Looking for Strength through the Silence

thedoghousedweller · February 19, 2022, 10:42:10 PM

I thought I had advanced, and now maybe I have regressed. My uSPDw (s = schizoid) is back to the silent treatment, and it's bothering me. I was so well practiced in lowering my expectations so that I could enjoy the day without interaction. However, she started engaging in regular conversation, even bringing back humor, from time to time. I thought I saw a door opening for several weeks. As a family, we have faced a number of challenges in recent weeks, and I thought that the two of us were working again as a team.

Wrong.

Now for whatever reason, it's the silent treatment again. I offer an observation about our child. "Hmm." No eye contact - just a stare at her phone. I say, "our next door neighbor got sideswiped by a hit and run." "Oh," she says. No eye contact.

Her version of the silent treatment is to not engage at all beyond the bare minimum of managing household logistics. She now sleeps in a separate room. She gets annoyed when I wake up (TO WORK) and incidentally wake her up. I know there's something in her head that is bothering her - something I'm not doing to please her, and this is her way of communicating it to me. It could be a million things and she wants me to run through every scenario. It's such a dumb game, and it just makes things worse.

I now realize that there's a high degree of envy. When someone walks up to her and says, "your husband seems to know everyone here" or "he always volunteers," she bristles. I've had success in many endeavors. The kids support me wholeheartedly. They offer a degree of grace when I make a mistake as they see my intentions. But she doesn't. She sighs when I'm not able to run an errand for her (because I'm often working). I'm working a second job to overcome a financial hole and am incredibly short for time, but there's no grace.

I know the rules of how I'm supposed to behave -MC no Jade, etc. I don't want to make things worse, so I'll keep my cool, I know that she won't change, but sometimes I just need to vent.

May God bless everyone through their challenges.

notrightinthehead · February 20, 2022, 02:18:21 AM

Your post reminded me how many times I drove home and imagined how in other houses of the suburb there were people enjoying each others' company, happy to be at home with their partner, laughing, chatting, working together. Having a real home, where they felt save and welcome. I drove slower and slower, anxiously anticipating what to expect in my miserable home, which mood, the loneliness, the hopelessness.
I am sorry you have to live this way. Sending you strength and patience.

SonofThunder · February 20, 2022, 07:33:58 AM

Thedoghousedweller,

You are not alone in your experiences. Much of what you wrote is a part of my experiences being in permanent discard (my choice using the toolbox). In another discussion in a different thread, I mention my experiences of discard experiences interlaced with periodic sudden rounds of devaluation (insults/complaints) and then also attempts at normalcy (you mention conversations and even humor). These are my experiences, and I now just expect them to be my permanent experiences. I believe these experiences are collectively what is described as 'discard' in the IDD cycle.

These experiences are, in my opinion, my uNPD/BPDw's attempts to purposefully emotionally discard me, while at the same time shes internally trying to both keep me guessing and hopefully off-balance, but also smoke-screening (my term for PD's hiding covert activities behind their visible behaviors) the methods she may be using to provide herself supply from other sources, since im not jumping back on the IDD (idealization, devaluation, discard) revolving cycle that she is accustomed with me.

I also believe my wife experiences some paranoia as well, and imo, expresses it through projection in many ways. For example, she will be on her phone from wake-up until sleep; texting, social media and other apps. I can be looking at my phone for 2 minutes and she will attempt to bait me with "who are you talking to?" Since my activities are always benign, i simply provide a MC answer of the name (business associate or family member) and then walk away or do something entirely different. I do not explain what subject i am discussing in my phone conversations, and my walking away is a boundary to prevent further baiting. Lol i always internally feel like answering "Jake....from State Farm", because my uPDw, in her paranoia, mentally assumes im having some inappropriate online/chat relationship with another woman. (Perhaps its her smoke-screening projection behavior... 😉)

Again i now fully expect to experience the near constant silent-treatment (not very silent but covertly simmering punishment) of her going about like i don't exist, along with purposeful covert manipulation of situations to inflict feelings of anxiety, all interwoven with some normalcy (like you describe) to attempt to keep my mental pot on boil.

I liken this experience to living with a very self-focused, uncaring college roommate who knows their behaviors deeply irritate me, but they dont care and in-fact, enjoy the anguish they believe they're inflicting, as a form of covert payback for their belief that I'm being an emotional asshole for not caretaking the relationship any longer. Mentally i must accept that living with this type of roommate is just the new norm. It helps me to accept it, and find ways to provide myself joy instead of letting my mental pot boil.

You are not alone in your experiences, but rather, have many comrades here on Out of the FOG that share similar experiences. Im glad I have friends here like you who understand that we walk this PD trail together.

Thoughts and prayers for you for further clarity and encouragement.

SoT

Aeon · February 20, 2022, 10:03:48 AM

I'm sorry that you're going through this Doghouse, no one should have to.
I, too, have gone through several periods of, "we're working together" only to come back to the realization that this was, at best, temporary. The 'normal' period almost always ends in a few days with the silent treatment. I am quite impressed with the PD ability to go from 'I'm getting better, honest" to "Your not doing what I want and now you will pay with a punishment" in what seems like 60 seconds or less.

I now try to picture myself as being protected from the harm that is intended by my spouse and not caring about the event (silent treatment) or the intent (PD wants to inflict paint). I used to think this attitude would make a cold and uncaring as a PD, but I see now that it is a change in expectation (the PD will never care about hurting me) and it seems to work. I have endure several days silent treatment now and barely feel the angst that I used to.

thedoghousedweller · February 27, 2022, 06:34:50 AM

Thank you SoT. NotRight, and Aeon. I know I am not alone in this struggle.

I can identify with the likening to an uncaring college roommate.

Mary · April 23, 2022, 05:05:35 AM

It's amazing to me how God will use the silent treatment times to lift me up. It was because of my uPDh's grumpy silent treatment that I got to take my kids unhindered to Good Friday and Easter church services this year. DH left the house early on Good Friday, and we didn't hear from him until around 10 p.m. that night. Oh well, we had fun!

Hoping you will find fun things to do and peace with yourself during the silent treatment.

Mary

thedoghousedweller · May 04, 2022, 08:46:10 PM

Thank you Mary. You are always the encourager, and I appreciate it. Easter was a celebration of the Lord. I did service for our church so had a chance to make an impact.

The silent treatment does not only affect me but the others in uSPDw's family. Her mother has become more vocal in her frustration. My family has expressed concerns to me directly as well. Our dd has acknowledged the problem and takes uSPDw's advice with a grain of salt in the belief that she (her mother) doesn't dwell in reality. I try to be the dad without being the accuser. It's difficult.

I expect our financial troubles to be resolved in coming weeks so perhaps I will be able to view the situation objectively.

My recommendation to this group is to read Psalm 27 and take the message to heart. God is at work.

DHD

Mary · May 09, 2022, 11:37:04 PM

Your statement, "I try to be the dad without being the accuser," is instructive to me. It is a challenge to help the kids see and acknowledge the truth without sounding like I am trying to turn them against him.

Thanks for pointing us to Psalm 27. I just love this verse.
Psalm 27:8 When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

I love spending time just being near God. So often I have no clue what to say, but I find comfort and solace kneeling down and just letting my heart seek His face.

Kudos on getting over the financial hump!

Mary