I just can't with the helplessness

[wisingup]

Here's the latest from my neck of PD-land.  I had arranged a caregiver to run errands with uBPDm for a few hours a month.  We met her in mom's home, I had the two of them exchange numbers, then they were supposed to connect & get started when mom returned from a week at her sister's.  Well, a few weeks went by & I heard nothing from either of them.  I also saw no evidence in mom's accounts, which I am managing, that she was paying her.  So I followed up.  Neither had called the other.  I got back in touch with the caregiver "D" via text & she said she would follow up.  The next day, she called me.  I'm pretty sure in hindsight that this was a drunk dial.   She was confused at who had called who, asked me a bunch of questions that we had covered before & it was just a strange conversation.  The next day she texted & asked all the SAME questions & seemed unfamiliar with the answers I gave her, even though it was the 3rd time she was hearing them.  I responded that I was concerned that she didn't seem to remember things & asked what was going on.  AND...I was ghosted from that point.  Just as well, I'm sure we dodged a bullet there.  It's so strange - we all (me, DH and mom) all really liked her when we met her and she even provided references. 

So today I emailed mom to see what she planned to do about her taxes & I said if she would gather any papers she had I would do them.  I made this offer because I'm pretty sure her plan was to ignore them & I don't want to deal with the repercussions of that down the line.  She agreed & then said she thought I was on vacation but since I'm not could I take her to the drug store today as she's down to the last pill of her medication and she can't skip a day.  Ugh - so many questions here.  What was she planning to do if I WAS on vacation?  Why did she wait until she had 1 more pill to deal with this?  Why hasn't she called the pharmacy & asked them to mail it to her?  Why doesn't she get herself into an Uber and go get it instead of asking me to drive an hour round trip to take her down the block?

I told her I could not do it today & didn't provide any explanation.  We are leaving on vacation on Friday & I really needed today to prepare.  I have not heard back from her.  I'm wrestling with untangling the feigned helplessness and manipulation from actual incompetence.  It's hard to tell how much of each is at play here. 

When she had her severe UTI/confusion episode, we started the process of planning for assisted living.  Since she recovered from that, she wants to remain where she is and live "independently" as she says.  I think I'm going to have to spell it out for her that she no longer drives & is unwilling to learn to use Uber, she is not independent.  I'm going to need to start directly advocating for the assisted living.  If she had someone in her life with time and interest in helping her run errands & get to the doctor, maybe this could work, but there is no one who meets that description currently!

[FromTheSwamp]

That is weird with the caregiver.  And a bit scary.  And now you have to start over if there's going to be outside help.

My mom is big with the feigned helplessness too.  it makes it so hard, especially when she's elderly and you don't know what's a real problem and what is just her trying to get you to feel sorry for her.
You did a good job not jumping in to help with the medication refill.  If you'd driven over there it would be your job at least once a month until the end of time.  That's what delivery is for.