What is Your Opinion IF I Send This Message?

[makingachange]

Right now I am really going through it.  I find myself feeling days of absolute knowing that I am not going back to my parents, I am going to stick to my NC as I have over these last 9 months.  BUT, I also have days that come up out of nowhere where I question myself and go in circles. 

I guess what spawns these moments are mainly the holidays, birthdays, or any special occasion, because this is where my Mother finds it the perfect opportunity to send a card, call, text, etc. - Which drives me nuts and takes me back to those days of confusion, anger, and I feel like I am being walked on top of...that what I want doesn't matter.

I feel like every time one of my children's birthdays arrives or a holiday, I am having more anxiety.  I feel like instead of living in the moment and enjoying these special times, I am looking over my shoulder waiting for that dark cloud (my Mother) to show up in some way.

It feels like they never stop, and I feel like it isn't fair to me that I keep having to have this happen...I know that a lot of you have this too!

I just want to be able to enjoy my children, holidays, and special occasions, and not feel like the doom is coming.

SO, I have been tinkering around in my mind about what I can do.  I have a couple ideas and wanted to see what you think.  Maybe doing this would be really bad, but maybe it would help...I'm not sure!

I've been evaluating in my mind that I really don't want a relationship with them at this time in my life.  Honestly I don't feel safe in doing so...and my children/family absolutely refuse to have anything to do with them at this point.

I was thinking if I sent them a text message that said this, would this make them stop...would they leave me alone....would they get the hint....respect my wishes...or would this enrage them into a fit of anger?

Message I am thinking of sending: (Keep in mind I have not responded to them in around 9 months)

*Because of the past and what has been done, I don't feel having a relationship with you at this time is best. Stop all calls, text messages, mail, etc. to me and my family.  As it stands for now, I'd rather go forward this way.  If we would like to have a relationship or make contact, we will reach out to you.*

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Again, the reason I am even entertaining this message idea is because I really want to cut this...to have them understand that I don't want a relationship right now.  I also have the option of blocking them on texts and if they do send something having my husband trash it so I don't even see it.

Their interactions, them not stopping...it has been triggering over and over.  I just want peace...but I also want them to know where I stand.  I also realize that no response is a response too...

Any thoughts or suggestions about me sending this message would be extremely helpful.  I have more birthdays coming up soon...and I just don't want to have this going on and on.  I just want peace!

[moglow]

Mac, I don't know that anything you tell them will make a difference.For your own peace of mind [and only if it helps you], by all means send it. But do that with no expectations whatsoever of them, one way or the other. You'd have to look on it simply as you stating your peace. The instant you have expectations of others, it can fall flat if not outright explode. Finding acceptance and letting it all go, is hard on 1000 different levels. The one thing I've found that I can simplify is MY part in all of it. What others do with my words is 100% on them and doesn't on any level change who I am. Only I can do that and it stands the same for any/every one else out there.
My $.03 today 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I agree with Mo, Mac. (May I call you Mac? It's so tidy.) Do anyone not disordered, your nine months of silence will have said all of that for you.

In my own case, when several months of non-response yielded nothing, my father attempted to set me up to be charged with child abuse, involving my own pastor. I threatened legal action if I ever heard from him again via certified mail and meant it. Only then did the harassment stop.

[Hilltop]

When I needed a break I sent a short email explaining that I felt the relationship was negative and I needed space.  At the time I was also worried about what they would say etc.  Now I am happy I was honest and didn't just ghost myself.  It's honest communication and if they are really genuine they can then look into therapy to fix things.  If they don't so be it however at least it has been said.

I think the problems come when you send them something thinking it will lead to change.  Change from what I see here, rarely comes, sometimes yes but in more cases it's a no.  In a lot of cases it seems the email will be used in a smear campaign and this can feel awful at the time but now I don't care.  I said my piece, I was honest, the rest is up to them.  So far no change with them but I feel free.

I would say draft something and then leave it for a day or two and then come back to it with fresh eyes and re-read what you wrote.  When you re-read it with fresh eyes and you are happy send that.  I was given that advice and it did help me.  Wording can be hard in these emails to say exactly what we need to say.

[Liketheducks]

I think sending the message may give you the opposite result from what you're looking for.   It would in my family.   Particularly if you've already established a pattern of not responding over the last 9 months or so.     
As for the anxiety when. they do send things around holidays and children's birthdays.....unfortunately, you can't control what they may or may not do.   For me, the real relief came when I worked on my self, my response.   There are so many things in life that are beyond our control....but we can control or in the case of the PTSD in and around family trauma......try to control our responses.     My responses have become so much less over the years.   And, their ability to push my buttons has diminished significantly
I wish you peace.   I know how hard this is.   

[SaltwareS]

After relations deteriorate past a certain point, I believe in "show but don't tell" as an effectiveness communication method with npds.

They see any communique, positive or negative, as engagement. They like negative attention as it reminds them they exist. They like positive attention too. Arguing and conflict strengthens the bond between them and another person.

A message will tell them what you want. Non-communication will show them. They might not hear what you're telling them.

[donutmoonpanda]

I'm experiencing that cycle too. In the morning, I wake up totally convinced that my mom can go fly a kite. Then at night, when I'm getting tired, I doubt everything I'm doing to push her out of my life. The proof for me that this is the right thing is that my mental health is greatly improved by not speaking to her, I'm not worrying all the time (because I was really just worrying about her life situation all the time), and I feel some love for myself now. So I stick to it.

I think sending the message may give you the opposite result from what you're looking for.   It would in my family.   Particularly if you've already established a pattern of not responding over the last 9 months or so.     

This would also be the case with my family. The best way forward for me was to just drop off the map and stay away. They always think that my decisions are up for discussion, and offering anything about how I feel (about the past or the present) was always used against me.

I'm just taking it one day at a time. If I want to speak my mom that day, I will. Otherwise, I won't. If I never speak to her again, so be it. But I'm not making any plans or filling them in on what my internal experience is like -- they've never cared about that.

[footprint33]

Hi Mac,

I wanted to let you know that the feelings and doubts you're having are totally normal, and things get better if you stay NC and also spend time grieving the loss of your parents while building up your own life. I went fully NC when my children were 5 and 7, though was VLC since my first child was born. It was very hard for me in the beginning, especially during holidays, birthdays, etc., just like you say.

When dealing with NPDs, reaching out backfires. They will get narcissistic supply from your contact, which is a pleasure for them even if you're telling them to back off.

Try not to beat yourself up about not being able to enjoy the present moment. It is normal that you would be upset or focused on the loss of your parents on some level. What we go through when we lose our parents this way is like a death. We need to grieve it, which means we will be focusing on it sometimes. Eventually, the pain diminishes and fades away. Things do get better over time.

Hugs,
footprint