, talking about all the PD crazy things I knew happened.....I was frustrated and so freaked out I couldn't recognize humor or appear normal in a group.....so maybe the message your attorney is sending you is:

Think about your evidence before answering a question.  Your attorney is putting together a theory of your case to present to the court.

It's helpful to review your evidence and build your case and accusations based on documentation and what you can prove, bc I gotta tell'ya......the tendency to barf up our entire experience, as it happened and in exact detail, jumping from one thing to the next as I did.....can make us (the non parent asking for help) appear unhinged.

Also, when we talk about many crazy PD truths, without evidence, listeners easily assume we're exaggerating or lying, bc attorneys assume ALL litigants are liars anyway.


When PDs are involved, particularly, we must document carefully and pick and choose what allegations we'll make, ime.

It's better to be the litigant who is proven to tell the truth over and over.  The ex will be making all kinds of allegations she cannot prove......the goal is to put forth a good case without drawing negative attention to yourself and looking like you're apart of the problem, ime.  The ex will be doing her best to trigger you into outbursts and hope the Judge throws their hands up and assumes you're the real disordered person, ime.



1.  Think about the question before answering.  Consider your theory of your case based on your evidence.  Don't just tell everything without taking a breath while leaning forward in your chair, locking eyes with your listener, pinning them down with expectations for what they MUST DO, MUST FEEL and must think about.

It's important to tell a story people can make sense of....to " square up" and to do so without any expectations.  Simply state your facts, know how to put your hands on the evidence to PROVE what you've calmly alleged and leave your listener space to come to their own conclusions and get angry IN YOUR BEHALF. 

If you tell them what they have to do ...sometimes they get angry at you and punish you and your children, ime.

2.  When you answer questions, give only the hamburger, not the bun and usually no condiments it veggies.

Attorneys and Judges want a YES or a NO which I found very difficult to give without explaining my answer.

Please know your attorney will give you a chance to explain your answer and " rehabilitate you" IF that yes it no answer makes you appear in a negative light.

It's ok to give a yes or no that feels just awful..... you'll get a chance to explain it.  Trust and breathe......breathe from the bottom of your lungs to the top, slowly, like you're filling a vase. Finish morning showers with cold water for 5 seconds.  Splash cold water in your face.   It will help calm your brain and help you problem solve and be logical. 

You need to find a wat to calm yourself, bc your attorney is just a tool you direct and use.  You are your biggest asset and your childrens' best asset.

To stay centered while answering questions perhaps pretend you're speaking to a young child or nervous bird. 

Short, simple, calm, keep your voice low and don't rush on in any direction......speak slowly.....give short answers then stop talking.

Your important facts will have an impact if they aren't drowning in a sea of your experience, which has been irrational PD hell, I know.

Just remember your mission.

Go through your evidence.

Put together the best case you can and base it on your strongest evidence.

Resist responding or reacting to your ex's crazy statements and accusations.  You're the stable, consistent parent who has control over your emotions, right?  Show that to the court in every way and hope your calm demeanor is upsetting you to your ex.  Let her be the one to lose her chill in front of court officers, not you.  Her attorney will likely hate her, so....
And this is important.....
You be the litigant who pets his pony (attorney) speaks to her calmly, feeds her and brushes her.....you make sure your attorney doesn't dislike you.  Make sure your attorney doesn't have to worry you'll make a fool of her in court.  Make sure you don't blind side her while testifying and present evidence she didn't see coming or withhold something important she needed to know well ahead of time so she could strategize instead of throwing herself on her sword.

This is really important, ime.......
If your attorney or opposing counsel or anyone asks you a stupid or upsetting question ( and likely they will) treat it as an opportunity to educate that person and remember you're addressing a small child ir nervous bird you feel Goodwill towards, always.

You also should speak about your ex with respectful compassion, bc she's the mother of your children, likely disordered AND you don't want to appear like a vindictive person dragging your ex into court to punish punish her through the children.

You're asking for relief, protection and anything the court can provide for your children's safety.  Remain focused on the children and your evidence based case.......it will help.  I promise.

Remember, no snark, sarcasm or going down rabbit holes.  Use names so people know who you're referring to.  Speak slowly.....calmly....only the hamburger and make sure you can back every burger with proof.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.

[square]

Yeah I have had the experience of being so utterly overwhelmed by what was going on and the sheer insanity of it that I was "leaking" it wherever.

And when I finally sitting in fromt of a professional - a doctor in an emergency room when my H was having a psychotic episode - the dam would have burst if the doc didn't just cut me off and then leave me there. Doc just wanted one or two quick questions answered. I wanted HELP!!!

So if hhaw is right about that, don't feel bad at all.

Dump HERE. And get very streamlined and focused with the attorney. Just concise facts, that's it.

[Gettintired76]

Thank you so much guys I completely agree but damn it's so hard.

[Gettintired76]

I'm so tired this waiting, while she gets everything and it's like everyone is sucking up to her, and every step I take is in to a wall, it knew it would be hard but damn it's so painful.

[square]

Your forward steps, of which you'vetaken several, have not been to a wall. I know you haven't reached the destination yet but you are moving.

At the risk of sounding remotely sorry for your ex, which I do not in the slightest, believe me, her life is shit. Nothing to envy over there.

In fact, she's got a scary future ahead of her when that sociopath turns on her. And he will.

She's just built this IMAGE of how everything is. And like everything else, it's lies. All lies.

Leave her to her fate. Just keep going for the kids, that's all that matters. You're making real progress. Don't buy her story.

[Gettintired76]

He already has I think, she has to ask permission to go to the bathroom. In some ways I think she may be scared of him and every thing  didn't escalate to this until after she married him. Now they're his family to do with as he chooses and they only respond to him.

[square]

Not surprised. So don't spend any of your precious energy envying her. You'd rather be you, in every way.

[Gettintired76]

I hate to think of him breaking my little girls' spirits, for all their problems they have always been so full of life. He sat my son down and told him I was a convicted child abuser. I Am Not I have two driving on a suspendeds on my record. That is all.

[square]

He is horrible and I pray your kids will be free of him.

Sounds like your kids are not really buying the lies about you.

[Gettintired76]

I don't think so I don't know since it's been zero contact it's killing knowing my daughter thinks I abandoned her after I promised I never would. She doesn't understand what's going on. I would like to know what experts she has taken her to. She was supposed to be home sick with Covid along with the kids.

[Gettintired76]

Well I guess in a way it's good she actually spoke to me today, but I can't help but feel it's "ass covering" just so she can tell the court "look see, I let him know about stuff" . Now all of a sudden she wants me involved in the children's lives, she wants me to be "responsible" she wants me "to show" I want it" smh. Anyway I found out supposedly my daughter is now on 3 diff medications including Trazodone and very powerful drug. Now remember my ex told me the child was expelled, but now she returns back to school next week in a special classroom. And of course she asked about child support ( of which I absolutely no problem paying child support). And also she still wants me to go clean up her mess at the house she lived in here in town. I kept my cool even tho it's so exhausting to constantly hear everything so awful that I did. She stated that she has to help our daughter recover from what I did to her. But none of the behavioral stuff started happening until after she went back to her mother.

[square]

Good job keeping your cool.

Fine, she wants to cover her ass, great. More access for you while you're waiting for a custody decree that doesn't depend on her whims. (I hooooooope 100%)

[Gettintired76]

She still insists me and or my family had something to do with CPS, when we had absolutely nothing to do with it. She claims "what was said" proves it but she refuses to say what was said.

[square]

Lies lies lies.

Maybe she suspects you. In which case she's hoping to get a confession out of you.

Otherwise it's just more pressure and leverage.

And lies, of course.

[hhaw]

It sounds like your ex is trying to talk you into reacting to her crazy statements so she can blame you for whatever CPS finds.

I hope you're carefully documenting everything she says, writes down and does.  If you can't legally record conversations in your State it's better to text all communication to document it.

Even if you can't legally record, sometimes sharing recorded conversations with your own attorney helps  them understand exactly what's going on, ime.

Attorneys talk to other attorneys who talk to file clerk's, GALs and Judges.

Sometimes the right information gets to the right ears in surprising ways, ime.

Be mindful of your words, tone and attitudes when communicating with the ex.  She might be recording you.

[Gettintired76]

She supposedly records me constantly but haven't really found any proof in all the years she claimed she did, I almost exclusively text her, so I have some interesting and very unhinged convos saved, that show how paranoid she is getting and how bent she gets at the mere mention of something being said of her hubby. I was reading through some other posts on here and I believe that am an empath , I crave to be loved and especially validated, however I will and have given up everything I own including my health to see to those I love are loved and validated. My ex always swore I was selfish, and in some ways you know what maybe I am, If paying a car payment instead of buying a super expensive b-day present is selfish yes I'm selfish ( my daughter cornered the market that birthday by the way) and if demanding she not scream and cuss at myself and our kids is being selfish again then yes I am selfish. And I am proud of that kind of selfishness. One poster spoke of how his ex constantly told him she couldn't wait till he died, I have heard that so many times myself, and more. I have had knives drawn on me bones broken, and been abandoned for days at a time. Months even. She constantly cry's about what she shouldn't be expected to do. She shouldn't be expected to pay for the kids food shouldn't be expected to raise them full time, shouldn't be expected to pay bills etc. She put herself in the situation she is in, nobody else, she made the choice to start seeing someone else and run me off, she made the choice to take off and not tell me where she is. She made the choice to keep the kids from me. My lawyer said ( and I agree) that I have to take responsibility for my part, I do , I take responsibility for trying my best for the past 15 to argue with someone who can't listen, I take responsibility for not getting the kids to doctors any better then she did but when they did go it was me who took them. I fought like crazy with her and every time I bucked her it was abuse and she wasn't going to deal with it anymore she would run and I'd never see the kids again, or even she would kill herself and the kids, so I would back down, let her do. Because I was scared and yes I see it now yes selfishly wanting to keep my kids. It is refreshing to look at things with new eyes sometimes. This site and everyone on here has helped me so much and I thank every one of you, I just hope ya'll walk with me a little longer, to see how this plays out.