It took decades for me to go NC

[bets]

I finally did it. I went no contact with all my PD siblings. It took me decades to get to the point where I don't feel guilty or responsible for them. I was a bit worried about being lovebombed and sucked back in, but it hasn't happened! I'm not sure if the sibs are aware they have been cut off, and I don't care either way.

The problem is, I am feeling a tremendous rush of anxiety and pain. It doesn't feel related to them but I think it is. Many of my old worries and Ocd stresses are returning in great force. It has only been a few days since I went NC. . I am irritable, unhappy, easily distracted, often paniced. Is this normal?

[guitarman]

Thank you for your post. You are not alone.

I've been no contact with my uBPD/NPD sister for over two years. I've not sent her any birthday cards or presents and no Christmas cards or presents either.

I care but couldn't cope any more with the decades of abuse and all the trauma and stress she has caused in our family over that time.

It takes calm courage to finally go no contact. I have to look after myself as no one else is going to. I have to put my needs first. It's OK to do that. I need to work more on building my own self esteem.

I recognise that I am living with CPTSD. I am learning to be kinder and gentler with myself. I have experienced extreme trauma for such a long time.

It's not unusual for people to react the way you have. It's quite normal.

Your body and mind will take time to adjust to the new peaceful norm. We are all individuals and so how long it will take will be different for everyone.

I can think that I am coping well but then all of a sudden I can get triggered by vivid flashbacks of abuse. I remind myself that I am safe and that thoughts are not facts. I concentrate on my breathing. That helps to return me to a calm state.

I have been practising Mindfulness guided meditations for many years. That has been one of the best ways I have learnt to cope.

I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks.

Her website is

www.tarabrach.com

There is part of the brain called the amygdala that has evolved to keep us safe. It is on constant alert for danger to keep us alive. However it can go into overdrive and can't tell the difference between what's a real threat and what is a thought about a threat. That is why we can get triggered about thoughts.

My body has been so used to being on alert for danger for decades. I was constantly experiencing hyper vigilance and anticipatory dread in case my sister visited in a highly distressed and emotional state loudly threatening all sorts of things that she would do.

I explain to people that it's been like living in a war zone waiting for the next bomb to drop all the time.

When adrenaline is released in the body in response to perceived danger it can produce a fight, flight, faint, fawn or freeze state. I've experienced all of those over the years.

The more we learn about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better the more we are prepared about what to expect and why it happens.

You may want to visit your doctor if symptoms persist. I've been taking antidepressants and they help me to cope, along with everything else.

You do not have to set yourself on fire in order to help keep someone else warm.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sending my support, Bets. I do not know what a "normal" feeling is after going NC. I think whatever you are feeling is OK though. I think some of us feel great relief, and others feel similar to what you mention.
 
I think it is great that you are in tune with your feelings though. I wonder if some of the old worries and stresses you mention might be a C-PTSD response? I am in no position to diagnose however, and you would be the best to determine that. I just wondered because while I did feel mostly huge relief after going NC with my sibling three years ago, I do occasionally go through episodes of feeling extreme anxiety, doom and non-specific fear. Especially when there is silence and with not talking to anyone, my head starts creating all kinds of story lines where I just know something horrible is about to happen to me.

I like Guitarman's suggestions. You matter, and your wellbeing matters.

[BerneseMtnMom]

I, too, am sending support.  The only advice I can add is that patience is your friend.  Be patient with yourself if the healing takes longer than you expect.  Family wounds are deep.

I went no contact with my sister in March 2020, just as the pandemic was hitting.  We have had two mediations (without lawyers, about 6 months ago) regarding an inheritance matter, and since then, I have only communicated with her through my attorney. 

I still feel conflicted every day.  But it has gotten much much better after this much time.  When my therapist told me to stay true to my authentic self, I honestly did not know what that meant.  But after really examining my beliefs and values, I am bringing that authentic self into focus. The work on yourself is so worthwhile, what ever form it takes.  If something doesn't work, keep reaching out for help to find something that does.

[RainbowG]

You have my sympathy!

I remember when I went NC from my parents and siblings in 2002. For a long time, I had nightmares of them chasing me!

It's actually a tough transition not to have PD drama in your life. Maybe that's what's causing some of the anxiety and panic, waiting for the other shoe to drop because you're so used to it.

Maybe it will help to keep reminding yourself that you've brought greater peace into your life and you've done the right thing. 

Rainbow

[bets]

Wow. Thank you, everyone, for the thoughtful, compassionate responses. I am so grateful.

Guitarman, thank you for the link to Tara Brach. I will definitely check her out. Your sister sounds like a very destructive person. I'm sorry she has affected your life so traumatically. Is she bipolar? I have a friend with a bipolar sister who describes her in similar language. My sibs don't want me in their life, so I was "setting myself on fire" for no real reason, anyway. It is healing for me to write this, and know that someone understands.

Hi, Blueberry. I am sure I have CPTSD. It is weird that I feel guilt and not relief (like most people seem to). I think relief would be the healthier response. Actually, as I've gradually reduced contact, I have felt some relief, so maybe I'm getting there.

Bernese--It's funny that it can be so hard to understand what "staying true to yourself" means. I had the same problem. I am starting to understand, and it sounds like you are too. I give you credit for fighting for your inheritance. When I was disinherited, I did not fight it. I was afraid it would take time away from my small children. I was also afraid I would lose (my father was sadistic but not crazy, I don't think) and that would be further validation that i was a bad person. I also didn't want to estrange myself from my siblings, or deal with the situation in any way.

Rainbow--I had nightmares like that for years! They all ended when my Nfather died. He was my primary abuser. Once he was gone, I felt much safer in the world. I agree it is a transition, a much harder one than I expected.

I can't thank everyone enough for the kind responses. They mean the world to me.

[Blodyn]

Well done for making the brave decision to go no contact.  Your reactions are perfectly normal.  Now that you are no longer around the people who made you feel crazy, I suspect you believed that all your troubles would disappear, and to a certain extent, they have.  But this is the beginning of your journey of healing.  Going nc gives you the space to work on getting your FOO family out of your head.  Like you, when I first went nc, I found that I suffered with anxiety and a sense of emptiness.  I would later find out that these symptoms related to my not being able to be my authentic self in my FOO family, and therefore this side of me was underdeveloped.  I've been nc for over a decade now and I've worked hard to bring my real self into the foreground.  This involved dealing with those feelings that the title of this forum is about - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.  I dealt with them in that order, guilt was the last to go.

I also found something else out.  After I lost my husband several years ago, I saw a therapist because my grief seemed to bring to the surface stuff to do with my FOO family as well as the loss of my husband.  It all became muddled and I couldn't separate things in my mind.  This is when my therapist pointed out that as well as doing the work on the impact of nc (F,O,G), I needed to grieve the loss of the family I never had.  What she meant by this was that in my mind, as a child, and over the years I was in contact with my FOO family, all the pain I suffered at their hands was due to them not being the family I needed them to be.  Does that make sense?  They could never be what I wanted and needed them to be and this is something to be grieved.  Take it from me, it takes years to process grief.  I think what you're going through is a normal response and it signals the beginning of your journey of healing.  If you feel the need to see a therapist I would urge you to do so.  I wish you well on your journey, and one again, well done.  You're very brave.