New year new me 2

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I know how it feels to go round and round in my head. It's cognitive dissonance. All your senses, perceptions, experience, and logic is telling you that this way is up. Then she comes aling and says, no, that's down. She says it over and over. She says everybody agrees with her. She says it's been proven. Down, down, down, down.

You know it's up but hearing it's down over and over, by someone who has dedicated her life, mind, and soul to believing it's down, it just is hard to resolve in your mind.

The thing that helped me reduce that feeling by a lot - though I admit it's not 100%, but it's surely 90% - is accepting my H didn't really even believe that crap.

It sure looked like he did but I discovered tiny clues here and there to show that deep down he either knew damn well which way was up, or at the very least, was confused himself.

After that, there was really no reason to take him seriously anymore when he insisted up was down. I was on to him.

I stopped having to convince him. Best of all, I stopped having to go round and round in my head. Oh, sure, sometimes just a little bit, but that's it. Then I remember.

Your ex is a pathological liar. Her main victim is herself. She may delude herself to some degree but deep down she knows. SHE KNOWS.

The reason she pours all these lies on you over and over, more than to convince and control you even, is to convince herself.

To such a person, our frantic attempts to convince them otherwise feels like a win. She has made us question reality, otherwise we would not panic about it.

If a street crazy approaches us and screams about aliens standing across the street, we don't even bother to look, much less engage in actual discourse about the presence or non-presence of aliens. We ignore them or at most just say well good luck with that, and walk away without a single thought other than "whoo."

Your ex is a street crazy. Let her lies take up as much room as someone screaming at you about aliens. Just, lol, ok.

There is nothing she says to you, even "hello," that doesn't have some angle to it. You don't have to figure out, just let it roll off: lol, ok.

[Gettintired76]

Couldn't agree more

[Gettintired76]

How do you get past the hating yourself for not being there when your baby needed you?

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By doing what you're doing - everything you can for her, and all of them.

Good luck tomorrow regarding the new job.

[Gettintired76]

I'm trying I really am I am just so overwhelmed and scared I'm gonna fail and she'll succeed in making me the bad guy and then I won't ever see my babies again. It just feels like nobody takes seriously to the point I feel maybe she right maybe it all was my fault? Maybe if I had been more stubborn she would have listened more maybe I was to hard on her I'm just so mixed up right now I'm scared about what's going to happen at court on the 17th I mean is judge going to ream me on evidence I haven't even seen yet? I just don't know. I know this confusion is just what she wants but I can't help it. I mean am I being vindictive? That's not my intention but am I? I'm exhausted but I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't enjoy anything without worrying if my babies are ok. I sent an email through a link on here for one of those hostile custody case coaches I hope to hear back from them, I will probably be starting work Tuesday as I still have a little bit of paperwork to do. But thank you anyway.

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There is NOTHING you could have done to get through to your ex. She makes her decisions on an entirely different standard than logic and reason.

I don't know what will happen on the 17th but your ex has a pattern of throwing up lies with absolutely no evidence to back them. That kind of behavior doesn't land well in court.

You're not being vindictive. Your babies are not safe. You being vindictive isn't even on the map.

I'm sorry you're so stressed. I can really understand it. There are some things you can't control and you'll just have to give it to God, or the universe, because you can't carry it. It's not your burden to carry even if it means the world. If you can't control it, release it.

The job is important so do your best to compartmentalize. Doing it helps your children.

One day at a time. Things are in motion at last. The job. Then next Thursday.

[Gettintired76]

I couldn't retain the one lawyer as she wanted the $5000 up front, however I spoke to another and he informed me that by law they have to provide me a lawyer at the hearing. Sooo we shall see.

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When will you meet the lawyer?

[Gettintired76]

I don't know the whole things being very shady he also informed me I may have to do a dna test on the kids since her husband is claiming they are his. I was supposed to have recieved court documentation and everything....I have not....I have called all over her county and been told the same thing..."we can't tell you anything, or we don't know the particulars, I did find out from the GAL that my ex is not keeping up with her. I warned her she doesn't take court seriously and will postpone and skip at will.  She has already skipped one meeting citing Covid. So I'm kinda driving blind with this. And it's scary

[Gettintired76]

I got a reply from the hostile case advocate, and set up an appointment for a consult on the 14th. I hope things can roll smoothly from here.

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The 14th, okay, that's Monday. Fingers crossed.

I can really understand why you feel you're just getting hit with one thing after another. Just make sure you don't carry what's not in your control.

Your ex not taking court seriously, I really hope that plays hugely in your favor.

[Gettintired76]

I don't know she always seems to get out of everything soo we shall see

[hhaw]

Gettin:

Please organize all your paperwork and evidence.

Evidence should include the children's birth cirtificates with your name on them, all the Divorce Decrees, Custody Orders and aything you feel will reflect well on you and poorly on the PD.

If you didn't receive or keep the divorce paperwork you can go to the County Courthouse Superior Court File Clerk's office and request those documents for a copy fee.  Please note, court documents copies that haven';t been filed and stamped are tupically not accepted as evidence in a court of law.

Evidence should be CLEAN and unmarked originals or copies.... whatever you have, but clean and unmarked.

IF you're going to make notes on your copies, make sure to use the the highly reflective YELLOW HIGHLIGHTERS, bc they don't copy very well. 

Since you have some time, consider organizing  your evidence according to topics like.....
Visitation
Medicine
Safety Issues
e mails
Texts

You'll have some cross referencing where certiain important evidence is in more than one category and that's OK. 

An attorney will appreciate your having evidence organized and in order for trial so you can both access documents as the trial moves along.

Most trials with PDs comes down to disproving the accusations they make on the fly, IME.  That;s why knowing where your evidence is will come in very handy at trial.

Another thing to consider is making 3 copies of every important piece of evidence so you can give one to the Court, one to opposing counsel and keep one for yourself in an empty file folder you can use to make notes on about the evidence you gave to the Court.

Having a clean notebook to write in during the proceedings is helpful for two reasons:

1. To write down important things you'll forget if you're not making notes and
2.  So you have something to focus while the PD and perhaps her witnesses and attorney make outrageous statements about you.... you want to keep your face calm and patiently wait for your chance to explain or disprove the statement.  You'll get your chance, bc the Judge will want to know and likely ask some questions of their own.  Your attorney should give you a chance to explain, as well. 

IF you feel giving a simple YES or NO will make you look bad.... it's OK.  Go ahead and give the answer bc your attorney wll have the chance to rehabilitate you on the stand.... you'll get plenty of time to explain whatever it was that sounded bad.  Stay calm.

I know I explained how to speak and remain calm...... to pretend you're speaking to a small child...... every stupid question should be treated as an opportunity to educate. 

DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE. Let the PD get defensive, make snarky personal attacking remarks and blurt out all kinds of baseless accusations she can't prove.  As long as you APPEAR to be the kind of person who can control yourself and be reasonable.... you have a good chance of watching your PD implode under the stress of Court where she's not winning and maybe is losing obviously.

So, go through all your evidence, get Court Documents if you need them,. bc you have the time... it's like going to get your tag.  You stand in line at the File Clerk's office and ask for what you need when it's your turn.  You get filed and stamped copies of your court documents..... you need filed and stamped copies if you 're using them in court.  While you're there, perhaps tell them who your Judge is and see if they have any information to help you make sense of how your Judge usually rules and might rule in your case.   Maybe you'll learn something helpful. Maybe you won't but don't ask, don't get.

I'd also call around to some family law attorneys and ask their the gals or guys answering the phone who they'd hire if they had your Judge in your situation.  If they like you and feel for your kids they'll give more detail about your Judge, how they typiclly rule and what you need to keep in mind.  Sometimes paying for an hour with an attorney will get you all you need AND keep your PD ex from hiring them, so make a couple appointments with the best if you still have time.  Sometimes you can speak to law clerks and legal secretaries who have just as much information.

I'
m saying this bc some judges are very fair and level.  Some are decidedly not. The more information you have the better off you are.  If you have an old man Judge who hates women and doesn't care about safety issues.... you'll know not to spend a lot of time hitting on the safety issues, give only the top 3 maybe, no more, and mainly for the record, just in case.  All you can do is your best, then put the story on the shelf and rest.  Take a lovely long shower.  Go into nature or take a walk somewhere calming....... but don't worry worry worry yourself sick and sleepless, bc it won't help.

When you've rested and feel calm, go back and do more trial prep, then put it down again.  Focus on making a meal you enjoy, or plan a new ritual to share with the children over the holidays when you see them again, but do not break yourself down with worry. 

Breathe.  Think about problem solving when you're calm and breathe a lot when you're not calm. 

Having all your evidence filed and organized will help any attorney you speak to understand quickly and without frustration. 

You don't want to be labled difficult or unhinged or crazy.  You DO want to be labled cosistent, rational, reasonable and likely to support the best possible relationship between your children and their disordered mother who you understand is doing the best she can.... don't judge her.  Stick to the facts and always ALWAYS refer to her with compassion, bc that's how you avoid being labeled a vindictive litigant who'll sacrifice his kids to the Gods of Hate and Veangence.

You should write out the most important things you need to do and check them off your list.  Practice speaking calmly and slowly..... keeping things simple...... just the hamburger no BUN!

Good luck








I find

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PDs do get away with a lot due to their manipulation skills. Court is a place they have a harder time. I'm not making promises but this is a different ball game.

[Gettintired76]

HHaw, have you been looking through stuff? Lol I invented OCD I have everything in triplicate and quadruplicate labeled and filed five ways from Sunday. And there's sooo much she doesn't realize I have.

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GOOD 

[Gettintired76]

I've actually come to the conclusion given her history, that her statement yesterday the she wants me to take responsibility and have a part in the kids lives was her way of saying "hurry up and get a place so I can off load this kids on you and not have to deal with them anymore"

[Gettintired76]

Because she was whining (if I may) about she shouldn't expected to work and take care of 3 kids and have to deal with all this court stuff all by herself. Anytime she ever had to do anything anything she shouldn't be expected to do it. The worst was leaving the kids in dirty diapers until I came home from work because she didn't "do" poop. Of course the kids got rashes from hell. My youngest bless her heart would get gaulded till she bled, then of course it was my fault because I didn't change her enough. OY! VEH!

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It needs to be official, though. She may dump them on you but she'll come take them back whenever she wants and that's bad.

It's great she feels this way right now, though, maybe there's some leverage in it somewhere to make it official.

[hhaw]

Getting:

I haven't kept up with your thread.

I'm not clear on any official visitation and custody agreement in place.

Are you listed as the father on your childrens' birth certificates?

Do you have a place large enough to live without the your children or have overnight visitation?

What are the allegations made to DFCS against your ex, her husband and you, if any?

If you'd like to practice giving a short, pointed hamburger version of your situation, I would like to read it.