Another step Out of the FOG

[escapingman]

I grabbed an opportunity I saw, I booked a night away with the girls and just went. We spend almost 2 full days on our own with one night at a hotel. What an amazing experience it was, probably my best two days in years. STBX (uBPD/NPDw) would not come even if she was invited, and yes she complained and complained but I still went. 2 days, not a single fight between the girls, they normally fight constantly, the laughed, I laughed, we just had a blast. Little things that always starts a big argument didn't, the PD wasn't with us to fuel it. We had our little disagreements, but they were over with in within a minute as no one wanted to carry it on. I honestly not seen my girls so happy together for years if ever.

I suppose I don't need to tell you that as soon as we came back home it all went sour again. Girls in tantrums, screaming, arguing and the rest.

Was this the last thing I needed to really see that I am so doing the right thing to proceed with the divorce? I think it might be.

FOG! I am leaving you behind!

[Poison Ivy]

Hurray for you and your children!

[Hilltop]

Yay.  I am so glad you had a good time with the girls and enjoyed the break.  Sounds like everyone enjoyed it.   

[guitarman]

I'm so glad to hear that you all had such a good time away together.

[hhaw]

Yes, that's just how it's done, EM.

And you're documenting, taking notes, sending e mails to your attorney updating her about the children's wellbeing and urgency for separating and providing a safe place to land and heal for all 3 of you.

You're updating her on the T's and asking for referrals for crisis management Ts available in your area she might know about.

Well done.  I have 2 dd's with Pos Covid tests. One lost her voice and is really miserable.  The other feels like she had her flu vaccine again. 

You keep heading towards the exit,EM.  Don't stop.  Don't get talked out of it or off course an inch.  YOU be the one who won't budge for a change.  It looks good on you; )

[SonofThunder]

Way to go EM!!  So glad you proactively did this for yourself and your children!  Cheers to you! 

SoT

[escapingman]

The change in GC since coming home really shows how much I need to get this done. All she cares about is to please her mum and to shout at me to defend STBX. STBX plays her game, she really doesn't get it, but the way she plays it she is making me more and more repulsed by her. Now she decided we all were going to go out for a meal as a family, I said no thanks and she told the girls I don't want to do things as a family which made GC start swearing at me calling me selfish. I have no interest in playing happy family with someone I am going through a divorce with, a potentially ugly one, and especially with someone I have blamed for domestic abuse and not even got a tiny little apology from. Why would I want to spend any more time than absolute necessary with my abuser?

In ways I am glad I am still at home as I will need access to lots of paperwork I didn't know I needed, oh I probably could do without, but it will make things easier if I can access it. My solicitor asked me how I coped at home and if I was planning to move out soon, it sounds like we are soon getting to a stage where I can leave without causing any issues going forward. All financial disclosures and wishes for what happens to the family home will need to be put in writing within a couple of weeks, I think that might be the point. I can manage 2 more weeks (if not I can always have an emergency work trip coming up).

Thank you all for all your support. I am still buzzing for how amazing the weekend with the girls was, I know that is how they are with no PD interference.

[Stillirise]

Great work, EM! 
IME, it took some time for the children to settle into their new normal, but it has certainly been worth the extraordinary effort it took to get here.  They may have some up and down days for a long time to come, and that's OK.  Even though co-parenting with a PD individual is no walk in the park, it's infinitely better than living in the same house every day with one. You're making really brave and bold moves for yourself and your children! Great work in keeping your eye on the prize!

[square]

Well done on a great two days!

[escapingman]

Massive setback, it looks like I will have to do this without any support from a therapist. Called them up to see where in the queue I am, the 2 months have suddenly become "we don't know but probably 6 months at least". Hopefully I have enough strength to get through this anyway, I am Out of the FOG (as much as I can), I can see her for what she is and I can see my end goal - Peace for me and the girls.

Oh well, I just need to buckle up!

Oh, yesterday she came up with another gem. She told SG off for having eaten in the lounge when she was out. SG replied, but you eat in the lounge. STBX replied, yes I do but it's my lounge. You have your own play room and dad has his office. The lounge is mine and only mine, but any of you can visit me in the lounge but you have to follow my rules..... 

[Boat Babe]

Can you afford a private therapist?

[guitarman]

It's appalling that you have to wait so long for support. I know what it's like.

You could contact your local carers centre. They should have a mental health carers support worker whom you could talk to.

They may also have a mental health carers support group that you could join.

You could also contact the local branch of a mental health charity for free support. They may have support  groups where carers, service users and ex-service users meet together.

Some of the best support I received was from ex mental health service users. They were experts by experience rather than mental health professionals who are experts by training.

It's good to talk with others. I know I needed to and still do.

There are men only mental health support groups that you may like to contact for support.

You are not alone.

You are modelling healthy behaviour for your children to follow by remaining calm and setting firm boundaries.

[guitarman]

You could join the Frazzled Café online via Zoom. They offer FREE emotional support groups every day of the week. Anyone over 18 years of age can join from anywhere in the world. They are based in the UK and have meetings at different times during the day.

The Frazzled Café's slogan is

"It's OK to not be OK."

They are not a counselling service but a place where people can talk about their feelings in a non judgemental supportive group.

You don't have to talk if you don't want to. You can just listen.

They begin and end each session with a short Mindfulness guided meditation.

They also facilitate FREE Mindfulness meditation only sessions via Zoom several times each week where participants just listen.

I hope this is of help you. You need all the support that you can get.

https://www.frazzledcafe.org/

[escapingman]

Thanks for your advice, I will look that up. I will also look into my health insurance to see what is covered, I wanted to try to avoid it to not have the premium skyrocket (I have made a few other claims over the last years). At the moment I feel quite string and confident though, I can't see anything changing my mind regarding a divorce, but maybe a T would help with my sanity. However I am worried a T could make things worse if I get the wrong one (have read about bad ones here on Out of the FOG). But at the moment, it's just about hanging in there and just do whatever the solicitor tells me to do and keep as low contact with STBX as possible.

[guitarman]

Please don't be put off seeking help by other people's experiences of therapists on the forum. There are some very good ones. You would need to find a therapist who specialises in trauma.

If a therapist isn't the right fit for you you can always go elsewhere and find another one.

[guitarman]

You can find a qualified online therapist for yourself here at Better Help

https://www.betterhelp.com

[guitarman]

Here are some resources that you may find of use to you. I have found them all very helpful to me over many years. I keep watching them on YouTube to keep me on track and to remind myself what I have experienced for decades.

The more we educate ourselves about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome the better we are able to cope.

Ross Rosenberg

https://www.selfloverecovery.com/

YouTube
https://youtube.com/c/RossRosenberg


Dr Ramani

YouTube
https://youtube.com/c/DoctorRamani


Kris Godinez

YouTube
We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez

https://youtube.com/channel/UCHk_36kn2zDnVL-d23tE6bg


Dr Les Carter

https://survivingnarcissism.tv/

YouTube
https://youtube.com/c/SurvivingNarcissism

[escapingman]

Thank you Guitarman, I have been watching youtube videos alot over the last year(s). But  it was really really good to watch Dr Les Carter again, especially as he had a lot of new content and a lot that was very good for the stage I am in now. The problem is that I spent so much time watching it so I didn't complete all work tasks I had for today! But, I have told myself that my healing is worth more than anything else so I have to prioritise, and therefor the healing comes first.

STBX is really at crazy making at the moment, yesterday she had a complete breakdown and today it looks like she is going that way as well. I keep to myself, but she invites herself to keep talking at me and declaring her love for me and telling me off for not just accepting her love. My head is about to explode, I feel repulsed by her, I just want to throw up because of all her lies and fake words.

[IsleOfSong]

If finding a therapist is proving tricky, there are also plenty of coaches who have experience helping people separate from PDs, and they can help you. It's not therapy, but it can be helpful. I'm seeing a coach (via FaceTime) who specializes in dealing with bullies and bullying situations, and I chose him because I like his no-nonsense approach and, if you think about it, bullies are as toxic and emotionally manipulative as PDs....

The Little Shaman (her YouTube channel is quite good) also does coaching.

[escapingman]

I am not sure I need a therapist. I feel like I am out on the other side, I feel like I just woken up from a nightmare.

I am going to write a long post about this as I am not sure it should be buried in another thread. But.....

She has today declared her love for me, telling me all she wants to do is to show me how much she loves me. She has warned me if I continue this, not sure really what she warned me for but she sounded angry, Screamed and swore at GC for making life difficult for her (GC swore at me repeated her own words).

I used to love her, she was the love of my life, but now I just feel repulsed by her. I can't wait to have her out of my life.

Tonight I watched the Tinder Swindler on Netflix, fuck me that is a serious Narc, but everything he did reminded me about STBX. I almost felt the girls he swindled were lucky to only have lost the money they lost and a short time of their life. I have lost close to 20 years, over this time I can only imagine how much money as STBX has not been working for the last 10 years. I am angry, I am furious, I am tired, I am fed up, I just have had enough. Is this normal? I think it must be.

Sorry for rambling on but a lot of emotions came on after watching this documentary.