Ending a toxic friendship

[palmtreeparadise]

So me & my friend let's call her Melanie had a falling out years ago but since then reconnected / we were dumb and in our 20s and are in better places now.

*TW SA*
This was the final straw for me.. I was out celebrating her and her fiancé's engagement. One of their guy friends in the group was drunk & I was slowly getting drunk as the night went on.

In the booth of the night club I was slumped over & he was touching me.. luckily another gal let's call her my hero saved me. I remember I was just frozen in time. I was in shock.

My friend Melanie apparently didn't know that night until I called her the next day.. I tried to just be calm about it because he's in their friend group but her response back was like oh wow I didn't know that happened. Nothing much after.. didn't care to say that is not ok or defend me in any way. 

That being said... I am in her wedding but I have now decided to back out. It took a lot of thinking but here's a bit of how our convos went:

Me - " Hey - I don't think what happened over the weekend was OK at all. I've been processing things and I don't think a friend would've let this happen & then not address things with (the guy) the days after or ask me if I'm ok. I don't blame (the guy) or really anyone, I'm more upset at the fact that I haven't had any support from you after it all happened.

I am not ok and I think I really need time to reassess our friendship and have some space from this dynamic. "

Her - "Honestly I'm sorry you feel that way. You know I would address if I know what happened. Like I told you on Sunday I blacked out. So I don't remember anything that happened after, like I don't remember even being on the dance floor. So I'll confused why I'm to blame. I've been piecing together what I did too.
I got into a fight with fiancé and said awful things to him. So I'm sorry you feel that way. But I screwed up myself pretty bad."

There was way more to this but this was just the beginning. I've noticed she always turns things to her and what she's going
Through and I understand she was blacked out the night of - I never expected her to defend me then but it's been 4 days since and I let her know the day after and i don't know..

I am burning this bridge. Also - she told me that everyone she's been asking about the night has said something different.

That hurt. So bad

[DistanceNotDefense]

IMHO it sounds like there is some toxicity in your friend group in general, and alcohol can really bring that out.

It sounds also like your friend really feels put on the spot for being pointed at for being responsible for what happened to you.

Her apathetic and self-absorbed response to what happened to you is a huge letdown, and she could have dealt with it better aside from being defensive. It would really make me rethink the relationship completely if I were in similar shoes.

I would (and I'm not saying this as advice, just what I would do in the situation) see it as a painful learning experience about this friend. She's not someone who will protect you, look out for you, or even bother to validate bad experiences you have whether or not she was responsible or involved or not. I would put miles between me and her. I wouldn't ever expect her to stick up for me again. Yes, I would pull out her wedding....how uncomfortable would that be. I think it's really good that you talked about it with her instead of letting it hang around. Now, you know where she stands.

On the other hand I would hang on to this friend of yours who was your hero. The good part of the learning experience is that SHE was a great friend to you and swooped in when needed. Hopefully she wasn't one of the people Melanie claims "saw things differently" though if she stepped in for you that's a big sign she didn't, and that Melanie is just being defensive and bending facts to minimize your feelings, and speaking falsely for other people.

You have an opportunity to divert all the negativity you feel about Melanie to foster a better relationship with this better friend.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Sexual assault is terrifying and people tend to deal with supporting other's experience with it in ways that really let the person down and hurt them, and grossly misunderstand them. Melanie is a pretty good example of how most people deal with it, sadly.

This should have never happened to you. And I hope you find help and healing dealing with the experience, you are not to blame and it is not your fault.

[palmtreeparadise]

IMHO it sounds like there is some toxicity in your friend group in general, and alcohol can really bring that out.

It sounds also like your friend really feels put on the spot for being pointed at for being responsible for what happened to you.

Her apathetic and self-absorbed response to what happened to you is a huge letdown, and she could have dealt with it better aside from being defensive. It would really make me rethink the relationship completely if I were in similar shoes.

Thank you so much for your response. I wish my friend didn't feel put on the spot or responsible, i made it so so clear to her that none of it was her fault. Ultimately it was the way she responded that hurt me.

It was a huge letdown to say my experience and for her to turn it about how she had a bad night. It was just a bad experience for us all and i acknowledge that for both of us. And for her to go and get others stories and for theirs to be.... changed hurt so so much. I remember 1000% what happened to me. i was not "too drunk" and it was not "mutual" like people are saying.

I do see it as a painful learning experience and i have removed myself from this friendship. I wish i could hang on to the friend who was a hero but that is actually her friend who had helped me.. and i found out shortly after that her story kinda changed? Idk.. its all bad.. i have all the proof i need to show what happened and she saw it happen.

I think in the end i just wanted to be told "I believe you" and be heard.